If at all I am ever asked, what is the most painful thing on earth for me, I'd answer, it's reading Before I Forget. Reading it gives me the realization, that my world is no more our world, as it used to be...everything has changed now...it becomes unbearable. I ask myself, why am I living. And console myself, saying I have a lot of money. Lot of money huh? Do I even know the meaning of lot of money? What I have now, he had in 2007 only, that too as a kind of cash reserve. We used to discuss finance that time, God only knows why. Finance as in, personal finance, buying house, buying car, this that.... I don't try to find reasons. I never ask, why? Fine, I accept that those things happened. Now, when they don't have any relevance whatsoever, why do I drag those memories?
Everything in life should follow Newton's third law right? Action should have a reaction. Balance should be the motto of the world. 1 kg of potato should be balanced against 1 kg weight. When the shopkeeper hands it over to me, I should pay him some 20 odd bucks. Or say, if I give 1 Euro to Western Union, I should get back some 60 odd bucks. Or probably if I eat 3 ice creams, I should sneeze 10 times. This is what you mean by balance. Then, I must admit, our relationship doesn't have ANY balance.
I loved him. Balance would have been, if he loved me back. Current situation is, I only imagined his affection. Fact is, today is the sixth month we haven't had any interaction of any remote kind. Straight away, this condition is not a balanced one. I am sad. Yes. That's why I wrote such a great deal. But what's the use. Venting out my grief is not a solution. Convincing myself that I was wrong, is. To convince myself, I have to tell that I was wrong in recognizing my soul mate. I have been stupid. I have been an impractical fool. I know all these. But still I continue living in counted days. I tell myself, so long as I don't finish entire Ganer Opare, I can live for that. I can live for encashing my Euros when the rate goes a bit more high. I can live to buy the sofa set for my house. Or the laptop. Or probably getting the car or bike will give me that sense of freedom, for which I can live a little longer....just small small chunks of life...when will I get reason enough to live life at a stretch?
I miss that gaze of his eyes...his bear like brown eyes...and the curious look in it...that had this strange cooling effect. And his velvet voice...every time I'd read the Twilight series, that is one thing I can identify with...the voice and that piercing look. I read the first pages of Eclipse again and again. Pain has never been described in a better way. People don't understand why I am letting myself go through this. They won't. Only if Bella really existed, she'd have understood. But, Edward...dint marry another girl. Dint forget Bella for one moment, let alone for life time.
My pain loses its reason there. My man doesn't love me. Either he hates me so much that he got me out of his mind, or I have too less importance...though only 6 months back he had said, he'd call me, and would reply back to my last day mail. He lied? He probably did...There is no logic on earth that can prove me wrong. Then why am I doing this to myself? A last strange angle which I should mention here. I never feel a moment's bitterness if I'd be reminded in this context, that Andy also married another girl. I'd ask, so what? Whereas, if you think practically, there is much more reason to complain about that. We were kind of officially engaged for more than four years. The only thing I miss about Andy, is our bike rides and doggy talks. I never feel this fact that I was his girl, and I don't have him now. From the practical perspective, he is the one I should have missed more. But he is just another acquaintance with whom I am not in touch anymore. If you ask me to compare, I'll say it's ant bite compared to snake bite. Venomous snake that too. I am pretty much dead, for a man who has forgotten me...and never really cared to remember me...After writing so many paragraphs on analysis, this, remains an enigma...
Today, 19th May 2011, I promise, I shall stop finding answers to my questions. I shall tell myself, GET LOST...
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