And his love for me!

Ananya wonders why I am not actively pursuing him. How do I explain to her. I am a very mundane, no-talent girl. I am a nobody beside a superhuman like him. Frankly, perhaps for the first time in my life, I am humbled, that this person even considers me as a friend. Not only does he consider, he...spends considerable time and energy on me, he dotes on me. And we gel well. Thankfully we never had a misunderstanding till now. I have shouted at him more than once, but he has taken it very calmly and soon forgotten. Nowadays what he shows to me can almost be termed as affection. What, can anybody ask for beyond this? I really don't know about anybody else, but for me, this itself is heaven.

My life is over, I am just a good for nothing person who has to somehow spend the rest of her days. If I can do this much, if I can at least put this person back in shape, and as far as I can see, I am quite successful in that, it will be a good deed done. I have never helped anyone, nobody probably ever benefited from me. People consider me selfish, and there might be a lot of truth in it. But this is the first person I have ever met in life, with whom I don't feel like being selfish. And how to be selfish D'bhai, when I am totally myself with him. I don't need to act. Words flow freely. I just bare my heart before him. We are two sad people who feel privileged to share each other's life and experiences. But that apart, I just don't deserve to stand beside him. His place is somewhere much much ahead of me. I can respect him, love him, but can't demand anything from him.

I practically amaze myself. I spend hours inside my room, wondering about this, shedding tears plentifully and being blissfully happy. Me and my problems will always remain. Let us not involve this angelic person in all that. Let him love me in his own sweet way, and he is free to get away from me whenever he chooses to...

My new friend...

Nice new friendship has sprung up here...it takes up lot of my time to write to him, but still I have some time left to myself to reminisce. He's brought a chunk of my lost childhood back to me. I remember the crazy stupid girl I used to be at school (as if I am not a crazy stupid girl anymore). And somehow the void is gone. The void, which I used to dread so much. I still dare not exploit it much, because you see, this might just be short lived. And I don't want to do any of the usual things I do...miss him, blame him, cry for him. He came at just the right moment, and he understands me just the right bit. But I might not be the right lady for him. So no regret. I just want to enjoy his friendship for the time being, be able to spin some dream, be enthused to listen to some music, to charge my iPod...that is a leap in itself...for a girl who almost died.

The walk together...

When you don’t get a solution you should stop thinking. Maybe that’s all I should do. Stop my stupidities, my burning curiosities, my habit of analyzing and dissecting every bit of a moment and trying to draw an inference, maybe I need to learn to leave things alone. To not try and predefine the track my life should take. And I should stop being judgmental. I should stop being negative, or for that matter being positive as well. 

No, this is your limit, don’t cross it. Don’t take any action. Don’t try and make yourself happy. You are supposed to live this way, zombie style. What you have done till now – that itself is outrageous. Keep some of your honor intact. You are a lady for God’s sake. Do not beg.

And I told him as much. I can’t beg. And I left it at that. It is not schizophrenia, even I believe so, like he does, but whenever I’ve been too insisting with my ordeals, he started talking vaguely and impractically, and I told him right away, that his suggestions don’t have any meat in them, which disturbed him further. I didn’t like the state he is currently in, though his real self glittered out once or twice, and I loved it.

You know D’bhai, all these while, I have hated my supposed soul mate. For not coming earlier, for not bailing me out of this terrible terrible life. I never thought that he’d be in as much need of me, as I of him. Oh, the vulnerability – I still can’t believe. I am one pillar of strength compared to him. But I finally managed to drive this in his head, that his situation is rather perceived. It is not the end of the world for him. He admitted that I am in a much worse condition. I don’t know what more I could have done. If we are soul mates, then, so far as I understand, our integrity matters a lot to us. So he won’t stop pursuing his current relationship, just because he has met me. And I cannot probably cause him more emotional turmoil right now – when he is already in a state of mental instability. I need to give him a lot of space and time, and I cannot be selfish. For once, let us not be selfish. 

And let's dissociate ourselves from this right away. I don't want a দীপ জ্বেলে যাই in my life. As much as I hate this current life, that, would definitely be worse...

Aah, placeholders don't remain so, and I can't even go back to my best friend now (even virtually). Is that going to be all?

Now what?

And now…I am really scared to write…দুষ্টুমি is good...pranks are good, but not when they backfire. 

And my hell bent stubbornness was by any means not good at all. It was as if I had to break the shell of this guy. Try as I might to act as if I don't know him, I do know how reserved he is. What have I gained by breaking his barrier and setting up a meeting. Beg, borrow, steal or kill, but just don't let him be evasive. Ok, so he stopped being evasive, he's agreed to meet me. Now what? Have I not invited someone to break my dreams in front of me, one more time?

There is no point denying this. I might like to live in my own bubble, but the rest of the world doesn't. Why had I to make such a fool of myself?

It was as if, I just couldn't let it get over, just yet. I was desperate. I must have sounded like that, pleading with him. Yet, trust me, I didn't plead. For the first time I have been myself, comfortably talked out my mind before someone. I was compelled to do that.

