My favorite movies...

Ohh how relaxed I feel after a long long time. It is a feeling when your inner qualms have subsided...and you are finally at peace...have fought, have cried, have embarrassed yourself, have emoted to the maximum possible extent, and have regained your composure. You know you have made a fool of yourself but don't really regret. You regain your self confidence, and with your present state of mind only, you face the world proudly.

Bombay:

25th February 1996. The day I watched Bombay for the first time, amid down pouring rain. I don't know how many more times I will write about about that lonely afternoon full of so many new realizations. Today the 32 year old girl sits back and thinks there must have been some reason why I have worshiped Bombay as a movie, despite its apparent irrational plot. Because some day I was supposed to go through the same ordeal, and as my mom says, destroy myself. But still at the same time, hope is born out of nowhere. When I frantically search for the vocal version of Bombay theme in youtube. No, the instrumental version won't suffice. I need to listen to the song - the words, that give life to that mesmerizing tune:

Aankhon mein ummeedon ke kuchh ho sapne...
Aanchal aman ka ho tan mann pe apne
Raatein ho gehri to kya?
Aata hai aakhir ek din naya...

Harano Sur:

Literally meaning "The Lost Music", there has hardly been any other movie where I have felt so one at heart with the female lead. No, she doesn't fit the modern girl who has her life in her stride, but she has this peculiar confidence all the same. "My father says, the right to make mistakes is a very big personal right of human beings". From that immense pride, to her subtle feeling of happiness when Alok, still unable to recognize his wife, is overcome with the piano tune of a song she sang to her on their wedding night and is compelled to present Rama with a bouquet of flowers, to the final helplessness, "My husband...has forgotten me..." Rama also gives up everything and is finally forced to return to her father's house. Oh what acting, what expressions. "See...I have come here with a lot of hope" - oh how do you convince a husband who has lost his memory? The pain and the resolve is unparalleled. Had I not watched this movie, had it not been one of the guiding stars of my life, I wouldn't have seen this date. The song keeps haunting the soul who has forgotten everything, only apart from the faint essence of devotion he had once promised. And their entire relationship hangs precariously on the edge of that vague memory.

Tum bin mann ki baat adhuri...

Have you ever faced a situation where you don't know how you are feeling? I am really realizing what they mean by going with the motions. Since morning I have gone through thousand different kinds of emotions. But the only advantage an intelligent girl has is, she can at least make out what is the most intense among her emotions. Yes, unabashedly I should admit, it is my sense of guilt. I am leaving him and going. I am giving up on him. I am doing what everyone else has done with him. Give him no worth. No value. Put all blame on him and just go. How much will he bear? Is there no end to his sufferings?

What will happen to him once I go? He continues being what he is? In his own words, "I am a dead body, I don't feel anything, yet I am alive, I am happy". There...have you ever heard anything more stupid?

And I am leaving this man and going away? Just because he says he doesn't love me, loves other girls along with me, and in the same breath says, he is capable of loving nobody, he will not love his wife also? Have you ever met anyone more confused? And what if he doesn't love also? As if my life will be any different going back. If he decides to marry another girl, how does it matter if during that time I stay in Bangalore or Calcutta? Does being an ostrich ever help? And that too, he told me that ostriches don't hide their faces in the sand way we think, it is a myth. And I verified it from google too.

So what next? Don't know...let's see. Will keep you informed.

And yes, the song kept me going these few days. I remembered it as if in trance...since then don't know how many times I have listened to it. Can't have enough of it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gSum5QHrJYo

Resignation...

And they said...the world is supposed to end on 21st December 2012. The day after my birthday. Did ever the date 6th September come in anyone's mind. That life comes to a standstill for a girl who has perhaps been the greatest moron on earth? Who has believed in God, believed in love, truth and work, in an era where these concepts only are becoming extinct?

