Back to India or back to life?

Touch wood. Because what I am going to write today is extremely precious to me.


It was an wonderful night. It brought back memories of the first night we spent together. That night was a magic that every girl craves for. Of all things, I remember one small incident. After dinner, we were sitting together and watching television. He had tuned to a Hindi song channel, where quaint old songs were being aired. As I listened to the songs, he asked me, "you want apple?". I said, "no...". I'm like that only, not even polite enough to say - no, thanks. When it is a no from me, it is just a no. So then, this gentleman, he goes and brings the apple, peels it, chops it into nice small cubes, and feed me the chopped pieces one by one, all the while talking to me, and diverting my attention enough, so that I do not protest. At the end, he say, "it's not that you don't like, you have to be fed properly".

So after all the misunderstandings in the in between 8 months, a night like that again comes back. A night when he realizes finally, how much wrong he was trying to do to me. He becomes my old best friend, my prince of that one night in October. He tells me stories, he talks softly, he creates a magic once again. He says he has work, has presentation early in the morning at office...still won't go to sleep. I am insisting from the other side of the phone, he won't listen to me. He is almost asleep, still he won't cut the call. He tells me the story of King Solomon and Queen of Sheba, and I listen like a child to how she was seduced by him. I, the well read me, had never known this story. Somewhere in my heart, I always wanted this person who'd be better read than me, would have known life better than me, and I'd be just protected and pampered by him. It felt so so wonderful to be back with him, in exactly the way I wanted.

I am not a girl to make demands. I am pretty happy with whatever little I get, provided, what I am getting is full of honesty and transparency. After a long long time, I felt that our relationship has become transparent, he has finally won over the battle going on in his mind, and decided to accept me and face the world. I loved the way he put it. "I don't like you...from 3rd standard, I have handled 20 females, I never had a problem with any of them...you are the first troublemaker. I don't like you". I simply loved the fact :)

So that was how the third Prague trip ended. I found that Europe routes of Emirates have a much more better service than India bound routes. Travel was hectic and boring too, and I am pretty dead tired till now. Office saw a totally "all smiles" avatar today, which was not the reality by the farthest means. But then, who cares, I take time to give my blows.

Back to India...my house full of cockroaches, there was no water the first day I arrived, but then again, this is life. October is the current milestone, by then I would have taken a decision about which place to settle down in. If that requires a sabbatical from job, I will probably go for that even. As of now let us be diplomatic, is what I have told myself. And then, everything apart, I'm just looking forward to our date when he comes back. Hope he comes back soon. Haven't been out with my best friend for a long time now :)

The restlessness due to solitude...

Loneliness is the greatest destroyer on earth. It has powers more than a nuclear bomb. It makes you vulnerable. It makes you lose faith in yourself. It makes you bitter and you despise the surge of happiness that is sweeping the world...জগতের আনন্দযজ্ঞে আমার নিমন্ত্রণ - the world has invited me in its celebration of happiness - seems so meaningless then.

Just four more days, then back to the usual routine. If only I had some more friends here, I'd have been so happy to stay back. The comfort of life is immense. The lethargy does get you a bit fat, but you can always work out for that. And you get so much time for yourself. Forget about me, I am a hopeless case. But imagine how wonderful it must be to return to a loving family, not even in the evening but in late afternoon itself.

Once in a while I feel...let us enjoy the remaining days. Roam around, shop, drink hot chocolate and just love the sunshine. But then, loneliness brings such a fatigue, which is difficult to overcome. You feel unwanted all the time. I am not like this. I am this chirpy girl when I have company. Talk talk talk...during lunchtime and realize everyone else in the table has finished their lunch and glaring at you...and you still have a near full plate. You concentrate on eating and after a while, once again, involuntarily start talking. That is me. Not this lonely brooding girl, who feels so despicable that locks herself up indoor all weekend, to avoid the human eye.

There is one more thing I dislike about people here. They are too self centered. Some are polite no doubt, but even that seems a bit plastic. I especially have complaints against Interspar counter girls. They are rude to limit of hurting. Almost all the while they ignore greeting me because of my dark skin probably. If I'd be a bit lost in thought and ask for something after the bill is made, way they'd glare, it makes me feel as if I have done the greatest crime on earth. The people at office are good and nice, but they maintain their distance. Some are outright ignoring me, some talk once in a while. My client manager is very nice, almost a friend now (I even missed him - he is going on his vacation this weekend...for all I know I won't be seeing him ever again in person), but even he is a bit aloof at times. This is a strange place.