I don't know what happens now.  I don't even want to think. I was scared to read my previous entries today. Last week there was no trace of this...now a mountain seems to have sprung up from a molehill. Was I better off then or am I better off now? 

Tell you what, it is not easy for an Indian girl to behave like a westerner. I really don't know where from I gathered the courage. At least let me sleep happily tonight, with this sense of triumph :)

Ok we'll follow through with grief or happiness whatever chooses to come my way, for now - let us not speculate anymore.

My bossie's mantra is the key to everlasting serenity - Expectation...rakkho hi mat :)

Last night...

I had never felt such trepidation as I felt yesterday night. I was…like…ignoring Yahoo with all my might. I actually wrote my blog entry offline, and then just logged in to publish it. Consequentially, I thought it is only fair to check whether he has replied. But I could not. My hands went numb, I almost began to shiver. I had to pay my credit card and telephone bills, to steady myself I did that first. Yet there was hardly any improvement in the situation. I was adamant. I won’t log in. I didn’t analyze, way I usually do, about what might or might not go wrong, what he might have written, etc. I was just not ready to face this ordeal. I panicked. I need music, I said. I tuned in to some silly songs I have always liked, Chori Chori Chupke se from a stupid film called, Lucky, no time for love :( (believe me) and Pehla Pyar ka Pehla Gham from Papa Kehte Hai…and that calmed down my nerves. I finally logged in, and saw there was a reply from him. That calmed me down even further, but nothing would have prepared me for what he said in his reply. It started with…”I remember you have a strong backbone” and he went on to describe some incident at school which I couldn’t remember at all. The rest of the message was even more curious. He said he’d explain things when we meet (this was the first time a meeting was brought up) and that we’ll surely meet in some (mind you, some, not mine or your) marriage reception, in two months to two years time. He went on to talk about God playing with his life and his dislike for lawyers. Totally unrelated stuff, if you ask me. And I can’t even describe in words, how emotionally traumatized I felt after reading his message. I cried almost for an hour, till my eyes looked blood shot. Haven’t cried so much for quite sometime now. The simple explanation would be that he’s getting married and there is some issue about it, which is being solved by a lawyer. I am not sure if that deduction made me cry, or his warm and familiar tone. But afterwards, I wrote out a reply. Wrote whatever came in my mind, just put my vulnerability in words you may say. And I decided to be done with it right there and then, I didn’t care that it was 1:30 in the night, and I shouldn’t post something this late, to an apparently unknown guy's message box. I just wanted to wake up unburdened this morning. All I can say is, I haven’t felt so intensely for a while now. I still haven’t checked for his reply, if any, I don’t want to…

I put myself to sleep with Suman's songs after a long long time...it keeps coming back even now...

পাল্টে গেলি তুই, আমিও পাল্টে -

গিয়েছি মাঝ পথে হাঁটতে হাঁটতে...

বন্ধু কি খবর বল - কতদিন দেখা হয়নি...

It was like somebody has put a mirror in front of me...Mirror of Erised...from Harry Potter. It was nice, it felt good. I told him that too.

Some strange feelings...

If anything, I am grateful to him for bringing back in me this habit of writing, of trying to express myself. I got a wonderful thought today, a thought which probably only I can get. I was sitting idle this evening and missing my copy of “Unaccustomed Earth”, as I often do. And it just occurred to me that if ever I get married to him, I will ask him to write this mail to Boo.

Dear Mr. …

Could you please return my wife’s copy of “Unaccustomed Earth”? She feels about it as if it has life, and she really longs to have it back. And I am sure if it has life, it is not particularly enjoying itself at your place. You turned out to be a wrong person, not the one to whom she had intended to give it. Now would you be kind enough to return it to me, my address is…

A smile lighted up my face as I pondered over this strange strange thought. Was there anyone else whom I could ask to write a similar mail? May be Avik-da, if he was not so self-obsessed, may be Ananya, if she was not so lost in her own world. But why him?

Well, don’t get me wrong, I know it’d be over in a day or two, if it is not already over. But these few days, I have almost felt as if I got a friend whom I could trust. I was super frank with him, opened up to him in a way I would take ages to open up to someone else. Considering the outrageous thing I did today, I am sure I wouldn’t have done that with anyone else ever. I am shy, I am reserved, and although I get a bit carried away, whenever I am into one of my romances (may be a lot carried away in some occasions), but never do I taunt people, or actually express my anger with them, from day 1. I am coated with sugar or honey with my so called boyfriends in the first few days. I want to show my best. But not with him. Already, in my mind, I find myself telling him about my shortcomings, my failures, my futile dreams, my fears…if we ever meet. Nothing positive, no need to impress him. I am this screwed up person. Take me or leave me. I am running out of time.

