I watched Charulata yesterday. In the state of mind I was in, there was nothing more apt, to be watched.
Intricate, abysmal and poignant. It shows cinema can be music. It tells something else too. When it happens, it just happens. You don't have a way out.
My favorite things these days:
Movies:
----------
Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna - Scenes (I like blue), Songs (Title Track and Tum Hi Dekho Na)
Jab We Met - Aaoge Jab Tum - and the way memories fill up my mind.
Celebrities:
-----------------
Karan Johar and Shahid Kapoor, don't really know why, may be because they have a void like me?
People:
-----------------
My client manager - never thought I'd say this about anyone, but he is the most selfless and golden-hearted person I have ever met, but at the same time he is strictly professional. Love working with him.
The apple faced guy - the most brilliant person I have met in recent days. He inspires me to be good, he shows that if I am perfect in work, that itself is very self motivating - he's got me into this typical techno-functional mind set - I don't think I'd like to go into something totally technical henceforth.
K - ya he's not the perfect person, he is not natural at times, he tries to be too good with me, and that gets me angry, but still he's my best friend now, and the biggest reason why, when I say I am living in chunks, I can think about one more month probably. Love the way I open up to him and be myself, and eat his head :)
What I love about myself:
----------------------------------------
The way I am giving it a fight.
The way I love and protect my mom, and in general my entire family.
The way I have coped up with my solitude.
What I hate about myself:
----------------------------------------
Way I am becoming a miser
Way I am losing faith in people and suspecting everyone
Way I am getting pathetically snobbish, to the extent of hurting people
Way I am always lost in myself
My favorite things in general:
--------------------------------------------
Flowers
Cars
Idle time
Animals-esp Dog, Lion and Tiger
That's it for now. Feeling quite quite sleepy.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Monday, September 26, 2011
Worthless words...
You should learn from me how to live alone...
God, has a great sense of humor. I have to admit that. When you least expect, things happen in your life, that incessant prayers don't bring up.
He, the handsome he, in his impeccable dressing style, came up to me, to ask why I am eating alone...where's my partner? He was not there when I ate alone for the first time. He never noticed when my eyes used to steam up and in the full cafeteria, I had to pretend that I'm cleaning my face, and wipe my tears. And today, when it's almost time to go, and I'm totally habituated to this solitude, he comes and invites me to eat with him. Tell me whether to laugh or cry?
I told him...I am into this habit now. He told, get into good habits then. Don't I want that too? What if I can't reach out? What if I am choked before I can ask? Don't I deserve human company all the same?
The conversation didn't move much. Czech Republic has given me two people to admire, and I am strangely shy of them. In fact, the other day I was wondering, how well I get on with my client manager - and I answered myself, that this is only because I have no romantic involvement with him - never felt anything. It is strange. We have the perfect friendship (that KJo thinks doesn't exist) - we are candid, and perfectly free of formalities and emotions - we don't mind when we criticize each other and when we appreciate, there's no deliberate falsification - the relation is 100% balanced. It's a strange comfort level that exists, all the more the reason why I love working here. But let's not discuss things that are short lived.
I had told the apple faced sweetheart about my planned date of return already, today I told the other one as well. I feel tired and sleepy now. My usual reaction when good times come to end. I am very sure I don't want to go back. Way I was sure I didn't want to come here.
If at all I ever get married, I'd ask for only one thing from my husband. Stability. But just now I said we won't discuss about short lived things. What about improbable ones? :)
You know what? I feel deserted. Why was it supposed to happen to me? Only because I refused to compromise? How can I explain that I can't compromise. I feel my insides are coming out, whenever I have even attempted. I hate myself. I curse myself. One day, during the Pujas, one auto-driver took 5 Rs extra from me. I was a kid then, 14 or 15. He simply didn't return the change. When I asked for it, he said something like - how dare you ask, would it have been good if I'd have left you alone in some dark alley? I couldn't answer him back and silently left. Till date I keep scolding myself why I compromised, why I didn't protest, why I didn't slap that person. I can't - it tortures me.
If I have this kind of feeling for an unknown wrongdoer - imagine what I'd feel if my husband might do something incorrect. I being the old fashioned girl, who has always worshiped the husband in her mind. Nobody would know how torn I used to feel when I had consented for marriage with Anand in 2009. I can't compromise.
So this had to happen to me. It's not much of a change. From one zone of loneliness, I am going on to another one. Who cares if my life moves on or comes to a standstill? Suddenly remembered my new white salwar suit I had got in SG. Who cares if I have stopped worshiping, even believing in God?
God, has a great sense of humor. I have to admit that. When you least expect, things happen in your life, that incessant prayers don't bring up.
He, the handsome he, in his impeccable dressing style, came up to me, to ask why I am eating alone...where's my partner? He was not there when I ate alone for the first time. He never noticed when my eyes used to steam up and in the full cafeteria, I had to pretend that I'm cleaning my face, and wipe my tears. And today, when it's almost time to go, and I'm totally habituated to this solitude, he comes and invites me to eat with him. Tell me whether to laugh or cry?
I told him...I am into this habit now. He told, get into good habits then. Don't I want that too? What if I can't reach out? What if I am choked before I can ask? Don't I deserve human company all the same?
The conversation didn't move much. Czech Republic has given me two people to admire, and I am strangely shy of them. In fact, the other day I was wondering, how well I get on with my client manager - and I answered myself, that this is only because I have no romantic involvement with him - never felt anything. It is strange. We have the perfect friendship (that KJo thinks doesn't exist) - we are candid, and perfectly free of formalities and emotions - we don't mind when we criticize each other and when we appreciate, there's no deliberate falsification - the relation is 100% balanced. It's a strange comfort level that exists, all the more the reason why I love working here. But let's not discuss things that are short lived.
I had told the apple faced sweetheart about my planned date of return already, today I told the other one as well. I feel tired and sleepy now. My usual reaction when good times come to end. I am very sure I don't want to go back. Way I was sure I didn't want to come here.
If at all I ever get married, I'd ask for only one thing from my husband. Stability. But just now I said we won't discuss about short lived things. What about improbable ones? :)
You know what? I feel deserted. Why was it supposed to happen to me? Only because I refused to compromise? How can I explain that I can't compromise. I feel my insides are coming out, whenever I have even attempted. I hate myself. I curse myself. One day, during the Pujas, one auto-driver took 5 Rs extra from me. I was a kid then, 14 or 15. He simply didn't return the change. When I asked for it, he said something like - how dare you ask, would it have been good if I'd have left you alone in some dark alley? I couldn't answer him back and silently left. Till date I keep scolding myself why I compromised, why I didn't protest, why I didn't slap that person. I can't - it tortures me.
If I have this kind of feeling for an unknown wrongdoer - imagine what I'd feel if my husband might do something incorrect. I being the old fashioned girl, who has always worshiped the husband in her mind. Nobody would know how torn I used to feel when I had consented for marriage with Anand in 2009. I can't compromise.
So this had to happen to me. It's not much of a change. From one zone of loneliness, I am going on to another one. Who cares if my life moves on or comes to a standstill? Suddenly remembered my new white salwar suit I had got in SG. Who cares if I have stopped worshiping, even believing in God?
Sunday, September 25, 2011
My beloved time machine...
As I spend my last few days on site, in better living and climatic conditions than I can probably ever get back in India, I ponder, on what to concentrate?
Cooking was an option that came first in my mind. The anti waste campaigner that I am, and the spendthrift that I am gradually turning into, for both of these persona, this seemed to be a good choice.
Traveling was not an option that had much chance. I am lazy. And my traveling is better done when I read. The idea of discovering a country or a place in 2 days, is not my cup of tea. I love Calcutta, and haven't yet explored it fully. I don't like Bangalore, but in six years, haven't known it well. I guess I know Prague and Singapore in a much better way. Even Asansol. Because I found peace in these places. I don't say it's astrology or something, but you get to know in your mind...whether you can adapt to a place. So, though traveling was not planned, didn't want to lose the opportunity to revel for the last few times in the now familiar cobbled roads of Prague.
But the option that has finally emerged victorious, was not on the cards initially. And since, much like my dear friend K (it suddenly occurred to me that both KJo and Karthik have their names starting with K and both said this phrase), I ceremoniously declare that I too am not a saintly person - so it all began with the scandal I read in ABP. About this lady being a bit unnecessarily bold in one of her new movies. I am out of touch with Bengali Cinema. Except for an occasional treat of "Sab Charitro Kalponik" or "Noukadubi" (Rituparno's movies basically) and frankly speaking, since I was at my desperation's edge when I was leaving Bangalore this time - I was compelled to go for "Iti Mrinalini". It's like, when you are dying, you never ask for juice, what you ask for is water. Something more familiar :) I longed for a movie in my mother tongue...that was the primary reason why, in a fevered state of mind, I ran for the movie after office.
So I, the ever exploring person, tried to reason out. Who is she? Have I ever seen her? I remembered seeing her in this Jewelry ad banner, with a kind of lost dreamy look, which you can find quite often on my face. I could relate to her through that picture. Don't laugh - it's the typical - I am a princess but nobody cares for me - kinda look :D :D
Ok, having identified her, next phase in the research was - what made her act so desperate? Cinema is a visual medium, and portrayal of someone else, not self, is all fine. But above all else, I never ever forget that writing on Luna didi's table, "Good girls always go to heaven, bad girls may go anywhere". Not that I haven't been a bad girl. I have had my full share of vices. In fact to that Dr. Manjula, me and she won't be much different...but we are deviating. If we are to argue, we can even argue (Molly told me in one of our last conversations) that for some US election, some lady was contesting - who was actually a pro in this...so, in this era everything is possible.
I thought, it is not fair to give a judgment (though she's being entirely candid and doesn't care for a verdict). I decided to watch her movies. That's how I ended up watching a couple of off beat, but non Rituparno Bengali movies. Two were enough, and I could easily confess to myself, that reading about Lalon Fakir was a much better experience, I don't want to dilute it by watching the movie.
Don't get me wrong. Not that I didn't like the attempts. But my mind is tuned to a better class of cinema. I did say I liked Kalbela. But then, watching new movies - I had the distinct feeling of - effort. If there is effort in a movie, it is most likely not a good work. Movies need to be free flowing, should merge with my thinking, my life. And as for the initial reason - with the second movie I was quite wary to know further about the lady. Let her do whatever she wishes - she might boast of being a world movie fanatic, but her acting doesn't show that much depth. In all probability I think all she went for was a gossip to boost her career.
