Satyamev Jayate...

Tomorrow, supposedly the last episode of Satyamev Jayate is going to be aired. Personally I learnt a lot from this show. First thing I should say is anyone apart from Aamir Khan would not have been able to reach out to this extent with the contents of the show. As for me, even Aamir Khan was not sufficient. I was in Prague when the show started. And I was totally disinterested. Yes, Aamir's Taare Zameen Par was commendable, but that apart, I was not very convinced that he can bring up any social cause successfully. My neighbor lady in offshore, who's grown to become a very good friend these days, had set her tagline to Satyamev Jayate. Despite her apparent childishness, there is a certain easy going strength in my friend's nature which I quite admire. So, wanted to check out the show which has influenced her. From there, there was no turning back. There were many problems in my personal life, for which, may be I couldn't watch the show on time, but as soon as I recovered enough to give my fullest concentration, I'd watch the episode and add to my learning.

Yes, no doubt the show is a bit more dramatized than necessary. But the message is so loud and clear and heart wrenching, that you almost feel that the overwhelming impact was rather necessary. And then, I love my country and intend to live my entire life in this country. So I must know each and every thing that bothers my country and not only that, I, as a responsible bread earner for the family, should be armed well to protect my loved ones from the evils. If ever I give birth to a child, I must teach him the right things, bring him up with the proper perspective. I have often thought about Aamir's new born child while watching the show. Somewhere in his face, beyond all acting, I have seen the resolution to make a better world for the son he was blessed with. I too felt the same way.

Greed and prejudice kills you in a far worse way and any ammunition or pollution does. It blocks you, doesn't let you think. If my country and its people can come out of this ailment and think freshly and selflessly, I am sure there will be happiness. Such was my dedication towards this show that not only have I religiously watched all episodes, but also have read all relevant coverage in the media. People are so partial in their opinion. From someone not wanting to waste a happy and relaxing Sunday morning to social evils, to someone thinking only journalists can follow through is such issues and a movie star will deviate once the program is over, every opinion seemed childish to me. I am reading Atlas Shrugged these days. There in one place Dagny says, before the earth will face destruction because of natural calamities, human beings will have thought a way out. Such is our intellect and willingness to live. See, I don't agree with the saying that words do not matter, only action does. Everything matters. Talking matters, listening matters, thinking matters. Hats off to the superstar who thought and cared to present the issues we all knew about but never bothered to think over. It is high time to break the cocoon. So long as nobody in my circle is affected, I will remain aloof. It doesn't work that way. At times I feel how blessed I am to have received a proper education from my parents. I never had any religious, social or psychological bias. My parents have always called everyone with respect and taught us to do so. We never knew any concept of servant in our family, my mom taught us to call them as sister or aunt. My mom always said, a girl child is the greatest blessing a family receives. From day 1 she taught us never to waste food, she'd give this involuntary shudder and say, so many people in India go without food. It is a blessing to be born in a poor and educated family. It adds a lot of value to your life. May be given my background, I was able to better appreciate the show, but I feel everyone should at least take time out to watch the show. You never know how it touches your mind :)

Being a clueless helpless puppet...

I am not sure about anything else in life at this moment, except that I should stop thinking, or else I will go mad. I am very tired. I bunked office today. Slept till 2 o' clock in the afternoon. Got up and went through the motions of preparing food...for the sake of sustenance.

I feel an inexplicable urge to dream. And I know how dangerous it can turn out to be. All I know is I have to be prepared for anything...good, bad or evil. And I must not let my trust break. I must fight with myself to remain aloof and let him do his work, for I am quite done with mine. My support and eagerness won't help him now. The more neutral the atmosphere, the more calmly he can think.

All I need to remember is, he lifted me up in the air and said, this much is enough for now. I saw a certain resigned gesture in him yesterday. Which said, I can't fight against the truth in this girl's love. Having said that much, I have to see how he is able to fight with the other odds. The difficult part is to be a spectator. Not to play a role in the drama where my life's decision is being taken. 

Losing the battle...

When you have cried constantly for almost half a day, your head hurts a lot. The only blissful time in between were few hours of sleep I was able to get. There were dreams, which disturbed, distracted and finally woke me up, but still, during your sleeping hours, you don't feel the pain that sharply.

