Endless emptiness...

Ohh how can love go away in a moment's time? We were so so happy together, for the first time in my life, I felt what being in love feels like. Those evenings of repeatedly listening to "কে প্রথম কাছে এসেছি" or "এই পথ যদি না শেষ হয়", those mornings of the first meeting of our eyes and a smile breaking on both our faces, whose curse took away everything?

This was an entry I had written few days back, but had not published, because it seemed so silly:

She's not even gone yet, and she's all dreamy eyed about coming back. And she will try to allure me, in all possible ways. "Can you simply imagine, there's a ticket available for Rs 4400? We just must not lose this opportunity!!!"

Crap, crap, crap. Girl, come out of it. You ARE taking a break. NOBODY is that important, and for that matter more important than yourself. But ohh...who'll explain to people who are blind in love?

I somehow managed to stop myself finally from buying the ticket. All I told was...give yourself this chance to see the circumstances and then decide. Only because he is nice to you doesn't mean he has thought of commitment. And commitment is the only thing you need at the present moment. It is very difficult to explain practical things to a emotional fool. I was thankful I didn't plan my return trip, because then came this mail. Perhaps the last mail I'd ever be writing to him, following an insult which was too difficult to endure after an evening of blissful oneness - when we sang together, laughed together and was at the peak of our mental closeness. I had asked him to take me to home (ironically I refer to my place as "room" and his place as "home"), so that we can spend some more time together. Yes I went overboard with my insistence, that was indeed a mistake, but way he tormented me by saying things like - you mean nothing to me, and telling me the same old stories of how many other girls are equally crazy for him and want him, and sms him at the middle of the night, and he cannot care for everyone, he has his own life to live, and then...when I was just beginning to think that he will finally have mercy on me, he gave the final blow - that I should stop messaging or calling him, as he's going to get married soon, and that I have never understood him. It was a 26th August 2007 being repeated all over, only I love this guy too much to even think of revenge or break up. Even this stupid love won't go after so many blows. I literally feel I can kill myself but I can't kill him. Ohh please never force yourself in a relation of love where you must pretend every moment. Where speaking out your mind is a crime, where punishment is the only way of life.

I thought a lot about writing this mail. I know you are in no mental state to read it, and perhaps you don't even have the time. And as you usually do, you'll probably skip or delete the mail. Do it. I don't care. Do I care for anything you do? NO. Had I cared, had I maintained a least bit of self respect in our relationship, you wouldn't have treated me like this.

Yesterday night, what I had to do was unfortunate to say the least. It was not for me to do. And the impact of your reaction was not for me to tolerate. Would you believe if I tell you I am still trembling and shivering, now seated in the office, among so many people, I can't forget the way you have shaken me with your attitude. What do you think? You can make and break me every moment, as you please? You will never be able to deny the fact that you have always loved me, as what, we won't go into that question. Is this the way you treat a loved one, when she has done a mistake out of sheer helplessness? When she is struggling, trembling and begging for you to be a little considerate? One argument we get into, and you negate everything that exists between us? Yesterday you did it twice, once on the way to the restaurant, and then while dropping me home. As soon as a situation gets uncomfortable for you, you will lash out on me is it? That it is all my fault and my dreams and my misinterpretation, that I happen to believe that we love each other? Is it always my duty to make things comfortable for you? Did you ever care to notice how much stressed out I was, during entire evening yesterday? I came all the way from the office in the rain, taking help from my friend, I didn't eat anything in dinner, I got wet in the rain, I hardly watched the movie, I lost my shawl, all the while...all I had it in my mind is...this is probably the last time I am getting to spend time with you. In my mind, literally, I was splitting every moment into parts and living each of them. God dammit, even you know that my greatest fear factor is the fact that I will lose you any day. It is a fact. I know you are not strong. You tend to yield to everything else, except probably to your and my wishes. In my extreme urge to extend whatever little time I can hope to spend with you, I asked for an outrageous favor. Which got you angry. Was it the only way of showing anger? You could have said, "Not today, but some other day." Or taken me home for half an hour. Or been with me in my room for half and hour in the presence of my brother. All I want to tell you is, you could have thought of an alternative solution, instead of bursting out like that. 

