I was wondering, when is it better to write, while you are waiting for the results, or when the results are out? I was in huge mental agony on the night of 5-6 March. There were lots of things going on.
There was this interview opportunity with an MNC which had suddenly come up, and which was a role perfectly pertaining to my choice. Anytime, they’d be confirming the interview date, at least that is what the HR told to the people who had referred me, and I was expecting that at last I’d be getting an interview call. At the same time, I had just decided to drop this mail to the CEO of a Kolkata based company whom I had gotten to know from my days of managing business alliance at my previous organization. I had just dropped in a line saying I am looking for a job here, and he had replied encouragingly. This pushed me to write this long mail to him where I candidly discussed the situation, my skill set and my job preference. I was expecting that any time I might receive a reply to that and something concrete might come up. I was telling myself, see all doesn’t depend on luck, you can get through a bad situation purely based on effort too.
Meanwhile there was my driving license test scheduled on 6th afternoon, for which I was dead scared. I am not a very good driver, I have my apprehensions, but ya, I am strong on the techniques. Such is the extent of bad patch going on in my life, that even after completing my driving classes on 21st December last year, the test couldn’t be scheduled till now. There was one date on 8 Jan, on which date I had that flop show with the first interview I attended here. At that time I gave priority to the interview and cancelled the driving test. If I remember correctly, that was because of a twisted logic like – if that day is lucky for me (8 Jan) then I’d get through the interview as well, and I’d rather use my luck to get through the interview. At the same time, if the day were unlucky (as it turned out to be), I should be happy that I saved myself from failing in the driving test. My idle mind… it is always inventing such crude, impossibly illogical stuff. Anyways what followed next was absolute silence from the driving school – and on inquiring what I discovered is – the erstwhile only one motor vehicle office of the city has been split up into two, and unfortunately my house address comes under the new one in Kasba. That one again, is not yet functional, but the original motor vehicle office won’t conduct my test all the same. Finally after a wait of 2.5 months, the test could be scheduled. And I haven’t practised in between (I don’t have my own car, you see, I couldn’t buy it because I couldn’t get a job – what with fuel prices soaring, who will risk buying a vehicle without a steady source of income?). So amid general sleeplessness and checking mails, and the occasional sobbing, I was getting up and studying traffic signals too.
Why sobbing? Because my former colleague lady (I just can’t bring up myself to say we were ever best of friends) – called up to say, her husband has finally decided to go ahead with a divorce. I kept thinking about the kid, about my friend, I didn’t want them to have the kind of lonely life I am having. I cried because I couldn’t make a difference – all I wanted was to reconcile them before I’d leave the office. I even thought of messaging her in the middle of the night to tell her I know how she is feeling, and I am sure she will pull through, but then somehow managed to discourage myself – because you know, somewhere in my mind I knew our friendship is over – she just uses me as a pillow to cry on once in a while.
Aftermath:
1. No reply from either the MNC or the CEO.
2. Passed my driving test
3. My erstwhile friend blasted me today because during that evening’s call I had mentioned that I can’t say her husband is a bad guy. I really can’t – I have developed a friendship with her husband, I know he is a kind person, he’s just given up on her, way I did once. But then, to hell with everything, I finally blurted out, “you are stubborn beyond repair”. Even this morning I tried to counsel her husband against her knowledge – so that they can get back to each other. And after all these, she just ends up hurting me more. Why do some people think they own the world and the world will dance at their bidding? At least I have no reason to compromise and not be myself. By giving up my job, if I have earned something, that is my freedom. Not that I didn’t get morose at the bitter exchange of words. I ate lunch broodingly. It always hurts when people misunderstand. But then, isn’t that the reason I have chosen loneliness?
I have this friend, who urges me to get married, and when I ask why? He’d say – oh all human beings get married. He urges me to go back to Bangalore – when I say, and what would I gain being back to that same monotonous life of home and office – he says, oh but that’s a software engineer’s life… hilarious, no? I have seen many well known faces changing themselves in the past few months. Those who were all in praises of me, being this independent girl travelling countries, have now defined me as this whining female always insisting for a job opportunity. There were never too many friends, and I do not maintain friendship myself, but people who once described me as their mentor in life had totally gotten out of touch. People would seek my CV with the promise to help, will not even have so much courtesy to acknowledge the mail once I send it. It is a busy life for everyone.
So, to get back to the original question. Would it have been better if I had written this entry in the midnight of 6th March? I am sure I’d have made this sound more pathetic. Now at least amid other bad things, there Is one good thing, I will be getting a driving license. Many, including my dad, think that I am not trying too hard. No, I am not going to beg, if that is what trying too hard means. I am not going to nag and insist and travel over to individual offices seeking job. It is ok – this world doesn’t deserve so much effort from my end. And then I am not a robot like most human beings are. I can analyse and get the real picture. Why do I need money? I am just one single person with a house to live in and some savings in the bank. I don’t expect to have my own family in the near future, if ever. If I need a job, that is for self actualization. And tell me, wouldn’t Mr. Maslow be dead shocked if he hears that these days people get down to begging to self acutalize? :D :D
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