I had taken a survey kinda thing when I was in high school. It was supposed to analyze my traits and predict which career would suit me best. Finally when the results came out, they predicted stuff like accountant, clerk, etc. etc.
At times I feel they predicted correctly. Especially after I have started maintaining the expenses.xls. Another whim of mine, to keep a tab on daily expenses. Which I don't do anyways. But at least try to note down whatever I have spent, and for whichever purpose.
Well, last time I visited home, I forgot to send myself the updated copy through mail. So it remained in the hard disk of the home laptop, and my dad, despite my many instructions, was unable to send it. So I just noted down the expenses in a draft message in my mobile.
This time when bro was home, he sent it to me. I was feeling that this is quite futile work, to note down the details, in the xls (you see I had not noted down the description of the expenses in the draft, only the amount). But still, since I had nothing better to do in the weekend, I started the work today nevertheless. And it was actually fun, trying to predict, going back 2 months in the memory lane, what was the reason of a certain expenditure.
At the same time, I got this intense urge to listen to "Nityo tomaar je phool phute phulbone". I used to like this song so much as a kid. This was in the first Rabindrasangeet album of Suman, that came out in the 90s. So I searched a bit in youtube, and found the song. As it played, I kept working on the xls, and humming along with it.
Mind you, a certain sternness has come over in me in the last couple of days. Not talking with mom is a really tough decision, because she's the only person on earth, who really cares to talk to me. Still, my logic stayed as - if this is the future, let this be the present itself. An even more difficult decision to take was to remain invisible in gtalk. Gtalk is like my life blood. It keeps me alive. But, seeing that my friends don't really need me (I actually don't have any friend), I finally took this decision as well. In one sentence, if seclusion is the solution, let me embrace it.
So, I kept working on the xls, just for the sake of doing something. I can't keep my mind idle, try as I might. And since mostly I don't spend for things except lunch, snacks and bus fare, it was kinda routine, monotonous work. When I came up to a sudden entry, which had only "tu 13 27". I wondered to myself, now this is unnatural. 27 was for sure lunch, 13 would be bus fare, and a little stressful thinking reminded me, that on Monday, bus fares had increased, in the first week the conductors cheat a lot, though the just fare would be 11, he had taken 13. Okie, then where's the return bus fare part?
And in the girl, who was trying to act brave in isolation, an unfamiliar softness came over. I can't tell you how many times, I have remembered that day. That route. The happiness of that evening. The thrill that perhaps only a teenager feels. In the umpteen days of solitude that followed, I have relived those moments so many times. The day ended in pain, but the happiness that was mine just before that, and the realization that came just after that, was too precious, too unforeseen, too tumultuous. When I enjoy companionship to this extent, why do I plan to be alone?
"Pakhir kanthe aapni jagao anando...tumi phool-er bokhye bhoriya dao sugandho..."
You...can do magic, right?
1 comment:
I don't know who reads these random entries, but to the person who reads, I want to tell - that I still remember every bit of that evening - I never imagined that the person whom I had loved and trusted to this extent would bring me to see this day...
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