Even I thought I'll go on and on only with the intentions in mind, but no action. But how long? At times you need to close the gate and burn the bridges. Do I love him? Yes. Am I doing this to myself out of the love for him or the lack of love of myself? No. I am doing this to give up my hopes and wishes and dreams. Go back, to the same shelter where my life started, and which thankfully still exists. My mom and dad. I know they won't be there forever. I can't even start to think what a dreary life it will be once my savings are done with. And before my savings are done with, what to do with my entire day? How to exist without work? I don't know all that. I am not even asking questions to myself. I will never ever ask God the big question of defeatists, "Why me?". I must have done something, for which He made me go through all this. It is for me to decide how much I can take and when to say no. My prerequisite for existence is transparency and truth. My soul is intact, there has been few incidents of contempt and too much self pride, for which I may have caused grief to others. I remember once, a pregnant lady had taken up a seat I was standing near, in the bus. Was very tired after school, had felt angry towards her. I don't know, had I wished her and her child something ill? Is that the reason I never got a family life myself? I can only speculate about the mistake, that has caused this punishment. I know there are tortured people all over the world. Everyone faces doom and death in life, accept it and move on. People for whom life has offered nothing, they also exist and smile once in a while, people whom life has given everything, even they feel lonely and depressed at times. I can't explain God's ways of ruling his world. And I can't question on that. I know I wanted to be with him, to cook food for him and take care of him, way all girls want a husband, I wanted him. That was not granted. I am not in a mental and physical condition to work in this state of mind, so I am quitting work. I know I need rest, so I am going back home. These are the only facts present with me. Rest are incessant tears, and the realization that I still love him. I don't love him selflessly, I love him selfishly, I want his love too. But how does that matter. Oh...how does that matter?

All I hope for today, is that I am able to keep my calm and give my resignation. I am very clear in my mind, that if I don't have him, I don't need anything else from life. Nothing else :)

Steps towards the end...

Well...it is funny that I survived so long after writing "Justification of insensitivity". How does it feel now? With the decision taken?
Well it is a decision I have taken so many times earlier also. Taken but not executed. Prior to the actual execution, I do feel restless. And very gravely sad. It is not easy. To let go of my work, my dreams everything at a shot. But then, have I not been pretending long since? What work? It was less of work, more of source of earning money. It gave me no satisfaction. There is no harm in quitting it. I was not feeling up to it anyways.
How does it feel to leave my dear beloved man in life and go away? Well, it doesn't matter. He wants to lose me. He is getting what he wanted to get. I am giving him that and nothing else. 

The last lap...

There must have been something to the dread I felt on 26th August. Crap crap crap...I can still hear myself shouting. How much possessive should one be to feel this kind of jealousy? I almost felt like Sridevi in Nagin, after having fought as the snake, when she came back to her human self, gasping for breath, her sindoor smudged. I felt that angry. Why she has to come back between us? Why does anyone for that matter have to come between us. Why can't people leave us alone?

But tell me what to do when nothing is in your hand? I can not take it anymore. I am feeling feverish. There is a limit to what I can take. I can't take his constant denial anymore. I hate the situation life has brought me too...I hate being so weak...so seeking pity.

Life, at least my professional life enters the last lap. It is not easy to retire or to give up when you have always been a fighter. But in any fight someone has to lose :)

And yes, I know not why I am doing this to myself. That is, why I am reading Before I Forget. If he decides to go back to his lady love, then also there is no way that I can go back to him. He has forgotten me for God's sake. May be only way to come to terms with this pain is reliving that pain...

Good or Bad?

It is never easy to take any decision, and when it comes to a life changing one, it is even more difficult. In my confusions I had forgotten one very simple thing. As much as it is about what life I deserve, it is also about who all deserve me. Over the next month I am going to carry out just a survey, on both these points...

