When you are closing doors, close them properly. Don't keep that small peep hole open, from which sunlight can come in. Everyday, for the last 32 years, I have suffered. Suffered because of my dreams, which didn't want to come true, only I wanted them to come true.
Who can change destiny. Why did I fight against destiny so long? Today I let go. It is ok, my dear God, my dear Decider of Fate, if you don't want it to happen, I won't fight with You.
I don't know how to define "moh" in English. A very near term would be attachment. Why do you want happiness in life, why do you want to enjoy life? Because you are attached to life. This attachment comes because of several things, a family full of loving people, a life full of friends, a cupboard full of dresses and jewelry, a library full of books, everything that is dear to you, you want never to give them up, in fact you fear losing them.
It took time for me to overcome this attachment. Once I was crazy about reading, I gradually got weary. I forcibly got myself into this habit of watching movies, to avoid loneliness, now movies or no movie doesn't make a difference. I was a shopaholic in Singapore. I had 15 kgs of excess luggage while coming back. This time, so far, I haven't bought a single fancy thing for myself. Not a single thing. I lived in such a well managed way, there might not be even a single morsel of extra food in the fridge, by the time I leave.
I don't care anymore about life. I didn't desperately attempt to live when I met him. I had already given up my desires. Well...he managed to bring them back, manage to re-ignite some life inside me. Yes, I ended up dreaming. I thought, this time my dreams won't go in vain. And God got yet another chance to humiliate me. Yes my child, I have planned lots and lots of tears for you, so keep crying all your life...
Today I say NO to my dreams and my self pity. NO. I don't need the standard life that you have given other people. I accept the truth. Call me a coward, an escapist. I don't mind. I really love him a lot. I can't see him in this kind of a dilemma day in and day out. He spoke of ripple effect today. He said, he can't do something, whose ripple effect will destroy everything. He never noticed that he is doing something, whose ripple effect brought back life in a near dead person. That means, to him, my life is not important. I wrote to him today, after the call, and asked him to take a final firm decision. Either commit to me, or abandon me forever. I know he is a practical person. I can almost surely tell what decision he is going to take. But I also didn't want to keep this tiny vent open for light and oxygen. What do I do with the light, if I still feel blind? How does the oxygen help, if, even in its presence I keep gasping? So fly away, my dear birdie...just break free of all chains. God has made me exceptionally honest, and I am happy about that :)
Who can change destiny. Why did I fight against destiny so long? Today I let go. It is ok, my dear God, my dear Decider of Fate, if you don't want it to happen, I won't fight with You.
I don't know how to define "moh" in English. A very near term would be attachment. Why do you want happiness in life, why do you want to enjoy life? Because you are attached to life. This attachment comes because of several things, a family full of loving people, a life full of friends, a cupboard full of dresses and jewelry, a library full of books, everything that is dear to you, you want never to give them up, in fact you fear losing them.
It took time for me to overcome this attachment. Once I was crazy about reading, I gradually got weary. I forcibly got myself into this habit of watching movies, to avoid loneliness, now movies or no movie doesn't make a difference. I was a shopaholic in Singapore. I had 15 kgs of excess luggage while coming back. This time, so far, I haven't bought a single fancy thing for myself. Not a single thing. I lived in such a well managed way, there might not be even a single morsel of extra food in the fridge, by the time I leave.
I don't care anymore about life. I didn't desperately attempt to live when I met him. I had already given up my desires. Well...he managed to bring them back, manage to re-ignite some life inside me. Yes, I ended up dreaming. I thought, this time my dreams won't go in vain. And God got yet another chance to humiliate me. Yes my child, I have planned lots and lots of tears for you, so keep crying all your life...
Today I say NO to my dreams and my self pity. NO. I don't need the standard life that you have given other people. I accept the truth. Call me a coward, an escapist. I don't mind. I really love him a lot. I can't see him in this kind of a dilemma day in and day out. He spoke of ripple effect today. He said, he can't do something, whose ripple effect will destroy everything. He never noticed that he is doing something, whose ripple effect brought back life in a near dead person. That means, to him, my life is not important. I wrote to him today, after the call, and asked him to take a final firm decision. Either commit to me, or abandon me forever. I know he is a practical person. I can almost surely tell what decision he is going to take. But I also didn't want to keep this tiny vent open for light and oxygen. What do I do with the light, if I still feel blind? How does the oxygen help, if, even in its presence I keep gasping? So fly away, my dear birdie...just break free of all chains. God has made me exceptionally honest, and I am happy about that :)
No comments:
Post a Comment