But in that state of exasperation, I wanted to watch some good movie. I started with Ray's Aranyer Din Ratri. I must have been quite angered, for I could readily see some flaws there. I had a long discussion with dad. Am I qualified enough to find fault with editing and screen play - and in some rare occasions even direction - of Ray's movies? Dad suggested, I should watch more. He didn't entirely rule out my opinions, just said that Ray must have watched more movies than me, before he came into the profession :) I solemnly replied "I have read more".
Jana Aranya was next. As per dad's advice. Before ending the conversation, he said, since you have the opportunity, watch as many good movies as possible. And my mind, even today, is in such a state, that all I want is to find solace in my mother tongue. So Ray was an only option.
Three movies in three successive evenings. Jana Aranya, Mahanagar, Kapurush. I feel I don't have time enough. I need to finish watching all the movies. In the less than two weeks that is remaining. That same restlessness I felt - to finish watching Ganer Opare. "This is something I can't do without".
But at times you have to yield. My colleague and his wife, they never seem to give up on me. Every time they'd go out, they'd ask me. Every time I'd bluntly refuse. There should be a limit to ill behavior. I couldn't let them down for today. Went out to see the Prague castle. One last time. It did come in my mind, once or twice, that I could have probably done 3 movies today. But I didn't bother. Subhaga and me, both seem to love the sun once in a while :)
Came back tired yet happy enough. First thing after checking my mails was - Mausam review. At heart, I am still a die hard romantic. Mausam led to Hum Dono, some old songs, and then - some familiar tunes from Hemanta. I have written here before, I hardly love anything more in life, than a Hemanta Lata duet. I was surprised to see, in my youtube play list, all the songs so far has Hemanta related to it somehow.
Mathe ki bindiya tu hai sanam
Naino ka kajra piya tera gham...
I sank in the tunes and started writing. Yeah, watching movies was a priority, but can't get away from these songs now. What to do? Have I ever been able to tame myself? Direct myself in one particular track?
Once again referring to KJo, he said in SG's show, "Fortunately my release is in films, not in my bedroom" - you know where my release is in? IN MY FREEDOM. So long as I have the ability to do whatever I feel like, I shouldn't have much problem in life.
I am always, the Ulka in Bishkanya. It takes a Senjit to make her submissive :) If he's not there, what to do. The time machine is a wreck. It doesn't move from the past. I hate it. Still I love stepping in, every night, to fall asleep.
It was very sunny today. But cold also. The two things don't really go hand in hand. I am fond of both. The debate was, which was more appropriate. Sunny, or cold? I voted for sunny. The couple disagreed. I chuckled and said, "Nahi kya?" It was definitely not me who spoke. I don't chuckle like that. I don't say "Nahi kya" in that style. Some things tell me, that you flow in my blood.
Today, after about half a year, I happened to put Kajal in my eyes. Perhaps that's not the reason I found myself beautiful, after a long long time. It's because, having shed the burden of having to pursue you once more, I felt your presence once again. We walked together. After a long time.
Cooking was an option that came first in my mind. The anti waste campaigner that I am, and the spendthrift that I am gradually turning into, for both of these persona, this seemed to be a good choice.
Traveling was not an option that had much chance. I am lazy. And my traveling is better done when I read. The idea of discovering a country or a place in 2 days, is not my cup of tea. I love Calcutta, and haven't yet explored it fully. I don't like Bangalore, but in six years, haven't known it well. I guess I know Prague and Singapore in a much better way. Even Asansol. Because I found peace in these places. I don't say it's astrology or something, but you get to know in your mind...whether you can adapt to a place. So, though traveling was not planned, didn't want to lose the opportunity to revel for the last few times in the now familiar cobbled roads of Prague.
But the option that has finally emerged victorious, was not on the cards initially. And since, much like my dear friend K (it suddenly occurred to me that both KJo and Karthik have their names starting with K and both said this phrase), I ceremoniously declare that I too am not a saintly person - so it all began with the scandal I read in ABP. About this lady being a bit unnecessarily bold in one of her new movies. I am out of touch with Bengali Cinema. Except for an occasional treat of "Sab Charitro Kalponik" or "Noukadubi" (Rituparno's movies basically) and frankly speaking, since I was at my desperation's edge when I was leaving Bangalore this time - I was compelled to go for "Iti Mrinalini". It's like, when you are dying, you never ask for juice, what you ask for is water. Something more familiar :) I longed for a movie in my mother tongue...that was the primary reason why, in a fevered state of mind, I ran for the movie after office.
So I, the ever exploring person, tried to reason out. Who is she? Have I ever seen her? I remembered seeing her in this Jewelry ad banner, with a kind of lost dreamy look, which you can find quite often on my face. I could relate to her through that picture. Don't laugh - it's the typical - I am a princess but nobody cares for me - kinda look :D :D
Ok, having identified her, next phase in the research was - what made her act so desperate? Cinema is a visual medium, and portrayal of someone else, not self, is all fine. But above all else, I never ever forget that writing on Luna didi's table, "Good girls always go to heaven, bad girls may go anywhere". Not that I haven't been a bad girl. I have had my full share of vices. In fact to that Dr. Manjula, me and she won't be much different...but we are deviating. If we are to argue, we can even argue (Molly told me in one of our last conversations) that for some US election, some lady was contesting - who was actually a pro in this...so, in this era everything is possible.
I thought, it is not fair to give a judgment (though she's being entirely candid and doesn't care for a verdict). I decided to watch her movies. That's how I ended up watching a couple of off beat, but non Rituparno Bengali movies. Two were enough, and I could easily confess to myself, that reading about Lalon Fakir was a much better experience, I don't want to dilute it by watching the movie.
Don't get me wrong. Not that I didn't like the attempts. But my mind is tuned to a better class of cinema. I did say I liked Kalbela. But then, watching new movies - I had the distinct feeling of - effort. If there is effort in a movie, it is most likely not a good work. Movies need to be free flowing, should merge with my thinking, my life. And as for the initial reason - with the second movie I was quite wary to know further about the lady. Let her do whatever she wishes - she might boast of being a world movie fanatic, but her acting doesn't show that much depth. In all probability I think all she went for was a gossip to boost her career.
But in that state of exasperation, I wanted to watch some good movie. I started with Ray's Aranyer Din Ratri. I must have been quite angered, for I could readily see some flaws there. I had a long discussion with dad. Am I qualified enough to find fault with editing and screen play - and in some rare occasions even direction - of Ray's movies? Dad suggested, I should watch more. He didn't entirely rule out my opinions, just said that Ray must have watched more movies than me, before he came into the profession :) I solemnly replied "I have read more".
Jana Aranya was next. As per dad's advice. Before ending the conversation, he said, since you have the opportunity, watch as many good movies as possible. And my mind, even today, is in such a state, that all I want is to find solace in my mother tongue. So Ray was an only option.
Three movies in three successive evenings. Jana Aranya, Mahanagar, Kapurush. I feel I don't have time enough. I need to finish watching all the movies. In the less than two weeks that is remaining. That same restlessness I felt - to finish watching Ganer Opare. "This is something I can't do without".
But at times you have to yield. My colleague and his wife, they never seem to give up on me. Every time they'd go out, they'd ask me. Every time I'd bluntly refuse. There should be a limit to ill behavior. I couldn't let them down for today. Went out to see the Prague castle. One last time. It did come in my mind, once or twice, that I could have probably done 3 movies today. But I didn't bother. Subhaga and me, both seem to love the sun once in a while :)
Came back tired yet happy enough. First thing after checking my mails was - Mausam review. At heart, I am still a die hard romantic. Mausam led to Hum Dono, some old songs, and then - some familiar tunes from Hemanta. I have written here before, I hardly love anything more in life, than a Hemanta Lata duet. I was surprised to see, in my youtube play list, all the songs so far has Hemanta related to it somehow.
Mathe ki bindiya tu hai sanam
Naino ka kajra piya tera gham...
I sank in the tunes and started writing. Yeah, watching movies was a priority, but can't get away from these songs now. What to do? Have I ever been able to tame myself? Direct myself in one particular track?
Once again referring to KJo, he said in SG's show, "Fortunately my release is in films, not in my bedroom" - you know where my release is in? IN MY FREEDOM. So long as I have the ability to do whatever I feel like, I shouldn't have much problem in life.
I am always, the Ulka in Bishkanya. It takes a Senjit to make her submissive :) If he's not there, what to do. The time machine is a wreck. It doesn't move from the past. I hate it. Still I love stepping in, every night, to fall asleep.
It was very sunny today. But cold also. The two things don't really go hand in hand. I am fond of both. The debate was, which was more appropriate. Sunny, or cold? I voted for sunny. The couple disagreed. I chuckled and said, "Nahi kya?" It was definitely not me who spoke. I don't chuckle like that. I don't say "Nahi kya" in that style. Some things tell me, that you flow in my blood.
Today, after about half a year, I happened to put Kajal in my eyes. Perhaps that's not the reason I found myself beautiful, after a long long time. It's because, having shed the burden of having to pursue you once more, I felt your presence once again. We walked together. After a long time.
Friday, September 23, 2011
Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna
It's imperative that I take a decision. So here are the decisions I have taken:
1. No, I am not going to get married.
2. No, I am not going back to his workplace. I want him to live in peace.
3. Yes, I am going to get a good home for myself, but only after ensuring the stability of my job.
4. Yes, I shall continue to be the unsocial being that I am.
5. Yes, I am going to live in chunks. Maximum I'd think about is the next one month.
6. Yes, I really want to learn driving and own a car.
1. No, I am not going to get married.
2. No, I am not going back to his workplace. I want him to live in peace.
3. Yes, I am going to get a good home for myself, but only after ensuring the stability of my job.
4. Yes, I shall continue to be the unsocial being that I am.
5. Yes, I am going to live in chunks. Maximum I'd think about is the next one month.
6. Yes, I really want to learn driving and own a car.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Mora piya mohse...bolat naahi...
Another new bend in life.
Sukhe achhe jara...sukhe thak tara...
Sukh, is something which I can't have. I don't even expect. It's indeed been a loaned life for a year. A life I was not supposed to have. Over that...Prague. Europe itself. See, I am not saying I don't deserve it. What is it now for Indians to travel abroad. No big deal. I am just saying, I don't have that luck. So even if things come to me, they don't stay back. It happens this way, and I don't feel bad about it anymore.
Just that, going back seems scary. A lot of difficult decisions need to be taken. Decisions which are synonymous to suicide. If I take - I die. If I don't take - I live the much hated zombie life once again...
