Reveries

Mascarpone cheese seemed simply wow. Haven't had anything ever, that tasted even quarter times as good as this one. But then again, I felt the same so many times, every time I have tasted something new and liked it.

But ya, the leo seemed interesting. In fact I am quite smitten by him. Usually I am not attracted to anyone in the real sexual sense you see. That is one big reason why I don't lose my mind with this single life. But once again I find the leo growing on me. I had thought, this time, I am simply gonna ignore him. Ignoring him, as I find, is not that easy. Moreover when I hurt the leo's ego and the leo openly complains. It is funny and heart warming at the same time.

It was a bit different with the real leo of my life. I never felt any emotion other than worship for him, if worship can be termed as an emotion. Right from the word go, that was what came in my mind. This is him. This selfless, this dedicated, this golden hearted and this bossing a person is what I want. It took a long long time for the real feelings to emerge. That too on typical aquarian provocation - "you are not even attracted to the person and you have decided to remain single all your life for him?" was the candid query of my best friend, and I felt a jolt. The real picture came out :)

Dear leo, this is another dialogue from my most favorite KANK. waqt ka matlab hota hai ab...and this is the thing I lack most. Waqt. Time. I don't have time you see. And I am very very withdrawn in myself. More withdrawn that a snail.

At times I get totally lost in reveries. Specially when I am homeward bound, after a long tiring day. A thousand thoughts come to my mind. I remember my pink skirt, that I had got from Malaysia. Never really wore it except for that one time dinner with my roomies. I'd remember the scorpio, whom I had loved about 20 years back. Dynamism and appeal is what he still spells to me. I am sure he looks equally charming even today, as he walks in the streets of US. I'd remember me as a kid, reading "Buro Angla". I'd remember Subhaga again, as the bright autumn sun would almost burn my eyes. I have this strange feeling of being married to the sun, whenever the sun would shine upon me and I'd feel the caress of sunbeams on my head. As if that itself is my sindoor. This is indeed a very strange feeling which I have never been able to explain to myself. While in work, all of a sudden I'd remember the nursery rhymes I have learnt. I'd love the mails I exchange with my brother. I'd love the conversations with Bee. Who had ever thought when I met this crazy girl for the first time, that she'd get so attached to me. She quite fulfills my long lost dream of having a girl child. And with these small small things, time moves on.

Still at times even all these are not sufficient. After a while I feel choked and terribly restless. I want to talk, have a laugh, feel loved, be normal.

What I have discovered is, whole world is kind of...selfish. No one bothers about anyone else. Over that, my problem is, I am a perfect snob. I was born super intelligent and super perceptive. I inherited my mom's sharpness. She is like - you simply can't cheat her. You can get away with whatever wrong you have done, but never ever get convinced that she doesn't know. She just spared you - as she has a forgiving soul. Anyways, having been molded on mom, I can't stand dumb people (mom used to tell me, if u happen to marry a dumb person, I shall never serve him food). Somehow dumb people amuse me, that's why I have a working relationship with them. Stupid people know they are stupid - and accept it as a way of life. Dumb people don't. The end result becomes so very hilarious. They'd intelligently try to make a point, and they being what they are...I'd be like ROTFL. They will get confused, feel I am appreciating with my laugh...and try even more. But dumb people are mostly not selfish. To be selfish you need to have some intellect you see. So, crux of the matter is, I can easily get the company of dumb people. But I despise that (oh my rigid nose). And real happening people don't have much time for the worthless me. Finally, I am left alone.

What will I do once I have given up this job? I know I am very good, I can do almost any kind of work successfully, but, will I be left in a state to work? I often wonder, how come I can tell him things so easily, that I am not able to express to anyone else? A debate came up that day during the course of a chat - having hint of a suggestion that may be I am trying to ruin his marriage? Huh, very few people know that I stopped talking with a very good friend, once he admitted that he's still in love with me, even after his marriage. But, wait. It's the same me. Yes. But I do not have any qualms about breaking his marriage. He very much belongs to me. May be that's the only reason why I'd spare his marriage. I don't really need him to be near me all the time. He's always there anyways :) All I need is someone who can understand me and keep me happy for this life - ya guessed it right, Naina Katherine Kapoor Patel ke husband jaisa :) :)I simply love KJo. Someday I shall write an entry about him :) Enough for today...