All I am trying to say is, once in a while you have to think about the other person too. So many days we have spent together, you didn't even learn to trust me properly. You thought I'd make you do something which you'd repent later. Whereas it was you who had said, both of us have a lot of self control...didn't you? I will tell you something more, which I have never told till today. You know what? The days you are repenting about are the only days you have lived as per your choice and wish. That is why they are so precious to me. That  is how I want you to live, not in a constant sense of guilt, trauma and forced compliance. And I know there is no point telling these things to you. You know every single fact already. These facts make you angry, and not my request that I want to spend the night with you. You say I don't understand you, because at that time, the most convenient thing for you to do was to hold me in very low esteem, consider my intentions to be nothing short of seduction, and tell yourself that I want to take you to hell. You did just that.

How much more do I need to handle? I feel so dead. Is this the only result I shall get through draining myself and loving you? Today, behind my sms also you saw an intention to scandalize you. You failed to notice that I love you more than myself, so couldn't help myself from asking whether you are out of the tumultuous state of mind you were in yesterday. Forgetting my own agony, and expectation of sympathy from you, all I wanted to know was if you are fine. No, I am not a great person. I don't want to imply that at all. I just want to know, have you ever said words like please and sorry to me? Have you ever had to beg from me for anything? (I know your answer, you have repeatedly begged me to leave you alone - and I insisted that we talk). That is just one side of the coin. That was one time when I was asking something for myself - but in that too...I finally kept your wish, right? But apart from that, whenever you have asked anything from me, have I denied? Have I even asked a question? Have I ever said, this is not the proper time, proper place and all the excuses that you usually give? 

I did a mistake yesterday. I realized it once I entered home and saw my brother wide awake. If I hadn't come back, your impression in his eyes would have totally been spoiled. But I didn't realize that  when I asked you...I was crazy with my apprehensions of losing you in few days. Today's sms was also a mistake. I thought it takes 6 hours to your place, and you must not have left before 9 or 10, having slept that late. So...I thought 3:30 would be a safe enough time to sms, if I'd delay it further, you'd have reached home. I couldn't hold myself back, and sent the message at the last possible safe moment as per my analysis. Still, accepted that it was a mistake...and I am really sorry for spoiling everything we have gained for us, throughout last evening. I am really really sorry...

Only one last request...doesn't matter if you keep it or not, I'll anyways be gone in few days. And I swear if you don't make a serious attempt to change the situation, I will never again subject myself back to this hell. But still...think for yourself, apply your own logic, and tell me once...way you have always behaved with me, was that proper? I know you can treat a person like this only when you have full confidence on the person and know that she'd always forgive you and understand you...but all the same, is it not taking me for granted? If so, do I not deserve a similar grant once in a rare while? 

You said yesterday, and also that day in the park, that I lost it. For my own fault. For my greed, my demands and my mistakes and selfishness. Right? Tell me something, if I lost it, then it means I had it once? Then why do you say, nothing ever existed between us? How much more of self contradiction will you do? 

You remember, you had given me a chance to be your friend? I don't know how many chances I have given you to be able to deserve me and my love. And you have kicked all those chances. I am not like you...I don't threaten every now and then like you do...for I never want to...but if you let our yesterday's happiness and understanding go away for this one incident, you won't be doing the correct thing. If you have read this mail, and if you understand a little bit of what you made me go through...you come back and talk to me. Otherwise just consider me dead...I am anyways going away. 

I am empty now. I feel drained and almost dead. You'd be surprised to know...yes I still love him. But I don't seek anything for that love. If my love is so unnecessary to him, I have no desire to prove its worth. What next I don't know. Life is unpredictable. It changes in a moment. Let's see. As I said, if it gives me opportunities, I will accept. I am not a coward. But at the same time, I won't deny me my rest. If you love someone truly, you cannot stay away from him, I have realized that. But then, there is no point imposing, I have realized that too. I am now really truly ready to leave everything on time. And yes on God. Once again chanting His name helped bring back my strength and faith. And I could see the truth very clearly. Truth of a very confused and weak person. Who wants me intensely, yet doesn't have the courage to admit it or stand up for it. But this time, it is not for me to give him strength. For a while, I live with myself...I think that will be in the best interest of both of us.