Today, a strange thing happened. During our never ending conversation, Bee told me, that she has heard from some people that I am selfish. Incorrigibly selfish. What surprised me was - I didn't at all feel bad hearing this. I replied back, rather edgily, that I consider it among my qualities - my two best qualities are - 1. I am selfish and 2. I am a snob.
I am not a good girl. I know that. Just that, people who say I am not good enough - if you look into their life, you'd discover that they are even worse than me.
Preparing to go back would mean, cutting off my bonding with this blog. And anyways I have nothing more to tell. Life is as dull as - was it dish water or ditch water? :D :D
I like to run away from life. I am always awed by intelligent people. That is my only turn on. Intelligence. Brilliance. Wit. Wasn't it what Rowena Ravenclaw said? Wit beyond measure is man's greatest treasure? Today...as I was coming to office, in my mind, as Mann Mohanaa played in my ipod...I was begging to you...talk to me...
But you and your ego...defies the rules only once in a blue moon, right? He reminds me of your kiddo. First time I saw him, I used this phrase - apple cheeked. You two looked like mirror image only. He too has apple cheeks you know. His face only is like an apple. Round and fair. Since he has such a huge body, I could very well guess it's him, and you know what I did? I took the other escalator. And was walking towards the exit as slowly as possible, but still we were scheduled to meet and he greeted me :( I stuck up a conversation with an unknown Indian girl, but still we met again in the lift. And I was very very uncomfortable. I don't know how to face life. Forget this. This is just fun. Still I was running away from it. So much so that I darted out to him that I am done with my work and I am going back - when he asked about what I am doing these days. Running away from life has become my favorite sport it seems.
It comes back to me in flashes. Our rides in the MRT. It was called MRT only na? Some Mass Rapid Transit I believe. You know, I saw a house number 125 here. I tried my best to remember my house number - but failed. But I can still recite the stations from my place to your place. Tampines, Tana Merah, Bedok, Al Juneid. No I guess I forgot a few stations.
You know what? I want to shout to the world, one last word...DO NOT HOLD BACK. I ruined my life with my silence. Let me tell you sir, silence is never ever well timed. I don't know how much you remember that evening. But it's etched in my mind. Each small deliberate movement of yours. You had asked me if I'd eat something. I had nodded no. I waited to see if you'd come and sit near me. I could remember those numerous days, when we had lunch together. Together as if, we really belonged to each other. You kept waiting that day - perhaps in hope that some miracle might happen. I too did the same thing. And none of us spoke. Today, you have things to sustain a normal life. I don't. Tell me, whom do I blame, except myself?
That day too...I begged silently, and today as well...Could you never guess? Am I to believe that? Then tell me one good reason why I am facing this.
Tomorrow my life might change. If I go back early my life might change. Most of all, since no one's life can be a never ending misery, my life too is bound to change. But you know why I run away from these changes? I DON'T WANT THEM. NO. PERIOD.
I love the song. And I hate my time machine. IMG_2388 and this song is a deadly combination. I get quite quite drunk. I love this depression. I loved KJo when he said exactly this thing. For people like us, who feel love will always have its triumph, come what may - people like you are worse than dementors. Suck away the last bit of happiness.
I said to myself that day - that I'd survive another 10 years. This much is enough for me. No I can't - I am failing miserably. I don't know how I lived through these many years, since 18th March 2008. You know me. I am not a girl who rebels. Only time I tried to rebel was when I repeatedly called you on that day. Ever seen crushed faith? Its like a flower you deliberately step on. To think that I still worship you.
I want to rebel today. I have had enough of this life. This suffering. I won't do it anymore.
Sukhe achhe jara...sukhe thak tara...
Sukh, is something which I can't have. I don't even expect. It's indeed been a loaned life for a year. A life I was not supposed to have. Over that...Prague. Europe itself. See, I am not saying I don't deserve it. What is it now for Indians to travel abroad. No big deal. I am just saying, I don't have that luck. So even if things come to me, they don't stay back. It happens this way, and I don't feel bad about it anymore.
Just that, going back seems scary. A lot of difficult decisions need to be taken. Decisions which are synonymous to suicide. If I take - I die. If I don't take - I live the much hated zombie life once again...
Today, a strange thing happened. During our never ending conversation, Bee told me, that she has heard from some people that I am selfish. Incorrigibly selfish. What surprised me was - I didn't at all feel bad hearing this. I replied back, rather edgily, that I consider it among my qualities - my two best qualities are - 1. I am selfish and 2. I am a snob.
I am not a good girl. I know that. Just that, people who say I am not good enough - if you look into their life, you'd discover that they are even worse than me.
Preparing to go back would mean, cutting off my bonding with this blog. And anyways I have nothing more to tell. Life is as dull as - was it dish water or ditch water? :D :D
I like to run away from life. I am always awed by intelligent people. That is my only turn on. Intelligence. Brilliance. Wit. Wasn't it what Rowena Ravenclaw said? Wit beyond measure is man's greatest treasure? Today...as I was coming to office, in my mind, as Mann Mohanaa played in my ipod...I was begging to you...talk to me...
But you and your ego...defies the rules only once in a blue moon, right? He reminds me of your kiddo. First time I saw him, I used this phrase - apple cheeked. You two looked like mirror image only. He too has apple cheeks you know. His face only is like an apple. Round and fair. Since he has such a huge body, I could very well guess it's him, and you know what I did? I took the other escalator. And was walking towards the exit as slowly as possible, but still we were scheduled to meet and he greeted me :( I stuck up a conversation with an unknown Indian girl, but still we met again in the lift. And I was very very uncomfortable. I don't know how to face life. Forget this. This is just fun. Still I was running away from it. So much so that I darted out to him that I am done with my work and I am going back - when he asked about what I am doing these days. Running away from life has become my favorite sport it seems.
It comes back to me in flashes. Our rides in the MRT. It was called MRT only na? Some Mass Rapid Transit I believe. You know, I saw a house number 125 here. I tried my best to remember my house number - but failed. But I can still recite the stations from my place to your place. Tampines, Tana Merah, Bedok, Al Juneid. No I guess I forgot a few stations.
You know what? I want to shout to the world, one last word...DO NOT HOLD BACK. I ruined my life with my silence. Let me tell you sir, silence is never ever well timed. I don't know how much you remember that evening. But it's etched in my mind. Each small deliberate movement of yours. You had asked me if I'd eat something. I had nodded no. I waited to see if you'd come and sit near me. I could remember those numerous days, when we had lunch together. Together as if, we really belonged to each other. You kept waiting that day - perhaps in hope that some miracle might happen. I too did the same thing. And none of us spoke. Today, you have things to sustain a normal life. I don't. Tell me, whom do I blame, except myself?
That day too...I begged silently, and today as well...Could you never guess? Am I to believe that? Then tell me one good reason why I am facing this.
Tomorrow my life might change. If I go back early my life might change. Most of all, since no one's life can be a never ending misery, my life too is bound to change. But you know why I run away from these changes? I DON'T WANT THEM. NO. PERIOD.
I love the song. And I hate my time machine. IMG_2388 and this song is a deadly combination. I get quite quite drunk. I love this depression. I loved KJo when he said exactly this thing. For people like us, who feel love will always have its triumph, come what may - people like you are worse than dementors. Suck away the last bit of happiness.
I said to myself that day - that I'd survive another 10 years. This much is enough for me. No I can't - I am failing miserably. I don't know how I lived through these many years, since 18th March 2008. You know me. I am not a girl who rebels. Only time I tried to rebel was when I repeatedly called you on that day. Ever seen crushed faith? Its like a flower you deliberately step on. To think that I still worship you.
I want to rebel today. I have had enough of this life. This suffering. I won't do it anymore.
Monday, September 19, 2011
Book Fair...and the lovely Kolkata winter....
In the entire lazy weekend, at least some good things I did. The dresses were all dumped inside the cupboard, folded them all. Charged my ipod - been such a long time even used it - as it is...it got discharged. Initially, when this used to happen, I used to get scared. Will it charge up again? Will it work? I used to wonder. Because if something happens to my ipod, it'd mean the end of my last link to him. This is the blue he liked...it bears his touch...it is as precious as my memories. Only...I can't touch my memories, I can hold my ipod. So charged my ipod as well. And cleaned some long hidden virus in it. One benefit of having an office laptop and an updated McAfee with a valid license...
And I cooked prawns. Way I wanted to. Very spicy fried prawns. Had it with rice. Cleaned all the utensils. Washed all the dirty clothes. Didn't go out even for once. Read every nook and corner of TOI. Read ABP. Watched KJo on SG's new show. And I loved loved loved the way he said, he doesn't listen to western music - he is a hindi film and song person...
So am I...Even these days I am a bit distant from Bollywood also...I am celebrating my being a Bengali. Yesterday I started watching Crazy Stupid Love...trust me, after 5 min I couldn't continue anymore. I was half scared only...to try another movie. First - the movie sites are not very safe, you tend to get some or the other virus, and then, though I do admit I have watched few wonderful English movies, in general I can't relate to them.
Finally when today afternoon I had nothing better to do, somehow I came across Kalbela in youtube and started watching it. I remembered my college days, when I had read Uttaridhikar first, and then Kalbela. I haven't yet got an opportunity to read Kalpurush. Kalpurush I remember watching on television, as a kid...I am quite sure Koushik Sen did Arko's role...he was very young then (he looks quite the same even today) - and I remember how dynamic his character was. I particularly remember that feast series he had arranged, seemed such a good idea to me :) Well, though in my opinion, Samaresh Majumdar is not that great an author, but still few of his works are good. Only he could have been more hardworking in his research, and you see...an author needs to be a lot more perceptive also. I can't explain, Bani Basu's Gandhorbi has left such an everlasting impact on me, I don't see that perception in male authors. I love reading Sunil for his sheer style of storytelling and his extensive research. But who can sway the innermost core of your heart like Bani Basu or Suchitra Bhattacharya does.
