Some strange feelings...

If anything, I am grateful to him for bringing back in me this habit of writing, of trying to express myself. I got a wonderful thought today, a thought which probably only I can get. I was sitting idle this evening and missing my copy of “Unaccustomed Earth”, as I often do. And it just occurred to me that if ever I get married to him, I will ask him to write this mail to Boo.

Dear Mr. …

Could you please return my wife’s copy of “Unaccustomed Earth”? She feels about it as if it has life, and she really longs to have it back. And I am sure if it has life, it is not particularly enjoying itself at your place. You turned out to be a wrong person, not the one to whom she had intended to give it. Now would you be kind enough to return it to me, my address is…

A smile lighted up my face as I pondered over this strange strange thought. Was there anyone else whom I could ask to write a similar mail? May be Avik-da, if he was not so self-obsessed, may be Ananya, if she was not so lost in her own world. But why him?

Well, don’t get me wrong, I know it’d be over in a day or two, if it is not already over. But these few days, I have almost felt as if I got a friend whom I could trust. I was super frank with him, opened up to him in a way I would take ages to open up to someone else. Considering the outrageous thing I did today, I am sure I wouldn’t have done that with anyone else ever. I am shy, I am reserved, and although I get a bit carried away, whenever I am into one of my romances (may be a lot carried away in some occasions), but never do I taunt people, or actually express my anger with them, from day 1. I am coated with sugar or honey with my so called boyfriends in the first few days. I want to show my best. But not with him. Already, in my mind, I find myself telling him about my shortcomings, my failures, my futile dreams, my fears…if we ever meet. Nothing positive, no need to impress him. I am this screwed up person. Take me or leave me. I am running out of time.

Would you like to know what I did today? I am fighting with myself to not login to my Yahoo account. Yesterday, when I closed off the conversation with my first subtle taunt, I was sure he won’t reply back. Yet I kept checking from time to time to probably just convince myself that it is over. There was nothing…till late midnight, and I slept off. I resisted till lunch time today. And then, cursing myself, I checked again. There was no message from him. There was something else, a request for recommendation. It caused my blood to boil, I was angry and upset. And I taunted him to my heart’s content and wrote back to him. Trust me, I felt good, after doing this. Even though it was so unlike myself. I sang songs, romantic songs that too, and have been singing then throughout the day. I even felt this aching desire to listen to my iPod. Something I haven’t done for ages. And I haven’t checked for his response, since then. I don’t care or may be I do. I am happy that I spent a couple of days being myself, just because of his presence. I realized once again, just how precious I am to myself. I had stopped caring for myself you see. He showed me that I can still dream, no matter if it leads to yet another heartbreak subsequently. Imaginative though I am, 90% of this might be in my mind, but 10% is definitely his contribution.

And I just hope to God he doesn’t ever come across my blog…I am blushing crimson to even think what he’d think of me, if he reads all these. But I can't help writing about this. Some situations simply compel you...if you live for a day after ages of non existence, won't you like to talk about it?