To break free...

Lately, life has been super hectic. It always is when I visit home. Calcutta is a place where I find myself to be different. The regular boredom of life is gone. Shopping, movies, visiting relatives, talking to friends, and this time also the frequent rounds to the hospital...life was full hectic. I don't feel left out and lost like I am in Bangalore. I am a subdued reclusive type basically. But still I find myself in better shape in all other cities I have lived in, except Bangalore. Leave alone Calcutta, it is my hometown. But even in Singapore and Prague I have felt more at home, may be given the better infrastructure, the comfort level and the money streaming in.

It was a great  relief to be diagnosed that nothing fatal has happened to me. Yes I am a little imaginative, but had you seen my lower abdomen, even you'd start imagining things. It still has that  strange pale blue color which kind of spells danger :( But thankfully, the doctor said nothing's wrong with me. And he was the sweetest doctor I have ever met. Middle aged, almost my dad's age and may be older, my dad can kind of redefine fashion for him. It seems he never got out of the hospital wing to discover that people dress differently these days. As a result he wears his trousers almost near his chest. But oh, what confidence. 2nd time I visited him, first thing he did was to smile at me and state (mind you, not ask, but state) it got cured...

My dad wanted me to be a doctor. Seeing this gentleman, I understood why. What have I done with my education? How many people have I been able to help? Where have I been able to contribute. It is just earning money and looking after my parents. There is a whole world to look after, how much have I done?

Watched 2 new Bengali movies, Hemlock Society and Muktodhara. Hemlock Society was crap - example of bad acting, bad direction, bad screenplay, bad editing, bad music everything applied at the same time to a good idea. Muktodhara was wonderful. I love it when my parents happen to enjoy a movie. Both of them were in tears, and smiling. It was a sight to behold. To think of it, how much have I done for my parents also? How much time have I spent with them, how much care have I shown. Giving money and building a house for them to live in is not enough. Moreover, correction, I didn't build the house. Just the first floor.

Good times over, I am still undecided. What to do with life? Get a new house in Bangalore? Take leave or resign and go back to Calcutta? My health is seriously degrading. I need home food and a lot of care. And then what about the future? Any chance of getting married? The same old questions, without any answer, torment me. Back to Bangalore, same love hate relationship with Boo, same next to nil work at office, same struggle for existence. I know I am better off than many, but somehow that fails to calm me down. I get agitated at times, completely diffused at other times. And life drags on. When Aamir asked not to drink and drive, I'd vouched I won't let Boo do that again. But then, this Monday when I returned, he almost pleaded to me that he wants to drink. I was split, but couldn't say no. He is this mammoth drinker anyways, he is completely sober with two glasses of beer. But the problem is, he makes me weak. I get angry with him but cannot show, I get exasperated with him but cannot react. Way a mother protects a child, I stay by his side. Silently. Can't ask for anything in return, can't even give him all I want. Today he is tolerating me, tomorrow he might throw me away. Yes, it is this uncertain. And I supposedly have to live on for another 60 years...

Calcutta beckons me...I look on dumbly...I hope...one fine day my patience will break, I will refuse to live like a zombie, to comply, to cooperate - I'll finally be able to break free...

Don't want to die now...

As usual I was wondering what to do with life. And as usual...I don't have a clue. Perhaps the visit to home will help. The funny thing is...something new is there what scares me off. There is this tumor kinda thing I was having for a long time on my tummy, and which I have been ignoring, but recently it has started paining there. I like ignoring my ailments. I hardly remember I am asthmatic. When I had that terrible back pain a week ago, I went out for the whole day, and there was no way anyone could find out how I am feeling, except the occasional wince which I was trying my best to hide. But this one freaked me out. I somehow felt (no idea why) that this might be fatal. I tried my best ignoring it, all day yesterday. Then night I blurted it out to mom. Today I told a friend in the office. And also to Bee. And finally to Boo. But then...the only way out is to see a doctor. Let us see. I don't really want to die at this moment. Though from this situation, life can take turn towards just a mere bleak existence...there are chances for that...still I seem not to be afraid. I seem to long for life. That guy (who by the way is wearing a pink shirt today) is the main reason. He seems to be an honest, John Galt-ish person. Though I am not and will never be a Dagny Taggart, I like him. I don't want to die now. I want to live with him. For a life time :)

Interview pangs

Well...Boo calls it a reality check. That I keep appearing for interviews with some or the other company occasionally. But to me, all it means is a lot of tension beforehand and a lot of depression afterwards. I can't handle rejection...may be that's the problem. Despite having such an impressive CV, perhaps my too transparent mind is to be blamed, which prefers putting out my weak cards on the table too, and then, the first failure to respond, and the first hint of taunt from the interviewer hurts my perfectionism. Ohh why on earth don't I know everything on earth?