Would you like to know what I did today? I am fighting with myself to not login to my Yahoo account. Yesterday, when I closed off the conversation with my first subtle taunt, I was sure he won’t reply back. Yet I kept checking from time to time to probably just convince myself that it is over. There was nothing…till late midnight, and I slept off. I resisted till lunch time today. And then, cursing myself, I checked again. There was no message from him. There was something else, a request for recommendation. It caused my blood to boil, I was angry and upset. And I taunted him to my heart’s content and wrote back to him. Trust me, I felt good, after doing this. Even though it was so unlike myself. I sang songs, romantic songs that too, and have been singing then throughout the day. I even felt this aching desire to listen to my iPod. Something I haven’t done for ages. And I haven’t checked for his response, since then. I don’t care or may be I do. I am happy that I spent a couple of days being myself, just because of his presence. I realized once again, just how precious I am to myself. I had stopped caring for myself you see. He showed me that I can still dream, no matter if it leads to yet another heartbreak subsequently. Imaginative though I am, 90% of this might be in my mind, but 10% is definitely his contribution.

And I just hope to God he doesn’t ever come across my blog…I am blushing crimson to even think what he’d think of me, if he reads all these. But I can't help writing about this. Some situations simply compel you...if you live for a day after ages of non existence, won't you like to talk about it?

Boo Hoo :(

Today was as disgusting as yesterday had been exciting. And it was all my fault. I have become very restless these days. I can’t wait for things to happen.

And things didn’t happen way I wanted. Yes our conversation continued, but in a bored sort of way. And I was just chirping on to my teammate (she’s a nice girl with whom I can be myself) just to hide the tension, or ignore it. I went on to show her photos of my various crushes on Facebook…starting right from the school ones (his profile made me kinda sad, it was full of his pictures with his sister – and I know for a fact how much he loved her – how do you let go of a person who just dies all of a sudden but won’t leave your heart?)…followed by the infamous Mr. Ena (oops didn’t know he’s got a kid), finally stole a glance towards my best friend’s profile (his daughter is so sweet) and went on with my commentary, “and Anand anyways doesn’t have a Facebook profile, or I don’t know if he has created a new one, never checked…” …while saying this, I just gave a search on his name and pat came up pictures of a dozen or so Anand, one of them, carrying a kid was very much the real Andy. I didn’t want my team mate to see the picture (as if she knows him by face and would recognize) and hastily deleted the search string. The picture list was wiped off instantly. But the pain…oh the pain that ensued. Not that I was jealous or something, with the knowledge that (I cringe at the crude language that comes in my mind)...I even tried to be saint like and think, why this might be my Rupai himself, who was tired of waiting for mum to get married and went to his dad, yet you know…for a long time, I couldn’t undo the damage done. Why are men so cheap? Why do crimes go unpunished? And, why, oh why, should I be left out…I who has wanted a kid if she has ever asked for anything from God? Andy's words sounded like a real mockery to me, "Who says you won't have a kid, you'll have the most beautiful kid on earth"...ya of course...

To comfort myself I went on to read chat logs with my bossie (the guilty conscience from yesterday, that I had forgotten one of his taglines, was still working in the background). And once again I recoiled – discovering the extent to which I have loved him, the extent to which he has acknowledged that love, and just kept me hanging. Brutal, if you ask me.

And the thing I wanted to work didn’t work. Towards the end of the day I had given up on it. But I remembered my list of conditions fleetingly…and laughed to myself. Once upon a time, when I was in college or at most in the university, I had prepared a list of qualities in my would-be husband – for him to be acceptable to me. It included mundane things like look (fair and good looking – I guess there was no constraint on height as my boyfriend then was quite short), he should be the topper in at least one discipline, he should be very honest and always speak the truth, should be a music connoisseur, so on and so forth. And as I examined his CV today (haven’t ever seen a crazier guy, who puts up personal stuff in Linkedin and the CV in Facebook – must be quite dynamic, no?), I was like, well, remember your list? Gosh, my school mates, some of them have achieved more than what is required to be termed as academic excellence. Well, I knew he used to be a good student, but I really didn’t remember that he’d been a ranker. And I knew nothing about his future achievements either (being a topper across all streams, patents and all, my God!). I was like, telling myself in the evening, well, if you like Hermione Granger, then this guy must be ok. 

Why am I bragging? As if it were my “someone special” in reality. No, I am not actually bragging. I am just trying to show that I usually fall for dinosaurs. Hugely extraordinary beings, quite rare, and given that they should essentially be single, you may even call them, on the verge of extinction. I think this gentleman was the last one…who would soon be lapped up (pardon my language…something is unhinged in my mind today, it is not being civil) by some young and beautiful bong girl, what chance is there for me? But I enjoyed falling in this “almost unspoken” (leave aside the fact that I have been vociferous and quite indiscreet about this in my blog) love for a day or two – it was the real me, after a long time. Not all of this is imagination either, I have been feeling him virtually for some time now (typically like Simran from DDLJ says, badalon ke peechhe se koi pukar raha hai) and there was this cute exchange of messages also (even though that died a natural death finally). 

Uff, Yash ji, we miss you…please come back and make another Yash Chopra romance for us?

Yes this could have been the perfect line to sign off today, but I had just one more question. I remember P.S. I love you…why can we not be candid like the westerners? Why do we need to keep our feelings to ourselves, feel shy and keep sighing?