A third hate post...

I am just terribly upset today. Not only that, I am furious. I have never been so angry with myself. I know I don't have any luck. I know that in my life, it's only common, that things should go wrong. And I know the unwritten rule very very well, that I am not supposed to be happy. But still I try. And I only manage to worsen my condition.

I don't want to write what happened today. I was fuming all day. I came back and wanted to write, and the laptop won't start. After a while it started, and something started typing \\\\\\ wherever the cursor would be. I still don't have a clue though. I am tired of attending to this laptop. Since last year October it hasn't allowed me a moment of peace. Something or the other would go wrong with it. That time I somehow had the patience. Now I don't even have it.

You know what. I am a stupid idiot. I think of people. I feel inclined to share my happiness with them. I intend to say sorry even if I have done nothing, just imagining that the other person is pained somehow, because of me. I should stop doing these things. And I should, first and foremost, stop expecting from people. I should start learning to stay alone. I should stop trying to make myself happy. I cannot be happy. Period.

I remember that song from the Dev Anand movie (I guess Hare Krishna Hare Ram) - phoolon ka taron ka sabka kehna hai... it had a line...Jeevan ke dukhon se yun darrte nahi hai...I am not afraid...what pains is...when I am fighting continuously, every single moment, wherefrom do more troubles come? That's what frustrates me.

I shall stop being friends with anybody on earth. If friends are like this, I don't need any. Firstly I don't have anything to be happy about. Then, as soon as I have discovered some pseudo happiness, I go out to share it with everyone. I am perhaps the dumbest girl on earth. I hate everyone. Please don't come near me, any of you.

I am ok if I lose my job. Everyone is cheating anyways. I am tired of this life. I am really really tired. One thing I have realized, so long as I live, there is no respite. Why the hell is dying not an option.

I have made up my mind. From today onwards, I won't act like a good girl. If I dislike someone, I should say in the face. This craze I have, of being good to everyone, is spoiling my damn personal life, and not helping in anything else.

I hate people who do not understand me. God, please do one small thing for me. Don't make such people turn up as my friends :(