You cannot fight insensitivity. Insensitivity is a psychological torture that drains you of all your hope and faith. They say, life is simple, if, when you feel bad, you tell it. If so, then tell me, how to deal with a situation, when you have told you are feeling bad, and there is total indifference. Forget saying sorry or doing something to lift your spirits, the concerned person simply doesn't bother. Your suffering doesn't touch him. Then you feel something is seriously wrong.

This is not the first time it has happened. People can have their priorities. But then, one who loves you so much, should be a priority also, if you value the love in any way. If it is not so, you finally feel convinced that everything was casual. In your desire to help the person with your love, you have been only chasing him and irritating him.

The plan is clear now. I am going back. Not right now. 11th August I am going home, and 20th August I am returning to Bangalore. I will try to stick on to my job for another 3 weeks. Once I come back from home, I will resign and go home permanently. Let's see what happens afterwards. Once again, I don't think it is escapism, I'm not escaping from anywhere. I have handled enough torture. Perhaps cried for every single day since the last one year. Have seldom seen happiness. I have allowed myself to be a plaything in the hands of a person whom I have honestly considered as my best friend. I had hoped that he will take care, he knows I am a broken toy, he won't play so harshly as to break me again. But when he has chosen to do that,  after that also, with a broken heart and spirit, I have sustained so long. Hoped. Had faith. To no avail.

In our place, it is believed, that after a child is born, the God of destiny comes over, and writes the entire script of life in the four finger wide space on the child's forehead. I don't know what wrong I have done in my last life, for which I am making amends. But there is a limit of being trodden. Being trodden is and understatement. The inhuman way in which he behaved with me today, made me feel as if he is squeezing me under his feet, crumbling me, destroying me. If you have minimum respect for a fellow human being, you can't treat her thus. It was an accident that I happened to like him. It was another accident that he happened to like me and some chemistry happened between us. But my decision to be by his side was not an accident. I got to know how he has suffered, I felt, I need to do this much for him, for the sole reason, that I needed the same compassion and care to survive. Whatever else is proved to be false, this can't be denied that we faced similar situations in life. I'd have really liked someone to love me in a way I loved him. In my urge to prove this to the Lord God, that even He is entitled to make amends for good people whom He hurts, I forgot a very basic, simple thing. You cannot give away love. One has to earn it.

Today he proved that he doesn't deserve my love. What happens next nobody knows. A girl who doesn't believe in arranged marriage, surely can't make herself believe in compromise? The spontaneity of love is gone. So far as I know him, he who doesn't even care to say a "sorry" won't care to change himself. Love doesn't die in a day, but the death blow has been struck. I don't think I can keep it alive anymore. I don't worry about him. I worry about the long years ahead of me. The pricking loneliness. A day takes ages to get over, how to deal with an entire lifetime? I wish I could barter my life with someone else's death, one who wants to live, have people who love them, who need them. 

Meeting him again...

I thought, if I happen to write today, I'd probably be writing about our meeting that happened 16 weeks later. But it seems, in actuality I'd be writing about something else.

You know, in the place where we went today, there was a water facility called "Tidal Wave". It is an usual swimming pool of varying depth, but at certain intervals, waves come over. I know very little swimming, the amount you can learn in two weeks training. But yes, I know how to duck your head and float up and avoid the tide sweeping you over. And since I love being in the water, I was loving this as well. As usual, I had tried almost all the water rides. And decided to visit the tidal wave pool one more time. The waves started lashing out, I started swaying with the motion, and suddenly, like a flying dagger might get stuck in your heart and you realize it has come to kill you, the memories came back. My world darkened. I just couldn't take it. That moment, all my happiness which I had accumulated so patiently in the entire day, ceased to exist.

I remembered that 5 years back, a very similar incident had happened in my life. My outing to Bintan. Starting from the morning call, to the entire day's outing. Only, it was a lot happier. I was granted more dignity there. Ya, dignity might sound a strange word, but for a lonely, ever-avoided person like me, acknowledgement means dignity. Life was not so unhappy then. In fact, I'd have still called those three months in 2007 as the best period in my life,  if that what happened in last October wouldn't have happened. Given all, and I mean all my sufferings in the last 9+ months, I still can't forget the bliss I happened to experience on those few rare days. If not for that, I'd have long given up this fight. But somehow, today, at that moment, I realized, perhaps it is going to be all futile. I am simply weak hearted. I can't take the truth. I can't take the truth that what happened in October last year was not only an accident, but also that at the present moment he doesn't have any feeling for me. The future stores a similar disaster for me. And my experiences haven't really seasoned me. It is already hurting like hell. It will hurt even more in the future. And I have no way to protect myself. I have to helplessly endure the pain.