Well loneliness has one virtue, against my will even, it makes me listen to a lot of songs, watch a lot of movies, and indulge in art in general. So here is the next song, with a small background.

I suddenly discovered this link and was mesmerized by the guy's voice and singing style. In one word, it is lovely. That first, then the entire music arrangement. Finally seeped in the actual magic, the tune and lyrics. That at least is very much authentic Tagore stuff, though you are now allowed to experiment with that too. I heard the song at least 10 times over two days. I haven't heard this song much...may be dad has casually sung once or twice, and there was a bit of drama in গানের  ওপারে  over মাঝে মাঝে তব  দেখা পাই - the usual Rituparno style. At that time I didn't imagine this song has so much in it. After a long long time some song has appealed to me to this extent.

Here is the link and translation (I feel the translation is really feeble this time, but still didn't feel like keeping the magic to myself)

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qYQZcOyUg80

Why cloud comes on the sky of my heart…and doesn’t let me see you?

The cloud of attachment doesn’t let me see you…

The cloud of attachment doesn’t…

It blinds me…it doesn’t let me see you…

Why do I get to see you only at times? Why not all the while?

In the dim light, as I open my eyes, and behold you -

O I might lose…always I fear …O I might lose you all of a sudden

Before my desires fulfil I might lose

Before I can blink I might lose

Before my heart’s thirst is quenched I might lose you all of a sudden

Why do I get to see you only at times? Why not all the while?

O do tell me what do I do..to get you? To keep you in my eyes…

O where do I get so much love my lord? To keep you in heart..

What means do I have that I can...

If you can’t have mercy on me…who can?

If you don’t come yourself…who can keep you in heart?

Why do I get to see you only at times? Why not all the while?

O I won’t look at anyone else anymore – I will make this vow on my life.

O if you tell me, right now I shall give up all my urges for material pleasure.

Will put at your beautiful feet my urges..

Will not clinch a bit to give up my urges..

Will give up for your sake, all my urges for material pleasure.

Why do I get to see you only at times? Why not all the while?

The healing touch...

I guess I had once put up this translation of a Tagore's song on my blog. I don't know...at times I feel it is a very outrageous thing to do. I am not experienced in any way. I don't know how to sing, I sing out of my own feelings, I was never trained. I am not too good in English. I am just being initiated to Rabindra Sangeet. In the true sense, just started listening to songs intently very late in my life, apart from Suman's renditions, may be from last year only.

But then again on the other hand, I feel, even if I can reach out to a minute number of people, and let them know about the magic and eloquence of Tagore's verses, which can give them hope in difficult situations, and provide inspiration and an immense sense of serenity - with which one can fight all crises...and...why only that...which can give them ways to express their exuberance in joy....their pride  in success...should I not help them out? I know many people read my blog, I do follow the statistics part, and feel happy that I am touching lives in some way...my never ending saga of frustration and agony might not be such a dreadful thing to someone who seeks some example of suffering to console oneself against the bad times one is going through.

Anyways my blogs are becoming a copy paste affair of my mails to Boo. At times I translate Tagore's songs to Boo. In fact, whatever songs I have translated so far, I have done for him only. It is beneficial to have someone in life who is not identical to you in every respect...you get to know things in  his arena, and give him a bit of yourself. So...as a start, I shall share my translation for "Aamar Praner Pare Chole Galo Ke". Once we reconciled after the last fight (to me it was crucial, don't know about him...according to my principles - he talked with me means he has some dedication towards me, without asking further questions, I am happy about that) I translated it for him...needed to tell him what I go through every time he hurts me, when I am scared that I shall lose him...

I am also providing a link in youtube for people who want to listen to the song. At the outset, let me clarify, this is only my attempt to reach out to people with Tagore's healing touch. I have benefited from it, I just want to pass it on. There is no other intention whatsoever.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T9Hp4CzMJRQ

who moved on over my life?

like the spring breeze...

he touched, he bent over, he bloomed hundreds of flowers...

then he left, without saying anything...

where he went? he didn't come back.

while going away...he looked back,

he sang something to me..

so...I am sitting alone in the flower garden

he has flown away like the waves,

he has gone to the land of moonbeams...

whichever way he has passed, 

he left his smile there...

