Get me some songs dude, my throat is going dry...
When do songs start acting like water? It is true that I am usually in a habit of drinking a lot of water, and I am not having enough water these days, mainly due to my preoccupation about - what's next? 4-5 glasses of water per day, that's all I get to drink. At times, in the morning, I get some meager breakfast in form of a chocolate slab or a sweet or two, at times I don't. I am half afraid of getting out of the flat and facing the same bitter world, the same whimsical autowallahs, the everyday saga of reaching office late, of trying to get myself engrossed in something, trying to survive, just helplessly trying my best to survive, and once in while breaking down all within myself, with absolutely no external sign of this not only wounded but almost destroyed heart anywhere. Lunch comes in a dabba these days. Some boring chapathis, a bowl of thin daal, some tasteless sabji, some stale salad. I eat up without complaining. Wait for the rest of the day to pass on, just keep pushing myself, to endure and endure more. Keep checking the clock, the calendar - telling myself that the torture would soon end. The torture is something I have taken up knowingly, so I shouldn't complain about this. Evening comes, I go to the overcrowded bus stop, and get into an overcrowded bus. If I am lucky I still happen to get a seat, and if I sit comfortably, and I am beyond letting things weigh more on my mind, I feel like listening to my ipod once in a blue moon. I readily skip all the sad songs and the love songs. No...not for me...I am someone who is beyond experiencing feelings. I don't feel anything other than restlessness these days. But ya, when I have to stand in the bus and be pushed and shoved around, I do maintain some patience. That's it, end of the day, get myself some food, walk back home...and keep wondering, would I really be having this life for another 40-60 years? Once in a while it simply gets worse, I shout at mom, or bhai. Those days I am depressed beyond tolerance. I know I am not the only one...there are people suffering all over the world to the same extent or even more, but that somehow ceases to mean anything.
Then what was it that made me ask for songs in the middle of the night? I don't listen to songs these days. Anyways, I relented to my cravings way I usually do. I put on a track from Lootera again - Mann Marziyan. A beautiful track...which I put on repeat and heard a couple of times. Then I switched off the light and still stubbornly kept sitting up on the bed. No, I won't sleep - tears kept rolling down my cheeks. Why was I being so extremely sad? Because some person had treated me badly during an interview? To think clearly, he didn't really want to treat me badly, somewhere, during the discussion he really did get a glimpse of my vulnerability and extreme urge to prove my worth. The way he chose to deal with that did not fit the context and that's it. Then what else is the reason? The insensitivity of my ex PM? Oh what's new about that, a colleague had told me long back that he is like that only, can talk a lot but won't come to any use when required. The situation in office fails to disturb me anymore. I do my work and come back. Once in a while I miss that little boy who'd give me so much peace and happiness, but if getting estranged from him is the price I need to pay to keep intact my own self esteem, I am ok with that. Anyways, as mom tells me, he is not my own son. The future has its own uncertainties, but if I look at the present, way I am living in every fraction of a second and just pushing it to move on, to get over, I guess even such an uncertain future will be a welcome respite.
Then what on earth is it? Is he still so important to me, that his going away hurts? How is his going away from me any different from my going away from him. When we are not a couple anymore, perhaps never were, how does physical separation matter? Have not touched him in ages, haven't spoken to him since February I guess, how does the news that he got a new job cause any impact? Have I ever treated him as a competitor that the fact that even he is capable of getting a job and I am not, or may be the fact that he would be earning more that me now, all these things are making me jealous and upset? And then I close my eyes and ask myself intently, what exactly do you want? And all my love surges forward, and with closed eyes I picture myself embracing him tightly, and crying and asking - Boo, did you never love me, do you never miss me, do you really never regret what you have done? I know his shell won't be broken by my tears, but because of the sole fact that I have loved this man from the bottom of my heart, I feel at times what he actually feels.
Doesn't matter, because it is anyways such a make believe world, and anyways I cry myself to sleep almost every night. One night of stubbornness about going on crying and not sleeping doesn't matter, one life of stubbornness of going on loving and hoping and destroying myself also doesn't matter. There was this stupid post on Facebook saying - don't worry when God pushes you to the limits of your difficulties, either He will catch you when you fall, or He will teach you how to fly. I chuckled and thought, what if God just lets me fall and does not even attempt to catch me?
I don't trust in Him anymore. Still I don't give up on life. After that particularly painful interview, I thought I will give it a break. I planned to jot down all the different interviews where I have failed, engineering colleges, schools, corporate houses - everywhere. Frankly my failures far outnumber my success rate. And if you hear about the brands which have rejected me, you'd never think of on boarding me ever. But then I have worked for the best brand in India, I am from the best school in Kolkata and the best university in West Bengal. And my dad says, I can break but I won't crack up (আমি ভাঙবো তবু মচকাবো না ) - so it took me just two days to recover and last night I was writing applications till 1:30 in the night. Let's see...