Who knows?

My mom says, she feels very blank when I am flying. And I laugh at her. But not today. Because today I feel the same. A strange emptiness. Restless I am since morning, in fact since last night, or perhaps the last week. But this void kind of feeling emerged just now. I need a Boo Boo who is accessible. Through sms, through calls, through gtalk. Accessible all the time. Not this Boo Boo who is inside some unknown flight, and given our usual adventures in the flights, who would soon be discovering this cute girl and start flirting with her.

I don't know what will happen once he comes back. I am dead scared. Wrote him a big long mail yesterday, only to discard the draft at length. Is there anything good written in my fate? Who knows? What's the point in asking him? 

16 weeks...

I don't know what made me so so happy last night. I have been experiencing bouts of happiness now and again all through this week, but yesterday night in particular crossed all levels of my imagination. Yes, you heard it right, I never imagined I, in this life of mine, can ever be happy to this extent.

I have only heard so long about the joy of reunion after a long separation. I never felt I'd love someone to the extent that I won't be able to live without him. I used to think I have loved several people in my life, and know all about the feelings in love. And now, love is entirely redefined for me.

Love is not when you can let go. No...love is when, your life doesn't remain a life even in the vegetable state without that person. You can only coexist or cease to exist. When he scolds you, you feel he is kissing you. When you quarrel, you feel you are actually playing. You know that you can misunderstand him, but he won't. And if he starts misunderstanding, you have regained your calm by then. Somehow, through thick and thin, the relationship lingers. Nothing ever breaks down again. If it breaks down, you together rearrange the pieces and put things together. It is a fun life to be in love.

When he dropped me at home on 31st March night, I didn't know that it will be 16 weeks that would have passed by before I'd see him again. And I didn't know I'd miss him to this extent. I had thought survival would be possible, detachment would be possible. Living alone would be possible, as it has been when the earlier guys had ditched me. I didn't know he'd become my life.

Last night, I guess the happiness I discovered, was the first real happiness I ever got in life. I don't need anything else in life if I have this gentleman caring for me for the rest of my life, in the way he does now :)

Tomaaro asheem-e...

As my living spirit wanders far into your endless universe,
 I discover there is no pain, no death, no separation...

Death takes the form of death, pain is this pit of despair,
When I look away from you and concentrate on myself.

O The Complete Being, near your feet,
There is everything, everything one might desire...
Only no fear is there...it is only mine...that which makes me cry day and night.
Heart's dejection and the burden of material life,
In a blink, will disappear,
If in my life, I can establish the presence of your divine being...

Life that you get after reaching so near to death, is the warmest. Survival is a magic in its own. I never realized life is so beautiful. I happened to watch Chandalika once again. The insanity caused by love that is born out of salvation. Tonight, I am no more worried about the end. The fear is somehow going away. Just a strange restlessness is still there. A happy restlessness...

Waiting for you...with a happy, restless, dreamy wakefulness...

Victim of insensitivity...

I got to know how it feels like...walking against the wind. With the sweeping, whistling wind roughly brushing your face, almost bruising you. You brace yourself and crouch down. You don't want to give up, but you bend before the invincible.

Songs are a wonderful creation on this earth. Songs give you protection and strength, as nothing else would.

উঠে  দাঁড়ালেন যেমন দাঁড়ায় বন্দিনী এক বাঘিনী চিতা,
চিড়িয়াখানায় অসহায় তবু উঠে  দাঁড়ানোয় অপরাজিতা।


Suman as usual. But there are times, when all music stops. You feel a mirthless laughter at facts of life, such as, there was a time when you liked romantic movies. হারানো সুর gave you hope and faith. Now the same হারানো সুর CD seems like a piece of junk. Where is hope, where is faith? Where is justice on earth? Why doesn't God consent to choice? I am a simple girl, never wanted too many things for myself. I just wanted the freedom of choice. Why does choice elude so much? I had chosen him seeing his care for me. I have written in this very blog, that he protects me like a mother bird. Can you expect this mail from that same person?


