Another new bend in life.
Sukhe achhe jara...sukhe thak tara...
Sukh, is something which I can't have. I don't even expect. It's indeed been a loaned life for a year. A life I was not supposed to have. Over that...Prague. Europe itself. See, I am not saying I don't deserve it. What is it now for Indians to travel abroad. No big deal. I am just saying, I don't have that luck. So even if things come to me, they don't stay back. It happens this way, and I don't feel bad about it anymore.
Just that, going back seems scary. A lot of difficult decisions need to be taken. Decisions which are synonymous to suicide. If I take - I die. If I don't take - I live the much hated zombie life once again...
Today, a strange thing happened. During our never ending conversation, Bee told me, that she has heard from some people that I am selfish. Incorrigibly selfish. What surprised me was - I didn't at all feel bad hearing this. I replied back, rather edgily, that I consider it among my qualities - my two best qualities are - 1. I am selfish and 2. I am a snob.
I am not a good girl. I know that. Just that, people who say I am not good enough - if you look into their life, you'd discover that they are even worse than me.
Preparing to go back would mean, cutting off my bonding with this blog. And anyways I have nothing more to tell. Life is as dull as - was it dish water or ditch water? :D :D
I like to run away from life. I am always awed by intelligent people. That is my only turn on. Intelligence. Brilliance. Wit. Wasn't it what Rowena Ravenclaw said? Wit beyond measure is man's greatest treasure? Today...as I was coming to office, in my mind, as Mann Mohanaa played in my ipod...I was begging to you...talk to me...
But you and your ego...defies the rules only once in a blue moon, right? He reminds me of your kiddo. First time I saw him, I used this phrase - apple cheeked. You two looked like mirror image only. He too has apple cheeks you know. His face only is like an apple. Round and fair. Since he has such a huge body, I could very well guess it's him, and you know what I did? I took the other escalator. And was walking towards the exit as slowly as possible, but still we were scheduled to meet and he greeted me :( I stuck up a conversation with an unknown Indian girl, but still we met again in the lift. And I was very very uncomfortable. I don't know how to face life. Forget this. This is just fun. Still I was running away from it. So much so that I darted out to him that I am done with my work and I am going back - when he asked about what I am doing these days. Running away from life has become my favorite sport it seems.
It comes back to me in flashes. Our rides in the MRT. It was called MRT only na? Some Mass Rapid Transit I believe. You know, I saw a house number 125 here. I tried my best to remember my house number - but failed. But I can still recite the stations from my place to your place. Tampines, Tana Merah, Bedok, Al Juneid. No I guess I forgot a few stations.
You know what? I want to shout to the world, one last word...DO NOT HOLD BACK. I ruined my life with my silence. Let me tell you sir, silence is never ever well timed. I don't know how much you remember that evening. But it's etched in my mind. Each small deliberate movement of yours. You had asked me if I'd eat something. I had nodded no. I waited to see if you'd come and sit near me. I could remember those numerous days, when we had lunch together. Together as if, we really belonged to each other. You kept waiting that day - perhaps in hope that some miracle might happen. I too did the same thing. And none of us spoke. Today, you have things to sustain a normal life. I don't. Tell me, whom do I blame, except myself?
That day too...I begged silently, and today as well...Could you never guess? Am I to believe that? Then tell me one good reason why I am facing this.
Tomorrow my life might change. If I go back early my life might change. Most of all, since no one's life can be a never ending misery, my life too is bound to change. But you know why I run away from these changes? I DON'T WANT THEM. NO. PERIOD.
I love the song. And I hate my time machine. IMG_2388 and this song is a deadly combination. I get quite quite drunk. I love this depression. I loved KJo when he said exactly this thing. For people like us, who feel love will always have its triumph, come what may - people like you are worse than dementors. Suck away the last bit of happiness.
I said to myself that day - that I'd survive another 10 years. This much is enough for me. No I can't - I am failing miserably. I don't know how I lived through these many years, since 18th March 2008. You know me. I am not a girl who rebels. Only time I tried to rebel was when I repeatedly called you on that day. Ever seen crushed faith? Its like a flower you deliberately step on. To think that I still worship you.
I want to rebel today. I have had enough of this life. This suffering. I won't do it anymore.
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