Ya, it is indeed well past 3 o'clock in the night and I don't feel like sleeping. I am the revolting me today. Angry and anguished. Not ready to oblige with the daily routine, no I haven't brushed my teeth today after dinner, neither have I cleaned my face. Grudgingly I had my medicine though. I have been prescribed some vitamin C tablets and some anti allergetics, for the heat boils I am getting here. Trust me, it is terribly hot. Going to the university definitely helps, there are 2 ACs running in the lab to cool you down, still, my room being in the top floor, and poor me not being able to afford the AC yet in my room, I am kinda getting boiled alive in the nights. But well, no, I am not angry because of that. I am angry at these English proverbs. God helps those who help themselves. You need a reason to be sad, you don't need a reason to be happy. All bullshit I tell you. God has no time to help others. Else He wouldn't have forsaken me to this extent. He must know just how well I am trying to help myself. I am this never say die girl, just trying everything possible to get back to her career. And no, I am not helped.
Why do I fall prey to hope every time? When that stupid, idiot guy came to see me last December, I was like, this must be it...finally I am going to be married. But no, I had to be rejected. When I got this mail from an MNC saying my profile matched their requirement, there was this sudden jolt of hope. Then from 4th March to 26th March, utter silence prevailed. I mailed once in between and received the standard reply that this is being processed. So, on 26th I just stirred things a bit through an employee of the organization whom I knew, and who had referred me, and there was this call on 27th arranging for an interview the next day. To my surprise the interview went extremely well and a 2nd phase was arranged subsequently. That too went reasonably well - opinions might always differ regarding managerial decisions, but at least I gave prompt solutions to all the scenarios presented. I really wanted this job - that would be a tiny step back to stability, a tinier step towards salvaging my almost lost career. But then, utter silence prevails. Absolutely no update from the HR end. All through the day I kept forgetting things as I was so engrossed in wondering about a feedback from them. I set off for the university leaving back my wallet. Halfway towards the bus stop, I thankfully remembered about it, but in recovering it, I left my umbrella behind. This time the scorching heat reminded me immediately as I stepped out, so not much time was lost. The day's wait went in vain and brought about a lot of bitterness. Bitterness about how much a support function like HR department lacks empathy. They simply don't understand how important on-time closure is for well being of a human being in general and a professional in particular.
Ya, this is not the end of the road. It is true that I want to live as if "living life" were my only passion. So amid all the brooding, I suddenly got an idea of a prospective tie up with my university regarding the type of online course I have been attending. My department specializes in that - so what's the harm in bringing up a proposal - if things click, this might be a long term project and the first one of its kind in the city - with a social benefit edge to it (free learning and all). Ya, I do get these wonderful ideas, and I do feel like working on them, I do keep telling myself, Mamon, this is definitely not the end of the road. But then, frustration creeps in and no amount of enthusiasm can sieve it out. Crap, crap, crap, what can somebody do in a city where even 5% of the people are not professional enough? They want a bribe in every single thing, they would keep their egos prior to the intention of doing greater good - the attitude itself gets me angry. I feel disgusted, I end up being the typical bad girl, doing things I am not supposed to do. Is there at all a God? I wonder.
But then, every time I think "why me?" I remember Yuvraj Singh. Way he used to tell in this ad, if I never asked why me when I got the man of the tournament award in the world cup, why should I ask this when I got cancer? So, I decide not to ask why me, not to ask God to have mercy on me, not to complain when things just slip out of my hand like sand however much I grip on to them. Fine then, bring it on. I have been living in chunks for a long time now. Thought I'd die after Boo left me. I didn't. I won't die before death comes. It remains to be seen just how much I suffer in my attempts to live a proper life despite all things going awry. I was thoroughly against hiring someone notwithstanding the interview results - that was one thing with my last organization that terribly pissed me off. So if at all the interviewer has decided not to go ahead with my selection, I should be accepting his decision. But thing is, until the negative outcome is confirmed, you just can't help clinging on to hope. And that is what kills all the more. Yes I can ask them myself, but then, there is no guarantee that they would answer me. If they have decided in their mind they will procrastinate this for 3 weeks, no amount of insisting on my part will change their mind.
