Spare one moment for only the two of us...

Where did those days of happiness fade away? Where did those moments go when very subtly you used to tell me that you care? All of a sudden all smile of my life seems to have faded away...the smile which you had brought....that day I was telling you na, they say that days of happiness are short and days of grief are long...but to me its one and the same. You asked me what I mean by this...the time I spend with you is happy or sad, and I replied that I don't know myself...that is one bitter truth of my life...when I had written here that I want you to avoid me, hate me....I never thought how much I will miss those fun filled days. Whom are you trying to adapt to that which is inevitable? Me or yourself? Should I think you are happy doing all these? For you were smiling away? Then who in the group smiles more than me? My never ending smile has become the topic of joke among everyone. But does that mean that I am happy? I feel you near my heart...what should I do...I don't like anything...I feel a strange aloofness from life...I just keep longing for you...and want nothing else. I can't live like this....can't take the pain anymore....Do whatever else, but don't ignore me like this...I just want to shout to the world that I love you. I want my family, our child. I want our love to get a culmination. Ohh my life why did I ever love you so much...why did I ever dream. Why did you fuel that dream?

Water water everywhere....

How was the tour? Simply put...it was not how I expected it to be...I really expected his love to come out in even more intensified way in the tour. Nothing of that sort happened. He was just neutral. I couldn't find any emotion in him. Or I couldn't read it? Don't want to debate on this...as I am tired of dreaming. What's the use of dreaming when no dream would ever come true.
I am really hurt with his behavior. Both of us know perfectly well that never can we give any conclusion to our love. So if for one day we could live like lovers what could have gone wrong? Just wanted to be in the sea with him. He was close to me, yet I couldn't touch him. He sent me off on jet ski with his friend. I just wanted to cling onto my darling and enjoy the speed. But anyways I enjoyed. I floated in the sea. I dreamt to the ultimate extent. A stupid girl and her stupid dreams. That we are like each other. In the way we prepare food, in the way we cared for the baby together...but u stupid girl, why would he atall care for you.

You know very well that I went to the tour for you. And you gave me the very minimum attention. I didn't feel bad at all, as all were so nice. But my romanticism was badly hurt. Very badly...

My Darling...where is life taking us?

I always wanted my husband to be older than me. Now that the blog is mine only, I can write anything that comes in my mind. Why did I pacify Anand and compelled him to stay back when he had decided to leave me? Because in my heart of hearts I knew that I am doing wrong by loving you? I am a committed lady? I couldn't stand this sin? I really don't know. May be the other reason was that Anand is my best friend, who has stayed by my side through thick and thin and I can't bear to see him unhappy. Also I couldn't bear to see my life so dark...I was scared.

But my darling, let's leave those things. Let's talk about the two of us. Me and you. And hw we have grown to share each other's life. I fall in love very easily. I know. But this was not one of those cases. I had wished something in my mind, and it came true. Can I not see howmuch hell bent you are on pleasing me? You are a man who really cares for me. Yesterday you proved that multiple number of times. Now its a mutual bond. We stay happy with each other. If I know you, this is the first weakness of your life. And you are the true love I have always been seeking for. Though you are younger than me, you are very much capable of husbanding me. You know my mind inside out already. You know how and in which way I shall stay happy. But what will happen of this love? We shall get separated in about a couple of months, you shall never come back, and I cannot accept you. That's the fate that's going to befall this relation. I know that very well. Why did you atall come to my life? I can never love anybody else. I can if you are rude to me, if you convince me that you don't love me at all, and its all my mistake. But why are you being so nice to me? I know you are very good at heart, you are kind to everybody, but so kind? I know bosses here, I am here for quite some time. No one would have actually done what you did for me that day. Whatever Saradindu had said about love....reflects from your actions. You show that you care, you tell your friends about me, you keep taking my name, you call me unnecessarily, weakness to the extent that you show can only be termed as love. Don't do this to this hapless girl please. You hate me, you remain aloof, I can tolerate that, but please don't love me, don't make my life even more difficult.

What a joke!

Now there's no doubt left. God gets pleasure in making a joke of me...and what a joke he made of me this time...my only support of life has given me the worst moments of my life. I wouldn't have cared a little bit if there were some truth in the reason for his hatred...but the things he said are totally totally wrong...how do I ever convince him about that. Let it be...it was very great indeed of God that He gave me some happiness and took away everything I had. God is not good to me....I have no complaint though....but when I look back I just regret about my relation, when did we give each other a single chance of being happy. Always misunderstood, always hurt each other. The man whom I gave everything doesn't even know what I am like...when I look at my future life I see only darkness...but that's not what pains me...it pains me when I see the darkness surrounding the two of us....were we that bad that God never showered light on us?

Towards oblivion!

I have been following my bliss. And seems like the bliss is leading me to oblivion. I am losing my stable relationship...which kept my little bit of hope of finally getting a happy married life, alive. How do I know whether you are the one? True that when I loved you I never kept any condition for this love to get any conclusion. Neither do I have any such intensions today. Only that some questions come to my mind. Why do I see you everywhere in front of my eyes? Why does it become so apparent to everyone that I am neglecting the most important people of my life because of you. Are we really that much close to each other or its all my imagination? Where would all these lead to? I never thought of asking these questions....but perhaps because of the blows I got from Anand yesterday, I am asking you these things. Is there any basis to my dreams. Even to the little extent that you are like me. You will try to cover up my small shortcomings and not highlight them? You will feel in your mind when I need you.....and give some response? Except Rito I have never found a single guy touch the core of my heart. Nobody understood me properly. What is it that binds you and me except our common interest in music and our togetherness, which is only temporary. When we go away from each other, what will be the things that might remind you of me, and me of you? To be a perfect pair, we do need to have several things in common...and our frequency should be in unison. After Anand I am scared, I know what misunderstanding can cause. Today I shall wait so long as you are awake, but you have to give me a sign that you too care for me. Otherwise I shall end this stupidity of mine from tomorrow. Let me die in seclusion, but I cannot worship a person whom my God hasn't created for me.