I felt, from the glance in the corner of his eyes, as if he beckoned me also...

but where do I go? ohh...which way to go?

I am sitting alone and thinking...

he has touched the moon and it fell asleep,

he has touched some place in my heart, with a garland of flowers,

from beyond the flower garden, came his words,

and the fragrance of all the flowers followed him and left...

My heart swelled up, my eyes got closed, 

oh which way did he take, where did he go?

who moved on over my life.....?

Aamar praner pare chole galo ke...

When you are closing doors, close them properly. Don't keep that small peep hole open, from which sunlight can come in. Everyday, for the last 32 years, I have suffered. Suffered because of my dreams, which didn't want to come true, only I wanted them to come true.
Who can change destiny. Why did I fight against destiny so long? Today I let go. It is ok, my dear God, my dear Decider of Fate, if you don't want it to happen, I won't fight with You.
I don't know how to define "moh" in English. A very near term would be attachment. Why do you want happiness in life, why do you want to enjoy life? Because you are attached to life. This attachment comes because of several things, a family full of loving people, a life full of friends, a cupboard full of dresses and jewelry, a library full of books, everything that is dear to you, you want never to give them up, in fact you fear losing them.
It took time for me to overcome this attachment. Once I was crazy about reading, I gradually got weary. I forcibly got myself into this habit of watching movies, to avoid loneliness, now movies or no movie doesn't make a difference. I was a shopaholic in Singapore. I had 15 kgs of excess luggage while coming back. This time, so far, I haven't bought a single fancy thing for myself. Not a single thing. I lived in such a well managed way, there might not be even a single morsel of extra food in the fridge, by the time I leave.
I don't care anymore about life. I didn't desperately attempt to live when I met him. I had already given up my desires. Well...he managed to bring them back, manage to re-ignite some life inside me. Yes, I ended up dreaming. I thought, this time my dreams won't go in vain. And God got yet another chance to humiliate me. Yes my child, I have planned lots and lots of tears for you, so keep crying all your life...
Today I say NO to my dreams and my self pity. NO. I don't need the standard life that you have given other people. I accept the truth. Call me a coward, an escapist. I don't mind. I really love him a lot. I can't see him in this kind of a dilemma day in and day out. He spoke of ripple effect today. He said, he can't do something, whose ripple effect will destroy everything. He never noticed that he is doing something, whose ripple effect brought back life in a near dead person. That means, to him, my life is not important. I wrote to him today, after the call, and asked him to take a final firm decision. Either commit to me, or abandon me forever. I know he is a practical person. I can almost surely tell what decision he is going to take. But I also didn't want to keep this tiny vent open for light and oxygen. What do I do with the light, if I still feel blind? How does the oxygen help, if, even in its presence I keep gasping? So fly away, my dear birdie...just break free of all chains. God has made me exceptionally honest, and I am happy about that :)

Me and my glass of chilled beer...

The first gulp of beer always brings such a mingled feeling of - I guess the best word would be liberation. Its bitter sweet taste, its unique smell, and the very fact that I am drinking it, me, a middle class Bengali girl from a conservative family, the first generation female to work and travel out of country, the first generation female to have chosen to live independently and deny the usual norms of society, the apparently weak minded, dependent, cuddly, attention seeking girl, whom life has made so strong willed and self driven, my glass of beer seems to be the culmination of it all. I love my glass of beer. I had gained everything else on my own. The glass of beer tells me, I am supported in my decisions, few and rare though, I do have friends, and parents, who are blind about me. Who love me the way I am. I should thank my friend who introduced me to beer, but he being an European, this was nothing much to him. But to the people who are from my own undecided country, which is still unsure about whether to go forward or move backward, accepting me this way, was a huge leap. Cheers to dad, mom and Boo - love you all :)

A long pending movie review...

I gave two hours of my life to a second time watching of a movie called Sarkar Raj. RGV, might be facing troubles now, but I (and especially my brother) have always been fond of RGV movies. If not movies, then his movie thinking. His "soch".