Me and Miss Marple :)

She has been telling me for long...he is scared of you...he is scared that he will offend you, he will hurt your feelings. Well...I really don't know how to...analyze this - what is the necessity? What is the point in being scared when you don't take an action? I don't know...today I realized, anger comes to very helpless people. For practical people can control their emotions. I am very helpless. I don't know what you think and what you intend to do...and till I know, your pity and your fear means nothing to me. Please...spare me...I want to shout aloud. And then I remind myself, 23 more days of torture...then you are free. Free to exist as a single entity, not to remember what has happened in your life...not to cry at broken promises...not to be pain stricken at lies, or hidden truths, not to let yourself feel.

But then, does it change anything? I will anyways leave a part of me, back in this city. Back to all the tortures of life because he cannot say no. Would he be helpless? I don't know. I know, I will always feel this helplessness in my heart, because the very fact that "he is scared" means "he cares" :)

I don't know why I had to read so much Agatha Christie that I became a live Miss Marple :) Surely to add to his troubles in life :) Poor thing, he must be in such a troubled condition. Trapped and jailed...he must feel all the time. Oh when will you break free, if ever?

A few more days...

I told you...I don't care anymore. If they get to know or they don't. I will live life my own way...as I always have. Yes, I love him. There is nothing to hide. I am as proud of my love as a mother would be of her son.

Yesterday's happiness was unprecedented. I never ever felt this kind of happiness in my life. If this is a trailer, I don't know how the film would be like :) But yes, today again was lonely and empty...but as I said, it doesn't matter. আমার ছুটি হয়েছে is all that matters. Not even a month more. Well, why can I not play with  my life? It is my life after all :)

When you don't get a full life to live, you have to live in moments. Yesterday...was one such moment. When my ears were ringing with his voice. His laughter. And then the moment...the bearded haggard him...finally managed to get out of his friend circle (literally) and came over...and...I saw him. I...I realized just how much I love this man. What's going away? Even death can't separate me from this man.

But I will miss Bangalore...and the evening breeze...the city is overcrowded, with bare minimum amenities and sky high prices, but still the breeze comforts you as nothing else does. It soothes you like a lullaby and puts you to sleep. Albeit with the heavy heart, but puts you to sleep...

Aimless existence...but it is good in a way...

কি হচ্ছে কিছুই বুঝতে পারিনা - কিছু অনর্থক চিন্তা, কিছু অহেতুক ভাবনা, কিছু গান আর কিছু স্বপ্ন, জানিনা এ কি ছেলেমানুষী।
"আমার" কথাটাই বড্ড অর্থহীন। আমার বুবু , আমার ঋত, এত আমার আমার করি কেন আমি? আজ এতদিন বাদে ঋত -র ছবি দেখে যেন মনটা ঝপ করে ১২ বছর আগে ফিরে গেল - with that same sense of possession. It took me to that ancient dreamland which I used to think is a wreck by now. May be how Rose felt when she was taken to the wreckage of the Titanic after so many years, and she suddenly realized, nothing had changed actually...
It came rushing to my mind, just how much I had loved Rito, depended on him, thought him to be the basis of my life. My Rito, my Rito, my Rito...Rito used to be the God in my life...
Today when life itself is reaching a standstill, it was nice to see the God again.

And even before that, it was a strange morning. A morning when my Boo Boo woke me up...though throughout the night, I had been with him only, I never felt he is away...I was too happy coexisting with him as a same soul, as he traveled back to me...but then...the happiness gradually seeped through reality and evaporated. What kind of a life is it, when you are not allowed to live it as per your wish? Oh why should I bother? I am all set to go...আমার তো ছুটি হয়েছে, তাই না? কেন চিন্তা, কিসের চিন্তা? যাকে ছেড়ে চলে যাব ঠিক করেছি, তাকে নিয়ে কিসের ভাবনা? সে কেমন থাকলো আমি কেন ভাবতে যাব, সে কি কোনদিন ভেবেছে আমি কেমন আছি বা থাকব?

