As I spend my last few days on site, in better living and climatic conditions than I can probably ever get back in India, I ponder, on what to concentrate?
Cooking was an option that came first in my mind. The anti waste campaigner that I am, and the spendthrift that I am gradually turning into, for both of these persona, this seemed to be a good choice.
Traveling was not an option that had much chance. I am lazy. And my traveling is better done when I read. The idea of discovering a country or a place in 2 days, is not my cup of tea. I love Calcutta, and haven't yet explored it fully. I don't like Bangalore, but in six years, haven't known it well. I guess I know Prague and Singapore in a much better way. Even Asansol. Because I found peace in these places. I don't say it's astrology or something, but you get to know in your mind...whether you can adapt to a place. So, though traveling was not planned, didn't want to lose the opportunity to revel for the last few times in the now familiar cobbled roads of Prague.
But the option that has finally emerged victorious, was not on the cards initially. And since, much like my dear friend K (it suddenly occurred to me that both KJo and Karthik have their names starting with K and both said this phrase), I ceremoniously declare that I too am not a saintly person - so it all began with the scandal I read in ABP. About this lady being a bit unnecessarily bold in one of her new movies. I am out of touch with Bengali Cinema. Except for an occasional treat of "Sab Charitro Kalponik" or "Noukadubi" (Rituparno's movies basically) and frankly speaking, since I was at my desperation's edge when I was leaving Bangalore this time - I was compelled to go for "Iti Mrinalini". It's like, when you are dying, you never ask for juice, what you ask for is water. Something more familiar :) I longed for a movie in my mother tongue...that was the primary reason why, in a fevered state of mind, I ran for the movie after office.
So I, the ever exploring person, tried to reason out. Who is she? Have I ever seen her? I remembered seeing her in this Jewelry ad banner, with a kind of lost dreamy look, which you can find quite often on my face. I could relate to her through that picture. Don't laugh - it's the typical - I am a princess but nobody cares for me - kinda look :D :D
Ok, having identified her, next phase in the research was - what made her act so desperate? Cinema is a visual medium, and portrayal of someone else, not self, is all fine. But above all else, I never ever forget that writing on Luna didi's table, "Good girls always go to heaven, bad girls may go anywhere". Not that I haven't been a bad girl. I have had my full share of vices. In fact to that Dr. Manjula, me and she won't be much different...but we are deviating. If we are to argue, we can even argue (Molly told me in one of our last conversations) that for some US election, some lady was contesting - who was actually a pro in this...so, in this era everything is possible.
I thought, it is not fair to give a judgment (though she's being entirely candid and doesn't care for a verdict). I decided to watch her movies. That's how I ended up watching a couple of off beat, but non Rituparno Bengali movies. Two were enough, and I could easily confess to myself, that reading about Lalon Fakir was a much better experience, I don't want to dilute it by watching the movie.
Don't get me wrong. Not that I didn't like the attempts. But my mind is tuned to a better class of cinema. I did say I liked Kalbela. But then, watching new movies - I had the distinct feeling of - effort. If there is effort in a movie, it is most likely not a good work. Movies need to be free flowing, should merge with my thinking, my life. And as for the initial reason - with the second movie I was quite wary to know further about the lady. Let her do whatever she wishes - she might boast of being a world movie fanatic, but her acting doesn't show that much depth. In all probability I think all she went for was a gossip to boost her career.
But in that state of exasperation, I wanted to watch some good movie. I started with Ray's Aranyer Din Ratri. I must have been quite angered, for I could readily see some flaws there. I had a long discussion with dad. Am I qualified enough to find fault with editing and screen play - and in some rare occasions even direction - of Ray's movies? Dad suggested, I should watch more. He didn't entirely rule out my opinions, just said that Ray must have watched more movies than me, before he came into the profession :) I solemnly replied "I have read more".
Jana Aranya was next. As per dad's advice. Before ending the conversation, he said, since you have the opportunity, watch as many good movies as possible. And my mind, even today, is in such a state, that all I want is to find solace in my mother tongue. So Ray was an only option.
Three movies in three successive evenings. Jana Aranya, Mahanagar, Kapurush. I feel I don't have time enough. I need to finish watching all the movies. In the less than two weeks that is remaining. That same restlessness I felt - to finish watching Ganer Opare. "This is something I can't do without".
But at times you have to yield. My colleague and his wife, they never seem to give up on me. Every time they'd go out, they'd ask me. Every time I'd bluntly refuse. There should be a limit to ill behavior. I couldn't let them down for today. Went out to see the Prague castle. One last time. It did come in my mind, once or twice, that I could have probably done 3 movies today. But I didn't bother. Subhaga and me, both seem to love the sun once in a while :)
Came back tired yet happy enough. First thing after checking my mails was - Mausam review. At heart, I am still a die hard romantic. Mausam led to Hum Dono, some old songs, and then - some familiar tunes from Hemanta. I have written here before, I hardly love anything more in life, than a Hemanta Lata duet. I was surprised to see, in my youtube play list, all the songs so far has Hemanta related to it somehow.
Mathe ki bindiya tu hai sanam
Naino ka kajra piya tera gham...
I sank in the tunes and started writing. Yeah, watching movies was a priority, but can't get away from these songs now. What to do? Have I ever been able to tame myself? Direct myself in one particular track?
Once again referring to KJo, he said in SG's show, "Fortunately my release is in films, not in my bedroom" - you know where my release is in? IN MY FREEDOM. So long as I have the ability to do whatever I feel like, I shouldn't have much problem in life.
I am always, the Ulka in Bishkanya. It takes a Senjit to make her submissive :) If he's not there, what to do. The time machine is a wreck. It doesn't move from the past. I hate it. Still I love stepping in, every night, to fall asleep.
It was very sunny today. But cold also. The two things don't really go hand in hand. I am fond of both. The debate was, which was more appropriate. Sunny, or cold? I voted for sunny. The couple disagreed. I chuckled and said, "Nahi kya?" It was definitely not me who spoke. I don't chuckle like that. I don't say "Nahi kya" in that style. Some things tell me, that you flow in my blood.
Today, after about half a year, I happened to put Kajal in my eyes. Perhaps that's not the reason I found myself beautiful, after a long long time. It's because, having shed the burden of having to pursue you once more, I felt your presence once again. We walked together. After a long time.
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