I am sleepy. Very rarely, and only in the life of some utterly confused people, does come a time when one is totally at a loss to understand the situation. I don't know what I want from my life. Moreover, I don't even know whether I want to live or die. I hate work, I hate eating, I hate sleeping, if a chat goes on for long, I hate even that. I'd talk with some long lost college friend, who, on his own accord has gotten in touch with me, and from his words, I can understand that he is genuinely concerned about me, and I won't like that!!! I'd look for contexts to finish the chat and log out.
It's not like this with everyone though. For example I can talk with Karthik for any length of time, without apprehensions. Still, it's not like what it used to be. With him, it's not about losing interest, with him, it's about getting alien. Way I have given up on many people. Like Anitha. Like Ananya. I know that at one point in time they were very good friends, but now they have their own world. Like he'd have soon. So I have alienated myself from them.
And truly speaking, what do I have to talk about? To talk about something worthwhile, you've got to have a life. Do I have one? I sincerely doubt.
I know, living these 31 years of life hasn't been tough. But I am very sure that now it will be. Something drastic, something miraculous ought to happen, to save me from this moribund. But I am too afraid even to dream. As I have told here, probably a 100 times, that I have made myself into this zombie as I don't want to get hurt again, but frankly speaking, today I feel, there's hardly any difference. At least when you are hurt, you feel alive.
You feel strange, when you want to speak out, but you can't. You feel stranger, when you know that you don't have to talk - someone already knows...
No comments:
Post a Comment