My humble Christmas...

It became quite obvious pretty early in the morning that I have to spend the day in a very lonely way, pent up in my room. I accepted it happily...I hoped against hope that may be mom would volunteer to go out in the evening - I'd at least get an opportunity to go out. She didn't. When I got down for lunch, I asked her - she denied. I retreated to my room. I don't like to go out in a crowded world - I hate to show my loneliness to the world. I watched a movie, and then had a show down with dad. He reacted, then relented, as is his way. But for the time in between, he had managed to make me feel so bad...I finally wrote him all that was weighing on my mind.

After I had written the mail...I felt better. At least I felt unburdened. I felt light - I realized I have nothing more to do. I decided to watch another movie. শব্দ in the afternoon had been pretty nerve wrecking, a reason why I am afraid of watching new movies these days. I don't know whether they'd agree with my system. So - I chose a safe one for the evening - one of my most favorite movies, and I was watching it for the second time in life. First time I had watched it when I was in college, with Pamu and her mom. I had noticed for the first time that Pamu wore much better clothes than me. It was obvious that she was more cared for than me. Her mom was her best friend. They watched the movie together as if they were friends - and exchanged comments, I watched it alone, analyzing my world. I scribbled on a piece of paper, "don't let your story go unfinished..."

Hum Dil De Chuke Sanam. A movie I have been remembering very often these days. Scenes from it, songs from it. When I was in college, I was this moving and talking cassette of the movie - one song or other would always go on in my mind, I'd be humming them all the time. This time as I watched it, the beauty of Europe in the second half enthralled me. The cobbled roads, the road side restaurants, people sitting and having beer, the churches, the bridges...it reminded me of my Prague, the most beautiful place of earth I have ever visited. Movie, did it touch me? Don't know - hardly one or two scenes. Rest simply seemed make believe, all credit to my bitterness.

I will sleep now...thanks to my parents that they didn't come and bother me further for dinner. I will sleep now. Tomorrow is another day.

The Candy Confusion...

D'bhai...come meet the craziest girl on earth. No really...no joke. She is this perfect drama queen. All day she has been sad (no... seriously sad). And then came evening...and she cuddled beside her mother after a long long time. It was cold. Mom and daughter cuddled on the bed till it was dinner time. Call with bhai being over (where I was profusely complaining about the "mishap" about which he hardly had any clue - oh you told me is it? Sorry didi...I didn't register...) - what would you do with such a brother?

Dinner was good. It was fish cooked the way I like. দই মাছ। And then it was time for my lonely existence - before I'd fall asleep. The time I usually love most. And the time I dread most - once in a while...when life brings me to a weakened condition. And then came the waves...of realization after realization, washing over on the shore. And there's so much of gems spread everywhere (মণি মুক্ত হীরে জহরত) - and then there's my imagination, and my romance, with all that...can I miss somebody?

And then came piercing pain. Real piercing pain. I was fondly remembering Love Aaj Kaal and Sarkar Raaj, the black tea, the black coffee, and the normal tea...and from nowhere came that can of ice peach tea...and two ice cream cones. As if they are frozen in time. If you look at it, two of the three member team is still there, only I...am left with my time pocket. The first drops of tears came out. I begged...to be sent to that time pocket for a day or two...to be transported to that time...when despite everything going wrong...life was not so hopeless. Just then I didn't know what lies ahead.

I didn't have any notion...about the corpulent tears I am yet to shed. Oh D'bhai, he's so precious...why does he spread his broken pieces in the dust...like this? I wish I could protect him, could just cover up his precious bits by stretching myself - but I am not allowed.

Tears...অশ্রু :) I am shuttling between 2007-2008 and 2014 now.

Had I the heavens' embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half-light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

অশ্রু নদীর সুদূর পারে - ঘাট দেখা যায় তোমার দ্বারে...

As was my habit from my Prague days, if I remember a রবীন্দ্রসঙ্গীত I have to do research on it. Hear two-three versions, in different voices, male, female, artists of different times and different genres. Yes I have a budgeted existence, but no...not this month please. I allow myself to use my data pack without inhibition. Music has come back to me after a long time...music which doesn't leave me, every other day, way he does.

Yes I liked some, didn't like other renderings. But my heart ached for something else. I couldn't remember the name of the movie. চিরদিনের? I guess not. The name is my favorite, after Ananya's elder sister...অদিতি - my mind groped around. Then suddenly I remembered - বিলম্বিত লয় - I have watched the movie hardly once, that too in childhood. But I remembered that the movie ends with this song. I found it in youtube...I watched the last of 12 clips. No...not the song...I was mistaken...only a hint of the tune...played through some instrument...flute? But the clip was beautiful...