I had liked Sarkar Raj a lot, first time I had watched it in theater. I was going through a difficult time then... (my readers would laugh now - is there any time which is not a difficult time in my life?) I remember having started writing a review (should still be somewhere there in my home laptop which is now in Bangalore). I especially liked the last scene, "ek chai lana"...well, I was still in love with my teaholic, very much in love, and that was the time when he was engaged and still not married.

One fine Saturday, we happened to discuss about the movie too. He said, he liked Sarkar more than Sarkar Raj. I protested. I said some dialogue, on my usual favorite topic, man woman interdependence. And I wrote something on the relationship of Shankar and Anita. At times you are put in a situation together, in such a way, that an unknown person becomes closer than your own blood, discovers you more than your own family ever did. I remembered all those things, while watching the movie once again. And I remembered his small request. I don't understand as well as you do, will you write a review? May be a request made in mockery, but he had said all the same.

But Sarkar Raj is not about Shankar and Anita only. To my romantic eyes - yes, but otherwise - no. Sarkar Raj breaks the myth about power. Power can create, but power can't protect. Power can avenge, but power can't dictate. The close ups, a RGV signature, and the shadowy photography, gives you such an eerie feeling. Life is like that, we are working all the while towards more life, with death watching over us.

I like Supriya Pathak's character. She is no doubt one of the finest actresses in India, but the character Pushpa in itself has so much strength. The eternal Indian housewife, who has full faith in her husband. Her entire life shatters, she loses both her sons and one daughter in law, yet, as instructed by her husband, she steadily walks on to telephone and bring in her only grandson into this whirlwind. Life is about giving it all, Tagore has said in so many songs...give everything you have.

Some scenes are very strong, and make a long lasting mark in your mind. The old lady, chopping betel nut, with much precision, though she is nearly blind, and Avantika watching it in awe and getting a hunch of imposing threat...one favorite of ours is the unnamed contract killer, who speaks in sign language...and whose gloved hand is shown to speak throughout the movie, in his life and death, that is all the communication he does. The not so prime characters also give such intense expressions, that you get to know how strong a director RGV is. Just check out Bala's acting in the movie. A parallel track in itself.

The music is ultimate. Govida chant apart, the songs make a mark. The occasional humor is also nice, one more favorite of us is...Shankar ko hum...gapuchi gapuchi gam gam....

This review would have been much better if my brother would have written it. He is an authority on RGV movies. He understands the pulse of RGV movies. As for me, I have almost stopped watching movies these days, my type of movies are just not being made. But I liked Sarkar Raj, I am not an action movie person, but yes, I am a social movie person definitely. As a social movie, Sarkar Raj is among the strongest that have ever been made in India.

And yes, I am a literature person. I loved reading The Godfather. No doubt an adaptation from there, as I watched the movie, I remembered glimpses from the story. Women always make amends for their men's obstinacy and overconfidence. We, almost always end up paying a very hefty price for their lack of flexibility. Some men understand it, and write novels. Some men understand it, and make films. But still, men don't change. They remain their way, we keep suffering, and yet, can't stop loving them either.

How life changes...

I remember a scene from an insignificant movie called "Bichhoo". The girl is crying, the guy asks why? The girl says, "Ghar parivar yaad aa rahe hain"...the guy says "Arre pagli, ab main hi tera ghar hoon, main hi tera parivar".

I didn't have any intention to talk with him again. But still, I found myself writing him a rather wooden kind of mail, to congratulate him on his 10 years' service anniversary. And I was surprised to find myself happy, and proud. I was almost beaming. In due course of time, a reply also came, equally wooden. And I finally blurted out to Boo. From morning I was trying to tell him, he was not interested. He heard, and didn't react or say anything, just listened, and then went on with his work. But I could distinctly hear, "Arre pagli, ab main hi tera ghar hoon, main hi tera parivar".

He replied wooden, doesn't surprise me. Our love story is history now. And in our love story, he had very little "love" to contribute, all he had was "care". But me? A girl who broke all existing bondage, vowed to remain unmarried and love him unconditionally, who considered his son as her own kid, how can the equation change so much for her?

