I have realized in the course of the last 30 hours or so - what too much happiness feels like. It doesn't feel the way you expect it to feel like. It is quite equivalent to the effect of too much booze (I have some experience), or drug (I wouldn't know). After a while you just get into a stupor. Perhaps not in every case. Where there's a future to the happiness, you probably go on enjoying...but my happiness was strictly time bound, no? In fact yesterday morning too, I was extremely apprehensive about whether the madness I am doing, well planned insanity that kept me literally going all this while...would be at all worth anything? I mean, I've never been this mad in life. Mad as the hatter would be an understatement. In my dreams also I have been organizing and color-coordinating jewelry and planning makeup. Mehendi covering 75% of both my hands, it is my own marriage or what? Yes, I was that hyper. Let me tell you, being depressed, lazy and crazy at the same time is not easy. It was like, I need to find my bangles and make up box. I found the bangles but didn't find the make up box. Wanted to put some blusher and eye shadow. But that's ok. I must have blushed anyways.
When I was finally ready, and traveling the short distance to the venue, seated in my car, I asked myself - couldn't contain the tension anymore - what if he doesn't get to see me at all? Just visits when I am busy somewhere else, has his dinner and leaves before we meet each other? Even this scary thought couldn't boggle me down. Just relax and remember that you've done your best - I told myself. I took a deep breath and virtually patted myself on the back - best of luck.
Luck couldn't have guessed last evening what actually would happen, it had no clue. When I saw him for the first time - I don't know if my eyes widened - way it usually happens when he manages to surprise me. Impeccably dressed in a black jacket and a white shirt underneath, with crisp collars. He's naturally handsome you know - not like me, who has to put in an effort to look good. So it was not very obvious to me about why he should make an effort. And throughout the evening both of us went on making that effort. Forget me. I would be attracted to the place where they were sitting, like iron to magnet. But he managed to surprise me at least on two occasions. Once when he was going on talking - almost to himself, yes you have been posting images at FB, I saw your mehendi...then quickly caught my eyes and fell silent. I pretended as if I had not heard him. Once upon a time he was liberal about his likes. Now he knows I follow him, and observe his likes, so he's become a little cautious. Last time he goofed up in the office - he said, I think I liked your post, when I immediately retorted - no you didn't, only 3 people liked, you were not one of them - and then I realized that it was not a very safe conversation to have...this time I was like - ah, the sequence continues.
The second time I could actually sense my eyes going wide. We had taken several photos by then, in each of them he had made it a point to stand beside me or behind me. This time the photographer asked us to regroup, so that the photo looks better. And I could hear him commanding his friend - go, stand in the other side. Gentleman wouldn't change his position at any cost. You know that typical feeling of your heart fluttering? The photographer made a strange laughing sound to make us smile. I looked up at his face to see whether he was being mocked at. He has this quaint expression crisis when his photo is being taken. He was standing behind me, he lowered his face to tell me that he got the same doubt. Our faces were so close that my fluttering heart almost took a flight to heaven. This is called living your dreams even when everything is imaginary.
And that's what brings about the stupor. Because nothing actually will change. Both of us are way too intelligent to know that. We are honest people. We are like each other. So we won't even proceed on a path where we cannot stay. Because what is the point in loving someone when the society will rip you apart and force you to hurt each other. I never understood this kinda love. Where you feel like telling the world about your love. I have always been shy and secretive. I have some favorite photos with my exes, once upon a time I had someone's photo as my laptop background too, but that's all past.
And how on earth do you tell the world when you aren't even sure about the fact? Still I didn't stop myself. If she wants, let her live life for a day. I updated my FB with photo after photo. A doubt nudging at the back of my mind all the time. What if it's some other girl he's groomed himself for? I am a girl after all. Over that, terribly bitchy (habits from my lady doggy life you see). I can't update my Whatsapp photo for obvious reasons. I had promised to myself that Nikhu would be my Whatsapp profile pic, laptop background and phone home screen forever. I won't forget my second son ever. As if I have forgotten the first one...
The stupor increases as the mehendi gets darker. They say it's a good omen, a sign of flourishing family life if the mehendi takes a dark shade in your palms. Imagine the futility of it in my context...
I want to set up the photo of the two of us as my tab background. I try to dissuade myself. As much incriminating data as my tab might have, it has a screen lock. I can't let someone guess my secret even without unlocking the phone. Please, I pleaded. Just for a day. But I knew it'd take a lot of resolve to change that ever. And every time I would glance at that pic (because my tab is almost an appendage to my body, when I am at home) - my heart would skip a bit. I shared the photo with my niece. This was her reaction...
Whatever you think, don't assume that I'd post our photo in the blog as well. No. At least not till I get a real photo of only the two of us. Not one cropped from a group photo. If ever that happens...
So what does the blog get, that FB doesn't? My bleeding heart, and this...
Ever heard of Cinderella breaking up her own party? Go home, you must be tired. It's late. Bye. Goodnight...
And the void in my life ensues again. Magic show is over...
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