Having watched Zodiac, the next in line is Sixth Sense. But I guess I am not that much of a brave girl anymore. I am actually not even much of a fighter anymore. When I shouted at the management of the departmental store today, I had the distinct feeling that I am taking out my frustration on them. Zodiac I could watch, murders are in the living domain at least, I'd rather not venture out to the supernatural at night. So probably I shall watch it tomorrow in the day time, with people and commotion giving me company. More than ever before I am having that rushing against time feeling...holding on to sand feeling - things are not in my command any more. The eagerness with which I unpacked and gave away the gifts I had brought for everyone - kinda told me how afraid I am of this ticking time.
So what do I do now? Read a book? A book, did you say? I haven't read a book for a month now. I can't read a book without remembering him, without remembering the fact that this was the first question he asked me, the primary thing that must have come to his mind about me - "do you still read books? I still have the habit - visit the book fair every year, at least twice..."
Crap, crap and crap, do I remember anything apart from him? I am grieving for him as if I am his widow...because I know in my mind that he will never call back, never return to me, all due to his sense of commitment. He behaved in that way because he could see himself slipping, and he wouldn't allow that. I can keep telling myself that he's insensitive, but insensitivity and forced rudeness is not the same thing. You are not rude to the person whom you have written to after 12:30 in the night, and asked her to call back right then if she's awake. You don't re-assert something that she was the first to point out - and predict - "you might not want to have to do anything with me... " - I bared my heart and he just decided to turn his face away. No, he's not a risk taker, never was. I have an open avenue...if love would have happened I'd have welcomed it, else I'd have been more than happy with him as a friend, but to him love would have been disastrous, and probably, he being wiser than me, already realized that friendship is not a possibility? He said he gave up on me because I had ignored him, surely he'd know how much pain his ignorance would cost me? He's been my hero, my protector, surely he wouldn't cause me so much hurt if he could help it? Or is he merely indifferent? Indifferent after sharing a mail every two hours for an entire day?
The bad memories of my life cause more trouble. I have always met the wrong guys na, I can't help comparing him with them. Probably I got too tiring, all of a sudden?
All said and done, homecoming is gloomy, Kolkata feels dismal, life has lost its purpose, I have lost my last straw. I keep crying, shouting in pain, howling in frustration - no I can't take it. I was able to take everything so far because he was my guiding star, I can't handle this void - nothing comforts, nothing - I keep crying all the time, tears just won't dry up.
I have always loved this song, only the long version of this song. The last stanza that's left out in the more popular version gives the song an entirely new dimension. So I am just listening to it now, having nothing better to do...
https://youtu.be/OLUWpt64GMc
God, a time would come when even You'd be in love,
And when Your friend would be leaving You,
Then, You'd realize this pain of separation (which You unknowingly wrote in my destiny)...
I should have never sought him out, I should never have tried to bridge virtuality and reality...in trying to get a moment's happiness - I have perhaps destroyed it all.
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