Sunbeams and uncertainty...

I rather like such situations when I switch off the Internet. I do this usually in the extreme cases. Like, there has been a major goof up or breach of protocol at office (by my seniors or juniors of course - because I can't do any mistake, can I?) - and I write a letter in protest...very angry but citing ample logic in support of my point of view...and it is obvious that if my demands are not complied with, I'd think of the obvious next step - resignation. It's not easy for a workaholic to face such an uncertain situation - I switch off the Internet to relax. Thankfully I have usually got very understanding seniors at office - they value me as a human resource. So when I switch on the Internet next morning, in trepidation, more often than not, a positive response is waiting for me.

But this time it is about love and closure. Because I loved someone, and now I am coming out of that phase. No, not because he has not treated me well, like the inhumans I usually happen to meet. But because I understand the impossibility of the relationship and also because I kind of know, by my strong sense of logic, that he's not interested in me in a way I want. But I can't just let go of my romanticism just like that, or for that matter, my ego. So I try to say a feeble good bye to him and also try to pretend that he's been no one special, I talk like this with almost everyone. Also, in a cryptic way I want to tell him that I am not a person who can hide truth easily, I have been following him and observing him. And then I switch off the Internet.

Good byes are difficult things. I break into tears as I tune in to some favorite songs - and finally the "I like blue" dialogue. My favorite dialogue on earth. I forcibly fall asleep and then wake up a the break of the dawn. My room is getting flooded by sunbeams. I switch on the WiFi dongle. Still I don't have courage enough to switch on the Internet on my phone. I banter a little with my parents, call up Ananya and wish her good morning and then drink a cup of coffee. I concentrate on writing this. The morning vendors are describing their various wares. I have always been in awe of the underprivileged people, mostly because of the sheer amount of effort that they put in to sustain themselves. I am not a morning person - in another half an hour I will start feeling sleepy...and believe me or not, I have a two page to-do list. Why is life so painful yet the sun so warm and comforting?