"I am writing this email, without reading any of yours as usual..... first point sorry... for shouting for no reason of yours...  i had a very bad head ache because of the heat and was trying to sleep when u called. That just does not justify me shouting at someone, so sorry....I understand the amount of care that u take and move over me... honestly to tell u . i am not worth it..and i dont want it.. and i dont like it.. the only way that you can save yourself from not being more hurt is to distance yourself from me.. its not about u .. its the way i am.. i dont like any one to disturb me..... Its a simple factor... when i want to be alone.. i want to be alone.. .. i dont like any of them who come and keep saying. they like me...care for me and all the non-sense...i am sure you can supply all this and more to someone who really understands and appreciates you.... 

i am sure u will say.. all u wanted was just to call me..but in that case you should have stopped when i cut it for the first .. atleast second.. or the third time.. Its not my intension to hurt someone, but i am given no option but to do things which i hate to do.... so much of your life revolves over my presence i think.. and as u know for me nothing like that... we all have a life to live.. and you will live one to the best of it.. don’t screw it by being with people like me....  i have seriously written this in the best intension of yours..

now.. please dont call to explain.. or to analyse... or to scold .. or especially to tell how u r feeling and to cry.....or to understand what i am feeling.....i am not in a mood to talk of anything.. i have got enough things in my plate to deal with...

cheerss.."

Because he has been kind to me once upon a time, did I ever dream about us being together. For the past one year, all I am trying to do is to save this relationship. A relationship which only I want, he doesn't, he has no need. I can't describe the humiliation, the nothingness that followed. For the first time in my life, I contemplated suicide in a most unemotional way. I didn't care that my Citibank account doesn't have a nominee. I didn't care that I am yet to get my last onsite money encashed. I did remember mom's face a couple of times, remembered how she is already depressed over her sister's death and what my death would do to her, but in a very neutral and impartial way. I tried to think what the view of my dead body would do to my brother, the kid whom I have been saving from the harshness of the world all these years. I did, but as a third person. As myself, I wanted to die. With all the practicality in my mind. Gave myself small small instructions, check your credit card expenses and pre pay. Also telephone costs will be high, you've made a lot of ISD calls. Check the same. It is ok, after some complication your family will inherit your money. Even if they don't they will survive. You cannot survive anymore, you must die. Almost impassively, I was planning the effectiveness of my death, as a scientist, I was thinking of precision, and even rejoicing and congratulating myself at my innovations of devising the strategy. But that apart, In such whirlwind situations, it all comes back at the same time. Your humiliations, your insults, loss of your respect.

In our subsequent discussions, I liked two things that I said...

"only thing I can tell u is if u wish me happiness, be a man n give it urself, don't be a coward and pray for me to be happy with someone else."
and

"I really don't ask for much boo boo

just some assurance...that u'll not leave me like the others have...

I lose all my value in my own eyes then  

and I lose ur value too...  

I lose everything"

Yes I lose my value. I have never thought of breaking my relationships. Instead I have forgiven. Forgiven time and again. Which has been my greatest mistake by far. And I remember those inhuman beings who have taken advantage of my weakness. Not Boo. My Boo is not inhuman. I understand Boo. I don't blame him. After what he has gone through, this is only a natural reaction. But yes, had I been in his shoes, I would have valued someone who is trying this much. That is because, may be I still haven't given up on God. Perhaps he has. Only people who don't have God with them, can hurt. So, am I this sadhu mahatma, who has never hurt anybody? No I have. I have done wrong in my life, have hurt people, have ignored, pained, and have lost my virtues in various ways. But God has always punished me for my sins, then and there. I have done mistakes, and I realize my mistakes. And I value God's gifts, even His torments.

The fighter that I am, I am not really giving up as yet. To sum up, তোমার অসীমে keeps me alive today. Just listen to it, and the God-gifted voice of this dynamic lady, who even beyond her death, inculcates strength through her most outstanding virtue, the boldness of her voice, which she has endowed in its entirety in worshiping Tagore and his faith. That God exists, this fact only keeps me alive today. It is a miracle, which Godless people won't be able to perceive. Just listen to it, I don't have words to translate it at this moment.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v44QgoAk0j0

It is impossible that my love for him was not affected. It had to be. He wants it to lessen, perhaps obliterate so desperately, that I had no way out, but to comply. I also understand, I must do away with my fears. After I am born in this world, and till I die, I am not supposed to ask the question "Why me?" I am to accept.