I don't know...I am happy that time is ticking. Oh what would I have done if time would have stood still? They say a relationship fails when you cease to be yourself. But haven't I always been myself in my relationships? Have I not given a lot, always more than what the other person  ever deserved, and then when I asked for the love, I have been turned down. As if I am supposed only to give. See...I don't care that my life is a wreck, and I guess it is not as bad a wreck as I think it to be. I am proud that I have asked back, I am proud that I haven't compromised, I haven't pretended. I am happy I haven't adjusted with a make shift life, I waited for it, and when it didn't come I accepted the emptiness, but I haven't resorted to brainwash myself. May be that is the reason, in some corners of my mind, my love stories remain alive, and as fresh as a newly blossomed flower. 

The last month...

Oh what do I do with the 4 weeks that remain? A queasiness at the pit of my stomach, and a strange, choking happiness in my mind...that tells me, sweetheart, now is the time to live. NOW. Whatever happens, I shall and I must live this one month. This is not like my 3 months in Singapore, when I lived, but didn't tell him the reason why I lived. This one month - is something both of us know about. I think this headache and this restlessness will be an ongoing thing. I will probably never be able to sleep peacefully for this entire month. And I don't want also. See, till date I might not have lived life fully. But now I will.

18th October, 2012. Might be my last day in Bangalore city. Almost 8 years away from home. Faced almost every kind of crisis possible. Reached almost every triumph as well. I don't repent anything. Whatever God does, He does it for our well being only :)

Nonsense...

I love the evening breeze in Bangalore. It kind of takes away everything negative, and leaves you with a strange calm. See...we are not ambitious people...let alone being greedy. At the end of a difficult day, I am happy with a pleasant breeze that seems to comfort me.

Hope is a wonderful thing. It makes you feel alive, suddenly, from nowhere. Is it really possible that he will come back sooner? Is it really possible that I will spend a little more than my stipulated time with him? No, it doesn't bother me anymore. The thought of his marriage. If it has to happen, it has to happen by his own free will. If after all he really wishes to marry some other girl, then, our love must have never happened...

If you ask me, the very idea that he'd backtrack from here, sounds impossible. And like a jigsaw puzzle I can find all pieces falling into their place (must tell you at this point that I am particularly good at solving jigsaw puzzles). Even my prospective break. If not now, then when again would I get time to spend with my parents. I am hopeful. About the future for which I have probably waited too long. Though there is no signal yet that it might happen, but simple logic tells me there can be no other possibility, until and unless he chooses a wrong path. And I strongly believe he is a John Galt in the making, he is also as obsessed about his desires as I am, there is absolutely no way this can go wrong.

But as always, certain negativity remains. The secrets which I have learnt, how to hold it back from my parents? If they happen to learn, there goes my family too...against us...leaving us totally alone, i.e. without a family. I am anyways 99% sure his parents will never accept us. The 1% benefit of doubt I am leaving, under the assumption that they must love their son at least that much.

And then my mind does tricks on me. From an apparent high, I reach an unexpected low. My mind has always been wary of and tortured by sexuality. Except with him, it has never felt correct. And nowadays it shows me more of its grey shades and freaks me out. But somehow, this correctness that he brings, comes to my rescue.

I know that the next one month will be terribly choking and indecisive. Working with a goal in mind is never easy. And straining and draining yourself, with your everything at stake, to achieve that one goal, is even more difficult. But I shall fight till the end and then silently walk away. Victory or defeat doesn't matter to me anymore. All I need is giving my 100% and then allowing myself to take rest.

Miracle and Prayers...

Jaane is safar mein aisa kya hua hai?
Mere hain kadam aur tera raasta hai...
Dard judai ka is dil mein bharke...
Dhundenge tujhko raahon mein phirse...
Tere bin soona soona laage...
Jag mujhe soona soona laage...
Tujhko dhundengi yeh aankhein..
Na ja zindagi mein aake...

I feel totally choked without him...and especially after yesterday evening, I have lost all clues in their entirety. It was one 15th October repeated again. Why, how I don't know. All I got to know is...his feelings are still the same...

