Wednesday, November 30, 2016
My masterpiece :)
Sunday, November 27, 2016
Old songs and brooding...
The problem in my life is that I have this sane head on my shoulders. I am impossibly analytical. In fact, if truth be told, I am quite an asset if you consider my executional capabilities. I have made this assessment in a very neutral manner - in fact way I am suicidal about my career and reluctant towards finding an alternative, I often reflect that if I stop working then it'd be quite a loss to the offices that require management skills. But that is not why I sat down to write.
I feel like talking about the song "আমি হৃদয়ের কথা বলিতে ব্যাকুল, শুধাইল না কেহ..." from the standpoint of an introvert. Doesn't an introvert need to speak out what she has in her mind? What was my mistake in all this? I was initially doing just a social experiment by being a bit outspoken on FB...who asked him to step in this? And now, this extent of addiction later, he wants us to stay aloof. When I can barely survive without reading the things he reads. And the things he writes sweep me away, yet I can't respond. I am not allowed to be the mad girl, I am supposed to retain this head on my shoulders and not let my heart flutter.
But then, if I think calmly enough, it's all my mistake. I mixed up reality with imagination. I deserve to suffer because I did that. But won't he pardon me for this slip? I wanted to keep this to myself. But look at what's been going on. With every step I thought that this is the worst that could happen this year. And I was mercilessly proven wrong. I know that this only is life, and I am living just to die this slow and excruciatingly lonely death. But I clung to this bubble because I didn't want to die as yet. It was just one or two small instances of expressing myself. I cannot lie. Doesn't he understand this much?
It doesn't help. Eating out, buying expensive dresses, pretending to be on top of the world. Because a world doesn't really exist for me. It is just me behind closed doors, shedding silent tears.
I was happy to have built this bubble with my once upon a time best friend. Then I did that mistake again - of mixing up reality with imagination. And he destroyed my bubble in the most rude way possible...and yesterday, when for some reason he chose to surface on FB again - I realized that I am not attracted to him anymore. I can't love people who have hurt me.
You used to make fun of me and my taglines. You understood they were for you and did nothing. But you made sure about telling me that you've read each and every one of them. And after you got married, both of us stopped writing taglines for gtalk. I still remember things you told me. Not to nurture expectations in my mind...I don't. Not to follow any bliss for too long - I, bossie, have finally realized, I am not supposed to have any bliss, my bliss doesn't lead to peace.
Friday, November 25, 2016
The Demonetization Demons...
Tuesday, November 22, 2016
Passion and fall...
A song is no song till you sing it...
It's hard to hold a candle in the cold November rain...
You've written this against my tagline...
10 years - of playing that game, and losing everything that I ever believed in...and then this happened...
We would only hold on to let go.
The last leaf...
May be you should fall because that's what rivers do.
Oh, it's just your romanticism. These are just unrelated thoughts from two unconnected minds. Right?
Fall? Where? How much more? Haven't I already sunk deep enough? You inundate me...in dreams, as I fall asleep and as I wake up...
Don't write things so beautiful,
That she falls from grace...
O poet, this girl is such a fool,
Your wordplay gives her stress...
Stress reminds me - (because chess rhymes with stress) - yesterday I watched a beautiful movie on the French channel that dad watches - the man, he plays chess. He teaches the game to his (supposedly) cleaning lady. The lady goes on to win a championship and travels to Paris thereafter. They speak in E4, rook, queen and stuff like that. You should have seen my expressions while watching the movie. Ah, passion. And he thinks nobody ever had a crush on him...
May be I don't count. I am old. Gives me such a heartbreak...
Friday, November 18, 2016
Happiness and otherwise: the toggle mode...
Yes, I finally discovered that happiness has its own language, but unfortunately I am so busy today that I have no time to write about this. The other day my music teacher, who is also my friend, was telling me that her riyaz is her bliss. I told her that mine is the few lines I manage to write when I feel overwhelmed...that vent of expressing myself is my bliss.
You know why I love him? Because he knows the contradiction in me. So full of life, yet so lifeless. And hopefully, unlike the previous men I met, he doesn't judge.
But all good things come to an end. And in my life, quickly. So however much happy his presence makes me, I can't let it become a habit. And the goosebumps that his thoughts give me - I can't ever dwell on those thoughts.
Finally, this is my life. Burning eyes. Coaxing myself to sleep. A dreamless night. Leading to yet another routine morning.
Wednesday, November 16, 2016
Sunbeams and uncertainty...
I rather like such situations when I switch off the Internet. I do this usually in the extreme cases. Like, there has been a major goof up or breach of protocol at office (by my seniors or juniors of course - because I can't do any mistake, can I?) - and I write a letter in protest...very angry but citing ample logic in support of my point of view...and it is obvious that if my demands are not complied with, I'd think of the obvious next step - resignation. It's not easy for a workaholic to face such an uncertain situation - I switch off the Internet to relax. Thankfully I have usually got very understanding seniors at office - they value me as a human resource. So when I switch on the Internet next morning, in trepidation, more often than not, a positive response is waiting for me.
