Sunday, April 3, 2011

Ogo dukho jaganiya...

My last night's post was nothing short of scandalous. I am usually not a girl who goes to this extent. Perhaps the delirium of the win, mingled with old memories of happiness, and the usual sense of longing and companionship one looks for, having spent around two days alone inside a room, cut off from the rest of the civilization, gave rise to the tumultuous post.

Had a rather disturbed sleep last night. For a long time I thought about deleting the post. Almost, almost a similar situation as June 2006, only that time it was a life, this time it's just a post. And this time I allow it to live. I am four years older now, after all. I admit that I live on, because of the sacrifice done on that day, nonetheless I live on with a scar. I can't suppress myself every time. If this brings about chaos, let it. If this doesn't, well and good. No expectations, I have just silently spoken out my mind.

I thought of making my blog private as well. But the other time I did it, it was to save a relationship (which I couldn't save finally). Now I do not have any such qualms whatsoever. I don't have any relationship to save now. If at all anything comes up in future, I'd be happy not to hold back anything from the person I am going to share life with. You may ask, what about his life. Who cares? Sounds un-Pupu like? Well, the fact remains, I care for him, I care for the baby, but NOT for his existing relationships.

All said and done, I realize that having said this, I will gradually come out of the madness. That's why had to take it out. Had to make myself discover, that it is wrong to continue endowing him with a "God-like" image. He knew, he felt, and he could have changed things if he wanted. He just didn't want. He is very much a human, and so am I, and I need to move on.

The last post, was more of a harsh blow to me, than to him, in order to bring me back to reality. Hope I succeeded.

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