I thought, if I happen to write today, I'd probably be writing about our meeting that happened 16 weeks later. But it seems, in actuality I'd be writing about something else.
You know, in the place where we went today, there was a water facility called "Tidal Wave". It is an usual swimming pool of varying depth, but at certain intervals, waves come over. I know very little swimming, the amount you can learn in two weeks training. But yes, I know how to duck your head and float up and avoid the tide sweeping you over. And since I love being in the water, I was loving this as well. As usual, I had tried almost all the water rides. And decided to visit the tidal wave pool one more time. The waves started lashing out, I started swaying with the motion, and suddenly, like a flying dagger might get stuck in your heart and you realize it has come to kill you, the memories came back. My world darkened. I just couldn't take it. That moment, all my happiness which I had accumulated so patiently in the entire day, ceased to exist.
I remembered that 5 years back, a very similar incident had happened in my life. My outing to Bintan. Starting from the morning call, to the entire day's outing. Only, it was a lot happier. I was granted more dignity there. Ya, dignity might sound a strange word, but for a lonely, ever-avoided person like me, acknowledgement means dignity. Life was not so unhappy then. In fact, I'd have still called those three months in 2007 as the best period in my life, if that what happened in last October wouldn't have happened. Given all, and I mean all my sufferings in the last 9+ months, I still can't forget the bliss I happened to experience on those few rare days. If not for that, I'd have long given up this fight. But somehow, today, at that moment, I realized, perhaps it is going to be all futile. I am simply weak hearted. I can't take the truth. I can't take the truth that what happened in October last year was not only an accident, but also that at the present moment he doesn't have any feeling for me. The future stores a similar disaster for me. And my experiences haven't really seasoned me. It is already hurting like hell. It will hurt even more in the future. And I have no way to protect myself. I have to helplessly endure the pain.
You know, in the place where we went today, there was a water facility called "Tidal Wave". It is an usual swimming pool of varying depth, but at certain intervals, waves come over. I know very little swimming, the amount you can learn in two weeks training. But yes, I know how to duck your head and float up and avoid the tide sweeping you over. And since I love being in the water, I was loving this as well. As usual, I had tried almost all the water rides. And decided to visit the tidal wave pool one more time. The waves started lashing out, I started swaying with the motion, and suddenly, like a flying dagger might get stuck in your heart and you realize it has come to kill you, the memories came back. My world darkened. I just couldn't take it. That moment, all my happiness which I had accumulated so patiently in the entire day, ceased to exist.
I remembered that 5 years back, a very similar incident had happened in my life. My outing to Bintan. Starting from the morning call, to the entire day's outing. Only, it was a lot happier. I was granted more dignity there. Ya, dignity might sound a strange word, but for a lonely, ever-avoided person like me, acknowledgement means dignity. Life was not so unhappy then. In fact, I'd have still called those three months in 2007 as the best period in my life, if that what happened in last October wouldn't have happened. Given all, and I mean all my sufferings in the last 9+ months, I still can't forget the bliss I happened to experience on those few rare days. If not for that, I'd have long given up this fight. But somehow, today, at that moment, I realized, perhaps it is going to be all futile. I am simply weak hearted. I can't take the truth. I can't take the truth that what happened in October last year was not only an accident, but also that at the present moment he doesn't have any feeling for me. The future stores a similar disaster for me. And my experiences haven't really seasoned me. It is already hurting like hell. It will hurt even more in the future. And I have no way to protect myself. I have to helplessly endure the pain.
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