Worthless words...

You should learn from me how to live alone...

God, has a great sense of humor. I have to admit that. When you least expect, things happen in your life, that incessant prayers don't bring up.

He, the handsome he, in his impeccable dressing style, came up to me, to ask why I am eating alone...where's my partner? He was not there when I ate alone for the first time. He never noticed when my eyes used to steam up and in the full cafeteria, I had to pretend that I'm cleaning my face, and wipe my tears. And today, when it's almost time to go, and I'm totally habituated to this solitude, he comes and invites me to eat with him. Tell me whether to laugh or cry?

I told him...I am into this habit now. He told, get into good habits then. Don't I want that too? What if I can't reach out? What if I am choked before I can ask? Don't I deserve human company all the same?

The conversation didn't move much. Czech Republic has given me two people to admire, and I am strangely shy of them. In fact, the other day I was wondering, how well I get on with my client manager - and I answered myself, that this is only because I have no romantic involvement with him - never felt anything. It is strange. We have the perfect friendship (that KJo thinks doesn't exist) - we are candid, and perfectly free of formalities and emotions - we don't mind when we criticize each other and when we appreciate, there's no deliberate falsification - the relation is 100% balanced. It's a strange comfort level that exists, all the more the reason why I love working here. But let's not discuss things that are short lived.

I had told the apple faced sweetheart about my planned date of return already, today I told the other one as well. I feel tired and sleepy now. My usual reaction when good times come to end. I am very sure I don't want to go back. Way I was sure I didn't want to come here.

If at all I ever get married, I'd ask for only one thing from my husband. Stability. But just now I said we won't discuss about short lived things. What about improbable ones? :)

You know what? I feel deserted. Why was it supposed to happen to me? Only because I refused to compromise? How can I explain that I can't compromise. I feel my insides are coming out, whenever I have even attempted. I hate myself. I curse myself. One day, during the Pujas, one auto-driver took 5 Rs extra from me. I was a kid then, 14 or 15. He simply didn't return the change. When I asked for it, he said something like - how dare you ask, would it have been good if I'd have left you alone in some dark alley? I couldn't answer him back and silently left. Till date I keep scolding myself why I compromised, why I didn't protest, why I didn't slap that person. I can't - it tortures me.

If I have this kind of feeling for an unknown wrongdoer - imagine what I'd feel if my husband might do something incorrect. I being the old fashioned girl, who has always worshiped the husband in her mind. Nobody would know how torn I used to feel when I had consented for marriage with Anand in 2009. I can't compromise.

So this had to happen to me. It's not much of a change. From one zone of loneliness, I am going on to another one. Who cares if my life moves on or comes to a standstill? Suddenly remembered my new white salwar suit I had got in SG. Who cares if I have stopped worshiping, even believing in God?