Sraboner dharar moto poruk jhore....

Aaj sakale mon kemon korchhilo...aar odbhut duto gaan moner modhye ghurchhilo...

Aaamar haat dhore tumi niye chalo sakha... r Aamaro parano jaha chaye...

Contrast bolbo, naki eke aporer poripurak? Janina...

I love it when it rains. Rain washes away the last bit of pale color your life takes on. I got wet today, its been raining almost alternate days, and purposely I won't be carrying my umbrella. But everyday it'd deceive me some way or the other. Never give me the opportunity to get wet. Either it'd start early, or late. Today it was raining just at the right time. 6:30 - 7 in the evening, usual time when I leave office. And it was not a drizzle mind you. I was not soaked...but was reasonably wet. I felt so so rejuvenated. Forgot all the unhappiness of yesterday.

It's just the amount of time required, to swim and reach the other side. More you are scared of the waves, more your journey gets deferred. And why defer a journey that is inevitable? Finally it's all about, whether you can conquer the waves or not.

Yesterday's tears didn't go in vain. I felt him so so near me all day today. And moreover this rain. I feel that so long as it keeps raining, I will somehow manage to live :)

To end up, let me quote a hilarious chat with a kid from my trainee batch (she doesn't know much hindi) - anyone can well understand to what extent I have gone nuts...

5:51 PM Bindhu: hello

me: hi

Bindhu: wazup

me: kabhi kabhi

unse baat karne ki

bahut ichha hotihai

translate this in english

5:52 PM Bindhu: sometimes i get the feeling to talk to him

5:53 PM correct?

5:54 PM me: more or less

sometimes I feel this intense desire to talk to himwould have been perfect

Bindhu: bcoz i did the transaltion

Bindhu: but see i did it myself

me: good gal

Bindhu: :D

me: :)

Saat khoon maaf...

Well...many people have told me, that they couldn't stand the movie, couldn't endure it, couldn't live through it. I being a more or less gentle soul, perhaps would have felt the same. But I have seen Vishal's Maqbool. Undaunted. And then I was in the weakest state possible. And in my fierce-most self. So I could watch the entire movie at a stretch. And appreciate it.

Many people would reject it outright because they would find it impossible. I didn't. I haven't suffered to her extent. But I have suffered. Things I never deserved have happened to me. I can understand her.

Revenge is something that is not in my blood. I am a weak-minded girl. It's only in my mind that I wanna see myself happy. In actuality, I want everyone else to be happy, be it a friend, or an enemy, but definitely not me. What makes me vulnerable, gullible is...you know what it is. I don't want it.

I did a mistake today. A grave mistake. I wanted to tell someone. I chose the wrong person. I tried to speak the truth. But the truth came out. I know it was the truth, and that's why I deleted the entire conversation...not at all out of sudden wrath. It is reason enough for anyone to get hurt. I am an ugly old girl. But if someone comes and tells me...that so and so miss world is better looking than you, I shall get hurt all the same.

What truth? I have asked this question earlier also. In how many forms does it exist? I didn't and I don't. This is my life. I accept it as it is. Without any hope of miracle.

She gave a fight, and finally repented. I didn't give it a fight, and I repent. But in one way both of us are same. We are the final losers. Because we had faith.

This role couldn't have been done by anyone else on earth. Hats off Priyanka :) Meghna Mathur only made me think all night, what would Susanna do? A kid from my trainee batch told me that day, that the world is a bad place, but not so bad. I insist that the world be bad for me. I am more afraid of light than of darkness. I remember that Friday. The pain of uprooting. The unsuppressed tears. Month of June, 5 years back and month of July, 1 year back. I don't want any part of it back. I am done with all worldly longings. Let me live without a soul. I am scared of laughter.

Anger, is the best expression of love. I was not angry on anybody else today. I was angry with myself. I love myself a lot. I can see myself in pain, but I don't want to die.

Vishal's music is as usual, enthralling. I am sorry, I didn't really notice if Vishal is the music director. But...it has the Vishal like charm to it. Why does Vivaan Shah act like Devanand? The only problem with hindi movies is perhaps the sensor board. Takes away life from a movie. When you are telling such a kind of story, you need to show the horror to a much greater extent. When will the Indian audience grow up?

Life is beautiful. I don't have your husband, your kid, still I believe in your philosophy. I, who is bullied at the hands of destiny, every now and then. I agree with you. Life is indeed, beautiful. Some people are just not allowed to see its beauty :)

A third hate post...