The first suffering of love

I know I hurt u today. But believe me when I tell you that I was feeling like a helpless baby. I slept in the train. And the first thing I did as I woke up...was to call u by name and say sorry. Since then I am waiting for you. When will you come online. I want to give you a name. A name by which only I shall call you. Do you know how much I love you? I am realizing it gradually. I guess God won't spare you as well, even you'd realize it. Let me sleep peacefully today. From tomorrow you will not find any agony on my face.

I want a small cosy home, in a very peaceful place. I don't want any grandeur in life. I don't need luxury either. I just need lots of love. I feel like crying in front of you. From tomorrow you shall not find any lack of respect. I am really sorry for today. I was fighting with myself, but my dear, there is really no need. I don't go down in your eyes if you realize that I love you.

Its a spinning turning crazy world!

Living my dream, didn't I say? Oh my God, when I said, howmuch did I mean? This poor patient of vertigo...perhaps a leftover of the terrible life she has lead so far...why make her head spin so much? I am shocked...why is all this happening...

and what more will happen? At this point I become serious. Its true that I am living my life fully. But isn't it true that a part of my life also belongs to Anand. A man who has cried in all my griefs. So is there any way Ican give any conclusion to these dreams? Which seem to come true, but shouldn't come true. Oh my God, what shall I do then?

But worry not my dear Moni...nothing of that sort will happen. Your prince can never become reality. Your angel can never become reality. Just enjoy these few days, as if you were living your life. Your entire life.

How many times do I thank you? Why are you so hell bent on knowing my secret? Would you make fun of me? I don't know what else is going on in your mind. Why do you want to know about my love? Let it remain mine. Let it remain a secret. I beg of you. Nothing can happen to give a shape to my dreams. Atleast let me dream peacefully.

But the strangest thing was I didn't feel shy...I didn't feel at a loss. When you asked me if I have your favorite song in my mp3 player. I don't know where I am heading. I really don't understand. I am confused. I can't explain. Perhaps tonight will be the nicest night in my life. A real magical moon lit night. All my life I have waited for this night. When I'd know that my prince loves me. Dear God, I have nothing else to complain to You. You have given me everything. My hands get cold, my eyes close with emotions and I hide my face in sudden realization of love. What a wonderful thing this love is. I have worshipped it all my life. And now it gives me the greatest unworldly pleasure of my life.

10th september 2007. I shall remember this day. All life long.

One deep realization...

I am one crazy girl after I met you. You have brought happiness to my life, one term which had become non existent in my life for quite some time. Now everything has changed. Life would never be the same ever again. I never thought I can relive my old days of romance and dream. But you have made that possible. You have removed from the mind of this hapless girl, all the horrors of her previous life. You care to speak to this ugly girl, and in the crowd also, you, when it comes to telling something very personal about your home, direct the statement to this girl. I owe every smile of my life to you. Every fast beat that my heart takes. Your closeness to my heart is what I feel, not your closeness to me. Its a different story that the real me will finally die when your closeness to me ceases, but believe me my brown eyed prince, I shall never take this dream as reality. For the first time I realize the intense joy a girl feels when she is loved. I know you love me, and I don't want a debate on this. I don't want anyone to preach that girl, you are reaching your 30s, you are not yet married, and there is very little chance that you will be married, so come out of your dreams. No, my prince, you know na, that for the first time in my life I am living. I don't have a care in life...and my life is musical. You are the music in my life. As I keep collecting your memories, and the music you like, I offer all my dreams to you. Its like offering flowers to God, there is happiness in offering, not in debating whether He would accept or not.

Living my dream!

Everyone doesn't get a chance to live his dream. I am surely one lucky person. It was not just infatuation/crush that had happened. It was inspiration. It was rejuvenation. Yes I am now one girl who can again establish her credibilites. For she herself has regained her long lost confidence.

I still remember that wednesday night. It was late dark hours, I had plenty of work next day, what with a damaged laptop, and yet...with somuch of intense love did I stay awake and made that sweet dish for him. JUST FOR HIM. All our conversation in the days that followed, before and after a party was cancelled, and when it was rescheduled today, concerned his feeling. I have wrote earlier also, mockingly or whatever. he has always mentioned that he can understand how I am feeling, when something I have made so lovingly is not being taken by anyone. Can't tell you the peace of mind, the delight I felt, when he actually tasted the kheer I prepared. Just that one smile of appreciation from him, my brown eyed prince, you made my day. I know you bossed, you misbehaved...see, it was one first time that I offered someone my share of icecream, and you denied. Swear on heaven, I was shocked. You didn't say bye to me before leaving, totally ignored when I offered to take a walk with you...one thing is ofcourse possible that you are totally oblivious of my love, and hope that is the case, the other option is you really want to ignore me. Fine prince charming, I really don't mind. I also know very well that it is a dream world that I am living in. But I shall remember this day for years to come. The way we cooked together, we sang together...the way I lived my dream. And the way you smile. It was like you tasted my love. Can't tell you the heavenly feeling. I love you. More than anything else, anybody else...I love you. This love has really changed my life. Thank you.