But this is not about novels. This is about the movie Kalbela. Well, to begin with, I had this queer feeling that I have lost a lot in the last 6 years. May be not so much in personal life and career, as in being detached from my culture. I could never be a part of the silent cultural revolution that has happened in Bengal after 2005. People who were mere kids have become potential actors. For example Parambrata. Before watching this movie, I never even considered him to be a full fledged actor. He still has that childish confused style of acting - but way he has handled the transformation that this role demanded, way he has portrayed the old world charm that 70s backdrop demanded - is simply amazing. I have missed so many good Bengali movies that has been made in this time. Perhaps haven't even heard about some of them. Never read about new books that were published. New talents that emerged. These are things I can identify with. Can live for. And Bangalore has taken away these very things from me. No I don't want to live in Bangalore. Kolkata is calling me with arms outstretched. I know my poor city doesn't have so much of prospects. I know I'll probably end up becoming a mental patient if I go there. But still I want to go back. Won't I live for some days, in a way I want to live? Be the very Bengali girl in a very western outfit, sleeveless top and jeans, sunglasses and yet kajal and bindi, humming some familiar Rabindrasangeet. I can be myself. Be with mom and dad, who are proud of me for the girl that I am, not for the job that I do or the money that I earn. They are proud of their daughter who doesn't know how to give up. Oh I am thrilled to know what a ball of a time we'd have this Christmas. We shall get cake from Flury's once again. I'd go out with dad in the wintry days, snuggled in my old sweaters which I haven't worn for years. Calcutta winter is the most wonderfully romantic season that can be. Trust me, I was born in one. And then, book fair with dad. That'd be the ultimate thing. Just how many book fairs have I missed. This is not the life I intended to live. The life that I have lived for the last six years. And now is time to change things.
I hope I keep this in mind while taking the tough decision. It is always difficult to give up. But I am not really giving up. For the first time, I am trying not to give up.
There's no other way out. Frankly speaking, I have weighed my options. There's no point resorting to either money or meaningless dreams. They can't keep me alive, that has been proved many a times now. So, I have to take this tough decision.
And I cooked prawns. Way I wanted to. Very spicy fried prawns. Had it with rice. Cleaned all the utensils. Washed all the dirty clothes. Didn't go out even for once. Read every nook and corner of TOI. Read ABP. Watched KJo on SG's new show. And I loved loved loved the way he said, he doesn't listen to western music - he is a hindi film and song person...
So am I...Even these days I am a bit distant from Bollywood also...I am celebrating my being a Bengali. Yesterday I started watching Crazy Stupid Love...trust me, after 5 min I couldn't continue anymore. I was half scared only...to try another movie. First - the movie sites are not very safe, you tend to get some or the other virus, and then, though I do admit I have watched few wonderful English movies, in general I can't relate to them.
Finally when today afternoon I had nothing better to do, somehow I came across Kalbela in youtube and started watching it. I remembered my college days, when I had read Uttaridhikar first, and then Kalbela. I haven't yet got an opportunity to read Kalpurush. Kalpurush I remember watching on television, as a kid...I am quite sure Koushik Sen did Arko's role...he was very young then (he looks quite the same even today) - and I remember how dynamic his character was. I particularly remember that feast series he had arranged, seemed such a good idea to me :) Well, though in my opinion, Samaresh Majumdar is not that great an author, but still few of his works are good. Only he could have been more hardworking in his research, and you see...an author needs to be a lot more perceptive also. I can't explain, Bani Basu's Gandhorbi has left such an everlasting impact on me, I don't see that perception in male authors. I love reading Sunil for his sheer style of storytelling and his extensive research. But who can sway the innermost core of your heart like Bani Basu or Suchitra Bhattacharya does.
But this is not about novels. This is about the movie Kalbela. Well, to begin with, I had this queer feeling that I have lost a lot in the last 6 years. May be not so much in personal life and career, as in being detached from my culture. I could never be a part of the silent cultural revolution that has happened in Bengal after 2005. People who were mere kids have become potential actors. For example Parambrata. Before watching this movie, I never even considered him to be a full fledged actor. He still has that childish confused style of acting - but way he has handled the transformation that this role demanded, way he has portrayed the old world charm that 70s backdrop demanded - is simply amazing. I have missed so many good Bengali movies that has been made in this time. Perhaps haven't even heard about some of them. Never read about new books that were published. New talents that emerged. These are things I can identify with. Can live for. And Bangalore has taken away these very things from me. No I don't want to live in Bangalore. Kolkata is calling me with arms outstretched. I know my poor city doesn't have so much of prospects. I know I'll probably end up becoming a mental patient if I go there. But still I want to go back. Won't I live for some days, in a way I want to live? Be the very Bengali girl in a very western outfit, sleeveless top and jeans, sunglasses and yet kajal and bindi, humming some familiar Rabindrasangeet. I can be myself. Be with mom and dad, who are proud of me for the girl that I am, not for the job that I do or the money that I earn. They are proud of their daughter who doesn't know how to give up. Oh I am thrilled to know what a ball of a time we'd have this Christmas. We shall get cake from Flury's once again. I'd go out with dad in the wintry days, snuggled in my old sweaters which I haven't worn for years. Calcutta winter is the most wonderfully romantic season that can be. Trust me, I was born in one. And then, book fair with dad. That'd be the ultimate thing. Just how many book fairs have I missed. This is not the life I intended to live. The life that I have lived for the last six years. And now is time to change things.
I hope I keep this in mind while taking the tough decision. It is always difficult to give up. But I am not really giving up. For the first time, I am trying not to give up.
There's no other way out. Frankly speaking, I have weighed my options. There's no point resorting to either money or meaningless dreams. They can't keep me alive, that has been proved many a times now. So, I have to take this tough decision.
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Monologues...
It seems at times as if I have entirely lost the battle...I talked so much with him that day...I didn't ask him the actual question...that I keep asking him all the time in my mind...is it ok if I give up? I don't know when again we'll talk...if at all...I should have asked...
It is far far better when I remain alone. I just can't socialize these days. It seems so artificial to be a normal human being. One evening of company brings my depravity even more to the forefront. Shows the unnaturalness of my life. What the hell did I expect? That things will be right?
It's good I didn't give away too much of my vulnerability. Every now and then I thought, let's finally tell him, why I cried so much - how I felt, why I think I felt like that. Everything, every turmoil that has happened in my mind in that short span of time. Why? Because it seemed he had put a foot forward? Wasn't I a fool to expect happiness in life? I have chosen this life myself, nobody has imposed anything on me. Then why am I getting so scared of it? Why do I look for a way out? And why the hell do I want so badly to ruin a friend's life? I am not in a position to give anyone anything. Then why do I want him not to choose his own way of life? Why am I being a hypocrite now?
Mascarpone and a good sleep - seem to be the only solution. After coming here, for a while, I had a perfect flat tummy. Now again I am bloating up :( :(
Once upon a time, I couldn't do without kajal and bindi. It's been such a long time without both. Durga Puja means a lot to me. Missing a Durga Puja, not being able to give pushpanjali means even more - for the sole reason that I have never done without it ever in my life. The Mother Goddess gives me the power to go on for another year...may be this time, it is impossible - so I was abandoned like this. This was the period, when we had grown really close. Now, as on today, I am not a religious person at all. Things that he liked in me no more exist.
I want to have my home. Decorate it with flowers. I wish I could go back in time. Roses. Flowers. I pine away. I wither. Please be happy. Don't spare it because of me. You can't help me. Please look after yourself. Be selfish. I again tell myself, I chose this life. So I am not crying. I am just feeling lonely, but I always knew it'd be like this :) As for me, when I have endured a 29th November, I can endure tomorrow with a wave of my hand :) :)
It is far far better when I remain alone. I just can't socialize these days. It seems so artificial to be a normal human being. One evening of company brings my depravity even more to the forefront. Shows the unnaturalness of my life. What the hell did I expect? That things will be right?
It's good I didn't give away too much of my vulnerability. Every now and then I thought, let's finally tell him, why I cried so much - how I felt, why I think I felt like that. Everything, every turmoil that has happened in my mind in that short span of time. Why? Because it seemed he had put a foot forward? Wasn't I a fool to expect happiness in life? I have chosen this life myself, nobody has imposed anything on me. Then why am I getting so scared of it? Why do I look for a way out? And why the hell do I want so badly to ruin a friend's life? I am not in a position to give anyone anything. Then why do I want him not to choose his own way of life? Why am I being a hypocrite now?
Mascarpone and a good sleep - seem to be the only solution. After coming here, for a while, I had a perfect flat tummy. Now again I am bloating up :( :(
Once upon a time, I couldn't do without kajal and bindi. It's been such a long time without both. Durga Puja means a lot to me. Missing a Durga Puja, not being able to give pushpanjali means even more - for the sole reason that I have never done without it ever in my life. The Mother Goddess gives me the power to go on for another year...may be this time, it is impossible - so I was abandoned like this. This was the period, when we had grown really close. Now, as on today, I am not a religious person at all. Things that he liked in me no more exist.
I want to have my home. Decorate it with flowers. I wish I could go back in time. Roses. Flowers. I pine away. I wither. Please be happy. Don't spare it because of me. You can't help me. Please look after yourself. Be selfish. I again tell myself, I chose this life. So I am not crying. I am just feeling lonely, but I always knew it'd be like this :) As for me, when I have endured a 29th November, I can endure tomorrow with a wave of my hand :) :)
Friday, September 16, 2011
Reveries
Mascarpone cheese seemed simply wow. Haven't had anything ever, that tasted even quarter times as good as this one. But then again, I felt the same so many times, every time I have tasted something new and liked it.
But ya, the leo seemed interesting. In fact I am quite smitten by him. Usually I am not attracted to anyone in the real sexual sense you see. That is one big reason why I don't lose my mind with this single life. But once again I find the leo growing on me. I had thought, this time, I am simply gonna ignore him. Ignoring him, as I find, is not that easy. Moreover when I hurt the leo's ego and the leo openly complains. It is funny and heart warming at the same time.
It was a bit different with the real leo of my life. I never felt any emotion other than worship for him, if worship can be termed as an emotion. Right from the word go, that was what came in my mind. This is him. This selfless, this dedicated, this golden hearted and this bossing a person is what I want. It took a long long time for the real feelings to emerge. That too on typical aquarian provocation - "you are not even attracted to the person and you have decided to remain single all your life for him?" was the candid query of my best friend, and I felt a jolt. The real picture came out :)
Dear leo, this is another dialogue from my most favorite KANK. waqt ka matlab hota hai ab...and this is the thing I lack most. Waqt. Time. I don't have time you see. And I am very very withdrawn in myself. More withdrawn that a snail.