I am just terribly upset today. Not only that, I am furious. I have never been so angry with myself. I know I don't have any luck. I know that in my life, it's only common, that things should go wrong. And I know the unwritten rule very very well, that I am not supposed to be happy. But still I try. And I only manage to worsen my condition.

I don't want to write what happened today. I was fuming all day. I came back and wanted to write, and the laptop won't start. After a while it started, and something started typing \\\\\\ wherever the cursor would be. I still don't have a clue though. I am tired of attending to this laptop. Since last year October it hasn't allowed me a moment of peace. Something or the other would go wrong with it. That time I somehow had the patience. Now I don't even have it.

You know what. I am a stupid idiot. I think of people. I feel inclined to share my happiness with them. I intend to say sorry even if I have done nothing, just imagining that the other person is pained somehow, because of me. I should stop doing these things. And I should, first and foremost, stop expecting from people. I should start learning to stay alone. I should stop trying to make myself happy. I cannot be happy. Period.

I remember that song from the Dev Anand movie (I guess Hare Krishna Hare Ram) - phoolon ka taron ka sabka kehna hai... it had a line...Jeevan ke dukhon se yun darrte nahi hai...I am not afraid...what pains is...when I am fighting continuously, every single moment, wherefrom do more troubles come? That's what frustrates me.

I shall stop being friends with anybody on earth. If friends are like this, I don't need any. Firstly I don't have anything to be happy about. Then, as soon as I have discovered some pseudo happiness, I go out to share it with everyone. I am perhaps the dumbest girl on earth. I hate everyone. Please don't come near me, any of you.

I am ok if I lose my job. Everyone is cheating anyways. I am tired of this life. I am really really tired. One thing I have realized, so long as I live, there is no respite. Why the hell is dying not an option.

I have made up my mind. From today onwards, I won't act like a good girl. If I dislike someone, I should say in the face. This craze I have, of being good to everyone, is spoiling my damn personal life, and not helping in anything else.

I hate people who do not understand me. God, please do one small thing for me. Don't make such people turn up as my friends :(

Mango Madness :)

I spent a very happy day yesterday. I feel compelled to write about it. I really admire Karthik for the kind of person he is. He can wrench out the last bit of life and happiness from any kind of situation. Yesterday it seems as if I had my first ever day long party. I laughed like crazy.

First observation was my sudden decision to cancel the cooking program I made with another friend. That might be because I am basically lazy. I didn't want to walk all the way, for about 3 km and then cook and then again come back after lunch. Karthik made it so much easier. He forbade me to do anything until he arrives. He put up with my overcrowded house (though he seemed a little upset with the extent of disorganization), and my rather lethargic brother who showed his indifference quite clearly. We cooked a simple meal, where I really didn't put any effort at all, and ate happily.

The evening was even funnier. As is my habit, I tried my best to make the situation gloomy, telling the thousand depressing incidents of my life. He made me laugh at the end of each of these anecdotes. I had a laughing draught as if... I simply couldn't stop. For dinner we went to a rather crowded restaurant, since I had chosen the place, I was feeling rather awkward. He just mentioned that he loves observing people, and the rest of the time went past in our discussion and analysis about the people there.

You know what, the world needs more people like him. God bless him. And as for me, I am not a bit repentant that I cancelled the other plans. For once I should stop feeling guilty and depressed about everything. The happiness still lingers :)

I am back to my usual routine of reading today. Reading parallely, some Poirot and some Chicken Soup :) Plan to watch Saat Khoon Maaf, being a great fan of Vishal Bharadwaj. But it needs a lot of patience. I am yet to get back in that mode. The next 3 weeks will be lazy, to say the minimum. I plan to do a lot of things. In a well organized manner. And relax a lot. I know that I still live in chunks. It's ok. I am happy that I shall live at least another month. I was in a nice singing mode yesterday. And all I sing these days are of course, Rabindrasangeet. Like "Gaye aamar pulak lage", "Ektuku chhoya lage", "Aamar mallika boney" :) Don't laugh, it's just like that.

Kachhe je ashito...se to ashite na chaye....

If at all I am ever asked, what is the most painful thing on earth for me, I'd answer, it's reading Before I Forget. Reading it gives me the realization, that my world is no more our world, as it used to be...everything has changed now...it becomes unbearable. I ask myself, why am I living. And console myself, saying I have a lot of money. Lot of money huh? Do I even know the meaning of lot of money? What I have now, he had in 2007 only, that too as a kind of cash reserve. We used to discuss finance that time, God only knows why. Finance as in, personal finance, buying house, buying car, this that.... I don't try to find reasons. I never ask, why? Fine, I accept that those things happened. Now, when they don't have any relevance whatsoever, why do I drag those memories?

