Some nonsense...and more... :)

I can't explain why I don't feel like writing. I have just got into a routine sort of existence. The basis, on which I have lived on till now, the thing that has always kept me going on, was my bubble - the protective bubble my apparently foolish dreams had created. But then, however much irrelevant to practicality, those dreams defined me. And now I can't dream. I can't force myself to dream, because I am so convinced they would never be a reality. Imagine yourself to be shipwrecked and washed up on an uninhabited shore. I am in the state you'd be, when one day you finally realize, there's no rescue from here. You have been saved from death, but the price you pay is by losing your active social life forever. 

Well, what’s new in life that I am finally writing? Last week I happened to meet two friends…and walked around with them in the university campus. One is a mere acquaintance, a once upon a time batch mate, whereas the other has been a friend, an elder brother, though a bit strange and eccentric, but a caregiver all the same, for a long time now. It was he who told me this story of some Rango, who introduces his brother to someone, and is asked – but you are a snake and your brother is a lizard, and answers, well, our mother had an active social life. I have heard the same story twice mind you, from the same person at two different points in time…people get forgetful you see, as they grow aged. But surprising thing is that this “active social life” thingy stayed in my subconscious…

And I kept on thinking…what is it that gives me self-actualization? Not my job or career, not being rich, not being a socio-politically conscious person (and being utterly frustrated by modern day Bengal)…no these are no bliss to me. I love being romantic. That’s where my life begins and ends. And (as I was telling this guy too – well he’s among the few friends whom I can tell almost everything), because I am so hopelessly straight in my sexual orientation (hearing this he too said, kind of regretfully, me too), my romance can only thrive with a fellow human being of the male species.  If you come to think of it, it is quite easy really. We need to connect. Just get connected, that’s all. Me, and my male counterpart. When it would happen, if at all, is of course something I have no idea about. 

It is a good life when I am working (sigh…work in a typical Bong environment is worse than putting a bullet through your head), when my article is getting published in a newsletter (ahem) that is co-edited by me, when I am listening to my old favourites by Sonu Nigam from Dil Se, Mujhe Kuchh Kehna Hai or Deewana, when I am browsing through TOI or playing Candy Crush, or taking care of my stupid cat (My Talking Tom, whom I curiously call Boozie, and who is an absolute nut case – the greediest and laziest and what not that ever was), when I am gulping down the stream of swear words from a girl I meet at the university (who is my friend’s friend and that apparently is the way she speaks), even when I am speculating about the boy who used to sit in front of me during school exams (his roll number preceded mine I guess, or did he sit behind me?) and whether to make him my new romantic hero (he added me to FB and likes some of my photos…but isn’t this enough to fall in love???)…well till all these I am fine. Just fine. And then void sets in…when I have nothing more to do. Fear, threats, nightmares. Loneliness above all else. Oh why, oh why can’t I let my hair down? Why on earth don’t I have a friend…some friend, all the time? Why it’d be a walk or two eons away in time. I try my best to reach my time pockets, and never to let go. Never leave my bossie’s side. Never, ever end the walk with my best friend, he in his navy blue shirt, me in my peacock green salwar suit, listening calmly to his baseless scolding. Actually, I never miss bossie that much. I knew he would leave me, I knew it was not meant to be, I treasured the time spent with him, every moment of it. Never did I know I’d miss my best friend to this extent. If ever I want to relive any part of my life, that would be each moment of meeting him for the first time, discovering his talents, knowing him, being his best friend, being just proud and contented. What else do you need in a relationship?

In some fairy tale…long forgotten,

There stays a moment, where I lived…

I smelled of flowers, fresh and dewy,

I dreamed of a life that never deceived…

If ever he remembers, after my death,

It’s been some time since we last met,

Let him know of a heartbeat unspent,

Tell him, his girl…never liked to wait…

Tell him, his girl…grew old and weak,

Had her face lined with grief,

Yet, never gave up her urge for love,

That he would reach her, was her belief.

After a lifetime, if still it stays,

What kept it dormant? It’s been ages…

I literally get back glimpses of our time spent together (huddling in a staircase and reading my diary). I can actually see him rolling his eyes reading this poem, (if ever he does)...but then, he can take me in his stride, has always done that. 

Dear me, why am I after a married man? Is there no eligible bachelor left? Has he changed? Would I not like him if I meet him now? Ok, bedtime, good night...hiatus of two more months I guess, what do you write about an useless mess of a life?

Just as an after thought:

Dear Best Friend (once upon a time though, and I seem to be obsessed with you now),

I am sorry that I never realized I might have any love interest towards you during the time that we were together (hello, on second thoughts, did I not make you read a whole 10 pages entry on how we have not nurtured the tree of our love together, and hence it died?) I am sorry that I was bugging you all the time about the guy I was infatuated with right then, and asking you to solve my various relationship problems. But then, I have faith in you. I am ready to accept that if you, in all your wisdom, decided to marry someone else, you must have been sure that I am not the one meant for you. All the same, you did break your promise of not getting hitched till I get married. I don't really expect you to come back to me now, as I am so lonely. But can I be permitted to be a little romantic about you?  I don't really trust anybody else, and it is such a bad world out there, and I am scared of making fresh acquaintances. It doesn't seem like an intrusion if I love you, I don't feel like I am doing something out of turn. I have always loved you, haven't I? Please let me be a bit crazy, else I am dying in my self imposed hell hole of practicality and seclusion.

Can you tell me a simple thing? Why was it so easy to make friends then? Why is it so difficult to find someone worthwhile now? I wish a lot of things, but I can't word them well. So I am ending my letter here. I miss you...all the time.

And thanks, for making me cry after a long time, while writing this. Had become quite a zombie...

~The only girl you have met till date...whom you liked... (and then time out)