Skewed thoughts and screwed up emotions...

I am becoming quite an intelligent chess player and a cry baby, a very puzzling combination. Actually I am saying intelligent but the software might be rubbish and anyways I am still in the casual mode (though this tutor thingy was not helpful at all and I have permanently turned it off). Now I have won once with black as well, it also feels quite nice to be able to draw almost lost games.

But yes. Why am I being a cry baby. Because I long for him to write to me. That time I had stopped thinking if I let it carry on situation will go out of control, but now I wish I hadn't. I really need to talk to him and spend some time with him. Nobody will understand my plight way he will. So it seems. Wish I could speak out.

Being a girl is a lot of trouble. They dream. Impossible dreams. And fight hard. To make them come true.

The second part:
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Actually I couldn't post this yesterday. Because a lot was left untold. And I didn't want the entry to look so encrypted. So today I promoted myself to the pro mode though difficulty level is still 1. Surprisingly I am still winning. Almost every game. Am I that good? Or is the software really bad? I don't know. But I have started enjoying chess. Because there's no way I can ever enjoy football, this is my only small tribute to my cutie pie lover boy. Lover boy who sulks and makes my life hell. Yesterday night for example. Everything was just going on fine. But suddenly my tab had no charge. And I had enough sleep. There was no way I could retire as yet. Sensing the imminent danger I started coaxing myself, come let's get a storybook from upstairs, it will take a minute. But no, I was well past that kind of brushing away my real feelings. Big fat teardrops accumulated in no time, and the silent crying went on for an hour. I just wanted to tell him what I have been facing. Not what I feel for him, but what I feel in general. About everything slipping out of my hand. And there being nothing that I can hold on to - in order to live.  And listen to his advice. Which tastes like शहद...so delightfully sweet that I can lap it up. As if he's 20 years older than me.

And then there's the imaginations. Connecting the non-existent dots. That he'd take me to a football match way Dev urged Maya to come with him. And not only that. Plans for decking up during the marriage - probably the only marriage ceremony which we'd ever attend together. Mehendi, maang-tika, heavy jewelry and lehenga. Things I have never done in my life. Because he is the only one on earth who has the heart to find me beautiful. And the tears just won't stop. Because the dreams are so so baseless.

Tonight I'm well insured. Things I have always loved to read. Because I won't be able to bear one more night like the last one.