Today, very strangely, I almost yielded to the desire of having jackfruit. Which I had given up after Rupai's death, in his memory, it being my favorite fruit. If the fruit salad I ordered for dinner would have had jackfruit in it, I'd have eaten it. Today, for once, I wanted to liberate myself from that incident. Tell me baby, what am I supposed to do? I find no way out...I can never do justice to your memory, I can't live on like this vegetable anymore. They call me stubborn baby, they ask me to move on. They don't understand the humiliation of telling it all to another person, all over again, with the hope of acceptance and forgiving. As I said, my only two mistakes in life is, I want choice and transparency. Baby, I have suffered way too much after you left. If you feel it is enough, help me. You are with God, you are God's angel, help me out.

After two torturous days of holiday, tomorrow, I have to go out and face the world again. Frankly speaking I don't have the strength. I will try.

The story of the lion and rabbit...

Statutory Warning: Drinking is injurious to health, mind and good living. Don't drink and drive. Don't indulge in alcohol abuse. 


Note1: This cartoon doesn't promote drinking. It is aimed at minimizing domestic fights and misunderstandings, so that there is no need for alcohol in life. Love is the best booze available. Get drunk with love :)


Note2: The images were taken from Google clip art. The plot is original.

Story:

There is this lion ok...very angry lion he is...

And there is this rabbit ok...very friendly rabbit she is...

Lion is a little thin and dark, rabbit is a little fat and fair, but let's not talk about that...

Lion is always frowning...rabbit is always smiling....

Now how it happens don't ask me, rabbit and lion become friends...

All that was good only man...but rabbit falls in love with lion...

Now tell me, which rabbit has a head on its shoulder, to go and tell this to the lion?

So the rabbit just went and told the lion...lion ji...will you give me a smile?

And so angry so angry...the lion was...it howled and ran after the rabbit...and said...

nonsense fellow you are...why are you asking me to give crap things like smile?

This story has a sad ending man...very sad ending...

The rabbit went away, making a duck face...and since then the rabbit has become a major drunkard... :( :( :(

Here is the story in details, enjoy...

Mingled emotions...random thoughts...

I don't understand this weariness that takes me in its grip at times. Last night was sleepless, to say the least. Last night was stifling, suffocating, uneasy, torturous. There are times when you realize you have wasted a lot of time, just thinking about taking some action and sitting idle in practice.

As a result of that, such a serene morning with birds chirping softly, and I lose its beauty entirely. The soothing sunlight doesn't really seep into a room overcrowded with books, clothes and furniture and almost anything on earth that  spells disorganization and mismanagement. From my days in Prague I know very well that I am basically not like this. I like keeping things tidy, neat, clean and well arranged. But you can tidy up things only till a certain threshold is not reached. No one else to blame, I myself have allowed my life to go for such a toss. For a long time now, I haven't really thought about my well being. Now that I seriously think, hundreds of hurdles face me.

PGs provide clean rooms, even for single occupancy at times. But then, life in a PG is more public than I'd want it to be. I can take a room on rent, but that means a lot of deposit money. And life is so uncertain here (this is what I have been telling myself for God knows how many years, I go nowhere else and tolerate this hell of a house), that I don't want to invest so much money. Then the question of security is also there. Life in Bangalore for a girl living alone might not be that easy.

But this life  is also not easy. He says, my room is full of negative energy. I don't quite agree. My room in Prague was full of sunlight, airy and spacious. But negative energy seeped in even there. Negative energy is this weariness in my mind. Until it goes, no place on earth will be good enough for me. But there is this self set deadline of October. If October goes and I am still unable to do something worthwhile for myself, I don't deserve to forgive myself.