Then is it really possible that he doesn't love me at all? Today we talked for a long time. I was telling him how, in my worst crisis period...all I used to do was to chant God's name. During that engineering admission time, even recently...it helps me regain the faith in God.

He gave a very queer reaction. I was telling this, and then went on to say, but I don't follow rituals, I don't do it like a routine...and he said, oh that I also don't do. Nobody in my family does it...you don't have to worry about it...

Then again he drifted to strange talks...ohh no one can give happiness, no one can take it away, it comes and goes. You cannot work towards your happiness. A man drinks to be happy and causes his wife sorrow.

I protested thoroughly. Oh Boo...wherefrom do you get your ideas? If a husband and wife decide to drink together...to celebrate their anniversary and get high, nobody is upset. If a wife is upset with her husband's drinking habits, she doesn't have convincing abilities on her husband...the problem lies elsewhere.

Then I went on to tell him...Boo...last evening happened, because we worked towards it. When in the morning I said, I want to say bye to you...you said I can do that in the evening. And then I called you, you said you are coming back, I asked if we can go together, you said, you'll see...

He said he'll drop me on the way, then he went on driving...and he suddenly asked for a pen drive, I was adamant that I have to search for it, he should come and sit inside for that time. He tried to deny but finally gave in. I said, don't worry, I won't touch you. He chuckled...do I need to worry about that? Perhaps my pain showed, that it has come to this :)

I went on to tell him...how it was there all the time in our sub conscious. We got our happiness, because we worked together with the aim of reaching it. Yesterday evening...I slept like I was drunk and drugged. I couldn't take so much happiness in myself...

I did a thing very lovingly today. I ate curd rice. Took a second helping. I don't have enough words to express how much I want this to work out. If only I'd get some help.

Allowing yourself to be bullied...

...is a worse crime to your self respect than anything else on earth. I remember the rare occasions where I have accepted being bullied (most torturing incident was that auto driver asking for 5 extra bucks during a Durga Puja time, when I was in my teens, and when in self justification he said - what if I had taken you to some dark alley and left you there...and I shuddered and buckled in and gave him the money) and I am filled with so much self loathing, way you feel at a revenge not taken, once you let the chance go away, it cripples your free spirit entirely.

Don't know what is going on in the country. My Sovereign Democratic Republic of India. But I can tell that this is because Indian men (and women - but being a girl I feel women are a more liberated species than men) have forever allowed themselves to be bullied. So much so that they don't even realize they are being bullied. And you know what, once the victims reach that stage, bullying becomes a rightful act.

Oh when will people wake up and learn thinking of their own? When will they learn that acceptance without questioning is not a virtue. That norms of the society are not concrete, they are there to be changed. Oh, imagine the frustration, when I have known people who think independently, know what has happened in the society and talk appreciatively about people whose thought process have transformed social mandates, even obliterated them, yet they, like a blind trusting dog, think, "Yes, this has happened, this is logical and rational, but this is NOT applicable to me in the perspective of my family and my society." In other simple colloquial words, "I shall not budge, because obedience is my comfort zone."

And people end up pretending all their life. Understanding that their ideas and beliefs are the very best. I have never thought twice before thrashing such people out in the open.

I remember the principal in my engineering college, who was extremely fond of me and was ready to shell out all kinds of favors to me, the apparently stronger person, but won't help out my lesser able friends. No campus interview in bulk, establish contacts with companies and send them your best brains. Not letting a friend reappear for her exams, because she is suffering from a psychiatric condition. "Oh she is too weak minded to be an engineer." Wanted to scream out to him last week, after giving my resignation - "Hello Sir, this is what your weak minded society has done to your strong minded girl. Even I gave up."

I remember my senior colleague from my previous company. A totally biased person who loves the world that lives by his code. Want to know his code? Story books are useless...those who write them are dumb heads who have no work, those who read them are even worse off. Why? Because story books give you a different perspective? Tells you about someone else's thought process? So many people have told me, ohh fictions are worthless, such things never happen in reality. Excuse me, they do happen. All this while, how do you think I have sustained, if the miracle had not happened in my life. All the time I clung on to that single ray of light, that voice with the first tremor of life murmuring in my ears, "it feels so different when you kiss me back, than when I kiss you. It feels so much better..." Whatever is taken away from me in my life, this is what I will never lose. The triumph of my faith in love, my miracle, proving that love is indeed, supreme.