Everything in life should follow Newton's third law right? Action should have a reaction. Balance should be the motto of the world. 1 kg of potato should be balanced against 1 kg weight. When the shopkeeper hands it over to me, I should pay him some 20 odd bucks. Or say, if I give 1 Euro to Western Union, I should get back some 60 odd bucks. Or probably if I eat 3 ice creams, I should sneeze 10 times. This is what you mean by balance. Then, I must admit, our relationship doesn't have ANY balance.

I loved him. Balance would have been, if he loved me back. Current situation is, I only imagined his affection. Fact is, today is the sixth month we haven't had any interaction of any remote kind. Straight away, this condition is not a balanced one. I am sad. Yes. That's why I wrote such a great deal. But what's the use. Venting out my grief is not a solution. Convincing myself that I was wrong, is. To convince myself, I have to tell that I was wrong in recognizing my soul mate. I have been stupid. I have been an impractical fool. I know all these. But still I continue living in counted days. I tell myself, so long as I don't finish entire Ganer Opare, I can live for that. I can live for encashing my Euros when the rate goes a bit more high. I can live to buy the sofa set for my house. Or the laptop. Or probably getting the car or bike will give me that sense of freedom, for which I can live a little longer....just small small chunks of life...when will I get reason enough to live life at a stretch?

I miss that gaze of his eyes...his bear like brown eyes...and the curious look in it...that had this strange cooling effect. And his velvet voice...every time I'd read the Twilight series, that is one thing I can identify with...the voice and that piercing look. I read the first pages of Eclipse again and again. Pain has never been described in a better way. People don't understand why I am letting myself go through this. They won't. Only if Bella really existed, she'd have understood. But, Edward...dint marry another girl. Dint forget Bella for one moment, let alone for life time.

My pain loses its reason there. My man doesn't love me. Either he hates me so much that he got me out of his mind, or I have too less importance...though only 6 months back he had said, he'd call me, and would reply back to my last day mail. He lied? He probably did...There is no logic on earth that can prove me wrong. Then why am I doing this to myself? A last strange angle which I should mention here. I never feel a moment's bitterness if I'd be reminded in this context, that Andy also married another girl. I'd ask, so what? Whereas, if you think practically, there is much more reason to complain about that. We were kind of officially engaged for more than four years. The only thing I miss about Andy, is our bike rides and doggy talks. I never feel this fact that I was his girl, and I don't have him now. From the practical perspective, he is the one I should have missed more. But he is just another acquaintance with whom I am not in touch anymore. If you ask me to compare, I'll say it's ant bite compared to snake bite. Venomous snake that too. I am pretty much dead, for a man who has forgotten me...and never really cared to remember me...After writing so many paragraphs on analysis, this, remains an enigma...

Today, 19th May 2011, I promise, I shall stop finding answers to my questions. I shall tell myself, GET LOST...

Emni korei jay jadi din jakna...

Couldn't help writing about the latest craze, West Bengal election results. To say the least, the result was inspiring. To the extent that I felt like going back...so that I could, in my own insignificant way, help Mamata-di build up a new Bengal. At least I am not like those "tyash goru" Bangali, who speak of Bangaliana and stay abroad. I love my sweaty, dusty, polluted, accident prone, overcrowded city. I haven't explored much more of Bengal, but I am sure I shall love that equally as much. I want to live with my parents. Teach them to live life, way I have learnt. What is to be gained in regular bickering, clash of words, daily household chores. Discover the subtle delights of life...give back a little to the society...in a day, make at least someone smile...

As of now, like a very selfish person, all I care for, is to make myself smile. Had a blast on Thursday. Had to go over to the other branch of our office to submit some documents. Met up with Smitha during the lunchtime, and shopped and ate and had total fun. After a long long time. Reminded me of the shopping sprees me and Anitha used to have. Yesterday was spent in election result analysis and celebrations. In between, I was given some modification of some flow diagram (they presume I am a multimedia expert)...took about half an hour to do it....and was appreciated and thanked profusely. The "excellent" grade seems to come cheap these days. Believe me, after coming offshore, haven't done any serious work as such. Guess this mood will go on till the time I am back from home. Buying a car is sidelined as of now, but still all in awe about Chevrolet Beat. Wanna get a couple of laptops. One for dad, one for myself. On second thoughts, only one should suffice. I will get one for myself. In August, after I leave, bhai can go and give it to dad. They can use it for a while. If they are comfortable, will get them a new one the next time I come back.