জলে বাস করে কুমীরের সঙ্গে বিবাদ করা চলেনা, আমি সেটাই  করতে চলেছি হয়তো। কিন্তু আমার নিজের কাছে আমার মনের শান্তি টা অনেক বেশি জরুরী। আপোস করাটাকে আমি একেবারেই ভালো চোখে দেখি না, তাই, মনে অল্প ভয় থাকলেও আপোস করাটা কোনো কাজের কথা নয়।চাকরির বাজার আবার কবে খারাপ ছিল না যে এত ভয় পেতে হবে? বরং কোনো একটা এসপার ওসপার হওয়া ভালো, এভাবে শূন্যে ঝুলে থাকার কোনো মানে হয়না। কাউকে মুখ ফুটে কিছু বলতে না পেরে গুমরে মরার নাম ই কি জীবন? কাউকে কিছু বলতে পারিনা, শূধু  সবার মন যুগিয়ে চলা।এক এক সময় even কার্তিক এর ওপর আমার বিরক্তি আসে, for the simple reason that অদূর ভবিষ্যতে আমি আমাদের সম্পর্কের কোনো culmination দেখতে পাইনা। আবার ভাবি, আমার তো ওকে বোঝা উচিত? কোন ঘরপোড়া গরু না সিঁদুরে মেঘ দেখলে ডরায়? He has come a long way from where he was. I should appreciate this. কিন্তু বাঁচার এত চূড়ান্ত খিদে, যে এক মুহুর্তে সব কিছু পেতে চাই। সব কিছু যা এতদিন নাগালের বাইরে ছিল। কোনদিন ভাবিওনি যে নাগাল পাব। তাই এত কাছে এসে আর তর সয়না যেন।একটা অচেনা অস্তিরতা, সারাদিন শান্তি পেতে দেয়না। তারপর আমি নিজে নিজেকে বলি, আমি যে এতগুলো criteria রেখেছিলাম, তার মধ্যে কিছু হয়তো বাদ দেওয়া যায়, আবার কিছু একেবারেই যায়না। সম্পর্কের স্বচ্ছতা was one such criteria. I wanted transparency at any cost. At least from my end. I cannot bear to be in a relationship without being candid about myself. জীবনটা খুব জটীল মনে হয় এক এক সময়। বুঝে পাইনা, কি করব, কোথায় যাব। এই অনিশ্চয়তা আর ভালো লাগেনা। একটা কিছু পরিবর্তন আসুক।এই ক্লান্তি দূর হোক। স্থিতির বড় প্রয়োজন।

নিজেকে বলতে চাই যে আমি ওকে খুব ভালোবাসি, বলতে চাই, সুমনের ভাষায় যে তোমার তুলনা আমি খুঁজিনা কখনো, বহু ব্যবহার  করা কোনো উপমায়...কিন্তু মনে এতই দ্বিধা দ্বন্দ - যে প্রাণ খুলে ওকে গ্রহণ করতে পারিনা। আমি কতবার বলেছি, এমন সময় এসনা যখন খুব দেরী হয়ে যাবে। কখনো কি ভেবেছি যে আমি নিজেও হয়তো অনেকটা সময় নষ্ট করে ওর জীবনে আসবো? ঈশ্বর বড়ই কৌতুক প্রিয় :) But as I said, enough is enough now, and it is high time for stability...which I guess, both of us deserve and have earned it the toughest way. Please, don't deny it to us anymore...is my only plea...

Feelings change...

When we were friends, he didn't feel this ownership about me. I don't know exactly what kind of feelings were present then. We have always been good friends, still I'd feel this hint of weariness (though very rarely) about things concerning me. E.g. when I got the first hike in this company, he was the first one I told. I asked him, do we go out and celebrate? His answer was pretty non committal, "sure, but not today". Not that he won't be happy, but he didn't feel it is his own achievement. I hope you can understand the difference.

Yesterday we were discussing about various nuances of professional life. Though I have more experience than him, he is definitely more mature professionally, as he has seen more. Worked with clients, across the continents, across brands, small, medium and large. He was telling me the importance of optimum communication, and playing one's cards timely. I said, I know nothing about all these. He then, so lovingly, reassuringly, and protectively said..."I will teach you".

I like the conversations we have. Easy, free flowing, devoid of tension. After 1 long year of struggle, we are finally back to our old friendship days, only a friendship much stronger, and touch wood again, for a life time :)

Can't wait for him to come back, waiting for that day when we go out together once again. I absolutely love, love, love my bestest friend :)