Last September only it was right, when I was so swept with emotion when he pinged almost after a year? Half an October, and half a November of love, followed by months of uncertainly and fruitless talks, numerous ego issues, infinite hurt, fights, and bruises later, I realize, he hardly means anything to me. Because, hurt, fights and bruises apart, there is the caramel popcorn, there is the musk melon juice from the same glass, there are the getting drunk evenings and candlelight dinners, which has quite quite changed my life. I have someone, to whom, I mean a lot. Touch wood!!!

3 incidents and an epilogue...

Mail on June 4 - Evening:


you know...I have read so many times...don't take a decision in haste...

I am not taking a decision in haste...

I can not talk about you....

I am not able to take it any more...

man...just think...have I ever been this bugging? have I ever irritated you to this extent? sticking on to you like chewing gum...just finding contexts to talk...just allowing you to kick me around?

just what has gone wrong?

it is not my fault...it is you who is closing the doors...you being so undecided about your life, you are leading me to an identity crisis. You are not sure if you love me, you are not sure if u want me as a friend, you are just not sure how to react to me...

is this you? being unnecessarily rude...just hurting someone...and seeing her cry in pain...you just hurt more...you have lost humanity man...

tell me...don't I have work? don't I need concentration and peace of mind? I go through hell everyday....just feel like killing myself every moment...because of your treatment...

you have work...I have work...just say a small hi and be done with...why so much weighing of pros n cons in mind...I don't greet my other friends everyday...n all...ask urself...is it the true reason...or u r just trying to stop urself deliberately....u hurt me...lose me...and spoil both our lives....such a sadomasochist u r...

either stop drawing boundaries...don't call...don't mail...don't ping...

or be alone and be happy....

man...tell me what is my fault...I go through these frequent bouts of depression...you know yourself how pathetic these bouts can be...u remember last time I was in prague...didn't want to buy more voip time...u remember how mad I was sounding....?

it was u who had calmed me down....

am I not allowed that friend anymore? if I call on two successive days, you'll get irritated...why man? I am not binding you...I am not stepping in ur space...I just need you at times...no replacement is there...I can't approach anyone else...

how contradictory u r man...if u say I love u to a girl...I guess u shd never ever say...I don't belong to u and neither do u belong to me...

see man I am a very peace loving and simple girl...I can't understand ur complicated mind...

I know what u have gone through...n u know what u r doing? u r denying to urself that u have gone through anything at all...and letting the same thing repeat in life...sometime...God is unkind to somebody...as with me may be...but to u...he was not unkind...he tried to make amends...u have just decided to lose the opportunity...

I just feel miserable today...I won't take this anymore....I have decided...I won't say I shall stop loving you...that'd be a lie...but I don't see any gratification from this relationship...so I call it quits...I hope this news makes you very very happy...you are free now....I don't have you in my life...I don't know you any more...

Chat on June 5 - Morning:

he: good morning.. gentle women.

 me: good morning boo boo

  it has been 2 days we haven't talked

I was 97% dead :(

 he: uff.. stop

  hows office

  u got offshore.. deliverables

 me: very cold today

 he: ?

 me: shivering

  upar se...plz dont be angry

  I m upset no

  so haven't taken bath for 2 days

  :( :(

 he: non sense.

 me: so in a terrible mood

he: its cold.. i also used to skip

  :)

June 5 - Evening:

Reached home early...was feeling light...relieved...happy...rang up mom pretty early...almost 2 hours earlier than usual...she was a bit hasty in picking up...
"oh, is it you...ya tell..."
"mom...you tell...let me relax for a while and just listen to you...I'm too tired today..."
It was then that she broke in tears...sobbing she just managed to say...
"I have nothing to tell...my sister died today"

Epilogue:


Mom...is an only child. This sister is mom's cousin...little elder to her. There is absolutely no way she could have died. She is this splendid lady...has got everything from life, gave back more to life. Didn't have any reason to complain, and never complained too....always happy, always smiling, always spreading cheer....always works...never rests....never scolds....always loves....this unique lady....the rare souls who come on this earth just to spread joy...how can she have died?