And then she becomes naughty. D'bhai...when all is over...can I claim my candy please? Who knows if the candy too goes away. So...lady Sherlock in action (can't imagine Miss Marple doing things this stealthily) - and the candy is brought up. The candy...my cherished candy. And her entire face breaks into this enigmatic smile...no...D'bhai...I tell you...I still don't like my candy enough to claim it :) :)

If not...then what's the fight all about girl? I don't know...it is his problem...not mine. As much as I don't like my candy, I am sure he doesn't like his candy either. Aah, how does the story move from here then? Let's please not talk about the stupid movie called Sirf Tum which my boyfriend from college (the same "ask a question to the astrologer" guy) liked a lot, in fact had he not liked it that much, I'd have never brought myself up to watch the movie. And let's not talk about movies, already my mind is meandering to Badal, Kuch Kuch Hota Hai - day before I was frantically searching for a particular scene in Hum Dil De Chuke Sanam (in youtube - though I have the entire movie in my pen drive - data pack relaxation you see) and couldn't find it...but anyways patience is still my middle name...

Ok that should be it for today...bedtime...last glance...candy? Like it? Eyes lowered...

Happiness is...

There is this popular stuff going on in Facebook. You may call it the Happiness Is series...

So my humble addition to that is...

Today is one of the most wonderful nights of my life. I can't explain why. I didn't understand a lot of things till date...which I understand now. I can't even fathom the happiness myself, let along telling you about it.

I can find...a certain...shall I say rhythm...in God's world. May be, just may be...as I am not sure yet...everything happens for a reason?

And I discovered a trick too. The trick is...in not trying to discover the reason...

Just realizing this bit should be enough...

Claiming my candy...

What is normalcy? I don't know. I am indeed affected in several small ways. 

1. I left my wallet with my team mate - in her back pack. I didn't even realize that long after I had traveled back home, till she called me. Thank God I have the car, else the bus conductor or the auto driver might have beaten me up.

2. I forget to keep track of my expenses. Can you beat that? I don't keep track of my bank balances, interests, withdrawals...just as a routine habit I'd jot down the daily expenses (that too is minimum as there is no regular expense for transportation).

3. I have really become sloppy in my work. I am not boasting - but I hardly do any mistake in work. Not that I am doing any major mistake, but I replied back to the sender instead of replying to all, and then had to loop others in. And I have to really plan and track hard, so that I don't miss out on a scheduled work. 

4. I can't focus. I mean I can focus, but the focus is elsewhere... mostly on music... else on pure fun with my teammates. I laugh aloud and act crazy. Anyways I am a happy girl, now all the more.

5. Everyone is making fun of me. My parents will chuckle on seeing me, even a professor here asked me today, "Haven't you been taking your bath? You look so confused?"

6. Middle of the nights are particularly trying. I get to see certain avatars of mine, which I didn't know to exist till date. The struggle, the pain, the frustration, and the emotions, all come out in more skewed ways than one. And the questions - I ask myself, or my God, are mostly unanswerable. 

7. I hate crowded places. I hate undesired friends. I feel lost in the normal world. I try my best to tell people who still care - that look, let me go now. I have a new world... a very lonely world... but it has music, and it has peace... let me go there...

Yesterday, I made myself work real hard, with the promise of a candy. A candy I had just accidentally discovered in the morning. And then, at night, after the work was over, I didn't feel like claiming it. Neither do I want to claim it today as well. 

What is there to be claimed D'bhai? Don't I see the truth? Can't I see the truth? The world is going to the rots, every other day, there is a tragedy. While the rest of us continue with our life as usual. Have parties, impress and butter people, worry about our love life. And tomorrow, who knows, we also might end up being blasted by a bomb, or a bullet might run through us.

Life is so so uncertain, yet we desire fulfillment in life. Such a paradox. Such a bitter, awkward paradox in the name of survival of the fittest. Fittest or luckiest, I wonder.

I don't know if I want anything from this life. I know its truths. The nice ones, the romantic, positive ones, and the monstrous, evil ones. For a passing moment I remember the song "Socho ke jheelon ka shahar ho...", and the video tells me all. You can't dream in this world D'bhai...you just can't.

I don't know how to claim my candy. I don't want to live without it. I love it. I have almost assimilated its flavors in me. But something still stops me... my happiness... my attempts... to seek out my candy.

It still remains "my" candy... mind it :)

It's a very sad smile... I hate terrorists. I hate human beings who do not respect life. "With great power comes great responsibility" - wish everyone would understand that...

Music...reincarnated!

