Well...a lot of things happened, since the time I last wrote here. Worst was probably the news of suicide of a colleague. I knew her, only 25, very childish, very lively. Don't know what went wrong. A very similar story as mine, of broken faith, but when I chose to survive, at 32, she had at least 7 more years ever to reach my stage. Why do people give in so easily?
I tried to justify the decision in my mind. Told myself, it's me who's a coward. I am scared to physically hurt myself in an attempt to die. Be it whatever, I finally decided I am not going for it. I am happy enough, even if I'm lonely.
But the incident got me quite broken. There is an online help email id, I wrote there. They don't give advice, they just listen patiently and help one resolve their thoughts. It helped a lot.
In times of need, you can try these sites:
http://helpguide.org/
http://www.samaritans.org/
They say when you are weak, you are most likely to be duped. And I fell pray to even that. There was this astrologer lady, who was sending me mails continuously. And I being the logical me, was ignoring them. I don't know what happened on Saturday. Again, 1 and a 1/2 day pent up inside the shabby room, I was feeling stifled. When I saw this new mail from the lady, saying time is running out for me. I was feeling so so suicidal then, that I could do anything for myself. I went to the website and gave her my credit card info. And then, good sense came back. I googled on her and realized she's a hoax. Thankfully I called the credit card company in time, and they were able to block the card before the transaction was made (again thanks to the habit of Europeans not working over the weekend).
I was absolutely depleted yesterday. Now I can at least breathe. Yesterday I felt I'd die. I don't know if I really had died for some time. Till this morning I felt quite dead. You should have seen me. Somehow I set out for office. Mid way I felt faint, and somehow managed to signal an auto rickshaw. The guy just pushed me aside and drove on, didn't even say no properly. I was so taken aback. I steadied myself and moved to the nearest shop, and took a plate of idli. I hadn't eaten anything except a biscuit or two for the last 24 hours.
Don't pity me, for today I'm better. I get better if I have work. I am such a diligent worker, that even my dead body would finish the work first and then get cremated. I worship three things on earth, work, love and truth.
But still, my loss will always be there...always...
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