See, she lost nothing in death too...didn't suffer much, some infection that took her life before any treatment could be done. Has this full family left behind, kids hugely successful and happily settled in life, husband is alive, two brothers and even her 83 year old mom...everyone is alive and healthy, leaving back this flourishing family, she peacefully dies. But what of those who are left behind - what about them? None of her kids could be near their mom as she died - one stays in a different city, one outside the country. How guilty would they be feeling? Career, life, all aside...they lost their mom just like that? Was not able to do anything despite all their means?

And how strangely it affected me...
Amidst all my sorrowful days, I never got a moment's time to remember my aunt. And there I was...just sitting like a statue on the couch, with all her memories flooding my mind and her beautiful face flashing in front of my eyes. When I met her last December, she couldn't stop from praising me - don't be fat, don't be thinner, you are just perfect. From early childhood all memories I had of aunt, everything came back - she coaxing me to eat, when I was hell bent on fasting for the Pujas, if I start to think...because of her I got my first class education in a public school, my parents were all set to get me admitted in this Government school where English was being taught from the sixth standard. She and her husband insisted on me learning good English and convinced my parents to go beyond their means. I never had time to remember her with gratitude, call her once and thank her for the million ways in which she has taken care of me and my family - when she was by no means required to do so. My mom has always been her little kid sister, always pampered her, always advised about her health, always scolded dad for not taking enough care of her. Her daughter was in the same way, my guardian angel in my first days in school. She would come to meet me everyday during the break, and I'd feel so reassured that my big sister is there to take care of the tiny me in this class full of unknown faces (I was shy even then, I am unsocial even now). My heart goes out to that big sister, who is red in the eyes crying for her mom, and could reach to see her dead body, 3 days after her death. How terrible is it to let go of your nearest person, the one who brought you to this earth, without even bidding a proper good bye - to see a 3 day old still body taken out from the cold storage. For the sake of one's talent, education, ambitions, one has to drift away from home, but what is the cost one pays?

My so called man in life, he is not a romantic type. Not one who can console or even speak much. But he supported me in his own way. When I snapped at him, saying "you were the so called only grief of my life, I just realized there is something else too that can make me cry" - he didn't feel bad. In his lame way he told me some silly story and just tried diverting my mind. He is not a caring soul - but unlike the other people who happened to care a lot but couldn't do their duty till the end, this guy is not ready to part with me so easily.

I was feeling sad for my uncle. What will he do at this age without his wife? Perhaps he doesn't even know how to cook...

I told Boo...it is ok, you die first, I will live without you...you can't live without me. And the chat went like this:

me: like...when u r old...nothing more to achieve...then only die

  till then m with u

  like chewing gum :P

did I ever...

  call u...like this?

  my mishti boo...

 he: non sense.

 me: u won't know what mishti meansso u won't be angry

 he: i get rid of everything

 nothing can stick to me

 me: chewing gum under ur shoes...

 he: and i dont stick to anything

me: very difficult to get rid off

  :P

  u wont notice

 he: i will change the shoe

 me: I wl steal over to the new shoehe: stop now

  me: if u want me to go so much

 why did u talk to me y'day

  I had left u...

  u cd have been happy

 he: is it..

  i didnt know that

 me: ya

lost ur only opportunity of a life time

  idiot u r

 he: no .

  now.. get lost

me: no...

  gimme smile first?

he: what ever.

So, as you see, life moves on...our love story also continues, may be some day we'll be married and we'll have kids - and all of a sudden I will die just like that...without anyone near me - or perhaps, somewhere, some girl in a distant country will be sitting in the couch and shedding tears - saying, aunt, forgive me, I have never said thanks to you...you have always been so good to me, to everyone...
I told Boo...I have this sixth sense no....pretty strong sixth sense, I knew something bad is going to happen. I thought that bad would be our break up, a probable break up that was glued by one simple voluntary good morning from his end. If only...we could bring back lives so easily....

Justification of insensitivity...

Be a neutral audience and hear out my trauma....even I am fumbling....to understand what has gone wrong...why I have become so unstable...


I wrote this mail to him last night...


you know...I have perhaps never been so angry in life...

it is like...u might understand if I tell like this...

there was this long pent up anger...which I was not giving importance, was just keeping low....ignoring....

yesterday....when I went to sleep...I cried for the first time...it is like...you will tell...what is new in ur crying...u keep crying all the time...

not like that...it was different...it was like...what crap is this life....

today morning I was furious...furious to the extreme ultimate extent...I cried...loudly...way babies cry when they are starving....

then...just to spend time...I took bath, washed clothes...spread the clothes for drying....all this I did...

then as I started talking to u....may be I felt better....went and ate also...had a chocolate also....felt better....

