Monologues...

It seems at times as if I have entirely lost the battle...I talked so much with him that day...I didn't ask him the actual question...that I keep asking him all the time in my mind...is it ok if I give up? I don't know when again we'll talk...if at all...I should have asked...

It is far far better when I remain alone. I just can't socialize these days. It seems so artificial to be a normal human being. One evening of company brings my depravity even more to the forefront. Shows the unnaturalness of my life. What the hell did I expect? That things will be right?

It's good I didn't give away too much of my vulnerability. Every now and then I thought, let's finally tell him, why I cried so much - how I felt, why I think I felt like that. Everything, every turmoil that has happened in my mind in that short span of time. Why? Because it seemed he had put a foot forward? Wasn't I a fool to expect happiness in life? I have chosen this life myself, nobody has imposed anything on me. Then why am I getting so scared of it? Why do I look for a way out? And why the hell do I want so badly to ruin a friend's life? I am not in a position to give anyone anything. Then why do I want him not to choose his own way of life? Why am I being a hypocrite now?

Mascarpone and a good sleep - seem to be the only solution. After coming here, for a while, I had a perfect flat tummy. Now again I am bloating up :( :(

Once upon a time, I couldn't do without kajal and bindi. It's been such a long time without both. Durga Puja means a lot to me. Missing a Durga Puja, not being able to give pushpanjali means even more - for the sole reason that I have never done without it ever in my life. The Mother Goddess gives me the power to go on for another year...may be this time, it is impossible - so I was abandoned like this. This was the period, when we had grown really close. Now, as on today, I am not a religious person at all. Things that he liked in me no more exist.

I want to have my home. Decorate it with flowers. I wish I could go back in time. Roses. Flowers. I pine away. I wither. Please be happy. Don't spare it because of me. You can't help me. Please look after yourself. Be selfish. I again tell myself, I chose this life. So I am not crying. I am just feeling lonely, but I always knew it'd be like this :) As for me, when I have endured a 29th November, I can endure tomorrow with a wave of my hand :) :)