I can't write what I did today, neither can I die peacefully without writing it somewhere...
I did something for myself, and I am mightily happy about it... I will never again be able to blame myself for having ruined my life because of my whims.
Let me just clarify here that I am still quite scared about showing so much courage and listening to my heart. The Internet is off, I am not even sure if and when I'd be able to publish this entry. Maybe I have done something very stupid, but dammit, who on earth doesn't have a right to want to live...
And nothing is new. I have always told him everything. Gotten scolded, embarrassed him, whatever, I have never ever hidden anything from him. In fact I rediscovered my comfort level with him - as I went on with this nearly impossible task (like nearly headless Nick :P)
No, please give it a rest. I didn't propose to him. I did a near Rukmini act, but I didn't ask him to marry me. Please, spare me that kinda humiliation. I just told him, didn't even tell, just tried to express, through my words, that I need my best friend. And believe me, that is the entire truth. My love interest is a transient thing, nothing dependable. But at this juncture in life, I know it for certain that I can't survive without my dearest person. I had to reach out...
I have no idea if the message will even reach him. But this is all that I could have done. This far and no further. He might be someone's husband and I don't have any right on him. I have done all I could.
It'd have been a crime to pretend to him, so I didn't pretend. I just told him the plain simple truth in the way I wanted. It's for him to interpret it and take action as he deems feasible (such managerial language!)...
All I know is, if he doesn't interpret my words properly, nobody else would...but yes, of course he might have changed, it's been such a long time :) So rest is up to God (the God with the capital G)
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