At times I get totally lost in reveries. Specially when I am homeward bound, after a long tiring day. A thousand thoughts come to my mind. I remember my pink skirt, that I had got from Malaysia. Never really wore it except for that one time dinner with my roomies. I'd remember the scorpio, whom I had loved about 20 years back. Dynamism and appeal is what he still spells to me. I am sure he looks equally charming even today, as he walks in the streets of US. I'd remember me as a kid, reading "Buro Angla". I'd remember Subhaga again, as the bright autumn sun would almost burn my eyes. I have this strange feeling of being married to the sun, whenever the sun would shine upon me and I'd feel the caress of sunbeams on my head. As if that itself is my sindoor. This is indeed a very strange feeling which I have never been able to explain to myself. While in work, all of a sudden I'd remember the nursery rhymes I have learnt. I'd love the mails I exchange with my brother. I'd love the conversations with Bee. Who had ever thought when I met this crazy girl for the first time, that she'd get so attached to me. She quite fulfills my long lost dream of having a girl child. And with these small small things, time moves on.
Still at times even all these are not sufficient. After a while I feel choked and terribly restless. I want to talk, have a laugh, feel loved, be normal.
What I have discovered is, whole world is kind of...selfish. No one bothers about anyone else. Over that, my problem is, I am a perfect snob. I was born super intelligent and super perceptive. I inherited my mom's sharpness. She is like - you simply can't cheat her. You can get away with whatever wrong you have done, but never ever get convinced that she doesn't know. She just spared you - as she has a forgiving soul. Anyways, having been molded on mom, I can't stand dumb people (mom used to tell me, if u happen to marry a dumb person, I shall never serve him food). Somehow dumb people amuse me, that's why I have a working relationship with them. Stupid people know they are stupid - and accept it as a way of life. Dumb people don't. The end result becomes so very hilarious. They'd intelligently try to make a point, and they being what they are...I'd be like ROTFL. They will get confused, feel I am appreciating with my laugh...and try even more. But dumb people are mostly not selfish. To be selfish you need to have some intellect you see. So, crux of the matter is, I can easily get the company of dumb people. But I despise that (oh my rigid nose). And real happening people don't have much time for the worthless me. Finally, I am left alone.
What will I do once I have given up this job? I know I am very good, I can do almost any kind of work successfully, but, will I be left in a state to work? I often wonder, how come I can tell him things so easily, that I am not able to express to anyone else? A debate came up that day during the course of a chat - having hint of a suggestion that may be I am trying to ruin his marriage? Huh, very few people know that I stopped talking with a very good friend, once he admitted that he's still in love with me, even after his marriage. But, wait. It's the same me. Yes. But I do not have any qualms about breaking his marriage. He very much belongs to me. May be that's the only reason why I'd spare his marriage. I don't really need him to be near me all the time. He's always there anyways :) All I need is someone who can understand me and keep me happy for this life - ya guessed it right, Naina Katherine Kapoor Patel ke husband jaisa :) :)I simply love KJo. Someday I shall write an entry about him :) Enough for today...
But ya, the leo seemed interesting. In fact I am quite smitten by him. Usually I am not attracted to anyone in the real sexual sense you see. That is one big reason why I don't lose my mind with this single life. But once again I find the leo growing on me. I had thought, this time, I am simply gonna ignore him. Ignoring him, as I find, is not that easy. Moreover when I hurt the leo's ego and the leo openly complains. It is funny and heart warming at the same time.
It was a bit different with the real leo of my life. I never felt any emotion other than worship for him, if worship can be termed as an emotion. Right from the word go, that was what came in my mind. This is him. This selfless, this dedicated, this golden hearted and this bossing a person is what I want. It took a long long time for the real feelings to emerge. That too on typical aquarian provocation - "you are not even attracted to the person and you have decided to remain single all your life for him?" was the candid query of my best friend, and I felt a jolt. The real picture came out :)
Dear leo, this is another dialogue from my most favorite KANK. waqt ka matlab hota hai ab...and this is the thing I lack most. Waqt. Time. I don't have time you see. And I am very very withdrawn in myself. More withdrawn that a snail.
At times I get totally lost in reveries. Specially when I am homeward bound, after a long tiring day. A thousand thoughts come to my mind. I remember my pink skirt, that I had got from Malaysia. Never really wore it except for that one time dinner with my roomies. I'd remember the scorpio, whom I had loved about 20 years back. Dynamism and appeal is what he still spells to me. I am sure he looks equally charming even today, as he walks in the streets of US. I'd remember me as a kid, reading "Buro Angla". I'd remember Subhaga again, as the bright autumn sun would almost burn my eyes. I have this strange feeling of being married to the sun, whenever the sun would shine upon me and I'd feel the caress of sunbeams on my head. As if that itself is my sindoor. This is indeed a very strange feeling which I have never been able to explain to myself. While in work, all of a sudden I'd remember the nursery rhymes I have learnt. I'd love the mails I exchange with my brother. I'd love the conversations with Bee. Who had ever thought when I met this crazy girl for the first time, that she'd get so attached to me. She quite fulfills my long lost dream of having a girl child. And with these small small things, time moves on.
Still at times even all these are not sufficient. After a while I feel choked and terribly restless. I want to talk, have a laugh, feel loved, be normal.
What I have discovered is, whole world is kind of...selfish. No one bothers about anyone else. Over that, my problem is, I am a perfect snob. I was born super intelligent and super perceptive. I inherited my mom's sharpness. She is like - you simply can't cheat her. You can get away with whatever wrong you have done, but never ever get convinced that she doesn't know. She just spared you - as she has a forgiving soul. Anyways, having been molded on mom, I can't stand dumb people (mom used to tell me, if u happen to marry a dumb person, I shall never serve him food). Somehow dumb people amuse me, that's why I have a working relationship with them. Stupid people know they are stupid - and accept it as a way of life. Dumb people don't. The end result becomes so very hilarious. They'd intelligently try to make a point, and they being what they are...I'd be like ROTFL. They will get confused, feel I am appreciating with my laugh...and try even more. But dumb people are mostly not selfish. To be selfish you need to have some intellect you see. So, crux of the matter is, I can easily get the company of dumb people. But I despise that (oh my rigid nose). And real happening people don't have much time for the worthless me. Finally, I am left alone.
What will I do once I have given up this job? I know I am very good, I can do almost any kind of work successfully, but, will I be left in a state to work? I often wonder, how come I can tell him things so easily, that I am not able to express to anyone else? A debate came up that day during the course of a chat - having hint of a suggestion that may be I am trying to ruin his marriage? Huh, very few people know that I stopped talking with a very good friend, once he admitted that he's still in love with me, even after his marriage. But, wait. It's the same me. Yes. But I do not have any qualms about breaking his marriage. He very much belongs to me. May be that's the only reason why I'd spare his marriage. I don't really need him to be near me all the time. He's always there anyways :) All I need is someone who can understand me and keep me happy for this life - ya guessed it right, Naina Katherine Kapoor Patel ke husband jaisa :) :)I simply love KJo. Someday I shall write an entry about him :) Enough for today...
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Reflections...
Well, however grave the last two days must have been, I am fine now. Early in the morning, as I woke up, I distinctly felt that my blog is beckoning me :) But first I had to take a bath, have breakfast and check my mails. Mails too seemed pretty positive. Opened youtube and tuned in to "Tu jo nahi hai to" once again - and started writing.
Well you might know, that I love reading :) I read everything...mostly fictions though, but even wikipedia and TOI and yahoo in details. So somehow or the other, yesterday I ended up reading about Parveen Babi. And for me, reading means research.
Ok, let me first write about what happened on Friday. When I wrote here I am adventure prone, I had no idea which is the next one in the row. I have this really silly habit of keeping the cell beside me, and not in my pocket. Friday evening, I came back after a long tiring day (in fact week) of work, ate a humble dinner, called mom, and was mostly lazing about and surfing the net. Around 10 in the night, I went to the bathroom. I was inside the bathroom, when the door handle broke and I got locked inside. It took me some time to realize the situation. I used my engineering knowledge and discovered that the screw is absolutely stuck in, no way that without a screwdriver I can open it. Being Friday, no one would have noticed that I am locked in, till Monday, and I also didn't have my phone to call from inside the bathroom. I broke down, just for a fraction of a second. "This can't be happening to me, no God, you can't do this to me...". But it took me a very little while to recover from the panic stricken stage. Shows how well used I am nowadays with crisis situations. First I started banging on the bathroom door, with my hands and shouted for help. Then I found a floor moper. To give my hands a bit of rest - I started using it to make noise. I had to desperately continue this feat for almost an hour, till I was heard. A neighbor lady called some locksmith, and he came and broke the lock. Even as the locksmith was mending the door lock, some bathroom fitting broke off. But crux of the matter, I was rescued in a time span of around 3 hours.
Yesterday, I was a bit dazed. Didn't get enough sleep. Over that had to go out and get money from ATM for paying the locksmith and had to wait for him to come over and finish the work. Till then, with the big holes in the main door, I was not at peace. Once he left, I went back to youtube, and started watching Arth, as part of my research on Parveen Babi. I don't know why this lady appealed to me to this extent. Because she had a Bohemian mindset like me? Suffered from insecurities and indecision like me? Never got enough love and died alone, and my end might be very similar? I am no celebrity, never even intend to be. I love being left alone. But still, I remember the cry I gave, when I watched Woh Lamhe, in one of the very intense scenes. I remember that Anand was very embarrassed with me, reacting like that in the packed theater. The wounds were still very sore then, and I could perfectly relate to the girl whose mind was going haywire for no particular fault of her's.
Do I await the same fate? I don't think I will ever go crazy. Enough has already happened in my life to jitter my mind, and I have maintained my stability all the same. If you talk of Schizophrenia, well, I created my alter ego pretty early in my life, and still maintain her, and I do talk to myself at all times (even in office), and I do laugh a lot and cry as well - with myself, but I don't think it's very scary. But dying alone is. And as time passes, it seems more and more probable. The locked in episode has shaken me a bit. I don't know what's in store for me, but I am very skeptical.
Well you might know, that I love reading :) I read everything...mostly fictions though, but even wikipedia and TOI and yahoo in details. So somehow or the other, yesterday I ended up reading about Parveen Babi. And for me, reading means research.
Ok, let me first write about what happened on Friday. When I wrote here I am adventure prone, I had no idea which is the next one in the row. I have this really silly habit of keeping the cell beside me, and not in my pocket. Friday evening, I came back after a long tiring day (in fact week) of work, ate a humble dinner, called mom, and was mostly lazing about and surfing the net. Around 10 in the night, I went to the bathroom. I was inside the bathroom, when the door handle broke and I got locked inside. It took me some time to realize the situation. I used my engineering knowledge and discovered that the screw is absolutely stuck in, no way that without a screwdriver I can open it. Being Friday, no one would have noticed that I am locked in, till Monday, and I also didn't have my phone to call from inside the bathroom. I broke down, just for a fraction of a second. "This can't be happening to me, no God, you can't do this to me...". But it took me a very little while to recover from the panic stricken stage. Shows how well used I am nowadays with crisis situations. First I started banging on the bathroom door, with my hands and shouted for help. Then I found a floor moper. To give my hands a bit of rest - I started using it to make noise. I had to desperately continue this feat for almost an hour, till I was heard. A neighbor lady called some locksmith, and he came and broke the lock. Even as the locksmith was mending the door lock, some bathroom fitting broke off. But crux of the matter, I was rescued in a time span of around 3 hours.
