Old songs and brooding...

The problem in my life is that I have this sane head on my shoulders. I am impossibly analytical. In fact, if truth be told, I am quite an asset if you consider my executional capabilities. I have made this assessment in a very neutral manner - in fact way I am suicidal about my career and reluctant towards finding an alternative, I often reflect that if I stop working then it'd be quite a loss to the offices that require management skills. But that is not why I sat down to write.

I feel like talking about the song "আমি হৃদয়ের কথা বলিতে ব্যাকুল, শুধাইল না কেহ..." from the standpoint of an introvert. Doesn't an introvert need to speak out what she has in her mind? What was my mistake in all this? I was initially doing just a social experiment by being a bit outspoken on FB...who asked him to step in this? And now, this extent of addiction later, he wants us to stay aloof. When I can barely survive without reading the things he reads. And the things he writes sweep me away, yet I can't respond. I am not allowed to be the mad girl, I am supposed to retain this head on my shoulders and not let my heart flutter.

But then, if I think calmly enough, it's all my mistake. I mixed up reality with imagination. I deserve to suffer because I did that. But won't he pardon me for this slip? I wanted to keep this to myself. But look at what's been going on. With every step I thought that this is the worst that could happen this year. And I was mercilessly proven wrong. I know that this only is life, and I am living just to die this slow and excruciatingly lonely death. But I clung to this bubble because I didn't want to die as yet. It was just one or two small instances of expressing myself. I cannot lie. Doesn't he understand this much?

It doesn't help. Eating out, buying expensive dresses, pretending to be on top of the world. Because a world doesn't really exist for me. It is just me behind closed doors, shedding silent tears.

I was happy to have built this bubble with my once upon a time best friend. Then I did that mistake again - of mixing up reality with imagination. And he destroyed my bubble in the most rude way possible...and yesterday, when for some reason he chose to surface on FB again - I realized that I am not attracted to him anymore. I can't love people who have hurt me.

You used to make fun of me and my taglines. You understood they were for you and did nothing. But you made sure about telling me that you've read each and every one of them. And after you got married, both of us stopped writing taglines for gtalk. I still remember things you told me. Not to nurture expectations in my mind...I don't. Not to follow any bliss for too long - I, bossie, have finally realized, I am not supposed to have any bliss, my bliss doesn't lead to peace.