I want to write a lot of things, if only I could find the right words. My happiness seems to have drowned my skills for expression. Is it happiness even? Does getting to a no man's land create joy? I don't know. I just know that music has been pouring in, like God's blessings, and it transcends my days and nights. At 3:30 in the night it'd be like - I don't want to sleep yet please...just one more song. At 11 in the morning it'd be like - mom, I am going upstairs to take my bath...and then I'd forget my bath and start exploring songs I haven't heard for ages, and I didn't believe till now that I'd feel like hearing ever again. I get stubborn inside the car, if some other channel than 98.3 would be tuned to - no I want 98.3 only. I have no idea why I do that...they play very less songs and huge amount of ads, yet...one or two songs they play touches the chord - way no other channel does.

Yesterday, was a Saturday night I enjoyed a lot, way I used to enjoy in SG or Prague. I spent it all by myself, staying up alone till late...and just being blissfully happy. I don't know when again I will be feeling even wee small vestiges of this happiness, so I wanted to enjoy it to the fullest. I don't know about a tomorrow, tomorrow still scares me, tomorrow still has important, irreversible decisions to take, or may be just watch on silently as life takes away that opportunity of deciding for myself what I want. But I don't want that tomorrow to even touch my today. My today is pure extravagant bliss. I have never known happiness in this way, baseless, undemanding happiness that too.

All I know is, if there was no God, I couldn't have seen this day, I would never ever have even dreamed of it...with all my imagination. But stay grounded my girl, tomorrow can be very different...I don't forget to tell myself :)

A good night :)

I don't know if truth is stranger or steadier than fiction, but truth has its own troubles. A girl like me would rather comfortably stay on in her dream world instead of venturing out to meet truth. The dream world makes me feel comfortable and happy and excited - it has just the right ingredients, because I have created them. The problem occurs when your day dreaming and actual dreaming (in your sleep or stupor when you are really tired) clash. Today my actual dream scared me. It gave me a jolt...the heart skipped a beat, I stretched and cuddled under my blanket...it was a happy but uncanny feeling. Is it really going to happen? Am I even ready for it?

I don't even want to describe my current state of complete bliss. The only things bothering me, don't concern me or my immediate world. They comprise of unyielding selfish brutes whom I don't have much patience for. They may spoil my peace of mind, but won't gain anything for themselves. But then there are good people too. The world is a right mix. Who am I to dictate what is right and what is wrong? Haven't I done wrong things myself?

Today I did a strange thing. Towards the end of my evening prayers, I prayed a bit asking something for myself. All these days, this is something I have never done. I am no saint, but I never pray for myself. Not after those innocent childhood days when I'd keep on saying "কিকা দাদাকে ফিরিয়ে দিও..." a wish God never fulfilled. I have no idea if He'd care to keep this wish of mine.

My own world!

The lowest point today was my conversation with my once upon a time boyfriend. I don't know what made me ping him. Perhaps because, despite everything, the guy has cared to keep in touch. I know he is one of those people who can't stand up for themselves, and is dictated by the society. But he has loved me in his own way, cared to come back more than once in my life, tried quite a lot to convince his parents about marrying me (which they didn't accept because they belong to an upper caste), and when his relationship was not working with his wife, I had helped him tackle the situation, and then they reunited, and had a daughter afterwards. So in some way, we have shared our lives and helped each other.

He had pinged me couple of times, I had replied back late. Today, after a hectic first half, as I got some time to relax, I just pinged him to say hi. One thing led to another, and I just happened to tell him of my recent ordeal - met a guy, became friends and then things didn't work out. "Why don't you go for those - ask one question?" - he blurted out. I didn't quite get him. Asked him to explain. At this he says, his suggestion would be that I consult an astrologer and ask him one question - if I'd at all get married. And only if he answers in the affirmative, should I go and meet guys.

Frankly this was a bit too dumb even for my standards (I have met people of all kinds and I usually tend to accept them the way they are). I really am tired about this now. Why does everyone bother so much about my marriage? There is this paper-wallah who comes home to collect junks. Way my parents are - even he has become a family member. The other day, as I was going out for Interstellar, he came up, sat in the porch, and started saying, "this time I found a really smart guy - as much educated as your daughter - only problem is her age - everyone seems to be younger than her...". Other days, I make sure I wish him - this time I just walked past him and stormed out of the house. The guy who cleans our garden and overhead tank, the other day I woke up and got down in the morning to see him having his breakfast. He met me and started saying, "why don't you get married? Look at your dad, he's so worried. Look at your dad's friend, he's so relaxed, now that he's married off both his kids..."

It goes on and on and on. As if I have any objection to getting married. What if things go wrong? What if nobody likes me? What if I have become aged? Aged? Am I? I don't find myself old. Matured, yes. Seasoned well with the world's ways, yes. But old, no. I just don't want this dissection of my personal life by all and sundry. It tires me. I get frustrated.