I hate people who keep work off themselves just by pretending that they are busy and preoccupied. I can never keep a pending work and shut shop, even with minor things like eating, I can't eat slowly. If I am at a dinner gathering, I must finish what is there on my plate before I start chatting leisurely. But forget those things. People are not like me, or I am not like people, doesn't make a difference. Even if I am the odd one out, I am angry. And I will sleep now...with eyes tearing with fatigue and a body exhausted with the heat. No, there's probably no other way out - I must turn into an atheist, there is too much pain on this earth for God to exist.
Why do I fall prey to hope every time? When that stupid, idiot guy came to see me last December, I was like, this must be it...finally I am going to be married. But no, I had to be rejected. When I got this mail from an MNC saying my profile matched their requirement, there was this sudden jolt of hope. Then from 4th March to 26th March, utter silence prevailed. I mailed once in between and received the standard reply that this is being processed. So, on 26th I just stirred things a bit through an employee of the organization whom I knew, and who had referred me, and there was this call on 27th arranging for an interview the next day. To my surprise the interview went extremely well and a 2nd phase was arranged subsequently. That too went reasonably well - opinions might always differ regarding managerial decisions, but at least I gave prompt solutions to all the scenarios presented. I really wanted this job - that would be a tiny step back to stability, a tinier step towards salvaging my almost lost career. But then, utter silence prevails. Absolutely no update from the HR end. All through the day I kept forgetting things as I was so engrossed in wondering about a feedback from them. I set off for the university leaving back my wallet. Halfway towards the bus stop, I thankfully remembered about it, but in recovering it, I left my umbrella behind. This time the scorching heat reminded me immediately as I stepped out, so not much time was lost. The day's wait went in vain and brought about a lot of bitterness. Bitterness about how much a support function like HR department lacks empathy. They simply don't understand how important on-time closure is for well being of a human being in general and a professional in particular.
Ya, this is not the end of the road. It is true that I want to live as if "living life" were my only passion. So amid all the brooding, I suddenly got an idea of a prospective tie up with my university regarding the type of online course I have been attending. My department specializes in that - so what's the harm in bringing up a proposal - if things click, this might be a long term project and the first one of its kind in the city - with a social benefit edge to it (free learning and all). Ya, I do get these wonderful ideas, and I do feel like working on them, I do keep telling myself, Mamon, this is definitely not the end of the road. But then, frustration creeps in and no amount of enthusiasm can sieve it out. Crap, crap, crap, what can somebody do in a city where even 5% of the people are not professional enough? They want a bribe in every single thing, they would keep their egos prior to the intention of doing greater good - the attitude itself gets me angry. I feel disgusted, I end up being the typical bad girl, doing things I am not supposed to do. Is there at all a God? I wonder.
But then, every time I think "why me?" I remember Yuvraj Singh. Way he used to tell in this ad, if I never asked why me when I got the man of the tournament award in the world cup, why should I ask this when I got cancer? So, I decide not to ask why me, not to ask God to have mercy on me, not to complain when things just slip out of my hand like sand however much I grip on to them. Fine then, bring it on. I have been living in chunks for a long time now. Thought I'd die after Boo left me. I didn't. I won't die before death comes. It remains to be seen just how much I suffer in my attempts to live a proper life despite all things going awry. I was thoroughly against hiring someone notwithstanding the interview results - that was one thing with my last organization that terribly pissed me off. So if at all the interviewer has decided not to go ahead with my selection, I should be accepting his decision. But thing is, until the negative outcome is confirmed, you just can't help clinging on to hope. And that is what kills all the more. Yes I can ask them myself, but then, there is no guarantee that they would answer me. If they have decided in their mind they will procrastinate this for 3 weeks, no amount of insisting on my part will change their mind.
I hate people who keep work off themselves just by pretending that they are busy and preoccupied. I can never keep a pending work and shut shop, even with minor things like eating, I can't eat slowly. If I am at a dinner gathering, I must finish what is there on my plate before I start chatting leisurely. But forget those things. People are not like me, or I am not like people, doesn't make a difference. Even if I am the odd one out, I am angry. And I will sleep now...with eyes tearing with fatigue and a body exhausted with the heat. No, there's probably no other way out - I must turn into an atheist, there is too much pain on this earth for God to exist.
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