The fragrance of the rose is maddening. I have never really slept with flowers beside my bed. Though it was a long time wish. Actually, I got a bit mad. I don't know why. I was ok. In the situation that I was in. Yes, I love someone. Yes, he cares for me too, may be in a different way, but definitely cares, more than the rest of the crowd. That was all there was to the story. But then came a moment when my state of mind freaked me out.
I don't know if I can call it paranoia. I felt I must preserve the rose. It is like a milestone. It symbolizes everything I ever believed in. It tells me that there can be a person who's my ditto reflection. In other words, a part of my soul. My true soulmate. Is this what is called mid life crisis? Whatever it be, I need some time to structure and sort this up. I am sure a time will come when I can laugh at this madness. But not now. Right now, this madness is precious.
I look back at my dreams. What were they, exactly?
That he would respond to me in taglines? I don't know if he did. It seemed to me he did. And then I discovered that they are songs. Does that take anything away?
That he would give me a birthday gift? He did. Not well wrapped up, as I had imagined. He gave me a flower and a chocolate in front of everyone.
That I practice chess in secret? That he might have glanced at my mailbox and known that I maintain a draft of the moves in order to learn better? How does it matter if he did or didn't?
And then his photos. And the way he looks at me. My God. Even if all is my imagination then also I must be a really imaginative magician.
The biggest trouble is my mind. How do I hide it from him. And from the world. I can't pretend. I can act very well, but I don't know how to pretend. And it feels as if the world is just waiting to pounce upon me as soon as this secret comes out in the open. Everyone seems to be the enemy of my happiness.See my paranoia?
I have never ever felt this much of a need to take my blog offline. This is something I can't tell anybody. Not my best friend. Not my daughter. They are the only people who know about this person, but I can't discuss him more than that.
I think the problem lies in the fact that I was unusually happy on my birthday. I feel I will never have a happier day. And if ever life throws it my way, an even happier day, I feel I should run away, before everything would get spoiled. I cannot get into a habit of happiness...it doesn't suit me.
But oh, how much, just how very much I want to keep on staying in this mode...
How on earth can I even expect him or anyone else to understand this? When I am rolling my eyes at myself :(
I don't know if I can call it paranoia. I felt I must preserve the rose. It is like a milestone. It symbolizes everything I ever believed in. It tells me that there can be a person who's my ditto reflection. In other words, a part of my soul. My true soulmate. Is this what is called mid life crisis? Whatever it be, I need some time to structure and sort this up. I am sure a time will come when I can laugh at this madness. But not now. Right now, this madness is precious.
I look back at my dreams. What were they, exactly?
That he would respond to me in taglines? I don't know if he did. It seemed to me he did. And then I discovered that they are songs. Does that take anything away?
That he would give me a birthday gift? He did. Not well wrapped up, as I had imagined. He gave me a flower and a chocolate in front of everyone.
That I practice chess in secret? That he might have glanced at my mailbox and known that I maintain a draft of the moves in order to learn better? How does it matter if he did or didn't?
And then his photos. And the way he looks at me. My God. Even if all is my imagination then also I must be a really imaginative magician.
The biggest trouble is my mind. How do I hide it from him. And from the world. I can't pretend. I can act very well, but I don't know how to pretend. And it feels as if the world is just waiting to pounce upon me as soon as this secret comes out in the open. Everyone seems to be the enemy of my happiness.See my paranoia?
I have never ever felt this much of a need to take my blog offline. This is something I can't tell anybody. Not my best friend. Not my daughter. They are the only people who know about this person, but I can't discuss him more than that.
I think the problem lies in the fact that I was unusually happy on my birthday. I feel I will never have a happier day. And if ever life throws it my way, an even happier day, I feel I should run away, before everything would get spoiled. I cannot get into a habit of happiness...it doesn't suit me.
But oh, how much, just how very much I want to keep on staying in this mode...
How on earth can I even expect him or anyone else to understand this? When I am rolling my eyes at myself :(
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