Have you ever woken up with tired eyes, looked for something, groped in the darkness, and was unable to find it? Wished there was some light? I feel it is impossible for me to protect myself...from this pain. So I embrace it...

And I return to my own world...the world that makes me happy...me and my books. Have been reading up tesseract, and found out about this book called "A Wrinkle in Time". Wiki makes it sound interesting. So long as books are there, I won't be very lonely I guess.

Lost in the crowd...

Interstellar, though incomprehensible, left a nice aftertaste. Probably the first movie I watched where the audience broke into a spontaneous applause at the end of the movie. May be most of them are বোকা বাঙালি - বিশেষ কিছু বোঝেনা, me included, but liked it all the same.

I had slept off after I returned home, had lunch and had an unwelcome argument with dad. I don't like the traditional avatar of my dad, where he undermines me as a human being, and thinks of me as one example of the female species. I marched to my room and just collapsed. When I woke up, it had grown dark. I don't like this particular phenomenon, so I don't tend to sleep during the daytime. It is fine by me, when I sleep late at night, and I wake up when the sun is shining bright. Not when light is pouring in through the curtains when I close my eyes, and I wake up in total darkness.

Yesterday I finally called Pamu's mom. I have been worrying about her. She hasn't responded to my messages in Facebook ever since September, when I had forgotten her birthday. Seeing her in the dream day before shook me up - I had to do something about it. Her mom said, she is fine, must be busy with work and family...she will tell her.

I felt a bit reckless like Bella Swan in New Moon. I was clumsy at times (bought a notebook to maintain day to day car and driver data, dropped it on the way, and while collecting it back, dropped my bag - thank God there were not many onlookers) and smart (watching a movie all by myself was smartness in itself...haven't watched any movie all alone except ইতি মৃনালিনী once upon a time in Bangalore, then I didn't buy a water bottle all for myself, and went out from time to time to get a sip of water so that I don't get dehydrated...and...I crossed the roads without the signal on - something I wouldn't have believed I am capable of) and suddenly amid all these, I remembered that dialogue from ZNMD - I haven't learned to repent. It's ok, it's just fine...I have means to sustain myself. I am proud of my apparent foolishness. At least when I meet God up there, He might mock me a bit, and imitate my various failures and we shall have a hearty laugh over that, but He won't be able to say, I don't help those who don't help themselves.

Going to read up Interstellar a bit. My dongle data pack dies today - I am uncomfortable recharging it online - Reliance is not as organized as Vodafone. So whatever I can do with the remaining 300 odd MBs by 12:00 midnight.

I was a child of 5 when I had gone to a circus with my cousin brothers. I was very surprised when I went there. I could hardly watch the circus going on. I was busy watching the crowd. Why is the place so crowded? How many people are there? Is the world so densely populated? Are there so many human beings? Is it required?

The questions were so deep seated in my mind that I still remember that time. I feel the same today. Wish the world was not so crowded.

Premature...

They say, whatever God does is always for the best. I am currently in a mental block, so I can't really analyze this statement in the light of recent incidents and comment intelligently on this. I don't regret what happened last night. If I had allowed this euphoria through a drug-induced illusion to go on without reason for another couple of weeks, it could have paralyzed me, even damaged me permanently. I don't know yet how much damage is done, except for a state of numbness, and mild irritability, I don't feel much. I thought I'd cry last night, but was so exhausted, I just slept. I met Pamu and a particular Professor of mine, in my dreams, as I walked down the roads. I don't remember exactly what we talked about.

The only emotional thing that happened was when Ananya called me in the morning. As soon as I had woken up today, I had given her a SoS call...and she called me back after she reached school. Just hearing her voice, I reached liquid frequency - "something happened last night, which is not good news, and I don't know how I feel about it". "But why are you crying?" - "I am not crying idiot, I just heard your voice and started crying, I was not crying earlier".

She had classes. I couldn't tell her anything. I thought, I better write things down and remove memories that are weighing upon my  mind, if I want to go down and meet my parents with a straight face.

So yes, I asked him if he would like to try me as a prospective partner, and he said, he doesn't like me enough to do that. I didn't bring this up deliberately...our easy, free flowing conversation led to this topic...but at the same time, only I know how much bravery and prayers I needed to be able to do this...and yet I could sense how he wanted to run away from it.

He spared me a lot of agony that would have resulted, had I gone on analyzing unconvincing data sets and dreaming big. I don't know if we'd be friends again. As two very similar human beings, I had thought we had more to share with each other in this life itself. Yes, my happiness is gone, and that hurts, but then this is me, this is my life, and my destiny...and as I always do, I will just accept and go on. I will miss my friend, and I will miss my dreams :)