Claiming my candy...

What is normalcy? I don't know. I am indeed affected in several small ways. 

1. I left my wallet with my team mate - in her back pack. I didn't even realize that long after I had traveled back home, till she called me. Thank God I have the car, else the bus conductor or the auto driver might have beaten me up.

2. I forget to keep track of my expenses. Can you beat that? I don't keep track of my bank balances, interests, withdrawals...just as a routine habit I'd jot down the daily expenses (that too is minimum as there is no regular expense for transportation).

3. I have really become sloppy in my work. I am not boasting - but I hardly do any mistake in work. Not that I am doing any major mistake, but I replied back to the sender instead of replying to all, and then had to loop others in. And I have to really plan and track hard, so that I don't miss out on a scheduled work. 

4. I can't focus. I mean I can focus, but the focus is elsewhere... mostly on music... else on pure fun with my teammates. I laugh aloud and act crazy. Anyways I am a happy girl, now all the more.

5. Everyone is making fun of me. My parents will chuckle on seeing me, even a professor here asked me today, "Haven't you been taking your bath? You look so confused?"

6. Middle of the nights are particularly trying. I get to see certain avatars of mine, which I didn't know to exist till date. The struggle, the pain, the frustration, and the emotions, all come out in more skewed ways than one. And the questions - I ask myself, or my God, are mostly unanswerable. 

7. I hate crowded places. I hate undesired friends. I feel lost in the normal world. I try my best to tell people who still care - that look, let me go now. I have a new world... a very lonely world... but it has music, and it has peace... let me go there...

Yesterday, I made myself work real hard, with the promise of a candy. A candy I had just accidentally discovered in the morning. And then, at night, after the work was over, I didn't feel like claiming it. Neither do I want to claim it today as well. 

What is there to be claimed D'bhai? Don't I see the truth? Can't I see the truth? The world is going to the rots, every other day, there is a tragedy. While the rest of us continue with our life as usual. Have parties, impress and butter people, worry about our love life. And tomorrow, who knows, we also might end up being blasted by a bomb, or a bullet might run through us.

Life is so so uncertain, yet we desire fulfillment in life. Such a paradox. Such a bitter, awkward paradox in the name of survival of the fittest. Fittest or luckiest, I wonder.

I don't know if I want anything from this life. I know its truths. The nice ones, the romantic, positive ones, and the monstrous, evil ones. For a passing moment I remember the song "Socho ke jheelon ka shahar ho...", and the video tells me all. You can't dream in this world D'bhai...you just can't.

I don't know how to claim my candy. I don't want to live without it. I love it. I have almost assimilated its flavors in me. But something still stops me... my happiness... my attempts... to seek out my candy.

It still remains "my" candy... mind it :)

It's a very sad smile... I hate terrorists. I hate human beings who do not respect life. "With great power comes great responsibility" - wish everyone would understand that...