When do songs start acting like water? It is true that I am usually in a habit of drinking a lot of water, and I am not having enough water these days, mainly due to my preoccupation about - what's next? 4-5 glasses of water per day, that's all I get to drink. At times, in the morning, I get some meager breakfast in form of a chocolate slab or a sweet or two, at times I don't. I am half afraid of getting out of the flat and facing the same bitter world, the same whimsical autowallahs, the everyday saga of reaching office late, of trying to get myself engrossed in something, trying to survive, just helplessly trying my best to survive, and once in while breaking down all within myself, with absolutely no external sign of this not only wounded but almost destroyed heart anywhere. Lunch comes in a dabba these days. Some boring chapathis, a bowl of thin daal, some tasteless sabji, some stale salad. I eat up without complaining. Wait for the rest of the day to pass on, just keep pushing myself, to endure and endure more. Keep checking the clock, the calendar - telling myself that the torture would soon end. The torture is something I have taken up knowingly, so I shouldn't complain about this. Evening comes, I go to the overcrowded bus stop, and get into an overcrowded bus. If I am lucky I still happen to get a seat, and if I sit comfortably, and I am beyond letting things weigh more on my mind, I feel like listening to my ipod once in a blue moon. I readily skip all the sad songs and the love songs. No...not for me...I am someone who is beyond experiencing feelings. I don't feel anything other than restlessness these days. But ya, when I have to stand in the bus and be pushed and shoved around, I do maintain some patience. That's it, end of the day, get myself some food, walk back home...and keep wondering, would I really be having this life for another 40-60 years? Once in a while it simply gets worse, I shout at mom, or bhai. Those days I am depressed beyond tolerance. I know I am not the only one...there are people suffering all over the world to the same extent or even more, but that somehow ceases to mean anything.
Then what was it that made me ask for songs in the middle of the night? I don't listen to songs these days. Anyways, I relented to my cravings way I usually do. I put on a track from Lootera again - Mann Marziyan. A beautiful track...which I put on repeat and heard a couple of times. Then I switched off the light and still stubbornly kept sitting up on the bed. No, I won't sleep - tears kept rolling down my cheeks. Why was I being so extremely sad? Because some person had treated me badly during an interview? To think clearly, he didn't really want to treat me badly, somewhere, during the discussion he really did get a glimpse of my vulnerability and extreme urge to prove my worth. The way he chose to deal with that did not fit the context and that's it. Then what else is the reason? The insensitivity of my ex PM? Oh what's new about that, a colleague had told me long back that he is like that only, can talk a lot but won't come to any use when required. The situation in office fails to disturb me anymore. I do my work and come back. Once in a while I miss that little boy who'd give me so much peace and happiness, but if getting estranged from him is the price I need to pay to keep intact my own self esteem, I am ok with that. Anyways, as mom tells me, he is not my own son. The future has its own uncertainties, but if I look at the present, way I am living in every fraction of a second and just pushing it to move on, to get over, I guess even such an uncertain future will be a welcome respite.
Then what on earth is it? Is he still so important to me, that his going away hurts? How is his going away from me any different from my going away from him. When we are not a couple anymore, perhaps never were, how does physical separation matter? Have not touched him in ages, haven't spoken to him since February I guess, how does the news that he got a new job cause any impact? Have I ever treated him as a competitor that the fact that even he is capable of getting a job and I am not, or may be the fact that he would be earning more that me now, all these things are making me jealous and upset? And then I close my eyes and ask myself intently, what exactly do you want? And all my love surges forward, and with closed eyes I picture myself embracing him tightly, and crying and asking - Boo, did you never love me, do you never miss me, do you really never regret what you have done? I know his shell won't be broken by my tears, but because of the sole fact that I have loved this man from the bottom of my heart, I feel at times what he actually feels.
Doesn't matter, because it is anyways such a make believe world, and anyways I cry myself to sleep almost every night. One night of stubbornness about going on crying and not sleeping doesn't matter, one life of stubbornness of going on loving and hoping and destroying myself also doesn't matter. There was this stupid post on Facebook saying - don't worry when God pushes you to the limits of your difficulties, either He will catch you when you fall, or He will teach you how to fly. I chuckled and thought, what if God just lets me fall and does not even attempt to catch me?
I don't trust in Him anymore. Still I don't give up on life. After that particularly painful interview, I thought I will give it a break. I planned to jot down all the different interviews where I have failed, engineering colleges, schools, corporate houses - everywhere. Frankly my failures far outnumber my success rate. And if you hear about the brands which have rejected me, you'd never think of on boarding me ever. But then I have worked for the best brand in India, I am from the best school in Kolkata and the best university in West Bengal. And my dad says, I can break but I won't crack up (আমি ভাঙবো তবু মচকাবো না ) - so it took me just two days to recover and last night I was writing applications till 1:30 in the night. Let's see...
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