Being a mock turtle...

Whatever I was expecting, finally happened. Like the weather here suddenly changed...it became cold...similarly...I too returned to my zombie self.

There was no reaction - as I expected it to happen. Yes, my acting was a bit too much, but still even that seemed pretty appropriate. That's the way to be Pupu Ray, keep it up.

I am very sure about one thing. I shall be a happy person when I finally die. Because till the time I die, something or the other will keep hurting me, and never leave me in peace.

I had a long futile discussion with Ani yesterday. If only I could come out of my dream world for once. Live in reality.

I feel like sinking in one of my most favorite songs - Agle janam mohe bitiya na kijo...

Actually if you ask me, it's even more painful, if you get a girl's life but can't live it.

For the first time in my life perhaps, I am scared of presenting myself as a normal intelligent girl in tomorrow's meeting. For today, more than ever, I feel I am completely hollow. I am tired of fighting, tired of proving myself, tired of pursuing my dreams. I am tired of begging. I want to go back. I want to simply retire. For I know, my good days will never come back. I will never be pampered and cared for again. I am tired of living with your shadows and memories. They hurt more than you ever did. You have gone far away from me, you don't even come back when I am otherwise ok. Only in such situations, I remember you. You don't comfort, you don't cry with me. You just beckon me back to those good old days, which were too short lived, and I was too prejudiced to enjoy them enough. 4 years back, it's true that I had broken free of all bonds. But I didn't foresee this nothingness.

Agatha Christie, Harry Potter, Twilight series - MBA - job search - my movies, my ipod, my migration and escheatment projects - what all I didn't do to keep myself going. To think, even yesterday, I was writing official mails till well past midnight. Skipped dinner to finish the work.

Sochta hun is train se safar karna chhod dun.
Buy myself a new car.
A nice new blue car.
You like blue?
I like blue...
Time to go...

Ek sach baat bolun? Aapne bhi kabhi mujhe utna khulke jeene nahi diya...jitna usne diya...

This Sunday, whole day I watched KANK scenes on youtube. Loved so many things in a new way. Way Maya eats her solitary meal, and Dev his. Way she bursts into tears, tries to control...and sobs even more...

I feel so so lonely today...there's no one who can help me in this. Believe me, I tried my very level best. I tried to find ways. I tried not to give up. You went away, Anand went away, people literally played with my emotions, still I waited for something good to happen. I still believe I shouldn't have lived on after what I did in June 2006. Every year I told myself, that next year you'd see...life would be so different, so so beautiful.

Feeling sleepy now...I must thank Karan Johar for having made Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna. There won't be a more beautiful portrayal of life's truth, way I see it.