27/08/2012
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Good -
1. I studied a bit on some new technology and was able to pay attention. It doesn't seem as intimidating as it did earlier. I am not a dumb person, why should learning something new be difficult?
2. Health seemed better than the rest of the days.
3. Life was rather peaceful, the constant tension and sense of being left out was not there, probably because he is onsite.
Bad -
1. I don't understand the policies of this office, it somehow makes you feel left out and unwanted. My allocation to the resource pool today was pretty demotivating.
2. I don't like this girl, Boo's so called lady love. I feel envious towards her and towards the way Boo talks about her in an all lovey dovey way. I don't find her to be exceptional. She is one of those "I love being shady and mysterious" ladies. Not at all an open book like me.


28/08/2012
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Good -
1. Well the waking up was good, to begin with. Leisurely and refreshing and purposeful. It felt as if I am getting back my balance. Happened to remember my dream last night and note it down and also a wish, as decided.
2. One of the good decisions I have taken lately is to take an auto to office everyday. Ya some auto drivers refuse or ask for more fare over and above the meter price, but I ignore them. Overall the exhaustion of walking is not there. Today got a decent auto driver in the morning who went by the route I said, though his meter showed a little more than what it usually takes, but not more than 4-5 Rs. Also while coming back there was a lot of traffic, but I got a window seat and the lady conductor in the bus readily returned my change.
3. Work wise it was good, the software got installed, though I am yet to configure it.
4. Yes yes yes, how can I forget. Boo keeps talking about other girls in romantic ways to irritate me...and I get very upset. But today, the following conversation happened -
he: and my lady love.. 
me: don't say this word na boo plz... m serious, it bothers me a lot, don't talk of loving other girls... I just can't take it 
he: ok wht did that another female in the table say :)
I still can't believe in one protest of mine he changed his way of speaking. I still can't believe it.
5. Talked with mom and had a nice evening after office.

Bad -
1. Only bad thing that happened today was my lack of faith in Boo. In the same point let me include a disinterested friend who was once very close, a bull fight I saw on the road and some agitated dogs running about in and extremely life threatening traffic.


29/08/2012
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Good -
1. Had my first Onam lunch.
2. Life was slow paced yet peaceful. I have almost stopped taking any kind of tension.

Bad -
1. Why don't people return money which they owe me?


30/08/2012
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Good -
1. Bhalobashi Bhalobashi :) nothing...it was a most mundane boring useless day...it turned out to be so so different because of that one explicit conversation :)


31/08/2012
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Good -
1. Salary came
2. Peaceful and relaxed day...little work...nothing hectic
3. Nice dinner at night.
4. Despite overspending, ended up managing month within 35 K. That is like 15K over budget, not much.

Bad -
1. Everything turned sour, ever the extreme romanticism that yesterday night generated. I didn't want it to die, but it did. I really don't know how I am going to make this work out.

01/09/2012
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Bad -
1. Everything is bad about today.

02/09/2012
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Good -
1. The continuous song session that today morning was.
2. My Boo Boo. So long as he is present in my life, nothing can really be bad.

5 years...

Last to last Saturday morning I woke up and casually checked my mobile...for sms's from Boo. I was at my hometown. He had gone over to his hometown as well, because his granny had passed away. It was a casual glance I gave at the mobile and realized...it's 18th August. How uneventful a 18th August has become for me. Is this what happens when the person you love gets distant? Ya the doctor did declare me cured, and I did watch a very nice movie in theater with my parents, but apart from that...where was that excitement that I felt even on 18th August last year? Where was the art work, poems which I usually manage to do for him? Just a consciousness. Yes it is 18th August.

Almost same thing happened for 26th August too. Was this the date when 5 years back I chose to screw up my life? There was no way of knowing that I might have any repentance from the way I behaved yesterday. I was happy, in a jovial mood. Did shopping and met up with friends. Frankly speaking I am scared to be this happy. Happiness is not a thing that agrees with my system well. Yes I am a bit apprehensive and unsure but that is the maximum negativity I am having in my mind. Otherwise I am happy and that's what is troubling me.