Lately, life has been super hectic. It always is when I visit home. Calcutta is a place where I find myself to be different. The regular boredom of life is gone. Shopping, movies, visiting relatives, talking to friends, and this time also the frequent rounds to the hospital...life was full hectic. I don't feel left out and lost like I am in Bangalore. I am a subdued reclusive type basically. But still I find myself in better shape in all other cities I have lived in, except Bangalore. Leave alone Calcutta, it is my hometown. But even in Singapore and Prague I have felt more at home, may be given the better infrastructure, the comfort level and the money streaming in.
It was a great relief to be diagnosed that nothing fatal has happened to me. Yes I am a little imaginative, but had you seen my lower abdomen, even you'd start imagining things. It still has that strange pale blue color which kind of spells danger :( But thankfully, the doctor said nothing's wrong with me. And he was the sweetest doctor I have ever met. Middle aged, almost my dad's age and may be older, my dad can kind of redefine fashion for him. It seems he never got out of the hospital wing to discover that people dress differently these days. As a result he wears his trousers almost near his chest. But oh, what confidence. 2nd time I visited him, first thing he did was to smile at me and state (mind you, not ask, but state) it got cured...
My dad wanted me to be a doctor. Seeing this gentleman, I understood why. What have I done with my education? How many people have I been able to help? Where have I been able to contribute. It is just earning money and looking after my parents. There is a whole world to look after, how much have I done?
Watched 2 new Bengali movies, Hemlock Society and Muktodhara. Hemlock Society was crap - example of bad acting, bad direction, bad screenplay, bad editing, bad music everything applied at the same time to a good idea. Muktodhara was wonderful. I love it when my parents happen to enjoy a movie. Both of them were in tears, and smiling. It was a sight to behold. To think of it, how much have I done for my parents also? How much time have I spent with them, how much care have I shown. Giving money and building a house for them to live in is not enough. Moreover, correction, I didn't build the house. Just the first floor.
Good times over, I am still undecided. What to do with life? Get a new house in Bangalore? Take leave or resign and go back to Calcutta? My health is seriously degrading. I need home food and a lot of care. And then what about the future? Any chance of getting married? The same old questions, without any answer, torment me. Back to Bangalore, same love hate relationship with Boo, same next to nil work at office, same struggle for existence. I know I am better off than many, but somehow that fails to calm me down. I get agitated at times, completely diffused at other times. And life drags on. When Aamir asked not to drink and drive, I'd vouched I won't let Boo do that again. But then, this Monday when I returned, he almost pleaded to me that he wants to drink. I was split, but couldn't say no. He is this mammoth drinker anyways, he is completely sober with two glasses of beer. But the problem is, he makes me weak. I get angry with him but cannot show, I get exasperated with him but cannot react. Way a mother protects a child, I stay by his side. Silently. Can't ask for anything in return, can't even give him all I want. Today he is tolerating me, tomorrow he might throw me away. Yes, it is this uncertain. And I supposedly have to live on for another 60 years...
Calcutta beckons me...I look on dumbly...I hope...one fine day my patience will break, I will refuse to live like a zombie, to comply, to cooperate - I'll finally be able to break free...
It was a great relief to be diagnosed that nothing fatal has happened to me. Yes I am a little imaginative, but had you seen my lower abdomen, even you'd start imagining things. It still has that strange pale blue color which kind of spells danger :( But thankfully, the doctor said nothing's wrong with me. And he was the sweetest doctor I have ever met. Middle aged, almost my dad's age and may be older, my dad can kind of redefine fashion for him. It seems he never got out of the hospital wing to discover that people dress differently these days. As a result he wears his trousers almost near his chest. But oh, what confidence. 2nd time I visited him, first thing he did was to smile at me and state (mind you, not ask, but state) it got cured...
My dad wanted me to be a doctor. Seeing this gentleman, I understood why. What have I done with my education? How many people have I been able to help? Where have I been able to contribute. It is just earning money and looking after my parents. There is a whole world to look after, how much have I done?
Watched 2 new Bengali movies, Hemlock Society and Muktodhara. Hemlock Society was crap - example of bad acting, bad direction, bad screenplay, bad editing, bad music everything applied at the same time to a good idea. Muktodhara was wonderful. I love it when my parents happen to enjoy a movie. Both of them were in tears, and smiling. It was a sight to behold. To think of it, how much have I done for my parents also? How much time have I spent with them, how much care have I shown. Giving money and building a house for them to live in is not enough. Moreover, correction, I didn't build the house. Just the first floor.
Good times over, I am still undecided. What to do with life? Get a new house in Bangalore? Take leave or resign and go back to Calcutta? My health is seriously degrading. I need home food and a lot of care. And then what about the future? Any chance of getting married? The same old questions, without any answer, torment me. Back to Bangalore, same love hate relationship with Boo, same next to nil work at office, same struggle for existence. I know I am better off than many, but somehow that fails to calm me down. I get agitated at times, completely diffused at other times. And life drags on. When Aamir asked not to drink and drive, I'd vouched I won't let Boo do that again. But then, this Monday when I returned, he almost pleaded to me that he wants to drink. I was split, but couldn't say no. He is this mammoth drinker anyways, he is completely sober with two glasses of beer. But the problem is, he makes me weak. I get angry with him but cannot show, I get exasperated with him but cannot react. Way a mother protects a child, I stay by his side. Silently. Can't ask for anything in return, can't even give him all I want. Today he is tolerating me, tomorrow he might throw me away. Yes, it is this uncertain. And I supposedly have to live on for another 60 years...
Calcutta beckons me...I look on dumbly...I hope...one fine day my patience will break, I will refuse to live like a zombie, to comply, to cooperate - I'll finally be able to break free...
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