Yesterday, I was a bit dazed. Didn't get enough sleep. Over that had to go out and get money from ATM for paying the locksmith and had to wait for him to come over and finish the work. Till then, with the big holes in the main door, I was not at peace. Once he left, I went back to youtube, and started watching Arth, as part of my research on Parveen Babi. I don't know why this lady appealed to me to this extent. Because she had a Bohemian mindset like me? Suffered from insecurities and indecision like me? Never got enough love and died alone, and my end might be very similar? I am no celebrity, never even intend to be. I love being left alone. But still, I remember the cry I gave, when I watched Woh Lamhe, in one of the very intense scenes. I remember that Anand was very embarrassed with me, reacting like that in the packed theater. The wounds were still very sore then, and I could perfectly relate to the girl whose mind was going haywire for no particular fault of her's.
Do I await the same fate? I don't think I will ever go crazy. Enough has already happened in my life to jitter my mind, and I have maintained my stability all the same. If you talk of Schizophrenia, well, I created my alter ego pretty early in my life, and still maintain her, and I do talk to myself at all times (even in office), and I do laugh a lot and cry as well - with myself, but I don't think it's very scary. But dying alone is. And as time passes, it seems more and more probable. The locked in episode has shaken me a bit. I don't know what's in store for me, but I am very skeptical.
Friday, September 9, 2011
Take it easy :D
I know that nothing would sound funnier than me writing here that I am adventure prone. But believe me...I am. Adventure happens in my life naturally.
Like it happened yesterday. I entered the house and was just settling down, when BANG!!! and the all the lights went off. When I called the landlady she said that it's too late to send someone. So I spent the night in darkness. Me being the ever adaptive me, also needed 5 KFC chicken wings to pacify the seething anger somewhat.
After all this, if I say I am adventure prone, you'd laugh. Adventure's simply come in my life, uninvited. I realized that when I was standing alone midway in the Austrian Alps in Simmering, for half and hour, being witness to probably 3 accidents in a row, shivering in the cold, with no hope to go back to human society. All because of the moron HBHBB's stupidity (no, to be honest, I was also to be blamed - I don't know why I panicked like that). I always had fear of height, but that time, I felt I just can't continue. Okie foot note is - H=Heart/Hand B=Broken/Bong - guest the rest - copyright K.
Okie, rewind some 5-6 years. Durga Puja 2005. I was poor Pupsie then. Used to go home by train. That too, I guess in general sleeper class (non AC). Anyways, so the 1.5 days journey is almost over, I am supposed to reach the destination at 6 AM in the morning, and the train stops. No, this is not my station. My station's still 2hrs away. And wonder of wonders, train remains stopped. It's 12 noon now. No one has any clue, except rumors that because of the rain, rail lines are submerged in water. I am growing thoroughly impatient, and half the people on train are leaving (the normal electric trains were plying you see), when suddenly a policeman emerges in the compartment and announces my name. Am I the cause of all this? Have I, against my knowledge, become some most wanted? Do I sleep walk (and sleep kill hapless people - like stone man????) In a very cat like voice, the once upon a time doggy says, meekly, "Ya, that's me". It seemed my crazy doting father had compelled the station master to instruct rail police in this station to locate me, and instruct me to take a local train and get down at some station, from where my dad would pick me up. God!!! Story doesn't end here - I, with my two suitcases (red and green) - get down from the express train, and is on the verge of stepping onto the local train, when, announcement!!! My express train has been given the signal to continue its journey. Aah, home sweet home at last. You should have seen me running across the platform with two suitcases (red and green) - to climb into the original train in time. Aah, I sink into my seat. Another 90 minutes pass uneventfully. And then, BOOM. Train stops again. Now, it seems the station is just walking distance. The train is almost vacated. Everyone has started walking along the railway track. I am adamant this time. Even a policeman can't force me to get down on the tracks with my two suitcases (red and green). Then the Marwari uncle intervenes. "You have to come with us". "No Uncle, I am fine. I don't mind waiting". "The train is empty. I can't let a girl stay alone in the train amidst such water logging - this would probably be the last train to have come on this route for the next one week." Cut, and you find me walking with the crowd (Marwari Uncle has curiously vanished) with my two suitcases (red and green) - on a literally shitty track - if only it was one track - as I had told earlier - the local trains were plying - every 2 min someone in the crowd would shout - hey train's coming - and everyone would change tracks - and me too - with (ya you guessed it right - my two suitcases - red and green). A kid emerged from somewhere. Didi, shall I carry this? I was wonder struck - God comes in all forms, they say. But poor Pupsie has to be careful. "How much do you want?" "Will you gimme 10 bucks" - I finally gave him 20. We kept walking. "Hey train train" Another shout. This time the train came, and stopped. It seemed finally a train was sent to pick up the stranded passengers. I reached the station, and dad wasn't there, with a "I can't take it anymore" look on his face - which was expected. It was like - neither he, nor his phone, was reachable. I called mom and surprisingly, mom could reach dad's phone. After some time we managed to meet, and he declared to the "by then quite dead" me, that we can't even take a taxi. The city is absolutely drowned, so we need to take a bus. Getting into an overcrowded Kolkata bus, with my two - you know what - I reached home that day around 13 hours later than the scheduled time, to hear in the news, that there was some mechanical fault in my train when driver applied emergency brake and stopped (when it stopped for the 2nd time) - else the entire train would have derailed!!!
Two years fast forward. 2007, SG. We stayed in the topmost floor (11th floor probably). And my room had this huge window covering one entire wall. One fine evening, as I am lying on the bed and reading, suddenly, I see, cockroaches streaming inside the room, at least 1000 cockroaches, and flying everywhere, and making sure that they don't escape to any other place. There were 3 other rooms including the hall, not a single one decides to stray there. And my funny PM, he tells me, 100 - number to call police - everyone who's watching the fun - laughs aloud. Ugh - terrible sense of humor people have :@ :@ Thankfully by next morning they were gone (Do doggies eat cockroaches ever? Were they taking revenge for some nasty act I did in my last life?)
Like it happened yesterday. I entered the house and was just settling down, when BANG!!! and the all the lights went off. When I called the landlady she said that it's too late to send someone. So I spent the night in darkness. Me being the ever adaptive me, also needed 5 KFC chicken wings to pacify the seething anger somewhat.
After all this, if I say I am adventure prone, you'd laugh. Adventure's simply come in my life, uninvited. I realized that when I was standing alone midway in the Austrian Alps in Simmering, for half and hour, being witness to probably 3 accidents in a row, shivering in the cold, with no hope to go back to human society. All because of the moron HBHBB's stupidity (no, to be honest, I was also to be blamed - I don't know why I panicked like that). I always had fear of height, but that time, I felt I just can't continue. Okie foot note is - H=Heart/Hand B=Broken/Bong - guest the rest - copyright K.
Okie, rewind some 5-6 years. Durga Puja 2005. I was poor Pupsie then. Used to go home by train. That too, I guess in general sleeper class (non AC). Anyways, so the 1.5 days journey is almost over, I am supposed to reach the destination at 6 AM in the morning, and the train stops. No, this is not my station. My station's still 2hrs away. And wonder of wonders, train remains stopped. It's 12 noon now. No one has any clue, except rumors that because of the rain, rail lines are submerged in water. I am growing thoroughly impatient, and half the people on train are leaving (the normal electric trains were plying you see), when suddenly a policeman emerges in the compartment and announces my name. Am I the cause of all this? Have I, against my knowledge, become some most wanted? Do I sleep walk (and sleep kill hapless people - like stone man????) In a very cat like voice, the once upon a time doggy says, meekly, "Ya, that's me". It seemed my crazy doting father had compelled the station master to instruct rail police in this station to locate me, and instruct me to take a local train and get down at some station, from where my dad would pick me up. God!!! Story doesn't end here - I, with my two suitcases (red and green) - get down from the express train, and is on the verge of stepping onto the local train, when, announcement!!! My express train has been given the signal to continue its journey. Aah, home sweet home at last. You should have seen me running across the platform with two suitcases (red and green) - to climb into the original train in time. Aah, I sink into my seat. Another 90 minutes pass uneventfully. And then, BOOM. Train stops again. Now, it seems the station is just walking distance. The train is almost vacated. Everyone has started walking along the railway track. I am adamant this time. Even a policeman can't force me to get down on the tracks with my two suitcases (red and green). Then the Marwari uncle intervenes. "You have to come with us". "No Uncle, I am fine. I don't mind waiting". "The train is empty. I can't let a girl stay alone in the train amidst such water logging - this would probably be the last train to have come on this route for the next one week." Cut, and you find me walking with the crowd (Marwari Uncle has curiously vanished) with my two suitcases (red and green) - on a literally shitty track - if only it was one track - as I had told earlier - the local trains were plying - every 2 min someone in the crowd would shout - hey train's coming - and everyone would change tracks - and me too - with (ya you guessed it right - my two suitcases - red and green). A kid emerged from somewhere. Didi, shall I carry this? I was wonder struck - God comes in all forms, they say. But poor Pupsie has to be careful. "How much do you want?" "Will you gimme 10 bucks" - I finally gave him 20. We kept walking. "Hey train train" Another shout. This time the train came, and stopped. It seemed finally a train was sent to pick up the stranded passengers. I reached the station, and dad wasn't there, with a "I can't take it anymore" look on his face - which was expected. It was like - neither he, nor his phone, was reachable. I called mom and surprisingly, mom could reach dad's phone. After some time we managed to meet, and he declared to the "by then quite dead" me, that we can't even take a taxi. The city is absolutely drowned, so we need to take a bus. Getting into an overcrowded Kolkata bus, with my two - you know what - I reached home that day around 13 hours later than the scheduled time, to hear in the news, that there was some mechanical fault in my train when driver applied emergency brake and stopped (when it stopped for the 2nd time) - else the entire train would have derailed!!!
