In the entire lazy weekend, at least some good things I did. The dresses were all dumped inside the cupboard, folded them all. Charged my ipod - been such a long time even used it - as it is...it got discharged. Initially, when this used to happen, I used to get scared. Will it charge up again? Will it work? I used to wonder. Because if something happens to my ipod, it'd mean the end of my last link to him. This is the blue he liked...it bears his touch...it is as precious as my memories. Only...I can't touch my memories, I can hold my ipod. So charged my ipod as well. And cleaned some long hidden virus in it. One benefit of having an office laptop and an updated McAfee with a valid license...
And I cooked prawns. Way I wanted to. Very spicy fried prawns. Had it with rice. Cleaned all the utensils. Washed all the dirty clothes. Didn't go out even for once. Read every nook and corner of TOI. Read ABP. Watched KJo on SG's new show. And I loved loved loved the way he said, he doesn't listen to western music - he is a hindi film and song person...
So am I...Even these days I am a bit distant from Bollywood also...I am celebrating my being a Bengali. Yesterday I started watching Crazy Stupid Love...trust me, after 5 min I couldn't continue anymore. I was half scared only...to try another movie. First - the movie sites are not very safe, you tend to get some or the other virus, and then, though I do admit I have watched few wonderful English movies, in general I can't relate to them.
Finally when today afternoon I had nothing better to do, somehow I came across Kalbela in youtube and started watching it. I remembered my college days, when I had read Uttaridhikar first, and then Kalbela. I haven't yet got an opportunity to read Kalpurush. Kalpurush I remember watching on television, as a kid...I am quite sure Koushik Sen did Arko's role...he was very young then (he looks quite the same even today) - and I remember how dynamic his character was. I particularly remember that feast series he had arranged, seemed such a good idea to me :) Well, though in my opinion, Samaresh Majumdar is not that great an author, but still few of his works are good. Only he could have been more hardworking in his research, and you see...an author needs to be a lot more perceptive also. I can't explain, Bani Basu's Gandhorbi has left such an everlasting impact on me, I don't see that perception in male authors. I love reading Sunil for his sheer style of storytelling and his extensive research. But who can sway the innermost core of your heart like Bani Basu or Suchitra Bhattacharya does.
But this is not about novels. This is about the movie Kalbela. Well, to begin with, I had this queer feeling that I have lost a lot in the last 6 years. May be not so much in personal life and career, as in being detached from my culture. I could never be a part of the silent cultural revolution that has happened in Bengal after 2005. People who were mere kids have become potential actors. For example Parambrata. Before watching this movie, I never even considered him to be a full fledged actor. He still has that childish confused style of acting - but way he has handled the transformation that this role demanded, way he has portrayed the old world charm that 70s backdrop demanded - is simply amazing. I have missed so many good Bengali movies that has been made in this time. Perhaps haven't even heard about some of them. Never read about new books that were published. New talents that emerged. These are things I can identify with. Can live for. And Bangalore has taken away these very things from me. No I don't want to live in Bangalore. Kolkata is calling me with arms outstretched. I know my poor city doesn't have so much of prospects. I know I'll probably end up becoming a mental patient if I go there. But still I want to go back. Won't I live for some days, in a way I want to live? Be the very Bengali girl in a very western outfit, sleeveless top and jeans, sunglasses and yet kajal and bindi, humming some familiar Rabindrasangeet. I can be myself. Be with mom and dad, who are proud of me for the girl that I am, not for the job that I do or the money that I earn. They are proud of their daughter who doesn't know how to give up. Oh I am thrilled to know what a ball of a time we'd have this Christmas. We shall get cake from Flury's once again. I'd go out with dad in the wintry days, snuggled in my old sweaters which I haven't worn for years. Calcutta winter is the most wonderfully romantic season that can be. Trust me, I was born in one. And then, book fair with dad. That'd be the ultimate thing. Just how many book fairs have I missed. This is not the life I intended to live. The life that I have lived for the last six years. And now is time to change things.
I hope I keep this in mind while taking the tough decision. It is always difficult to give up. But I am not really giving up. For the first time, I am trying not to give up.
There's no other way out. Frankly speaking, I have weighed my options. There's no point resorting to either money or meaningless dreams. They can't keep me alive, that has been proved many a times now. So, I have to take this tough decision.
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