But funny thing is...when situation worsens, you feel less desperate. Last time when I had taken the interview with a major banking product brand, I felt as if this is my last straw. After a couple of weeks of waiting and no intimation, I even went to the extent of dropping a mail to them asking about the result. Then a stupid thing happened. I got another call from the same company. I patiently explained to them that I have already appeared for an interview and awaiting results, and they said, no problem, send us your CV again. Wow :)
At length I was glad that I at least have a job and a good enough monthly salary.

Ya you do feel you are not good enough, you feel angry about the person sitting opposite to you who acts as if he has all the power on earth, and keeps sms'ing while you are trying to talk, and appears disinterested, but then after a brief period of feeling sad, I decided, it is good only. Only thing I want at this point in time, in my life, is to get married to Boo. I am ok about leaving my job and being a housewife for a while, if not that, then working together on the same project. Anything, so long as I get to stay near him. He's become too dear to me over the years. Nowadays, he comes first :) In fact, even he was concerned about whether it'd be prudent to take up a new role now, which involves a lot of travel. And I was glad he said that. May be, just may be, he too feels the same... 

Satyamev Jayate...

Tomorrow, supposedly the last episode of Satyamev Jayate is going to be aired. Personally I learnt a lot from this show. First thing I should say is anyone apart from Aamir Khan would not have been able to reach out to this extent with the contents of the show. As for me, even Aamir Khan was not sufficient. I was in Prague when the show started. And I was totally disinterested. Yes, Aamir's Taare Zameen Par was commendable, but that apart, I was not very convinced that he can bring up any social cause successfully. My neighbor lady in offshore, who's grown to become a very good friend these days, had set her tagline to Satyamev Jayate. Despite her apparent childishness, there is a certain easy going strength in my friend's nature which I quite admire. So, wanted to check out the show which has influenced her. From there, there was no turning back. There were many problems in my personal life, for which, may be I couldn't watch the show on time, but as soon as I recovered enough to give my fullest concentration, I'd watch the episode and add to my learning.

Yes, no doubt the show is a bit more dramatized than necessary. But the message is so loud and clear and heart wrenching, that you almost feel that the overwhelming impact was rather necessary. And then, I love my country and intend to live my entire life in this country. So I must know each and every thing that bothers my country and not only that, I, as a responsible bread earner for the family, should be armed well to protect my loved ones from the evils. If ever I give birth to a child, I must teach him the right things, bring him up with the proper perspective. I have often thought about Aamir's new born child while watching the show. Somewhere in his face, beyond all acting, I have seen the resolution to make a better world for the son he was blessed with. I too felt the same way.

Greed and prejudice kills you in a far worse way and any ammunition or pollution does. It blocks you, doesn't let you think. If my country and its people can come out of this ailment and think freshly and selflessly, I am sure there will be happiness. Such was my dedication towards this show that not only have I religiously watched all episodes, but also have read all relevant coverage in the media. People are so partial in their opinion. From someone not wanting to waste a happy and relaxing Sunday morning to social evils, to someone thinking only journalists can follow through is such issues and a movie star will deviate once the program is over, every opinion seemed childish to me. I am reading Atlas Shrugged these days. There in one place Dagny says, before the earth will face destruction because of natural calamities, human beings will have thought a way out. Such is our intellect and willingness to live. See, I don't agree with the saying that words do not matter, only action does. Everything matters. Talking matters, listening matters, thinking matters. Hats off to the superstar who thought and cared to present the issues we all knew about but never bothered to think over. It is high time to break the cocoon. So long as nobody in my circle is affected, I will remain aloof. It doesn't work that way. At times I feel how blessed I am to have received a proper education from my parents. I never had any religious, social or psychological bias. My parents have always called everyone with respect and taught us to do so. We never knew any concept of servant in our family, my mom taught us to call them as sister or aunt. My mom always said, a girl child is the greatest blessing a family receives. From day 1 she taught us never to waste food, she'd give this involuntary shudder and say, so many people in India go without food. It is a blessing to be born in a poor and educated family. It adds a lot of value to your life. May be given my background, I was able to better appreciate the show, but I feel everyone should at least take time out to watch the show. You never know how it touches your mind :)

Being a clueless helpless puppet...

I am not sure about anything else in life at this moment, except that I should stop thinking, or else I will go mad. I am very tired. I bunked office today. Slept till 2 o' clock in the afternoon. Got up and went through the motions of preparing food...for the sake of sustenance.

I feel an inexplicable urge to dream. And I know how dangerous it can turn out to be. All I know is I have to be prepared for anything...good, bad or evil. And I must not let my trust break. I must fight with myself to remain aloof and let him do his work, for I am quite done with mine. My support and eagerness won't help him now. The more neutral the atmosphere, the more calmly he can think.

All I need to remember is, he lifted me up in the air and said, this much is enough for now. I saw a certain resigned gesture in him yesterday. Which said, I can't fight against the truth in this girl's love. Having said that much, I have to see how he is able to fight with the other odds. The difficult part is to be a spectator. Not to play a role in the drama where my life's decision is being taken. 

Losing the battle...