Two years fast forward. 2007, SG. We stayed in the topmost floor (11th floor probably). And my room had this huge window covering one entire wall. One fine evening, as I am lying on the bed and reading, suddenly, I see, cockroaches streaming inside the room, at least 1000 cockroaches, and flying everywhere, and making sure that they don't escape to any other place. There were 3 other rooms including the hall, not a single one decides to stray there. And my funny PM, he tells me, 100 - number to call police - everyone who's watching the fun - laughs aloud. Ugh - terrible sense of humor people have :@ :@ Thankfully by next morning they were gone (Do doggies eat cockroaches ever? Were they taking revenge for some nasty act I did in my last life?)
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Aye zindagi...gale lagale...
I had a lot of packing to do today. Tomorrow I am shifting to a new house. But nothing matters to me right now. I haven't done much also, after returning from office. Elaborate plans were made though. To cook rice and fry eggs and make sabjis...and eat them all up in the last 3 meals to follow in this place. To wrap up the masalas carefully, and pack them up. Not to forget the jewelry, that I kept separately in the TV table drawer (the gold itself is worth a lot now, I must remember). And all I am doing is - came back, opened gmail, chatted with Ani, uploaded my CV in some site, listened once again to "aha tomaar sange praner khela" and kept gazing at IMG_2388.jpg for hours, and read the chat log - just once or twice...
Aah, to think that I was facing my worst ever depression till yesterday. All because of some colleagues who seemed to be better privileged than me, and some guy, whom I hardly know for 6-8 months is supposedly ignoring me. For this reason, I haven't spoken to my mom (who - let me take this opportunity to admit - is pretty much the best mom you can hope to get) and yesterday when bro kinda begged me to call home, I couldn't continue the conversation for more than 6 minutes. Because of the shifting I was forced not to buy more ice cream, so I got a full pack of yogurt and ate it up in large spoon fulls (aah my homemade vanilla ice cream with chocolate sauce and roasted almonds - usually manages to get me out of any depression for at least the time duration it lasts). I literally felt yesterday, that it's the end of my life. Life doesn't have anything more. I couldn't make head or tail of the WMS report I was working on (of all living beings, I could remember only Sombaba) and situation didn't improve much when it was finally EOD in India, and Subarna didn't wish me Happy Teacher's Day. She's the student who'd come to meet me all the way from Dhanbad, when I had quit the lecturer job and was all set for Mysore (She wished me today btw).
So yesterday was gloomy, to say the least. I felt utterly tired. Slept off early too. Not at all looking forward for today morning to happen in my life. In the morning I as usual got late (arranging for my compulsory money saving lunch box) and missed to buy the monthly pass for metro (it was expiring today). Cursed myself and reached office some 15 minutes late. Was being utterly bugged by the QA stuff, which is not my responsibility anyways, and the casual attitude of offshore people (one thing I cannot stand is casual attitude at work - even if you are in notice period, be serious about work yaar - you are still on the rolls) - and was trying to concentrate on my work - when - the magic happened.
There's this dialogue in Refugee movie, which I have told him a number of times. Sach mein tum ho, ya main sapna dekh rahihun...
I couldn't write such a big sentence. It ended in one word, Aap?
And the gush of joy, the urge to live - that came over me, in an overwhelming way - was nothing that any Harry Potter, any Edward Cullen, any Tom Hanks can ever create for me. No one in the wide world, in real or imaginative existence, can bring about this transformation of doom to delight in a blink. I must have written here some days back that Karthik makes me happy. Or I miss the days with Anand. The difference is, they are just happiness, not bliss. They don't touch the innermost core of my heart in a way he does. They don't know how to play the strings of my heart, let alone bring out mellifluous music.
There must be reasons why I chose to remain single. So that I am free to enjoy these rare occurrences. This time it happened almost after 10 months, next time it might happen after 10 years. All of a sudden, out of the blue he'd appear and take my name and ask me how are you? And write gud instead of good. Just to check if I remember. And to let me know that he hasn't changed his ways because of me. And probably he still doesn't drink from a plastic bottle. And he still writes FYA please in mails, and he still remembers me when drinking sugarcane juice. But we won't speak aloud on these things. I'd blabber a bit, he'd listen. He'd write a line or two, and then go away for the next ten years.
But he'd come back at length for sure. Probably when he feels I am not able to take it anymore.
Humne bahane se...chhupke zamane se...palko ke parde mein ghar bhar liya...
Tera sahara mil gaya hai zindagi...
Aye zindagi gale lagale
Humne bhi tere har ek gham ko gale se lagaya hai...hai na?
Love is unconditional right? And I can tell you this much, at this moment, I am at peace with myself. Not hopeful, but blissful.
Aah, to think that I was facing my worst ever depression till yesterday. All because of some colleagues who seemed to be better privileged than me, and some guy, whom I hardly know for 6-8 months is supposedly ignoring me. For this reason, I haven't spoken to my mom (who - let me take this opportunity to admit - is pretty much the best mom you can hope to get) and yesterday when bro kinda begged me to call home, I couldn't continue the conversation for more than 6 minutes. Because of the shifting I was forced not to buy more ice cream, so I got a full pack of yogurt and ate it up in large spoon fulls (aah my homemade vanilla ice cream with chocolate sauce and roasted almonds - usually manages to get me out of any depression for at least the time duration it lasts). I literally felt yesterday, that it's the end of my life. Life doesn't have anything more. I couldn't make head or tail of the WMS report I was working on (of all living beings, I could remember only Sombaba) and situation didn't improve much when it was finally EOD in India, and Subarna didn't wish me Happy Teacher's Day. She's the student who'd come to meet me all the way from Dhanbad, when I had quit the lecturer job and was all set for Mysore (She wished me today btw).
So yesterday was gloomy, to say the least. I felt utterly tired. Slept off early too. Not at all looking forward for today morning to happen in my life. In the morning I as usual got late (arranging for my compulsory money saving lunch box) and missed to buy the monthly pass for metro (it was expiring today). Cursed myself and reached office some 15 minutes late. Was being utterly bugged by the QA stuff, which is not my responsibility anyways, and the casual attitude of offshore people (one thing I cannot stand is casual attitude at work - even if you are in notice period, be serious about work yaar - you are still on the rolls) - and was trying to concentrate on my work - when - the magic happened.
There's this dialogue in Refugee movie, which I have told him a number of times. Sach mein tum ho, ya main sapna dekh rahihun...
I couldn't write such a big sentence. It ended in one word, Aap?
And the gush of joy, the urge to live - that came over me, in an overwhelming way - was nothing that any Harry Potter, any Edward Cullen, any Tom Hanks can ever create for me. No one in the wide world, in real or imaginative existence, can bring about this transformation of doom to delight in a blink. I must have written here some days back that Karthik makes me happy. Or I miss the days with Anand. The difference is, they are just happiness, not bliss. They don't touch the innermost core of my heart in a way he does. They don't know how to play the strings of my heart, let alone bring out mellifluous music.
There must be reasons why I chose to remain single. So that I am free to enjoy these rare occurrences. This time it happened almost after 10 months, next time it might happen after 10 years. All of a sudden, out of the blue he'd appear and take my name and ask me how are you? And write gud instead of good. Just to check if I remember. And to let me know that he hasn't changed his ways because of me. And probably he still doesn't drink from a plastic bottle. And he still writes FYA please in mails, and he still remembers me when drinking sugarcane juice. But we won't speak aloud on these things. I'd blabber a bit, he'd listen. He'd write a line or two, and then go away for the next ten years.
But he'd come back at length for sure. Probably when he feels I am not able to take it anymore.
Humne bahane se...chhupke zamane se...palko ke parde mein ghar bhar liya...
Tera sahara mil gaya hai zindagi...
Aye zindagi gale lagale
Humne bhi tere har ek gham ko gale se lagaya hai...hai na?
Love is unconditional right? And I can tell you this much, at this moment, I am at peace with myself. Not hopeful, but blissful.
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Fleur Vs Abhimaan
Fleur, is very French. Though in English also, they have this phrase, "say it with flowers", I somehow feel, even that is taken from French. Abhimaan, on the other hand, is very Bengali. Ya, I do remember that there was a movie of this name, made in Hindi, but don't forget that the director, as well as the leading lady was from Bengal. The concept itself is very Bengali, if you ask me. No other place has ladies so sulking, so touchy, so full of dreams - dreams that burst like a bubble as they are mostly baseless and impractical, but nonetheless, hurt a lot.
I see beautiful roses here. Of all colors. Love the pink ones. KANK has got a beautiful scene. In fear of getting caught by his wife, Dev gives her the entire bouquet he had actually got for Maya. When he finally sees her off and comes to Maya, he gives her one solitary red rose, he had managed to retain. I am surprised to see the different links in youtube, on KANK. Having the movie or its clips is fine. But so many different versions of joining scene after scene, reliving the story, adding a preferred background score, kind of takes me by awe. Similar reaction to what I felt, when I learned that Tum Yaad Aaye was the best selling music album of 1997. There are so many heartbroken people on earth, is it?
Quite futile, if you ask me. Doesn't count for practical people. Practical people get everything in life. They have friends, have lovers, get married, have children and earn a lot of money. The trick is not to get involved. Not to expect Fleur and not to practice Abhimaan.
Tried to spice up the dinner a bit. Didn't turn out that good. But still, had it happily. My royal solitary two course meal. Tortilla with curry, followed by pudding. Tried to watch a movie. Didn't find a good one. It's only 10:10 PM. Last Saturday was definitely better. I need to pack, but don't feel like it. Can do a little bit of analysis, just to keep things ahead of time, but why should I work in the weekend? So finally I have nothing to do. And this post is also done.
I see beautiful roses here. Of all colors. Love the pink ones. KANK has got a beautiful scene. In fear of getting caught by his wife, Dev gives her the entire bouquet he had actually got for Maya. When he finally sees her off and comes to Maya, he gives her one solitary red rose, he had managed to retain. I am surprised to see the different links in youtube, on KANK. Having the movie or its clips is fine. But so many different versions of joining scene after scene, reliving the story, adding a preferred background score, kind of takes me by awe. Similar reaction to what I felt, when I learned that Tum Yaad Aaye was the best selling music album of 1997. There are so many heartbroken people on earth, is it?
Quite futile, if you ask me. Doesn't count for practical people. Practical people get everything in life. They have friends, have lovers, get married, have children and earn a lot of money. The trick is not to get involved. Not to expect Fleur and not to practice Abhimaan.