So ya, not to deviate, let us end on a hilarious note. Might teach bullied people about how to give it back. Without being hurtful. I had set my gtalk tagline as "Tum bin mann ki baat adhuri..." - the song being a summary of all my feelings for the love of my life. This above mentioned ex colleague pings me and dictates - "and pl chnage such line from gtalk status this is not good".
Me: "It is my gtalk, and my tagline...whatever is in my mind, it should reflect that only right?"
" what ever it is , there are some thing which is good to be hidden... any way . no more comment"
Me: hmm :) I want it to be known
"ok"

It pains me a lot to see him being bullied unnecessarily. They have always bullied him and he has never reacted, the gentleman that he is. May be today's entry ensues from that pain only. That I am so helpless, I cannot save the most beloved person of my life from being dictated in a way he doesn't deserve. If I know him even the least bit, he won't be able to pretend for a life time. He is not made of that material. Had he not been as much of a rebel at heart as me, we would have never felt like soul mates. I really don't know when he will realize, that until you are happy in your heart, you cannot give away happiness. It is a strange case of living in a pseudo world...he is convinced he is happy this way, happy being a dead body. From some twisted crooked altruistic sense ingrained in him, he feels he deserves giving up his choice, deserves to be forced to follow that diktat, and never know exultation. But whatever it be, how can I desert the person who had given me the truest sense of happiness and freedom and benevolence once? Until he deserts me, I am not going to walk out on this relationship. My parents have to endure their dreams being crushed, because firstly, their dreams follow nothing but the norms of the society which I have never paid heed to, and secondly and most importantly, they gave birth to such a daughter and brought her up to be the way she is :)

My favorite movies...

Ohh how relaxed I feel after a long long time. It is a feeling when your inner qualms have subsided...and you are finally at peace...have fought, have cried, have embarrassed yourself, have emoted to the maximum possible extent, and have regained your composure. You know you have made a fool of yourself but don't really regret. You regain your self confidence, and with your present state of mind only, you face the world proudly.

Bombay:

25th February 1996. The day I watched Bombay for the first time, amid down pouring rain. I don't know how many more times I will write about about that lonely afternoon full of so many new realizations. Today the 32 year old girl sits back and thinks there must have been some reason why I have worshiped Bombay as a movie, despite its apparent irrational plot. Because some day I was supposed to go through the same ordeal, and as my mom says, destroy myself. But still at the same time, hope is born out of nowhere. When I frantically search for the vocal version of Bombay theme in youtube. No, the instrumental version won't suffice. I need to listen to the song - the words, that give life to that mesmerizing tune:

Aankhon mein ummeedon ke kuchh ho sapne...
Aanchal aman ka ho tan mann pe apne
Raatein ho gehri to kya?
Aata hai aakhir ek din naya...

Harano Sur:

Literally meaning "The Lost Music", there has hardly been any other movie where I have felt so one at heart with the female lead. No, she doesn't fit the modern girl who has her life in her stride, but she has this peculiar confidence all the same. "My father says, the right to make mistakes is a very big personal right of human beings". From that immense pride, to her subtle feeling of happiness when Alok, still unable to recognize his wife, is overcome with the piano tune of a song she sang to her on their wedding night and is compelled to present Rama with a bouquet of flowers, to the final helplessness, "My husband...has forgotten me..." Rama also gives up everything and is finally forced to return to her father's house. Oh what acting, what expressions. "See...I have come here with a lot of hope" - oh how do you convince a husband who has lost his memory? The pain and the resolve is unparalleled. Had I not watched this movie, had it not been one of the guiding stars of my life, I wouldn't have seen this date. The song keeps haunting the soul who has forgotten everything, only apart from the faint essence of devotion he had once promised. And their entire relationship hangs precariously on the edge of that vague memory.

Tum bin mann ki baat adhuri...

