The incorrigible me…

Now this is definitely something new. The fear factor and the cold feet I felt today. Actually there was no issue at all…I send out couple of mails from a generic id as well – as and when there is any media mention for our company, or it has bagged some big project. Bcc field is the global id for the company, whereas in To: we need to give some dummy id. I missed the dummy. When the mail was sent out today, it showed undisclosed-recipients in the To field.
A small mistake. Who would notice? Anyways it was office internal. But I started panicking. They’d get to know I’m absolutely idle. I have become wary of minute details. A thousand thoughts came to mind. Strange thing to happen, considering I was all set to resign couple of days back. But it was kind of, the perfectionist in me was pining away. Never in my life have I so consciously ignored work or been casual about it. This is not me.
Where am I going? Yesterday, I suddenly remembered my childhood computer classes. I have always been a good programmer, a real good logical thinker. Never did I need a flow chart kind of thing to write my program. I used to write and run the program first. Since drawing the flow chart was mandatory in school, and it carried marks, I used to literally derive the flowchart from the program itself. I could think in the programming language itself, you see (it was gwbasic then). And I was totally result oriented. Never believed in planning. Ends, you see, and not the means, are important to me. Yet, yesterday, after I wrote my blog entry, you know what I did? I opened a blank word document, and drew a decision box there. And then I sat staring at it. What else to do? I wanted to analyze the current situation. I failed miserably. Never been able to handle a standalone flowchart in my lifetime :(
I cannot allow this weakness to continue. I must live. I must collect my thoughts and try to sort out the situation. I know I am amply scared now. What with the mistakes and disinterest at work – which never happened before, the ramifications of a failing health (it’s scary, the blood loss, the upset stomach, the red eye – all at the same time), the queasy feeling of indecision – with everything on me, I simply want to break free, and breathe normally…
Yet, let me make it particularly clear that “suggestions” and “advices” are not required. I have always been able to handle my life, and would prefer to be left alone. Never paid heed to anybody except myself, and always will be that way :)