When you have cried constantly for almost half a day, your head hurts a lot. The only blissful time in between were few hours of sleep I was able to get. There were dreams, which disturbed, distracted and finally woke me up, but still, during your sleeping hours, you don't feel the pain that sharply.
You cannot fight insensitivity. Insensitivity is a psychological torture that drains you of all your hope and faith. They say, life is simple, if, when you feel bad, you tell it. If so, then tell me, how to deal with a situation, when you have told you are feeling bad, and there is total indifference. Forget saying sorry or doing something to lift your spirits, the concerned person simply doesn't bother. Your suffering doesn't touch him. Then you feel something is seriously wrong.
This is not the first time it has happened. People can have their priorities. But then, one who loves you so much, should be a priority also, if you value the love in any way. If it is not so, you finally feel convinced that everything was casual. In your desire to help the person with your love, you have been only chasing him and irritating him.
The plan is clear now. I am going back. Not right now. 11th August I am going home, and 20th August I am returning to Bangalore. I will try to stick on to my job for another 3 weeks. Once I come back from home, I will resign and go home permanently. Let's see what happens afterwards. Once again, I don't think it is escapism, I'm not escaping from anywhere. I have handled enough torture. Perhaps cried for every single day since the last one year. Have seldom seen happiness. I have allowed myself to be a plaything in the hands of a person whom I have honestly considered as my best friend. I had hoped that he will take care, he knows I am a broken toy, he won't play so harshly as to break me again. But when he has chosen to do that, after that also, with a broken heart and spirit, I have sustained so long. Hoped. Had faith. To no avail.
In our place, it is believed, that after a child is born, the God of destiny comes over, and writes the entire script of life in the four finger wide space on the child's forehead. I don't know what wrong I have done in my last life, for which I am making amends. But there is a limit of being trodden. Being trodden is and understatement. The inhuman way in which he behaved with me today, made me feel as if he is squeezing me under his feet, crumbling me, destroying me. If you have minimum respect for a fellow human being, you can't treat her thus. It was an accident that I happened to like him. It was another accident that he happened to like me and some chemistry happened between us. But my decision to be by his side was not an accident. I got to know how he has suffered, I felt, I need to do this much for him, for the sole reason, that I needed the same compassion and care to survive. Whatever else is proved to be false, this can't be denied that we faced similar situations in life. I'd have really liked someone to love me in a way I loved him. In my urge to prove this to the Lord God, that even He is entitled to make amends for good people whom He hurts, I forgot a very basic, simple thing. You cannot give away love. One has to earn it.
Today he proved that he doesn't deserve my love. What happens next nobody knows. A girl who doesn't believe in arranged marriage, surely can't make herself believe in compromise? The spontaneity of love is gone. So far as I know him, he who doesn't even care to say a "sorry" won't care to change himself. Love doesn't die in a day, but the death blow has been struck. I don't think I can keep it alive anymore. I don't worry about him. I worry about the long years ahead of me. The pricking loneliness. A day takes ages to get over, how to deal with an entire lifetime? I wish I could barter my life with someone else's death, one who wants to live, have people who love them, who need them.
You cannot fight insensitivity. Insensitivity is a psychological torture that drains you of all your hope and faith. They say, life is simple, if, when you feel bad, you tell it. If so, then tell me, how to deal with a situation, when you have told you are feeling bad, and there is total indifference. Forget saying sorry or doing something to lift your spirits, the concerned person simply doesn't bother. Your suffering doesn't touch him. Then you feel something is seriously wrong.
This is not the first time it has happened. People can have their priorities. But then, one who loves you so much, should be a priority also, if you value the love in any way. If it is not so, you finally feel convinced that everything was casual. In your desire to help the person with your love, you have been only chasing him and irritating him.
The plan is clear now. I am going back. Not right now. 11th August I am going home, and 20th August I am returning to Bangalore. I will try to stick on to my job for another 3 weeks. Once I come back from home, I will resign and go home permanently. Let's see what happens afterwards. Once again, I don't think it is escapism, I'm not escaping from anywhere. I have handled enough torture. Perhaps cried for every single day since the last one year. Have seldom seen happiness. I have allowed myself to be a plaything in the hands of a person whom I have honestly considered as my best friend. I had hoped that he will take care, he knows I am a broken toy, he won't play so harshly as to break me again. But when he has chosen to do that, after that also, with a broken heart and spirit, I have sustained so long. Hoped. Had faith. To no avail.
In our place, it is believed, that after a child is born, the God of destiny comes over, and writes the entire script of life in the four finger wide space on the child's forehead. I don't know what wrong I have done in my last life, for which I am making amends. But there is a limit of being trodden. Being trodden is and understatement. The inhuman way in which he behaved with me today, made me feel as if he is squeezing me under his feet, crumbling me, destroying me. If you have minimum respect for a fellow human being, you can't treat her thus. It was an accident that I happened to like him. It was another accident that he happened to like me and some chemistry happened between us. But my decision to be by his side was not an accident. I got to know how he has suffered, I felt, I need to do this much for him, for the sole reason, that I needed the same compassion and care to survive. Whatever else is proved to be false, this can't be denied that we faced similar situations in life. I'd have really liked someone to love me in a way I loved him. In my urge to prove this to the Lord God, that even He is entitled to make amends for good people whom He hurts, I forgot a very basic, simple thing. You cannot give away love. One has to earn it.
Today he proved that he doesn't deserve my love. What happens next nobody knows. A girl who doesn't believe in arranged marriage, surely can't make herself believe in compromise? The spontaneity of love is gone. So far as I know him, he who doesn't even care to say a "sorry" won't care to change himself. Love doesn't die in a day, but the death blow has been struck. I don't think I can keep it alive anymore. I don't worry about him. I worry about the long years ahead of me. The pricking loneliness. A day takes ages to get over, how to deal with an entire lifetime? I wish I could barter my life with someone else's death, one who wants to live, have people who love them, who need them.
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