Tried to spice up the dinner a bit. Didn't turn out that good. But still, had it happily. My royal solitary two course meal. Tortilla with curry, followed by pudding. Tried to watch a movie. Didn't find a good one. It's only 10:10 PM. Last Saturday was definitely better. I need to pack, but don't feel like it. Can do a little bit of analysis, just to keep things ahead of time, but why should I work in the weekend? So finally I have nothing to do. And this post is also done.
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Us baat ko...jaane hi do...
Ah well, this continuous telecast of Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna in the back of mind, during office hours or at home, can be quite quite irritating. Over that, the fact remains, that there is no conspicuous Dev in my life. So when, in the front end, there is some interest calculation report, and in the back end, Maya shouts, "Deeeeeeeeeeev, I like blue", I feel like tearing my hairs :( :( Considering the amount of hair I am losing, ever since I started using the Dove hair fall remedy shampoo, this is not at all a good thing to feel...Trust me, that shampoo promises that you won't have any hair fall, for the simple reason, that it will make you bald.
The accounts track meetings are particularly scary. Were. Now I quite enjoy them. Though people are still very confused. But I have started liking the confusion itself. The first meet with the head, which was scheduled this Wednesday, had particularly gotten on my nerves. I kept preparing for it till late night. The head guy, in my imagination, alternately took up forms of Voldemort and Volturi. Must be an old, fretting guy, who'd find fault with all my statements, I told myself.
Well, since the time I met him, things changed. He's rather a sweet, golu molu guy, very intelligent, knows the track in and out, and has a lot of patience. To think that while coming here, I was really scared that I won't be able to perform to my previous level.
But thing is, I have to go back. Watch Mausam. Watch Breaking Dawn. And retire. From work. I can't live this life of imagination. KANK and KHNH. It used to happen during college. Constant playing of Hum Dil De Chuke Sanam. Albela Sajan, then Tadap Tadap, then the title track. Followed by Aankhon ki Gustakhiyan. All the while, I am attending lectures, doing workshop or some lab - it just won't stop. But then I was a kid. All kids dream. A granny doesn't.
Ha ha, laughing riot again. Granny? Who - me? ROTFL. Aap kabhi "old" ho paoge? To main kaise?
Aah I am sleepy man. It was a good day. After a long long time. No meeting. Per diem upload. Pupu Ray becoming rich. And richer. I did fixed deposit on all my money. So that I don't have to buy a car for anyone :) :)
The accounts track meetings are particularly scary. Were. Now I quite enjoy them. Though people are still very confused. But I have started liking the confusion itself. The first meet with the head, which was scheduled this Wednesday, had particularly gotten on my nerves. I kept preparing for it till late night. The head guy, in my imagination, alternately took up forms of Voldemort and Volturi. Must be an old, fretting guy, who'd find fault with all my statements, I told myself.
Well, since the time I met him, things changed. He's rather a sweet, golu molu guy, very intelligent, knows the track in and out, and has a lot of patience. To think that while coming here, I was really scared that I won't be able to perform to my previous level.
But thing is, I have to go back. Watch Mausam. Watch Breaking Dawn. And retire. From work. I can't live this life of imagination. KANK and KHNH. It used to happen during college. Constant playing of Hum Dil De Chuke Sanam. Albela Sajan, then Tadap Tadap, then the title track. Followed by Aankhon ki Gustakhiyan. All the while, I am attending lectures, doing workshop or some lab - it just won't stop. But then I was a kid. All kids dream. A granny doesn't.
Ha ha, laughing riot again. Granny? Who - me? ROTFL. Aap kabhi "old" ho paoge? To main kaise?
Aah I am sleepy man. It was a good day. After a long long time. No meeting. Per diem upload. Pupu Ray becoming rich. And richer. I did fixed deposit on all my money. So that I don't have to buy a car for anyone :) :)
The bliss called Belapur :) :)
Today was my laughter day. Started right from the morning. I got into the lift. Your friend also came up after me. There was another guy, who seemed a perfect Sombaba clone (sigh...to understand this you have to meet Sombaba in person). So he kept saying something about his card not working...and how strange it feels when on the 1st of the month the card stops working...and we reached our floor. Lo and behold...your friend knows manners man. The other guys left, he kept standing, motioned for me to go first. :O :O. Please please forgive me for this (you know right, just how much I respect you)...but what to do if d'bhai whispers in my ear...chawde ke friend mein itni manners :( :( Right from then the laughing riot started.
Then somebody mentioned Naresh in the office. And I remembered Rajat. For once I wished Rajat was here, and we two would have bitched forever about that git. And then, you know what happened? Heman talked to me. Wow, I was even more happy. He talked...that too in Bengali. And thankfully, this time we didn't chat about fine akkel. Instead we talked about bears and their eating habits - just one two lines...and then I left.
Okie, third reason to be happy was...somebody mentioned in the office, where is the SBI datacenter...and somebody answered..Mumbai mein nahi hai...Belapur mein hai....aaaaaaaaah, as soon as Belapur was mentioned...even to my surprise...I kind of went to the seventh heaven. Just mention of the name of a place can bring so much bliss, is it? Perhaps because, Belapur is one place which I associate with your success, your greatness - to me you can very well be the king of Belapur :D :D technically conquer to nahi kiyeho...but somehow...I feel you rule the place...pata hai, main jab Mumbai gayitthi...kahan rukitthi...us station ka naam yaad nahi hai :( but us station mein ekbaar announcement hui...about some train going to Belapur...I distinctly remember that...it came in mind today as well...
I saved some money also. Somebody cheated me of 18 kronas and I cheated that person of 14 kronas. I know enough maths to understand that I am still in loss, but still somewhat tit for tat happened right? And ya...I intended to get only 1 packet of nougats but I got a chocolate bar also, and finally found a Hello ka mango juice. Got that too. Know that I have to shift this weekend, but raha nahi gaya.
And then, finally coming back home...I couldn't resist. I pinged Rajat in fb. And you know what? He addressed me as, her highness of Saanwer...ohh it was so much fun talking to Rajat again...just like our old days. To end up, had a yummy meal of 5 fish fries (small ones ji...dukhi na ho...) and mango juice.
Aap thik boltetthe...expectations rakkho hi mat...aaj na...mera kisi se koi expectation nahi ttha...subah utthi, khana banayi, nahake, taiyar hoke office gayi, kaam kiya, ghar aayi, doston se baat ki, khana banayi, abhi khake...yeh likhke...so jayungi...kisi se kuchh lena dena nahi...kuchh paana ya khona nahi...achhi life hai na?
Aaj dinbhar main dusron ko observe ki, mere pasand ki cheezein observe ki, jaise cars, dresses, shawls, doggies, and of course humans. The lady in Interspar was perfectly courteous to both the girl before me and the man after me, but she neither greeted me, nor did she say thank you. I wished her dobri den, and she didn't even respond back. I happened to wonder, is it my skin color or hair style? Khair chhodo. Aaj ek to apne baaremein sochne ka time nahi mila...uske upar aap ki itni yaad...bus...zinda rehne kliye aur kya chahiye?
P.S. - My avid reader, the "Full Moon" lady will be definitely upset with this entry, and give me a lot of gyaan about not interfering with someone else's personal life, not mentioning particular names (and surnames), etc. etc. But she knows very well that she can't correct me. Mann ho to case kare koi...darrti hun kya main?
P.P.S. - I give a damn to people who think I must forget you...for whatever reason...and get offended if I act otherwise...(my sweet "Full Moon" lady, I don't mean you this time...so relax)
Then somebody mentioned Naresh in the office. And I remembered Rajat. For once I wished Rajat was here, and we two would have bitched forever about that git. And then, you know what happened? Heman talked to me. Wow, I was even more happy. He talked...that too in Bengali. And thankfully, this time we didn't chat about fine akkel. Instead we talked about bears and their eating habits - just one two lines...and then I left.
Okie, third reason to be happy was...somebody mentioned in the office, where is the SBI datacenter...and somebody answered..Mumbai mein nahi hai...Belapur mein hai....aaaaaaaaah, as soon as Belapur was mentioned...even to my surprise...I kind of went to the seventh heaven. Just mention of the name of a place can bring so much bliss, is it? Perhaps because, Belapur is one place which I associate with your success, your greatness - to me you can very well be the king of Belapur :D :D technically conquer to nahi kiyeho...but somehow...I feel you rule the place...pata hai, main jab Mumbai gayitthi...kahan rukitthi...us station ka naam yaad nahi hai :( but us station mein ekbaar announcement hui...about some train going to Belapur...I distinctly remember that...it came in mind today as well...
I saved some money also. Somebody cheated me of 18 kronas and I cheated that person of 14 kronas. I know enough maths to understand that I am still in loss, but still somewhat tit for tat happened right? And ya...I intended to get only 1 packet of nougats but I got a chocolate bar also, and finally found a Hello ka mango juice. Got that too. Know that I have to shift this weekend, but raha nahi gaya.
And then, finally coming back home...I couldn't resist. I pinged Rajat in fb. And you know what? He addressed me as, her highness of Saanwer...ohh it was so much fun talking to Rajat again...just like our old days. To end up, had a yummy meal of 5 fish fries (small ones ji...dukhi na ho...) and mango juice.
Aap thik boltetthe...expectations rakkho hi mat...aaj na...mera kisi se koi expectation nahi ttha...subah utthi, khana banayi, nahake, taiyar hoke office gayi, kaam kiya, ghar aayi, doston se baat ki, khana banayi, abhi khake...yeh likhke...so jayungi...kisi se kuchh lena dena nahi...kuchh paana ya khona nahi...achhi life hai na?
Aaj dinbhar main dusron ko observe ki, mere pasand ki cheezein observe ki, jaise cars, dresses, shawls, doggies, and of course humans. The lady in Interspar was perfectly courteous to both the girl before me and the man after me, but she neither greeted me, nor did she say thank you. I wished her dobri den, and she didn't even respond back. I happened to wonder, is it my skin color or hair style? Khair chhodo. Aaj ek to apne baaremein sochne ka time nahi mila...uske upar aap ki itni yaad...bus...zinda rehne kliye aur kya chahiye?
P.S. - My avid reader, the "Full Moon" lady will be definitely upset with this entry, and give me a lot of gyaan about not interfering with someone else's personal life, not mentioning particular names (and surnames), etc. etc. But she knows very well that she can't correct me. Mann ho to case kare koi...darrti hun kya main?
P.P.S. - I give a damn to people who think I must forget you...for whatever reason...and get offended if I act otherwise...(my sweet "Full Moon" lady, I don't mean you this time...so relax)
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