It rained yesterday. In fact its raining for the last two days. Thursday, it rained in the evening. Around 6. Yesterday, in the afternoon. Soon after lunch time. It continued for an hour or two. Luckily I have a window seat this time. Can see a huge old tree, and little bit of the sky. And when the wind hits the window panes, I can feel it. I can hear the raindrops on the glass. Soon after the rain stopped, we went down. Discovered a new bhelpuri walah. Ahh my first chat in 3 months. Spicyyyyyyyyyyyyy....I smelled the wet earth, and ate the bhelpuri....

Getting accustomed to Bangalore. Ganer Opare is accessible from here, though a bit slow. Writing the entry as yet another episode streams. Wish the traffic signal system was a bit more organized in Bangalore. Feel so scared to cross the roads. I can definitely find lesser number of street dogs this time. However I find a new camaraderie among them. A herd of 7-8 doggies sleep on the roadside when I come home, around 8 or 9 in the night. They don't quite sleep, they snooze. Perhaps the intention is to give each other protection. In the morning also, I can find doggies quarreling by the bin side, yet I noticed something wonderful as well, yesterday. Two grown up dogs were feeding from a bin, they gave way to a kid doggy. Absolutely love these gestures.

When was the last time...

You used to say...where did you go away? I miss you every moment...jahan bhi raho...bus khush raho aap...

I surprise myself in so many ways, you know. When I go for fully vegetarian meals all of a sudden, and hear out the names...spring dosa, chinese bread pakoda, raj kachori chaat, dahi vada and kesar falooda (yummyyyyyy - but don't think I ate everything...shared it with bhai also), buy myself a pink nail polish (OMG), a fluorescent green flowery earring (God help me...but ahem...there was same pattern in fluorescent orange as well...I managed to divert my mind from that), smilingly fight with an autowallah and convince him to take me home in 20 Rs...you know, you should see me to believe this. For the first time in my life, I am being myself. I am happy the way I am. Things are going smooth in life. My previous PM was good enough to mail me that the project I was handling, went through testing with "decent enough quality". That's two successes in a row.

Of course I know how temporary this is. I know I cannot have a smooth life. So I am not at all tempted to change my general state of mind - being disinterested about everything. But for some strange reason I feel confident. I feel less weighed down. I don't worry as much as I used to...

Tukro kore kachhi
Aami dubte raji achhi...aami dubte raji achhi...
Tomaar khola haway...

Want to get my driving license. I am not fully sure, but somehow I feel, this driving thing will make my life better. Bring in some speed. I don't really care about petrol prices on the rise. All I care about is...not hitting street doggies and ya...humans as well...but anyways...I need the openness. I am tired of buses and auto rickshaws. May be a year...or two. I won't take too expensive a house...and anyways it's gonna be a rented one only. If I lose the job (or simply decide to leave the job), I vacate the house, sell off the car and go back to Kolkata. Actually why sell off. I shall keep the car. In Kolkata I shall start my business, or probably take up a job of teaching or administrative work. Anything is fine for me...I am capable of doing a multitude of things. I shall live bossie, I wanna live. I don't feel lonely anymore. Whenever I am successful, people show their confidence in me...I can feel you standing by my side. ...

now you are ML

shud manage all these chottu chottu things

Kitni badi hogayi hun nahi? Zindagi se ladte ladte aakhir jeena sikh hi gayi...(wah wah)

It started raining...see...this life...I shall manage...keep myself busy...in finding ways to survive. I shall enjoy life. Don't worry. But not beyond this life...you shall come back after that...won't you? When did you ever go away? That I ask you to come back? If you were not there, could any of these things happen?

Achhe se nayan taray...alok dharay...tai na haray...
ogo tai dekhi tay jethay sethay...takai ami jedik paane...
praner manush achhe prane...tai heri tay sakal khane...

:) :)

In life you can not have two minds, you must know what you want...

When I am in a good mood, and you ask me how often I get angry, I shall give you a sweet smile and say, I seldom get angry...

But the truth is, I get angry very easily. I get angry whenever I see wrong, unfairness. That is just a coincidence that most unfairness happens to me. I get equally agitated at unfairness to others.

