Mail on June 4 - Evening:
you know...I have read so many times...don't take a decision in haste...
Chat on June 5 - Morning:
June 5 - Evening:
Reached home early...was feeling light...relieved...happy...rang up mom pretty early...almost 2 hours earlier than usual...she was a bit hasty in picking up...
"oh, is it you...ya tell..."
"mom...you tell...let me relax for a while and just listen to you...I'm too tired today..."
It was then that she broke in tears...sobbing she just managed to say...
"I have nothing to tell...my sister died today"
Epilogue:
Mom...is an only child. This sister is mom's cousin...little elder to her. There is absolutely no way she could have died. She is this splendid lady...has got everything from life, gave back more to life. Didn't have any reason to complain, and never complained too....always happy, always smiling, always spreading cheer....always works...never rests....never scolds....always loves....this unique lady....the rare souls who come on this earth just to spread joy...how can she have died?
See, she lost nothing in death too...didn't suffer much, some infection that took her life before any treatment could be done. Has this full family left behind, kids hugely successful and happily settled in life, husband is alive, two brothers and even her 83 year old mom...everyone is alive and healthy, leaving back this flourishing family, she peacefully dies. But what of those who are left behind - what about them? None of her kids could be near their mom as she died - one stays in a different city, one outside the country. How guilty would they be feeling? Career, life, all aside...they lost their mom just like that? Was not able to do anything despite all their means?
And how strangely it affected me...
Amidst all my sorrowful days, I never got a moment's time to remember my aunt. And there I was...just sitting like a statue on the couch, with all her memories flooding my mind and her beautiful face flashing in front of my eyes. When I met her last December, she couldn't stop from praising me - don't be fat, don't be thinner, you are just perfect. From early childhood all memories I had of aunt, everything came back - she coaxing me to eat, when I was hell bent on fasting for the Pujas, if I start to think...because of her I got my first class education in a public school, my parents were all set to get me admitted in this Government school where English was being taught from the sixth standard. She and her husband insisted on me learning good English and convinced my parents to go beyond their means. I never had time to remember her with gratitude, call her once and thank her for the million ways in which she has taken care of me and my family - when she was by no means required to do so. My mom has always been her little kid sister, always pampered her, always advised about her health, always scolded dad for not taking enough care of her. Her daughter was in the same way, my guardian angel in my first days in school. She would come to meet me everyday during the break, and I'd feel so reassured that my big sister is there to take care of the tiny me in this class full of unknown faces (I was shy even then, I am unsocial even now). My heart goes out to that big sister, who is red in the eyes crying for her mom, and could reach to see her dead body, 3 days after her death. How terrible is it to let go of your nearest person, the one who brought you to this earth, without even bidding a proper good bye - to see a 3 day old still body taken out from the cold storage. For the sake of one's talent, education, ambitions, one has to drift away from home, but what is the cost one pays?
My so called man in life, he is not a romantic type. Not one who can console or even speak much. But he supported me in his own way. When I snapped at him, saying "you were the so called only grief of my life, I just realized there is something else too that can make me cry" - he didn't feel bad. In his lame way he told me some silly story and just tried diverting my mind. He is not a caring soul - but unlike the other people who happened to care a lot but couldn't do their duty till the end, this guy is not ready to part with me so easily.
I was feeling sad for my uncle. What will he do at this age without his wife? Perhaps he doesn't even know how to cook...
I told Boo...it is ok, you die first, I will live without you...you can't live without me. And the chat went like this:
So, as you see, life moves on...our love story also continues, may be some day we'll be married and we'll have kids - and all of a sudden I will die just like that...without anyone near me - or perhaps, somewhere, some girl in a distant country will be sitting in the couch and shedding tears - saying, aunt, forgive me, I have never said thanks to you...you have always been so good to me, to everyone...
I told Boo...I have this sixth sense no....pretty strong sixth sense, I knew something bad is going to happen. I thought that bad would be our break up, a probable break up that was glued by one simple voluntary good morning from his end. If only...we could bring back lives so easily....
you know...I have read so many times...don't take a decision in haste...
I am not taking a decision in haste...
I can not talk about you....
I am not able to take it any more...
man...just think...have I ever been this bugging? have I ever irritated you to this extent? sticking on to you like chewing gum...just finding contexts to talk...just allowing you to kick me around?
just what has gone wrong?
it is not my fault...it is you who is closing the doors...you being so undecided about your life, you are leading me to an identity crisis. You are not sure if you love me, you are not sure if u want me as a friend, you are just not sure how to react to me...
is this you? being unnecessarily rude...just hurting someone...and seeing her cry in pain...you just hurt more...you have lost humanity man...
tell me...don't I have work? don't I need concentration and peace of mind? I go through hell everyday....just feel like killing myself every moment...because of your treatment...
you have work...I have work...just say a small hi and be done with...why so much weighing of pros n cons in mind...I don't greet my other friends everyday...n all...ask urself...is it the true reason...or u r just trying to stop urself deliberately....u hurt me...lose me...and spoil both our lives....such a sadomasochist u r...
either stop drawing boundaries...don't call...don't mail...don't ping...
or be alone and be happy....
man...tell me what is my fault...I go through these frequent bouts of depression...you know yourself how pathetic these bouts can be...u remember last time I was in prague...didn't want to buy more voip time...u remember how mad I was sounding....?
it was u who had calmed me down....
am I not allowed that friend anymore? if I call on two successive days, you'll get irritated...why man? I am not binding you...I am not stepping in ur space...I just need you at times...no replacement is there...I can't approach anyone else...
how contradictory u r man...if u say I love u to a girl...I guess u shd never ever say...I don't belong to u and neither do u belong to me...
see man I am a very peace loving and simple girl...I can't understand ur complicated mind...
