Decision...

It was a great relief to have finally taken the decision. Anand used to say, do your best and leave the rest. I remembered him a little bit. Tarun used to say, mere mann ko bhaya, maine kutta kaatke khaya. I felt as if he is comforting me. After all I am my dad’s daughter. If he could give up when both his kids were going to college/school, and just sit at home for one month with a 1000 Rupees bank balance, I guess I can definitely give up my job. I am not blaming anyone for this. I feel I have done several mistakes in life. I haven’t been a good judge of people, have always been making myself vulnerable. I need a punishment. In fact it should have come long back. And also, as a matter of fact, I’m not sure if what I am giving myself is punishment or prize. For a long time now I have wanted to go back to Kolkata. To home. I should actually feel delighted.
At max they can give me a 2 months’ notice period. Which they won’t. Because I am currently a liability on the company. I’m not doing anything worthwhile and just taking salary month after month. They’d be happy to release me. Nobody loses anything from my decision (this is something I always tend to ensure – I shouldn’t harm anyone). I also have a call with the client manager today, I hope he won’t say he has immediate work – in that case I’m free to go.
As I wrote that I tend to ensure I don’t cause any harm, I remember few insignificant incidents. There were two guys in school, one a black spectacled guy, and another, a pretty stupid looking guy. Then this guy in college, whom was again black and so thin, that I used to call him 1-D. And then this fair, good looking guy in university (who had lot many degrees) but a job with a nominal pay. I guess, in totality, these were the four guys who had proposed to me and I hadn’t accepted. I wonder today, if I have really caused any harm to them. Well, we can leave out the last one, as I had actually accepted the proposal, but later on he broke up with me suspecting infidelity, and nowadays, even after his marriage, he says he’s still in love with me. So he must be mad, and I have nothing to do with him. We can also leave out the last but one, because he’s happily married with another batchmate, and has a beautiful kid. The first two guys, in all probability must have moved on in life. I’m not that important. I once had a classmate, whose mother used to be a celebrated beauty. She said once, that a lover of the lady had committed suicide. When my friend’s father passed away, at a rather early age (he had cancer), I was wondering if her mom would have blamed her arrogance to account for this mishap. You always get paid back, you see, some way or the other.
As I remember during any difficult phase of life, I happened to remember Subhadeep, Pampa and Samapti. Subhadeep, my classmate since nursery, had a hole in his heart, died at 17. It seems he ate a lot, drank a lot, and danced a lot during Durga Puja that year, and then finally succumbed. Living life to the fullest, is it? He was the only child. I often wonder about his parents. How are they coping up? I could never have my child. Is my pain greater, or theirs? Pampa was a sad outcome of autocracy. Our’s was a private college and we were the first batch. Some teacher decided to do a stress testing during the electronics lab exam. She thought she might fail. She came from a poor family, had probably taken education loan, she couldn’t bear the situation and took pesticide. After the results were out that sem, we found that she has got highest marks in 6 subjects. Poor girl had no way of knowing this. I had tried my best to save Samapti from the same fate. She had psychological problems, and was thrown out of the college. I tried to keep in touch with her, convinced her to get a pass course degree. But finally, after I had come to Bangalore, I learnt through newspaper that she’s committed suicide. I feel particularly guilty when I remember her father, holding my hand and thanking me for helping her daughter. In what way did I help?
Then there’s this friend of mine. I used to think she’s a perfect doll. Was among the prettiest and most intelligent girls in school. She got into a wrong relationship and screwed up her board results. Then after completing her polytechnic degree, she came back to our college as a 2nd year lateral to study engineering. Once I graduated, I lost touch with her. Again through newspaper I got the news of her death. She got a rare type of cancer which had no treatment. Her father was some bigshot doctor, yet he couldn’t do anything. Worse thing is, her husband, who’s a doctor himself, said, they must have withheld the information of her disease and gotten her married. He didn’t come once to meet her in her last days, despite her pleadings. All these came in the newspaper, my mom told me. I hope I never get to meet this guy in person. He might not live after that.
Then there are the sudden accidents. A guy from school was run over by a truck, just last year. A student in the college where I taught, died in a hit and run accident. You hear about these accidents every now and then, right? But do you ever think what happens to the family afterwards? The numerous people who are enjoying themselves, celebrating life, do they ever think just in how many ways things might go wrong? Nobody does, because they have this fuel called hope.
I too had it, a while back. Although these few incidents never left my mind, I still dreamt of success and happiness. Of miracles. Now I have totally run out of the fuel. I can’t move on. There’s nothing upsetting or unnerving about it. On the contrary it is pretty blissful. It has been a pretty eventful life. Except getting married and having a baby, I have done almost everything that a girl is supposed to have done by the age of 32. I have always said, I tend to accept. I am accepting this option of getting some rest, with a happy and grateful heart.
I thought of giving a parting speech to Karthik, but it is much better to write it here. No point wasting his time, you see. So here it goes:
“I should thank you. For the last one year, you are the only reason why I have lived. You have kept me alive. I owe this one year of life entirely to you. What happened October onwards was not in our hand. Some things in life are predetermined. We walked the same road but couldn’t reach the same destination. It was not possible. You don’t get involved, and involvement and emotion run in my veins. You chose to forsake love, I choose to forsake everything else for love. It’s a personal decision. Don’t ever feel you are responsible for that. You have a happy life, that is very important to me. “
Hopefully I’ll be back home by February. It’d start getting hot from March. I need an AC. Would it be a prudent thing to buy an AC when I don’t have a job? Who cares? See, after everything, I do wanna live :)