Well, I had to finish off the earlier entry abruptly, because mom was calling for lunch. But then, much like inception, the idea was already planted. I need a job at any cost. See, I can beg, no issues. I will beg with my head hung low, and ask my previous organization to take me back. What after that? Here are the probabilities:
1. They set impossible conditions - too low salary, a lower designation, a manager I don't want to work with
2. Even if everything goes right, it breaks my heart to imagine myself heading to the airport, leaving my dad outside. I just don't wanna leave them and go.
I feel waves lashing out at me, as if I am at the very edge of a turbulent sea. I feel myself getting soaked in torrential rain. I perceive the true impact of loneliness as I had never done before. I wrote even a day or two ago, about being this girl safe in her bubble, all detached from reality. It seems as if the bubble has suddenly burst open and I have been kicked out.
I guess I need to see one of those people whom you call shrinks. I really feel I am going mad. Why is it so difficult to make ends meet even when you have given up most of your demands, in fact, almost all of your demands sans this - let me stay with my family. Let me not be uprooted now and again. Yet, let me have some work to do, let me not feel useless and hopeless, all my professional training going for a toss.
Do you think this is too much of a demand? Can anybody answer me?
And I cry along with my favorite song. Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna. I have been trying in vain all this while to convince myself that I am apparently dead. No, I am not. In fact I am far from it. I feel terribly alive, and this unquenchable thirst for life won't let me kill myself. And I have this never give up attitude that frankly speaking, surprises me. See, had I been a third person and you'd give me this link and tell me to predict the character of the girl who writes here - I would be like - oh she's a zombie kinda stuff - she can't do anything good. And then I am baffled to find myself always reading, learning new things, trying to improvise, trying to find an alternative. I set up this wireless hotspot from my mobile to tackle the internet speed issue. To think I was never interested in smartphones, and now in barely couple of weeks, I have explored it and know all about it as much as seasoned smart phone users do. This so called "courage to know" (that's my school's motto by the way) is what had convinced me in the first place that I can adapt, I can take up a different career stream if required, let me move to Kolkata. But then, what I realized is, albeit the city has life, the city's residents don't. They are a dead lot. They are that kind of a dead lot, who won't let themselves be cremated or buried, they will just stay on, all rotting, rooted to their own worthlessness. Yes, I am that bitter with the people in this city.
Call me a person without guts, but then, I really cannot risk my savings in a start up. I want to do, at least for a while more, what I do best. IT work and management. This much I have decided.
And oh God, today morning I got another heart attack. Just how much dumb can a particular person be? That too, just when I had started to soften my attitude towards the much obvious dumbness - noticing the obvious care underneath it. I think it is only fair to say, once a dumb person, always a dumb person. How dumb would it be to ask a person suffering from jaundice to dream about the latest biriyani recipe in town? Let alone dreaming, if you literally ask the person to cook it (cook it, but mind you, you can never eat it) - well, do I need to tell more?
Ah, so what's next? I thought the entire day today. I need work, and meaningful work that too. For that I am ready to beg, borrow, steal or kill. At such times I always remember Vipul. I do wonder if he really had that much trust in me, or it was simple managerial technique, but then, as I wrote once in my diary, Vipul used to be like ice on a fevered forehead. And whenever I think of those days, the deadlines, the pressure cooker situation, the meetings, the speculations and apprehensions before going live, I just want to run back to work. That is my world, give or take my parents. Ya, there goes the harsh truth. And I learnt it the hard way. I needed this break to know clearly what I want most. If a married life is what I wanted more than anything else, I could have sold my ego to get that as well. No, if I stoop low somewhat, I do that only for work. If I'd worshiped my parents more than my work, I'd have happily sacrificed my career for them, never long for it the way I do now. It is silly, it is childish, what good is achieved in executing a software project - which in due course is bound to be replaced with yet another technology, you may say. But then, whenever I do that work, I feel good about myself. That is quite enough of an answer for me.
Last night was one hell of a night. I kept crying in bouts of depression, it was as bad as the nights I spent pacing the floor, during October 2012. But then, this gentleman who, as my dad says, never did service for a single day in his life - had written, দু বেলা মরার আগে মরব না ভাই মরব না - আমি ভয় করব না। So, let's just keep trying. About the little bit of compromise that is required in asking for any favor, well, I have long since fought and won over that ego. I can only ask, I won't beg. If things don't work out, fine, we'll accept failure and work out something else. At least, if I am to practice what I preach, I shouldn't be irreparably stubborn.
Ha ha ha, talking about that particular show down. Actually it has made me all the more courageous. I was avoiding the place for decaying relationships. Non existent ones don't bother me right? And why, pray tell me, are girls like this? They will never open up, never mention the things that are going on inside their head? This reminds me, yesterday, I was walking back with dad after doing some grocery shopping. A police van was in back gear, I was skeptical about whether to cross the road, when the person at the driver's seat signaled me to move on. And trust me, I have never seen a more handsome policeman. I was tempted to tell dad - "dad, did you notice just how handsome he is? In fact I almost felt like asking him, are you married already?" At which point dad sighed loudly and remarked, "any other girl would have said, I was almost wondering, if he'd ask me if I am married already..." :( :( So, you see, it all lies in the attitude. But no, even if you have conjectured it, let me assert, it is absolutely junk. A result of reading too much সুচিত্রা ভট্টাচার্য...trust me I am a grown up girl now. I do not live in utopia anymore. period.
PS - After everything else, with every passing day, I grow a little more wary of the term friendship. The whole world seems so so selfish. Well, go ahead and say, the world is always a reflection of what you are. When did I deny my selfishness. If only I could gain anything from my selfishness...remember, that's precisely the point...selfish people do not do anything without a motive, and there is absolutely nothing I gain by being selfish. So...doesn't the problem lie with the outside world?
