Boo Hoo :(

Today was as disgusting as yesterday had been exciting. And it was all my fault. I have become very restless these days. I can’t wait for things to happen.

And things didn’t happen way I wanted. Yes our conversation continued, but in a bored sort of way. And I was just chirping on to my teammate (she’s a nice girl with whom I can be myself) just to hide the tension, or ignore it. I went on to show her photos of my various crushes on Facebook…starting right from the school ones (his profile made me kinda sad, it was full of his pictures with his sister – and I know for a fact how much he loved her – how do you let go of a person who just dies all of a sudden but won’t leave your heart?)…followed by the infamous Mr. Ena (oops didn’t know he’s got a kid), finally stole a glance towards my best friend’s profile (his daughter is so sweet) and went on with my commentary, “and Anand anyways doesn’t have a Facebook profile, or I don’t know if he has created a new one, never checked…” …while saying this, I just gave a search on his name and pat came up pictures of a dozen or so Anand, one of them, carrying a kid was very much the real Andy. I didn’t want my team mate to see the picture (as if she knows him by face and would recognize) and hastily deleted the search string. The picture list was wiped off instantly. But the pain…oh the pain that ensued. Not that I was jealous or something, with the knowledge that (I cringe at the crude language that comes in my mind)...I even tried to be saint like and think, why this might be my Rupai himself, who was tired of waiting for mum to get married and went to his dad, yet you know…for a long time, I couldn’t undo the damage done. Why are men so cheap? Why do crimes go unpunished? And, why, oh why, should I be left out…I who has wanted a kid if she has ever asked for anything from God? Andy's words sounded like a real mockery to me, "Who says you won't have a kid, you'll have the most beautiful kid on earth"...ya of course...

To comfort myself I went on to read chat logs with my bossie (the guilty conscience from yesterday, that I had forgotten one of his taglines, was still working in the background). And once again I recoiled – discovering the extent to which I have loved him, the extent to which he has acknowledged that love, and just kept me hanging. Brutal, if you ask me.

And the thing I wanted to work didn’t work. Towards the end of the day I had given up on it. But I remembered my list of conditions fleetingly…and laughed to myself. Once upon a time, when I was in college or at most in the university, I had prepared a list of qualities in my would-be husband – for him to be acceptable to me. It included mundane things like look (fair and good looking – I guess there was no constraint on height as my boyfriend then was quite short), he should be the topper in at least one discipline, he should be very honest and always speak the truth, should be a music connoisseur, so on and so forth. And as I examined his CV today (haven’t ever seen a crazier guy, who puts up personal stuff in Linkedin and the CV in Facebook – must be quite dynamic, no?), I was like, well, remember your list? Gosh, my school mates, some of them have achieved more than what is required to be termed as academic excellence. Well, I knew he used to be a good student, but I really didn’t remember that he’d been a ranker. And I knew nothing about his future achievements either (being a topper across all streams, patents and all, my God!). I was like, telling myself in the evening, well, if you like Hermione Granger, then this guy must be ok. 

Why am I bragging? As if it were my “someone special” in reality. No, I am not actually bragging. I am just trying to show that I usually fall for dinosaurs. Hugely extraordinary beings, quite rare, and given that they should essentially be single, you may even call them, on the verge of extinction. I think this gentleman was the last one…who would soon be lapped up (pardon my language…something is unhinged in my mind today, it is not being civil) by some young and beautiful bong girl, what chance is there for me? But I enjoyed falling in this “almost unspoken” (leave aside the fact that I have been vociferous and quite indiscreet about this in my blog) love for a day or two – it was the real me, after a long time. Not all of this is imagination either, I have been feeling him virtually for some time now (typically like Simran from DDLJ says, badalon ke peechhe se koi pukar raha hai) and there was this cute exchange of messages also (even though that died a natural death finally). 

Uff, Yash ji, we miss you…please come back and make another Yash Chopra romance for us?

Yes this could have been the perfect line to sign off today, but I had just one more question. I remember P.S. I love you…why can we not be candid like the westerners? Why do we need to keep our feelings to ourselves, feel shy and keep sighing?