When you have cried constantly for almost half a day, your head hurts a lot. The only blissful time in between were few hours of sleep I was able to get. There were dreams, which disturbed, distracted and finally woke me up, but still, during your sleeping hours, you don't feel the pain that sharply.

You cannot fight insensitivity. Insensitivity is a psychological torture that drains you of all your hope and faith. They say, life is simple, if, when you feel bad, you tell it. If so, then tell me, how to deal with a situation, when you have told you are feeling bad, and there is total indifference. Forget saying sorry or doing something to lift your spirits, the concerned person simply doesn't bother. Your suffering doesn't touch him. Then you feel something is seriously wrong.

This is not the first time it has happened. People can have their priorities. But then, one who loves you so much, should be a priority also, if you value the love in any way. If it is not so, you finally feel convinced that everything was casual. In your desire to help the person with your love, you have been only chasing him and irritating him.

The plan is clear now. I am going back. Not right now. 11th August I am going home, and 20th August I am returning to Bangalore. I will try to stick on to my job for another 3 weeks. Once I come back from home, I will resign and go home permanently. Let's see what happens afterwards. Once again, I don't think it is escapism, I'm not escaping from anywhere. I have handled enough torture. Perhaps cried for every single day since the last one year. Have seldom seen happiness. I have allowed myself to be a plaything in the hands of a person whom I have honestly considered as my best friend. I had hoped that he will take care, he knows I am a broken toy, he won't play so harshly as to break me again. But when he has chosen to do that,  after that also, with a broken heart and spirit, I have sustained so long. Hoped. Had faith. To no avail.

In our place, it is believed, that after a child is born, the God of destiny comes over, and writes the entire script of life in the four finger wide space on the child's forehead. I don't know what wrong I have done in my last life, for which I am making amends. But there is a limit of being trodden. Being trodden is and understatement. The inhuman way in which he behaved with me today, made me feel as if he is squeezing me under his feet, crumbling me, destroying me. If you have minimum respect for a fellow human being, you can't treat her thus. It was an accident that I happened to like him. It was another accident that he happened to like me and some chemistry happened between us. But my decision to be by his side was not an accident. I got to know how he has suffered, I felt, I need to do this much for him, for the sole reason, that I needed the same compassion and care to survive. Whatever else is proved to be false, this can't be denied that we faced similar situations in life. I'd have really liked someone to love me in a way I loved him. In my urge to prove this to the Lord God, that even He is entitled to make amends for good people whom He hurts, I forgot a very basic, simple thing. You cannot give away love. One has to earn it.

Today he proved that he doesn't deserve my love. What happens next nobody knows. A girl who doesn't believe in arranged marriage, surely can't make herself believe in compromise? The spontaneity of love is gone. So far as I know him, he who doesn't even care to say a "sorry" won't care to change himself. Love doesn't die in a day, but the death blow has been struck. I don't think I can keep it alive anymore. I don't worry about him. I worry about the long years ahead of me. The pricking loneliness. A day takes ages to get over, how to deal with an entire lifetime? I wish I could barter my life with someone else's death, one who wants to live, have people who love them, who need them. 

Meeting him again...

I thought, if I happen to write today, I'd probably be writing about our meeting that happened 16 weeks later. But it seems, in actuality I'd be writing about something else.

You know, in the place where we went today, there was a water facility called "Tidal Wave". It is an usual swimming pool of varying depth, but at certain intervals, waves come over. I know very little swimming, the amount you can learn in two weeks training. But yes, I know how to duck your head and float up and avoid the tide sweeping you over. And since I love being in the water, I was loving this as well. As usual, I had tried almost all the water rides. And decided to visit the tidal wave pool one more time. The waves started lashing out, I started swaying with the motion, and suddenly, like a flying dagger might get stuck in your heart and you realize it has come to kill you, the memories came back. My world darkened. I just couldn't take it. That moment, all my happiness which I had accumulated so patiently in the entire day, ceased to exist.

I remembered that 5 years back, a very similar incident had happened in my life. My outing to Bintan. Starting from the morning call, to the entire day's outing. Only, it was a lot happier. I was granted more dignity there. Ya, dignity might sound a strange word, but for a lonely, ever-avoided person like me, acknowledgement means dignity. Life was not so unhappy then. In fact, I'd have still called those three months in 2007 as the best period in my life,  if that what happened in last October wouldn't have happened. Given all, and I mean all my sufferings in the last 9+ months, I still can't forget the bliss I happened to experience on those few rare days. If not for that, I'd have long given up this fight. But somehow, today, at that moment, I realized, perhaps it is going to be all futile. I am simply weak hearted. I can't take the truth. I can't take the truth that what happened in October last year was not only an accident, but also that at the present moment he doesn't have any feeling for me. The future stores a similar disaster for me. And my experiences haven't really seasoned me. It is already hurting like hell. It will hurt even more in the future. And I have no way to protect myself. I have to helplessly endure the pain.