I know what u have gone through...n u know what u r doing? u r denying to urself that u have gone through anything at all...and letting the same thing repeat in life...sometime...God is unkind to somebody...as with me may be...but to u...he was not unkind...he tried to make amends...u have just decided to lose the opportunity...
I just feel miserable today...I won't take this anymore....I have decided...I won't say I shall stop loving you...that'd be a lie...but I don't see any gratification from this relationship...so I call it quits...I hope this news makes you very very happy...you are free now....I don't have you in my life...I don't know you any more...
Chat on June 5 - Morning:
he: good morning.. gentle women.
me: good morning boo boo
it has been 2 days we haven't talked
I was 97% dead :(
he: uff.. stop
hows office
u got offshore.. deliverables
me: very cold today
he: ?
me: shivering
upar se...plz dont be angry
I m upset no
so haven't taken bath for 2 days
:( :(
he: non sense.
me: so in a terrible mood
he: its cold.. i also used to skip
:)
June 5 - Evening:
Reached home early...was feeling light...relieved...happy...rang up mom pretty early...almost 2 hours earlier than usual...she was a bit hasty in picking up...
"oh, is it you...ya tell..."
"mom...you tell...let me relax for a while and just listen to you...I'm too tired today..."
It was then that she broke in tears...sobbing she just managed to say...
"I have nothing to tell...my sister died today"
Epilogue:
Mom...is an only child. This sister is mom's cousin...little elder to her. There is absolutely no way she could have died. She is this splendid lady...has got everything from life, gave back more to life. Didn't have any reason to complain, and never complained too....always happy, always smiling, always spreading cheer....always works...never rests....never scolds....always loves....this unique lady....the rare souls who come on this earth just to spread joy...how can she have died?
See, she lost nothing in death too...didn't suffer much, some infection that took her life before any treatment could be done. Has this full family left behind, kids hugely successful and happily settled in life, husband is alive, two brothers and even her 83 year old mom...everyone is alive and healthy, leaving back this flourishing family, she peacefully dies. But what of those who are left behind - what about them? None of her kids could be near their mom as she died - one stays in a different city, one outside the country. How guilty would they be feeling? Career, life, all aside...they lost their mom just like that? Was not able to do anything despite all their means?
And how strangely it affected me...
Amidst all my sorrowful days, I never got a moment's time to remember my aunt. And there I was...just sitting like a statue on the couch, with all her memories flooding my mind and her beautiful face flashing in front of my eyes. When I met her last December, she couldn't stop from praising me - don't be fat, don't be thinner, you are just perfect. From early childhood all memories I had of aunt, everything came back - she coaxing me to eat, when I was hell bent on fasting for the Pujas, if I start to think...because of her I got my first class education in a public school, my parents were all set to get me admitted in this Government school where English was being taught from the sixth standard. She and her husband insisted on me learning good English and convinced my parents to go beyond their means. I never had time to remember her with gratitude, call her once and thank her for the million ways in which she has taken care of me and my family - when she was by no means required to do so. My mom has always been her little kid sister, always pampered her, always advised about her health, always scolded dad for not taking enough care of her. Her daughter was in the same way, my guardian angel in my first days in school. She would come to meet me everyday during the break, and I'd feel so reassured that my big sister is there to take care of the tiny me in this class full of unknown faces (I was shy even then, I am unsocial even now). My heart goes out to that big sister, who is red in the eyes crying for her mom, and could reach to see her dead body, 3 days after her death. How terrible is it to let go of your nearest person, the one who brought you to this earth, without even bidding a proper good bye - to see a 3 day old still body taken out from the cold storage. For the sake of one's talent, education, ambitions, one has to drift away from home, but what is the cost one pays?
My so called man in life, he is not a romantic type. Not one who can console or even speak much. But he supported me in his own way. When I snapped at him, saying "you were the so called only grief of my life, I just realized there is something else too that can make me cry" - he didn't feel bad. In his lame way he told me some silly story and just tried diverting my mind. He is not a caring soul - but unlike the other people who happened to care a lot but couldn't do their duty till the end, this guy is not ready to part with me so easily.
I was feeling sad for my uncle. What will he do at this age without his wife? Perhaps he doesn't even know how to cook...
I told Boo...it is ok, you die first, I will live without you...you can't live without me. And the chat went like this:
me: like...when u r old...nothing more to achieve...then only die
till then m with u
like chewing gum :P
did I ever...
call u...like this?
my mishti boo...
he: non sense.
me: u won't know what mishti meansso u won't be angry
he: i get rid of everything
nothing can stick to me
me: chewing gum under ur shoes...
he: and i dont stick to anything
me: very difficult to get rid off
:P
u wont notice
he: i will change the shoe
me: I wl steal over to the new shoehe: stop now
me: if u want me to go so much
why did u talk to me y'day
I had left u...
u cd have been happy
he: is it..
i didnt know that
me: ya
lost ur only opportunity of a life time
idiot u r
he: no .
now.. get lost
me: no...
gimme smile first?
he: what ever.
So, as you see, life moves on...our love story also continues, may be some day we'll be married and we'll have kids - and all of a sudden I will die just like that...without anyone near me - or perhaps, somewhere, some girl in a distant country will be sitting in the couch and shedding tears - saying, aunt, forgive me, I have never said thanks to you...you have always been so good to me, to everyone...
I told Boo...I have this sixth sense no....pretty strong sixth sense, I knew something bad is going to happen. I thought that bad would be our break up, a probable break up that was glued by one simple voluntary good morning from his end. If only...we could bring back lives so easily....
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