I was watching this movie....and talking to u...then u got offline without saying...I didn't give much importance...just kept watching...

the movie ended...I just checked if u r online...found u logged out n just left some offline msgs..and shut down the laptop...

it was then...like a bomb...the anger broke inside my head...it streamed out of my entire body....I was so so angry...I simply can't put in words...

I just knew I had to go out of this wretched room and take a walk...else I wl die...

u won't believe...I didn't take my cell...didn't wear earring....wrist watch...nothing...just stormed out of the house....

went to the atm...got money first thing....too much boo it is...I can't have this budgeted existence...period...

everytime someone telling inside my head...u'll lose ur job...anyday now...u'll never get married...no one to support u in old age...no one to support ur parents...so save...save...save...I can't boo boo...there is a limit to everything....

every new dress I see in shop....man I can buy all of them...literally the entire collection in the mall....yet I would just stop myself...

all the while just hold back....

u have no future...u have no future...no one is there to watch u in nice dress....ENOUGH

man I never thought I'd stop dreaming entirely....

u know...some friend posted a SG photo...n tagged me...another friend was saying...where was this photo so long? u look so good...

I used to do so much shopping in SG...this swarovski earrings n necklace, this quaint jute  knitted top...the sea green colored t shirt....and I have lovely photos in them...I used to live so much at that time...

why have I stopped living? 

I waited at the nearest tram station...no tram was there...walked to the next station...a tram just left....I was wondering whether to keep walking...when I saw another tram coming...on saturdays n sundays (sobota n nedele they call here)...many trams go out of their usual routes....I didn't know the route of this tram, was undecided...then started running...luckily the tram driver kept the door open till I reached...n I got up...

2 stations went by which I didn't know even by name...the third station seemed familiar...n I got down...so angry I was till then....

I got down....there was this man who was coming running...like me...but the tram driver didn't stop this time....the man showed his middle finger to the tram driver...

why do people behave differently with different people...he waited for me...I didn't thank him or gave him a smile...perhaps should have...but I got up and down from the last door...he was too far...this guy...I guess he didn't stop for him thinking I have been so ungrateful...n he was shown the middle finger...

walked a little while...saw a daddy playing with a little girl...all dressed in pink...saw a flower shop...the lady looked at me with expectation...perhaps she hasn't sold much....went on...walked walked...crossed the road...again crossed the next road...till I reached the next tram station...

had been lucky...before I could even reach, a tram came up that goes to my house...got into the tram...

saw this lady...she was fat...very fat n not good looking also...I wdn't have put so much attention on her if she didn't have a cigarette packet in her hand, with a cigarette pulled out of it...held between her fingers, she was so desperate...moment she gets down from the tram she'd start smoking...then...next moment...she took out this bottle from her bag...n held it in between her legs....and then I saw...tears streaming down her eyes...she trying her best to cover up her face with her short hair...

I put on this extremely stern face u know boo...almost a heartless look I had...sans all softness...as if I didn't notice...as if I don't care...

I have cried so many times in public transport...I know I beg in my mind then...that people don't notice...don't sympathize...

I got down one tram station away from my home...and walked back....just rushed on to call mom...poor lady was overwhelmed...what has happened to her daughter...it was well past 12:30...in india...everyone at home was up and worrying about me...

don't know what I get by telling u....anger was primarily on u...so had to tell u...but more than that...I thought...if u have read through this story...it will help u somehow...I unburdened myself anyways....

good night...head is still throbbing with anger...I just wanna go back boo...it was a wrong decision to come here...either I'd have never gone back to india and done this goof up with u which has obviously wrecked me beyond repair....or I should have never come back here...thinking I wl be able to forget u n move on....

If you are done with reading this long boring mail...then in a nut shell I will tell you what I had to undergo today. No reply to this mail. Then I waited for more that a hour after reaching office and getting online...no ping....when we talk...the conversation went like this....

me: ya  

because it hurts me  

u know how I feel  

everytime in the morning...I login with trepidation...wl he have mailed?  

n then when I don't see...it is like...someone with very long sharp nails digs at my hurt...  