1. They set impossible conditions - too low salary, a lower designation, a manager I don't want to work with
2. Even if everything goes right, it breaks my heart to imagine myself heading to the airport, leaving my dad outside. I just don't wanna leave them and go.
I feel waves lashing out at me, as if I am at the very edge of a turbulent sea. I feel myself getting soaked in torrential rain. I perceive the true impact of loneliness as I had never done before. I wrote even a day or two ago, about being this girl safe in her bubble, all detached from reality. It seems as if the bubble has suddenly burst open and I have been kicked out.
I guess I need to see one of those people whom you call shrinks. I really feel I am going mad. Why is it so difficult to make ends meet even when you have given up most of your demands, in fact, almost all of your demands sans this - let me stay with my family. Let me not be uprooted now and again. Yet, let me have some work to do, let me not feel useless and hopeless, all my professional training going for a toss.
Do you think this is too much of a demand? Can anybody answer me?
And I cry along with my favorite song. Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna. I have been trying in vain all this while to convince myself that I am apparently dead. No, I am not. In fact I am far from it. I feel terribly alive, and this unquenchable thirst for life won't let me kill myself. And I have this never give up attitude that frankly speaking, surprises me. See, had I been a third person and you'd give me this link and tell me to predict the character of the girl who writes here - I would be like - oh she's a zombie kinda stuff - she can't do anything good. And then I am baffled to find myself always reading, learning new things, trying to improvise, trying to find an alternative. I set up this wireless hotspot from my mobile to tackle the internet speed issue. To think I was never interested in smartphones, and now in barely couple of weeks, I have explored it and know all about it as much as seasoned smart phone users do. This so called "courage to know" (that's my school's motto by the way) is what had convinced me in the first place that I can adapt, I can take up a different career stream if required, let me move to Kolkata. But then, what I realized is, albeit the city has life, the city's residents don't. They are a dead lot. They are that kind of a dead lot, who won't let themselves be cremated or buried, they will just stay on, all rotting, rooted to their own worthlessness. Yes, I am that bitter with the people in this city.
Call me a person without guts, but then, I really cannot risk my savings in a start up. I want to do, at least for a while more, what I do best. IT work and management. This much I have decided.
And oh God, today morning I got another heart attack. Just how much dumb can a particular person be? That too, just when I had started to soften my attitude towards the much obvious dumbness - noticing the obvious care underneath it. I think it is only fair to say, once a dumb person, always a dumb person. How dumb would it be to ask a person suffering from jaundice to dream about the latest biriyani recipe in town? Let alone dreaming, if you literally ask the person to cook it (cook it, but mind you, you can never eat it) - well, do I need to tell more?
Ah, so what's next? I thought the entire day today. I need work, and meaningful work that too. For that I am ready to beg, borrow, steal or kill. At such times I always remember Vipul. I do wonder if he really had that much trust in me, or it was simple managerial technique, but then, as I wrote once in my diary, Vipul used to be like ice on a fevered forehead. And whenever I think of those days, the deadlines, the pressure cooker situation, the meetings, the speculations and apprehensions before going live, I just want to run back to work. That is my world, give or take my parents. Ya, there goes the harsh truth. And I learnt it the hard way. I needed this break to know clearly what I want most. If a married life is what I wanted more than anything else, I could have sold my ego to get that as well. No, if I stoop low somewhat, I do that only for work. If I'd worshiped my parents more than my work, I'd have happily sacrificed my career for them, never long for it the way I do now. It is silly, it is childish, what good is achieved in executing a software project - which in due course is bound to be replaced with yet another technology, you may say. But then, whenever I do that work, I feel good about myself. That is quite enough of an answer for me.
Last night was one hell of a night. I kept crying in bouts of depression, it was as bad as the nights I spent pacing the floor, during October 2012. But then, this gentleman who, as my dad says, never did service for a single day in his life - had written, দু বেলা মরার আগে মরব না ভাই মরব না - আমি ভয় করব না। So, let's just keep trying. About the little bit of compromise that is required in asking for any favor, well, I have long since fought and won over that ego. I can only ask, I won't beg. If things don't work out, fine, we'll accept failure and work out something else. At least, if I am to practice what I preach, I shouldn't be irreparably stubborn.
Ha ha ha, talking about that particular show down. Actually it has made me all the more courageous. I was avoiding the place for decaying relationships. Non existent ones don't bother me right? And why, pray tell me, are girls like this? They will never open up, never mention the things that are going on inside their head? This reminds me, yesterday, I was walking back with dad after doing some grocery shopping. A police van was in back gear, I was skeptical about whether to cross the road, when the person at the driver's seat signaled me to move on. And trust me, I have never seen a more handsome policeman. I was tempted to tell dad - "dad, did you notice just how handsome he is? In fact I almost felt like asking him, are you married already?" At which point dad sighed loudly and remarked, "any other girl would have said, I was almost wondering, if he'd ask me if I am married already..." :( :( So, you see, it all lies in the attitude. But no, even if you have conjectured it, let me assert, it is absolutely junk. A result of reading too much সুচিত্রা ভট্টাচার্য...trust me I am a grown up girl now. I do not live in utopia anymore. period.
PS - After everything else, with every passing day, I grow a little more wary of the term friendship. The whole world seems so so selfish. Well, go ahead and say, the world is always a reflection of what you are. When did I deny my selfishness. If only I could gain anything from my selfishness...remember, that's precisely the point...selfish people do not do anything without a motive, and there is absolutely nothing I gain by being selfish. So...doesn't the problem lie with the outside world?
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