So near to death, yet not able to die…because you are so beautiful…

How can someone be so strikingly beautiful? How can someone not change…even by a wee little bit…in all these years. I remember Edward, I remember Bella’s fear…of growing older than him…growing very very old beside him – the evergreen person.

Now of course I don’t have such a fear. I don’t have the right to grow old with him. But still…I am overwhelmed. I never thought I’d meet him again…all these days…in desperation…I wanted to see him…see him just once…for one tiny little while…

Strangely I remembered Rajkahini today in the morning. All of a sudden….with no context whatsoever. I remembered Subhaga…I remembered Gayeb and Gayebi…I remembered Aditya, the Sun God. The first time she met him….he said…you can see me only one time….next time you call me…you die. And gave her twins, a son and a daughter. When they grew up, when Gayeb wanted to know his father…he questioned his mother’s purity…she had to call him again…call her life…call her death.

And thus you came…sealing my fate. My doubts, my questions. Whether things should change…whether I can give up. Now I have to give up. Accept my fate…whatever it be…and wait for that afterlife. An afterlife where I share you with nobody. Where I am at least a little more beautiful…to be able to stand by your side. But you know what…I know that you never bother about whether I am beautiful or not. What you are to me, I am to you. May be you are sitting in one corner now…and thinking…doesn’t she change ever? She stills looks like the plump doll she used to be.


Emotions and visions come running to my mind. The last time we met…when was it? Some two years back…more than two years. Shall we meet again? Do we get some time to sit and talk? You know my state of mind?

- So near to death, yet not able to die…because you are so beautiful…