I feel that much pain 

bt doesn't matter...to u...  

so u can keep ignoring me...  

and keep showing it to me that I am not important enough...

he: see... small small things is such a big deal for u  

i cant handle u.. i am telling that

knife in heart.. punch in face

all that sounds a lot of crap for me

i have better things to do .. than dreaming how some one is feeling ... some time.. ...

I don't know why I am writing this here. My intention is not to draw sympathy. I just want to tell the world, what I am going through. Is this the dream relationship I wanted? After going through so much in life, is this the man I have chosen, hoping he will shield me? Why am I making myself go through this? I shall definitely go mad if this continues for a while more....God, was I born on this earth just to get stab after stab after stab in the heart? Am I never permitted a moment of peace? Just a moment?

Difference...

Just how different is this time's stay in Prague than the other times? Well I'll try to enumerate.
1. I write so less. If you see...all other times my onsite stays are the ones when my blog has really come alive. I have so much time...to think and talk and walk through this realm of self realization. But this time it is so different. I am tired, or lazy or weary to write on my repetitive thoughts. It seems I have been put in a time capsule. Can do nothing as per my wish, as per a predefined schedule. I am always running late and never able to find enough motivation. The crux of the matter is, I put down my thoughts or don't, either ways it'd lead to nowhere.
2. I don't like Prague. I don't know how many times I have  written in this blog itself, and just how many more times I have told everyone I know, that Prague is my most favorite place on earth. And this time, nothing attracts me. It seems so lifeless. Can you imagine, in my stay of more than a month, I have never gone to Charles Bridge and Old Town Square? Only home, office, Tesco and Interspar has been my domain here. Only existence, no life...
3. I am more unsocial than ever. I seldom login to gtalk, except office hours, I hardly ever login to Facebook. I haven't talked yet with anyone except mom, dad and Boo over the phone, except the official calls.
4. First time I am onsite and I am reading a book. This has never ever happened. Not in Singapore, not in my earlier visits to Prague. I have always carried books with me, but never ever read them, not even a page. This time, I have finished around 470 pages of a 700+ period novel in Bengali (Sei Samay). It is not that  I enjoy reading the book or remain engrossed in it completely. Even this I do reluctantly....but I do.
5. I don't know why...but it seems it is becoming an all negative's list:
~I planned to go and sit in this nearby park and do some pencil sketch - didn't work out.
~I made this wonderful prawn curry with coconut and didn't enjoy eating it - it is supposed to be my most favorite food on earth, just ate it mechanically.
~Every weekend I prepare some new stuff, take a photo and send Bee, as for me, all I fret is the cooking is not spoiled, I'm able to finish it before that.
6. The only happy part is when I eat lunch out with my Czech colleagues, and end up giving them a good doze of lecture every time, on India in particular and Asia in general. Mostly I'm doing all the talking, they just ask questions, and they might be bored, but I enjoy it a lot...
7. My complete lack of chemistry with the Leo. Why the Leo, men in general don't allure me anymore. Despite all my efforts at looking good, I look less than average (mostly because of my Snivellus Snape type of hair), and I have kind of given up on all girlish feelings. Towards the beginning of my stay I made such a fuss about my eyebrows, and went and got an expensive pair of tweezers, but now, eyebrows are again in bad shape, and I don't even care.
8. My entire times goes in Boo. I talk to him, think about him, mail him, chat with him, quarrel if he doesn't show enough interest, and on top of that even dream about him. Strange strange dreams, where mostly he is going away from me or just treating me as a mere acquaintance. It breaks my heart when Boo doesn't give me enough importance...when he is not romantic (and he is never romantic, never ever). I can't explain...I just crave to be near him. I feel, for the first ever time in my life, I am ready for a life with someone else, having considered all the cons, all the loopholes, all the loss of independence. I feel so so ready to chuck away my old life and enter a new one. I am still undecided, about what to do, if an offer comes to stay here further. The reason why I am not yet raising it is, in the core of my heart, I really want to go back. Be with him. I can't imagine a life without him now.

Ok, time to go and start preparation for my squid rings. That is first item for this weekend :)