I have never ever been so embarrassed...
I didn't do much work today - but the maid has been complaining about the tap of the basin in our room not working...so I decided to write to the maintenance department. I wrote this long enough letter and sat back and started relaxing again. You don't know the work culture at my university. People avoid work like plague. So I was sure that it'd take at least a week for the letter to be even noticed by the concerned people. But lo and behold, two plumbers knocked at our door not even half an hour later :O
They were going on with their work and I was engrossed in my own work, which was discovering those 20 odd html files in the Orkut dump which had his scraps. The others are of no consequence to me, though from a neutral point of view they looked pretty interesting. At least till that point in time I was having several admirers. Maybe they had just the simple inclination of being friends with me, but I had people who took out time to chat with me regularly. Strange guys whom I don't even remember (firstly I have this terribly selective memory, and then because of Anand's selfishness I forced myself to ignore and then subsequently forget and be forgotten by so many of my friends)...would talk paragraphs with me, would share their rather interesting or quite mundane thoughts or views on life...
So coming back to discovering the htmls, I first deleted everything except the 20 scrap htmls, and then realized that the system is not working. Of course I need to retain the essential files including the css, else it won't render. So having done even that, I realized I have nothing more to do with the day. There was a sound of water in the background but the guys were asking about the key for the terrace, so I assumed that they have gone off to check the water supply upstairs. I started telling the girl in my team about my philosophies, specially the ones I have recently gathered.
"So, you see, I really don't have any reason to live further...", I went on. "I have already done what I could do. I did some good work, at least some banks at some corner of the world must be running my code, if not design, and I have achieved whatever I could in my career. I don't think I have any more contributions to make professionally or that the world will give me a chance to do that. I can understand today why I was alive so long. I was alive so that I fully realize my love for this gentleman. Realize and recognize. Which I have done at long last...But at the same time I know that there is no way this can be taken forward. So it is best if I die now. There's no point in mere existence, right?"
The girl kept on listening to me quietly. Having finished my lengthy monologue when I looked up at her, daring her to contradict my thoughts, I suddenly realized that she was unnaturally calm and expressionless. I silently gestured to her, don't tell me the plumber guy is here? She helplessly nodded. OMG! I IMed her immediately - why didn't you warn me? She IMed back - I felt he wouldn't understand your rants anyways. After the tap was mended the guy was still suspicious. I had already decided that I won't sign at their work order. I had written the initial letter and signed as the manager, I simply couldn't let him know that I am that same manager who on one hand writes stern letters demanding prompt action and on the other hand is a love sick and death craving nut case. So the girl signed. He asked - whose is this stamp? I quickly replied, oh, this is the project stamp...He persisted, put that stamp on the work order...which we silently complied with. What did he think us to be? Crazy jerks who have taken control of the lab of a research project by killing the no-nonsense manager? ROTFL and rolling my eyes :D :D
But jokes apart, what I told her was true enough. I am so so tired with my attempts to live. There's no point really in continuously baring my wounds and showing my deprivation to the world. All the more why I feel this incredible urge to take this blog offline.
My entries are not the correct representation of me as a person. They make me look foolish, selfish and ignorant, perhaps depressed. They don't reflect the person I am, someone who discovers that there were 111 participants in the conference and solemnly declares, oh, that's the Nelson figure...I never show here how I read for 80% of the time I am awake and I know the latest data on politics, economics and technology. Each new invention, every plight that the world is facing. No, I never write on my thoughts about these things. I am tired of this whining and pining.
I don't even express my humor. I can make everyone laugh till their sides ache. I myself love to laugh a lot. People who don't know me, and have just read my blog will have a tough time digesting that. Yes I am headstrong and have wanted my life to work in the way I want - which didn't happen. But I have just gulped down my failures and spit the venom here. At times I so want to break free off this self imposed captivity of helplessness and negativity. Even if that costs me my life, I don't want to simply exist and be an object of universal pity.
I did some painting on my tab after a long long time. Does this tell you anything?
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