I wanted to see what the company does for me, now that I have done my work successfully enough. To sum up,
1. I won't be allowed to keep the office laptop - which would have helped a lot in my work.
2. I would actually get LOP for the 4.33 days extra. This is a new policy and was not even communicated - just the same repetition of the reasons I left my previous company.
3. Worst thing is, I am not really going home only for personal reasons. I am going for official work as well, to get police clearance for the work permit thing. No leave for that
4. And you know what. In my company, if you land in India at 9 AM you get a leave for the day. But if you land the previous day, you don't.

Ok. I went to indigo site. Told myself, just 750 bucks. All your problem is solved. No LOP. You get to attend the training. And your stay at home is just 8 days less. I was almost going to submit the changed booking, when I stopped myself.

1. I needed rest yesterday. Just couldn't have made it to office. Needed to watch Gaaner Opare, do some cooking, and spend a more or less lazy day at home, just to convince myself, life won't be that bad at offshore. I needed to avoid the sun, needed to calm myself down. I need a lot of comforting these days. Almost to the extent of pampering. Only reason I took leave yesterday, was to attend to that. And I am sure, nothing is more important to me, than Gora singing "Aamar sakal kaanta dhanyo kore...phutbe phool phutbe..."
2. Why should I skip my trip home, or even shorten it. I have done it before for this stupid company which won't even give me a due promotion. As also for the company with which I was serving a notice period. I split up my trip home last time. This time I have to again shorten it. Why the hell? If I deserve anything on earth, I deserve the company of mom and dad, the cozy recluse of my home. Can anything else be more important, more worthwhile?
3. To hell with money. Let them siphon out my money. That doesn't make me any poorer. Now I have the confidence that I can survive anywhere. And even if I don't survive, please let's live now.

I won't do anything now. Just sit quietly. Spend the remaining 12 days. Then go home. Whoever said in my childhood, that I will have to struggle for anything and everything in life, was dead wrong. I stop struggling from today. What have I got to lose? Job? Money? Onsite? Travel? Doesn't stand beside mom's food, or writing silly poems in dad's notebook. I love my parents, and here I come :)

Thank you

I know I have never thanked you enough...but today you proved...you were always there...

Aamar kajer majhe majhe...kanna dharar dola tumi thamte dile na je...

The initial joy has died down. I gave a search in gmail and saw our chat log..

kal... feedback mil gaya..."very satisfied"

I know I can never become like you. You are a real genius...for me this is just fluke...but whatever...this one time...your girl has proved to be as per your expectation.

Can I tell you what comment I got? I wanted to mail you...but then I thought...I shouldn't...disturb you. I am out of your life forever...I just couldn't justify to myself any reason, that I could send the mail. Except that you'd be very very happy...happy as you haven't been for a long time now...why do I think such things? Why do I even assume you are not happy? Why am I such a sadist?

I got an all 5 rating. 5 in everything. 5 was the highest rating, and it meant outstanding. You'd have been so so proud of me...it's not my success, it's your success. I miss you. After such a long time I have really been happy, and I miss you terribly. Happiness is no happiness till I share it with you...can I tell you something...it is not only hard, it is impossible to hold a candle in the cold November rain...at least talk to me once...if you don't talk to me soon enough...just..just...talk to me once...let me tell you about this...let me send this mail to you...let me make you happy once...please...I live for you...can't you do this much for me?

Emptiness...

I loved Prague. I don't want to go back. As I was buying souvenirs today, the emptiness suddenly struck me. Had been so so happy in my own world for these three months. The house felt like a home. I could call people. Spent a lot of time in arranging things and keeping the room clean. I cooked as well, regularly that too. Life didn't have much strain. I am never strained by work. If I am ever strained by anything, that is when I do not like my surroundings. Be it a person, or a place.

I have got almost everything I wanted. Even the beer mug miniatures. One I shall keep, one I shall give to dad. Though I never witnessed, I have often heard stories about dad getting drunk :) Dad gave up drinking the day I was born :)

And I got great many chocolates. I am sure and certain dad will like the dark chocolate I got for him, much more than the one Anand got. Was not a bad trip after all. Met new people, saw new places, but most of all, spent some time with myself.