Have you ever faced a situation where you don't know how you are feeling? I am really realizing what they mean by going with the motions. Since morning I have gone through thousand different kinds of emotions. But the only advantage an intelligent girl has is, she can at least make out what is the most intense among her emotions. Yes, unabashedly I should admit, it is my sense of guilt. I am leaving him and going. I am giving up on him. I am doing what everyone else has done with him. Give him no worth. No value. Put all blame on him and just go. How much will he bear? Is there no end to his sufferings?

What will happen to him once I go? He continues being what he is? In his own words, "I am a dead body, I don't feel anything, yet I am alive, I am happy". There...have you ever heard anything more stupid?

And I am leaving this man and going away? Just because he says he doesn't love me, loves other girls along with me, and in the same breath says, he is capable of loving nobody, he will not love his wife also? Have you ever met anyone more confused? And what if he doesn't love also? As if my life will be any different going back. If he decides to marry another girl, how does it matter if during that time I stay in Bangalore or Calcutta? Does being an ostrich ever help? And that too, he told me that ostriches don't hide their faces in the sand way we think, it is a myth. And I verified it from google too.

So what next? Don't know...let's see. Will keep you informed.

And yes, the song kept me going these few days. I remembered it as if in trance...since then don't know how many times I have listened to it. Can't have enough of it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gSum5QHrJYo

Resignation...

And they said...the world is supposed to end on 21st December 2012. The day after my birthday. Did ever the date 6th September come in anyone's mind. That life comes to a standstill for a girl who has perhaps been the greatest moron on earth? Who has believed in God, believed in love, truth and work, in an era where these concepts only are becoming extinct?

Even I thought I'll go on and on only with the intentions in mind, but no action. But how long? At times you need to close the gate and burn the bridges. Do I love him? Yes. Am I doing this to myself out of the love for him or the lack of love of myself? No. I am doing this to give up my hopes and wishes and dreams. Go back, to the same shelter where my life started, and which thankfully still exists. My mom and dad. I know they won't be there forever. I can't even start to think what a dreary life it will be once my savings are done with. And before my savings are done with, what to do with my entire day? How to exist without work? I don't know all that. I am not even asking questions to myself. I will never ever ask God the big question of defeatists, "Why me?". I must have done something, for which He made me go through all this. It is for me to decide how much I can take and when to say no. My prerequisite for existence is transparency and truth. My soul is intact, there has been few incidents of contempt and too much self pride, for which I may have caused grief to others. I remember once, a pregnant lady had taken up a seat I was standing near, in the bus. Was very tired after school, had felt angry towards her. I don't know, had I wished her and her child something ill? Is that the reason I never got a family life myself? I can only speculate about the mistake, that has caused this punishment. I know there are tortured people all over the world. Everyone faces doom and death in life, accept it and move on. People for whom life has offered nothing, they also exist and smile once in a while, people whom life has given everything, even they feel lonely and depressed at times. I can't explain God's ways of ruling his world. And I can't question on that. I know I wanted to be with him, to cook food for him and take care of him, way all girls want a husband, I wanted him. That was not granted. I am not in a mental and physical condition to work in this state of mind, so I am quitting work. I know I need rest, so I am going back home. These are the only facts present with me. Rest are incessant tears, and the realization that I still love him. I don't love him selflessly, I love him selfishly, I want his love too. But how does that matter. Oh...how does that matter?

All I hope for today, is that I am able to keep my calm and give my resignation. I am very clear in my mind, that if I don't have him, I don't need anything else from life. Nothing else :)

Steps towards the end...

Well...it is funny that I survived so long after writing "Justification of insensitivity". How does it feel now? With the decision taken?
Well it is a decision I have taken so many times earlier also. Taken but not executed. Prior to the actual execution, I do feel restless. And very gravely sad. It is not easy. To let go of my work, my dreams everything at a shot. But then, have I not been pretending long since? What work? It was less of work, more of source of earning money. It gave me no satisfaction. There is no harm in quitting it. I was not feeling up to it anyways.
How does it feel to leave my dear beloved man in life and go away? Well, it doesn't matter. He wants to lose me. He is getting what he wanted to get. I am giving him that and nothing else.