"I don't hope for a relationship at this stage of my life" is what I had written here, but I the mad girl I have been lately, that's what I started imagining in my heart of hearts. Because I am non-conventional by choice and by practice. I don't like conventions and stereotypes. I hoped he'd be different too. He'd also be attracted towards me in the way I am, because of our sheer similarity. Of thinking, of preferences, of passions. That he made me smile every time we met, and I made him smile too, led me on. Happiness is such a rarity na, like a good cup of warm chocolaty coffee?
Last night I finally decided to give up on the madness. To step back from the world of "major data consumption" to my old world of storybooks and movies. Because that's not me. Outspoken is not me. I always had opinions. Crystal clear and logically strong, well analyzed opinions. I am just not expressive in public. He was all set to break the barrier. But if I start speaking about India and it's oddities, the world and it's hypocrites, I will not be able to stop. Because I have had a pretty eventful life, I am quite well read and I think deeply and have a lot of free time to do these things. I am not a "my two cents of wisdom and opinion through a tweet full of half-words" person. Moreover, I am open minded, I call a spade a spade, call off bluffs very easily these days and having met the extreme kinds of people throughout my life, I kinda know human nature by now. I know the sheer value of life too and the suddenness yet everlasting effects of events, that most others don't. So despite the fact that I am tired of fighting my depression and feel extremely rude in my mind and want a secluded life at times, if I start expressing my opinions even twice daily - that'd make an impact. I don't want that limelight.
Having said that, why I stopped is not my obsession with silence. I was making a fool of myself. I was a puppy who was eating out of his hands and would look forward to it all day. I had started being irrational...thoughts that'd come to my mind would be typical lovers' thoughts, that we'd run away and have our own world. I had to put an end to this. There is no love. Between us. Period.
My life will never be a normal life, I wish it or not. Expectations just increase the amount of depression I have to deal with.
If time had gone a bit differently, Ron and Hermione wouldn't have been married. Ron would have been married alright, but the awesome, ever-so-talented, fiercely-supportive-and-protective-of-her-loved-ones Hermione - what kind of a life would she have led? No personal life, neither at the pinnacle of her career, not even realizing her full potential. But yet, in the other world, it's Ron who says that he can't imagine an alternate world, any world without Hermione. Because it's his loss entirely. Losing a lover like Hermione just because of circumstances...I am being that Hermione - knowing full well in all my wisdom that I am in the wrong world in this life - I won't get my Ron...no point dreaming...
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