Closing speech now. Main learnings from this tour:
1. Never mock anyone. Only because you feel so, someone doesn't become an object of mockery.
2. It is ok if someone doesn't love you back. If you like loving the person, you get your reward.
3. A clean, airy and well lit room brings about a surge of positivity.
4. Facebook is not the best outlet for your emotions and thoughts. Blog is much better.
5. Be honest, you don't run much risk, because most people like honesty.
6. Accept people the way they are. Everyone is tolerable. Some turn out good.
7. Lousy people are best dealt with when you assume they are non existent.
8. Bengali culture is worth delving, and I still don't know even the smallest fraction of it.
9. Don't try to make everyone happy. If someone is a true friend, love is showered without your asking.
10. Had I been trained in music, I'd have sung really well.

That's about it. Never say good bye :)

ei korechho bhalo....

:) :)

Na aaj kono katha na...aaj sudhu hasi...erokam ekta abostha kintu actually bhalo...kono kichhu te bhoy lagena...kono situation sammandhe apprehension ashena...sab kichhu enjoy kora jaye...dukkho pete pete emon ekta abostha ashe..sab kichhu tei hasi paye...

aaram r swechhachar er modhye difference ta janina...kintu ami eka thakte sikhe gechhi...sarata din katano emon kichhu sanghatik asubidhakor mone hoy na...kono ekta bhabe kete jaye...amio bodh hoy hariye giyechhi...jebhabe Gora hariye gechhilo...Pupe chole jawate...

aabar Gora r Pupe...sabai bhabbe...meyetar r kono kaaj nei...nei i to.,..maa-r i majhe majhe mone thakena...je aamar ganer opare baad diye r kichhu bolar moto topic nei...maa-r to kato kaaj...lau ghanto banano...baba kalyani gachhe...phirchhe na bole tension kora...brishti hole chhate shukote deoa kapor tule aana....baar baar loadshedding hochhe keno...dida-r khabar deoa...sansar thaka r na thaka r modhye ki akash pataal tafat na...

bhabbe ami banglay likhi keno...dukkho hochhe...kauke bolte chai to engriji tei likhte pari...anek beshi chance loker parar...bojhar...samobedona jananor....jadi tai chai...

chai na to...ami karo kachhe kichhu chai na...bishesh kore bangali der kachhe to kakhonoi na...just nijer bhashay katha bole anondo pai...ami kono solution chai na biswas karo...ami erokam i...barabarer herey jaoa public...haar take meneo ni...tai kono bhabe beche thaki...ami achiever na...go getter na...konodin hoteo parbo na...kintu er bhalo side ki? ami r kono kichhu ke bhoy paina...bhoy ta ekdam chole gachhe....kintu keno jani dukkho pai...keu aghat dile...katha na bolle...dukkho pai...ki majar byapar...edike ami to kato janer saathe ichhe kore katha boli na...se byapare kichhu na...

pagoler prolaap r bokte parchhi na...kichhu bhalo lagchhe na...9ta baje...biliti lokjon ei samay nagad ghumiye pore r sakal sakal othe...

My triumph...

It rained...it finally rained...I really can't put in words the turmoil I was going through since last evening. I was dead tired when I returned home, wept a little to myself, and fell asleep. Didn't even wake up for dinner. The morning was even worse. I was in a semi dazed state...and was going through a nightmare. Can't describe it in exact words, but it meant, I am trying my best to conceal my pains from my parents, from my near and dear ones, and I am failing miserably. The failure came out in the crudest possible form. I remember that at the end, it was near about 8 in the morning, I was gradually waking up, I started crying, taking your name. Don't do this to me...talk to me once...just for once...

It rained you know. All day I was trying to put myself together. Washed the clothes, cleaned the utensils, made some quick sweet dish for myself, some fried lunch, a creamy lukewarm glass of coffee, just the way I want...and gave my whole day to gaaner opare...

I was still disturbed...in fact towards the afternoon I became so restless once again, just couldn't comfort myself. Wanted to go out. Got ready also...but then just didn't feel like it. Again came back on the bed. And you know what happened? It came inside my room. Crossing my balcony, my layers of curtains....the lightning. The thunder. And I ran, ran, ran...ran to the window in the hall. The roads were swept with rain. A real torrential rain. Just the way mom described...how it was raining today in Kolkata...Did it rain today in your place also? Did you see the rain? And did you remember me? Did you miss me like before...even for one moment? It has been 3 months in Praha, it never rained like this. Never did I hear thunder here. The rain was a mere meek, disciplined drizzle...always. Oh how I ran, as if I was running to you. Running in your arms. I got an answer to my questions. You still feel my pain. I have lost everything, can't lose this faith. Don't make me lose this faith...