But this time it is about love and closure. Because I loved someone, and now I am coming out of that phase. No, not because he has not treated me well, like the inhumans I usually happen to meet. But because I understand the impossibility of the relationship and also because I kind of know, by my strong sense of logic, that he's not interested in me in a way I want. But I can't just let go of my romanticism just like that, or for that matter, my ego. So I try to say a feeble good bye to him and also try to pretend that he's been no one special, I talk like this with almost everyone. Also, in a cryptic way I want to tell him that I am not a person who can hide truth easily, I have been following him and observing him. And then I switch off the Internet.
Good byes are difficult things. I break into tears as I tune in to some favorite songs - and finally the "I like blue" dialogue. My favorite dialogue on earth. I forcibly fall asleep and then wake up a the break of the dawn. My room is getting flooded by sunbeams. I switch on the WiFi dongle. Still I don't have courage enough to switch on the Internet on my phone. I banter a little with my parents, call up Ananya and wish her good morning and then drink a cup of coffee. I concentrate on writing this. The morning vendors are describing their various wares. I have always been in awe of the underprivileged people, mostly because of the sheer amount of effort that they put in to sustain themselves. I am not a morning person - in another half an hour I will start feeling sleepy...and believe me or not, I have a two page to-do list. Why is life so painful yet the sun so warm and comforting?
Sunday, November 13, 2016
Memories and bitterness...
Friday, November 11, 2016
My baby boy...
There goes my lisping,
There goes my sugary chirps,
Nikhu baby is sleeping...
He won't once more be able to sing,
He won't be able to charm back life
In this almost zombie thing...
I lost one for the lack of it,
I don't get why the world goes on...
I don't like God a wee small bit.
Thursday, November 10, 2016
Bring it on...
Wednesday, November 9, 2016
Warmth...
As I grow older, I learn to seek happiness in the most insignificant things. Like getting up wheezing on an early November day, 6 in the morning, and feeling the chill in the air. Opening up the windows anyway to let the feeble sunlight come in. And then finding the shawl and wrapping it around myself for the first time in the season. Ah! Warmth...comfort and all that signifies the role of wool in winter. Feeding the dog. Dog's being lazy. He won't get up, I only kneel down and lean in to take the biscuit to his mouth. Dad's shaking the shiuli tree. Flowers come down, but not as plentiful as before. They will be offered to my grandma and her Gods.
For the first time in my life I have understood it. Dream but don't put a precondition that it will be fulfilled. In fact be sure that it won't. Still be happy that you are able to dream...
Sunday, November 6, 2016
Sanity
Baby, I am going to inject some sanity in you. Because, this, what you are doing to yourself, is harmful. You call it your bubble. But then you start trusting the make believe world. You think of reciprocation. Which is not possible, at least in this case. So, please for the sake of God, forget this. Come out of this madness. Even the booking clerk was more real than this. Rito was more real, he spoke to you and ended the relationship on his own accord.
You have chosen your miseries. You have to live with those. Conformation is not your strong point. You have to bear the consequences of having chosen a life that doesn't conform to the society's norms. But don't even dare to be this kind of a non-conformist. It won't work out and the mess would really weigh on your well-being. Resort to the break up song and break up with your fantasies. Don't bother to delete these recent entries. Let that be your only consolation. If someday he reads them, he'd call you mad and heave a sigh of relief knowing that you broke up with him.
And then I'd get drunk and keep walking on the roads at night. I once called him in the morning. Not morning, 11-ish. He must have been sleeping. That sleepy, grumpy tone of his voice still rings in my mind. And I am asked to differentiate reality from imagination. Reality is that I am depressed - and when I am depressed I stop taking care of me. I haven't taken a decent bath in the last two days, I am not going to the doctor when I know that something is seriously wrong in my system. What more can die within me, after what I have already killed, and I can never bring back? Yes all that is reality, my reality. And his reality is that he is the kind of person who'd be able to love a girl like me. There's no imagination in that.
A girl like me, but not me. That's called irony. Welcome to India :)
Friday, November 4, 2016
The acknowledgement...
It was in Delhi, on the Saturday when I read my paper. We came back to the hotel dog tired. It is usual that whenever I go to Delhi I am bound to get a toothache. Probably because I eat too much. But that's besides the point. Have I ever mentioned here the broken tooth, the one I broke when I was 17 years old? I refuse to get rid of it till I get married (I already have one tooth plucked out, not another one before my marriage). So I live with that broken tooth, and a subtle threat to my life and well being. So, I could understand that something has got stuck inside the broken inner wall of that tooth, and I was trying to bring that out. Finally I gave up and dozed off. When I woke up, it had come out by itself...through some magic. It was a coriander seed. My first bout of "it's a sign!"
The second bout came at 11:59 pm of 29th October. His mail (last of those philosophical mails) came in and I won my first chess game with the CPU, almost at the same moment. It was uncanny. I got entirely dumbfounded. At times you have to stop yourself from pursuing things that you want to do. I too had to opt out. Who knows how far things would have got?