Nonsense like never before :(

This is one time when I really truly miss my diary writing. I could have been totally totally candid there. Which I can't do here. Ya I make it immensely more melodramatic, oh those pitchers full of water (you know, that saline water from my tears)...God, isn't there enough reasons why I stopped writing my diary entries?? :D :D - I could never bring myself up to read them again...(I can half hear my blog readers crying - "save us, we're in the same boat", but trust me that was worse)...

Crest and trough would surely be among my all time favorite phrases...given my perpetual state of mental instability. But last night was...oh my! That shout of "Behave!" must have been the loudest I said to myself in what? 20 years...Of course I am feeling 16, else I probably couldn't have been doing this...that's obvious...

So, no, no, no, that's not the end at all...I imagine myself actually "behaving" after the scold...you know, with that typical duck face look...(nobody loves me, I'm not allowed to show my ecstasy, ok I will behave)...I start imagining myself...quiet (ROTFL right there...me and quiet, it'd be so unnatural). So I try to practice being quiet, disinterested, hurt, emotional...averting my gaze...you know, doing exactly the things which'd tell everyone that I am being unnatural...

But you know, nights are good for me...I mean I can never ever be myself when I am in company. I just can't. I won't be able to enjoy myself...even if I am listening to songs...using a headphone, I won't be able to maintain a continuous flow of songs. Among many other things, I can't think clearly when I am having people around me. Moreover I have this typical Sagittarian honesty - I can't relax fully when I am supposed to work...

So I had around 300 MB of data which I had to finish last night...or else it'd expire anyways...And I managed to exhaust around 280 MB just by listening to songs...it was a marathon of my favorite songs...non stop...at 3:30 in the night I was so tired, I slept off immediately as the tab switched itself off (it is set to auto switch off at 3:30 to allow me some sleep)...

And the morning was depressing...depressing to say the least...it is not easy na, living with an impossible and unfounded dream...it's not easy even if there are a thousand sparks trying to ignite your imaginations...you are still hell bent to convince yourself that the sparks are just random glittering elements in reality which are no where near gold...

Meanwhile life's really not a bed of roses...it is full of uncertainties and worries...I don't live with young people...I live with old and frail ones...who are suffering from various ailments and frustrations...it's not exactly easy to dream in such circumstances...the reality stings...

Yet I am happy...blissfully happy...love tends to do that to you...love is the most unreasonable thing on earth...happy sad, but happy...

So did I change my behavior? No, I tried, honestly, I tried, but it seemed a long shot...seemed very artificial...I am lost though...my eyes widening...if I suddenly come across some lady colleague on my way from the restroom say...you know, I am really not expecting to meet someone on my way...it is my world, right?

Thank God that a romantic like me didn't marry...how would I have felt dealing with reality? Husband turning out to be a non-romantic...that'd have been worse than death, na? 

So happy sad me takes an oath...no more "following my bliss"..."Don't READ", "I hate readers"...what not...you know why? Because people who read, at times happen to read some incredibly sweet and awesomely witty thingies, which you can't really help loving...

I want to love, I in fact want to spend my entire life loving things he reads (though I am sure that will cease with time...with responsibilities...with the need for other spices...God, what am I? I can't even write a word I fancy, that connects me with him, that we'd always remember about each other and laugh aloud...but no, I can't allow myself even that kinda liberty, what have I got myself stuck into?)

So man, it's costing me a fortune, "reading what you read" and I am a poor person on a budgeted existence. Here's the proof, and I can't afford this expenditure...Vodafone data is expensive...you know...

What do I do, where do I go? I know I won't be able to keep my oath, and that means recharging my internet for the third time this month...

I finish with the make up part...
Rings? Yes, two gold and two diamond ones please...
Earrings? Yes, two pairs please...
Nose ring? Of course...
You want to wear the gold bracelet? Ya, and why not the gold chain?
No make up? No thanks, just a red bindi would do...no kajal for me, no loud eye make up, no face touch up, no lipstick...I am this natural beauty you see...

After eons I am getting that musical shock...you know...a word or two in a random song, tells your mind so perfectly that you get goosebumps...have you ever seen that happen? That's what I call musical shock :) Such a kid I must be...such a kid...and such an idiot...